Made to Love (11 page)

“Oh, he did whatever Mom told him to. Honestly, I’m fine.”

“My mom was so different with you.”

“You sure she was different?” Mason flipped her signal on and turned west on 129, taking them over the last stretch of water before Isle La Motte.

“She was definitely different. The Anne you know was not the same person I grew up with.”

“Maybe she was the same person. Perhaps your perception of her was different. I think everyone has a distinct viewpoint of the people they meet. Your experiences with your mom seemed negative because you didn’t see eye to eye on things. I think as kids, we automatically assume our parents are horrible because they are constantly guiding us on the right track to be responsible adults.”

Marly scoffed loudly. “Don’t you
mean nagging us?”

“Call it what you will. I think Anne was always kind and loving, you two just brought out the
best
in each other. So her parenting seemed like nagging to you.” Mason slowed down and turned left onto Shrine Road. “That was fast.”

“I thought so. Traffic didn’t seem so bad.” Marly looked around at the
tiny island. They passed small fields of green grass dotted with trees. She recognized some of the buildings as they drove by. “Time stands still here, doesn’t it?”

“Yeah, it does.” Mason smiled as she remembered Anne’s face every time they came to the island. “Your mom used to say it was like going back in time.”

“I can see that.”

Mason took a left onto Shore Road. They drove along the water, following the road to the shrine. She slowed on St. Anne’s Road and parked near the main chapel. “You ready for this?”

Marly didn’t reply, she merely nodded her head yes. It took her a few quiet moments to retrieve her mother’s ashes from the back seat. Wordlessly, she led Mason to the open-air chapel and slid onto a bench. She set her mother’s urn beside her on the seat. “Did you come to Mass with my mother?”

“Once or twice. She came here a lot on her own the last couple of years. It was a quiet place for her to reflect. Do you know your mom prayed to St. Anne that you would come home? And if you didn’t come home, that at least you would be safe.” Mason leaned back and stared at the altar. “Did you get her necklace?”

“Yes, the funeral home gave it to me when I picked up her ashes. It makes sense now what it is.” Marly reached into the collar of her shirt and pulled out a thin chain. “I’m wearing it now. I hope you don’t mind, Mom.”

Mason’s mouth curved into a smile. “I think she would like you wearing it. So
, aside from the Red Sox story, do you have any good ones of your mom?”

Marly rested her hand on her mother’s urn and snorted softly. “Actually, I do have a pretty funny one. When I was younger, there were these two kids
who lived around the corner from us. They were probably five or six years older than me, so of course they terrorized us. This one time, I was taking a nap, and they came by and sprayed water in the window on me. I told Mom what they did. You know she got water bottles and chased them down. They ended up getting in a water gun fight. She came home soaking wet, but she showed them who was boss. To this day, that is one of my favorite memories of my mom.”

Mason remembered the sound of Anne’s laughter in her head. “I can totally see that. She sounds like she was a cool mom even then.”

Marly stared at her mother’s urn. “It’s funny the things you forget. I spend so much time focusing on the negatives about my childhood that I block out the good memories.” She chuckled softly and shook her head. “We only had one car growing up, so she used to take me to school on this old cruiser bike that we had. I would stand on the frame between her legs and hold onto the handlebars. I can’t believe I forgot that.”

“See, I told you. Our perception of a situation can be easily jaded by our emotions. I know in your heart you love your mom. It’s just taken a few years to realize it.”

“It took you making me see her through different eyes to realize it. Do you think she knows?”

Mason regarded Marly’s hopeful expression somberly. “I think she knew all along, but it’s always a good thing to remind her.”

“I think you’re right.” Marly picked up her mother’s ashes. “I think I’m ready.”

Mason nodded then got up and led them both toward a small dock that stretch
ed out over Lake Champlain. She hesitated at the end, not sure if she should stay or let Marly have a moment alone with her mother. “I’m going to…”

“Will you stay?” Marly eyed Mason expectantly. “I don’t think I can do this by myself.”

“Sure, yeah, of course I’ll stay.” Mason returned Marly’s grateful smile then sat down on the other side of Anne’s ashes. She let her legs dangle over the side, her toes just out of reach of the gentle waves lapping beneath them. “I’ve never done this before. No one close to me has ever died.”

“Me neither. I had so much I wanted to
say, and now it all seems to be stuck right here.” Marly pointed at her throat and laughed uncomfortably.

“Maybe it would be easier if I gave you some space.” Mason started to push herself up, but Marly grabbed her hand and hung on for dear life.

“Please stay.” Marly didn’t let go of Mason’s hand. Instead, she laced her fingers through Mason’s, calming immediately at the contact. She struggled awkwardly with her emotions. They ranged from heartbreak to disbelief to anger at herself for the way she had lived her life. She swiped angrily at her eyes and pushed back sobs. There was so much to say, so many things that Marly knew Anne needed to hear, but every time she opened her mouth she lost her nerve.

Mason watched her wrestling with unspoken emotions. Her own heart hurt for her loss, but broke
even more for Marly. At least, Mason had those years to enjoy Anne, to have someone care for her as only a mother could. Mason couldn’t imagine the pain and the guilt that Marly must carry on her small shoulders. She wasn’t sure what possessed her to do so, but Mason started to talk to Anne as if they were watching the sun glisten off the water together. “Do you remember the day you brought me cookies?”

Marly opened her mouth to respond, but the
far-off look in Mason’s eyes let her know that her question was not directed at her.

Mason shook her head and laughed wryly. “No, you probably don’t. It was so many years ago. I never forgot that day. Do you know I was this close…” Mason held her thumb and fore finger several millimeters apart. “…to packing up and going back home? God, I was so homesick. It’s hard to believe, but I actually missed my mom. And Shell, too. I know that shocks you. I was struggling with the choice to move so far away. I had no one when I got here, nothing to make me feel welcome…until you. When I saw your smiling face at my door, I knew I was home. You wouldn’t think a plate of
chocolate-chip cookies, my favorite, by the way, would make the difference, but it did. It wasn’t even the cookies as much as it was the way you smiled at me. No censure, no blame because I was different. You saw me as me, and you accepted me. I don’t know if you knew it or not, but you were like a mother to me, and a good one, not like my mom, who I was never really good enough for. All those years, you stood by me and cheered me on, without want of being paid back. You did it just because. You taught me that love is unconditional. You never wanted anything for what you put out in the world. Do you know how rare you are? No, you probably never thought about it or even realized what a special person you were. Everything you did, you did because you wanted to help someone else. You encouraged me to reach out to my parents in hopes of bridging the gap between us. Do you remember what a disaster that was? No, Anne, it wasn’t your fault. Stop blaming yourself. You can only do so much with what you are given.
You can’t polish a turd.”
Mason laughed. “God, I never knew how apropos that was until you. Oh, Anne, remember the trip to Casey’s Hill? You forced me to go sledding because I had never been. Who breaks a rib sledding? The only person in the car who knows how to drive a stick, that’s who. That was the longest drive home. I killed the engine so many times, I should have been on the FBI’s most-wanted list. Or what about the time you made me dress up for Halloween and forced me to go trick-or-treating? Yes, I said forced. A thirty-year-old woman should not be knocking on doors, asking for candy. I still can’t face old Mrs. Valentine. I can feel her shaking her head at me disapprovingly. Oh, you remember Aspen and Lex? Yes, I know; you encouraged me to be friends. They had the baby. It’s a little boy. They named him Alexander Neal, Alex for short. I met Marly, but I guess you already know that. She’s very sweet…” Mason paused at Marly’s snort. She smiled and squeezed her hand reassuringly. “This is my conversation. I can say what I want, so hush.”

Marly snickered and swiped at an errant tear. There was serenity in Mason’s eyes, coupled with strength and inner-peace, three characteristics that Marly could use herself. “Go right ahead.”

“Anyway, she’s very sweet, despite her attempts to be otherwise. She brought me cookies just like you. Yours were better, of course.” Mason ignored the punch to her leg. “She misses you, you know. We both do. It’s hard sometimes when you realize that your last chance to tell someone you love them is gone. I promise I will help her heal, just like you did for me, Anne. I think she needs me just as much as I needed you. It’s my chance to pay your kindness forward. I want you to know that I will never forget the kindness you showed me. It made me who I am today, and I’m better for knowing you.” Mason knew somewhere Anne would hear her words. She also knew that perhaps Anne could be at peace knowing that Marly would be okay. Mason squeezed Marly’s hand then pushed herself up. She leaned over and rested her hand on Marly’s shoulder. “I figure you might need a little time.”

Marly nodded and listened to the sound of Mason’s footfalls on the dock. Soon, the only sounds she heard were the calls of the birds and the rhythmic splashing of the water as it kissed the dock. It took her several moments before she could speak without her voice cracking. “Do you remember the day that Dad left? I can’t forget it. You were both so calm, eerily calm. You were done fighting. The decision to split was made. I don’t know what I expected. Maybe an argument, maybe tears, but not the silence that passed between you. If you yelled, it was a sign that you still cared, but you didn’t and I knew that when he left, that was it. I still hear the sound of the door closing and the car driving away, knowing that he was not coming back this time. I think being left was the worst feeling I’ve ever had. After that, nothing I did felt good enough to please you. At least, that’s how it felt to me. I’m not saying that’s right or wrong, just how I feel. Every day was a struggle to even be in the same room when all I ever did was disappoint you. I even started blaming you for Dad leaving, because somehow I knew that he wouldn’t have left if you weren’t so demanding. A part of me still watched the door, foolishly believing that he might come home. But I was wrong. Soon, the reality of it all weighed on my chest until I couldn’t breathe anymore. I was suffocating. I did the only thing I could do at
the time, and that was running as far away from you as I could. I’m sorry for that. That was the cowardly thing to do. Mason is helping me realize that my perception of you wasn’t the person you were. I see that in your relationship with her. I’m sad I didn’t give you the opportunity to be my mom. That was selfish. I know. I know. Stop beating myself up. We did the best we could with what we had.”

Marly smiled and shook her head. She could hear her mother telling her not to be so hard on herself.
This too shall pass.
Oh, how many times Marly had heard those words growing up. “I want to thank you for being the best Mom you could be. I know all those years you struggled with money and probably laid awake at night worrying about how to feed us or keep the roof over our head. How you worked your butt off to care for us, knowing that when you came home, your ungrateful daughter would bitch at you because it wasn’t good enough. You always said when I was thirty, maybe I would wise up. Well, thirty has come and gone a few times, and I just now feel like I’m starting to understand things. I am finally seeing the person you really were. I just wish I would have realized all of this years ago, but I was too stubborn and too angry to see what was right in front of me. I forgot about the best part of me, and that is you. I wouldn’t be who I am today if it weren’t for you. I know we had our differences; lord knows. I was a worrisome child, but maybe, just maybe, you can leave a little of you behind for a while. I think I still have some growing up to do, and I could sure use your help.”

Marly felt a cool breeze blow in off the lake and ruffle her hair, much like her mother had done so many years ago. She knew immediately that her mother was telling her she was still there if she needed her. In that one instant, Marly suddenly realized that all those years of her mother
nagging
her to be better was Anne’s way of preparing her to be a responsible adult so that when she left Marly, Anne would know she was okay. Everything Anne had ever done was out of unconditional love for her daughter. Marly felt years of resentment disappear on the wind. She felt infinitely lighter, the load she had carried for so long suddenly gone. Marly felt the tears slide down her cheeks, and she rested her hand on her mother’s urn. “I’m sorry I didn’t show you I loved you enough. I hope you could see through all my bullshit. I love you, Mom. I always have and I always will. I will see you smiling at me every day. I know every time I sit on the porch swing I'll remember all the nights you waited up for me when I missed curfew. Or your silly coffee cup that you took everywhere because coffee tasted better in it. I’ll remember how you always told me I was your baby girl, and you would love me no matter. I love you so much, and I miss you. Damn it, I miss you. I just want a little more time to tell you. Maybe you know all of that already. I hope you do.” Marly pulled her mother’s urn into her arms and hugged it to her body. She didn’t fight the tears this time. She let them fall and as the sobs wracked her body, she felt herself start to heal. She felt her mother’s arms around her, comforting her, brushing her hair off her face and telling her she loved her. It was the closure Marly needed, knowing that no matter where she went Anne would be with her, forever in her heart. Marly sat like that for a long time before she wiped the tears from her face. She knew what she needed to do for her mother.