Maggie Lee (Book 11): The Hitwoman Hires a Manny (5 page)

I rushed over to the couch, threw back the throw cushion, and snatched up a cell phone. It immediately buzzed in my hand. Startled, I dropped it. It clattered against the basement floor.

"Brilliant," God said snidely. "Break it before you even get to use it."

"Shut up." I snatched up the throw pillow and tossed it in the general vicinity of his enclosure.

"Violence never solved anything," he gasped.

"You act like I was trying to kill you."

"You were."

"It's a pillow. By its very definition it's soft." I picked up the fallen phone as it buzzed again. "Hello?"

There was no answer. I looked at it more closely and realized it was buzzing to indicate there was a voicemail.

I looked to Piss. "I don't suppose he told you the passcode?"

She squinted her good eye at me. "You do know that most humans don't talk to animals, right?"

"It was worth a shot." I glared at the phone. Why had Patrick left it for me, if I couldn't use it?

DeeDee whined outside the cellar door. "Hungry."

"He fed her. Her appetite is endless," the cat hissed.

"Sure," God complained, "he feeds her, but what about me?"

The cat arched her back. “You weren’t even here.”

Ignoring them both, I opened the door and let DeeDee back in.

The phone buzzed again.

“Patrick!” DeeDee licked the phone affectionately as though it was the man’s hand.

“Hey,” I snatched it away, “careful
.”  Moving away to get her some food, I said casually, “
I don’t suppose he gave you the code for the phone.”

God snorted derisively.

“Yes,” the Doberman barked.

I stopped and stared at her. “Yes?”

The dog grinned. “Patrick yes code gave the me.”

“Dreadful!” the lizard thundered from his enclosure. “Dreadful grammar. Dreadful! Do you hear me?”

DeeDee cocked her head to the side and replied innocently, “Yes.”

“
Dumb
and dreadful,” God raged.

“Oh stick a sock in it,” Piss stalked toward the terrarium, “before I make you take that back.”

The lizard shrank back, pushing himself against the glass, muttering what sounded like, “Ethically-challenged predator.”

Piss flattened her good ear.

“Can we just back it up a step?” I requested, focusing on the dog. “You have the code?”

She bounded toward me, jumping up to rest her front paws on my shoulders, almost knocking me over.

“Whoa,” I cried, stumbling backward.

“It’s a dog, not a horse,” God reminded me.

Before I could tell the cat to attack him, the dog licked my face.

“See?” she panted.

“See what?” I asked, struggling to stay upright beneath the double-assault of dog breath and her significant weight. But then I saw it. She was wearing a new collar. “Down!” I gasped. “Get down.”

Leveraging herself off my shoulders, she obeyed my command, and looked up at me expectantly.

“Did Patrick give you this?” I reached for the collar.

“Yes.”

Unbuckling it, I examined both sides and found that a message was written in permanent marker on the inside.

“Value of olives,” I read aloud.

“
That’s
helpful,” God mocked.

“Actually it is.” I snatched up the phone. “I told him that Armani would like him since she assigns numerical values to every name and his is worth fifteen.”

“That silly Scrabble tiles thing?” The lizard flicked his tail. “So the code is ‘eight’?”

“Nine,” Piss corrected. “As in cats have nine lives.”

“I don’t think a phone can have a one digit code,” I murmured, inputting numbers, “but if I put in 1-1-1-4-1-1…” The phone unlocked. I grinned victoriously, waving it for the animals to see. “He really did give DeeDee the code.”

She wagged her stub of a tail. “You told.”

“Told you!” God raged. “Told you, not you told, you imbecile.”

I snatched up another throw pillow, which effectively shut up the lizard.

Smiling, I lifted the phone to my ear, and listened to the voicemail message Patrick had left.

“Hey Mags. Sorry I missed ya, but I wanted to let you know I’ll be out of town. Duty calls. Stay out of trouble.”

The message ended. I stared at the phone. “What the hell?” I shook it, as though that could dislodge some additional information.

“Well that frown can’t be good. What’s wrong, Sugar?” Piss wrapped her body around my leg.

“He’s gone out of town.” I sank down onto the couch.

“For how long?” Piss purred.

“He didn’t say.”

“Why’d he leave?” the lizard asked from his enclosure.

“All he said was ‘duty calls’.”

“Legal or illegal duty?” God asked.

I shrugged.

“Gone Patrick?” DeeDee whined pitifully.

“For a while,” I replied, hoping I didn’t sound as pathetic as she did.

“What about Darlene?” I muttered, cradling my head in my hands.

“Marlene?”

“Darlene with a ‘D’ as in dummy,” God corrected. “The other sister.”

Confused, DeeDee buried her head in my lap and sighed heavily.

Absentmindedly I pet her as I explained, “Patrick was supposed to help me find her.”

“I’m sure he will when he gets back,” Piss purred soothingly.

“Why wait for him?” God scoffed. Before I could tell him to shut up, he added, “You manage just fine without him. Admit it.”

As much as it pained me, I had to agree with the lizard. “I do manage,” I said slowly.

God waved his tail like it was a pompom. “And you can find her without him.”

I hesitated. Could I? “I can try.”

“Excellent!” The lizard clapped his little paws.

I could tell from the side-eyed look Piss was giving me, that the cat was dubious about the plan.

I ignored her, and focused on the lizard’s cheerleading.

“Patrick no?” DeeDee whined pitifully.

“Not this time,” I told her with more conviction than I felt.

The dog looked at my face, worry shining in her dark eyes. “Patrick mad?”

I shook my head. “We’re not mad at each other. We’re just…” I trailed off, not sure what the redhead and I were to each other.

I’d thought we were making progress with our relationship, but this latest development was a reminder of how tenuous a grip I had on him. I wasn’t sure if I was more angry or sad by his abrupt desertion.

Before I could figure it out, there were three sharp knocks against the basement door.

“Are you down there, Margaret?” Aunt Susan called.

“I’m here.” I jumped off the couch and ran up the stairs to open the door for her. “What’s up?”

“I have wonderful news,” she gushed, grabbing my arm and pulling me into the kitchen.

“The twins already showed me the room. It’s wonderful. I can’t thank you enough.”

“It did turn out well, but that’s not what I wanted to tell you. I have an even better surprise.”

“Better?” I asked suspiciously. Marlene was right, I really didn’t like surprises.

“I found someone to take care of Katie.”

Frowning, I crossed my arms over my chest. “I thought we were going to take care of her. That’s why I quit my job at the insurance company.”

“Yes, yes, dear,” Susan soothed. “But I found someone to pick up the slack.”

“Who?” I asked as Loretta wandered into the kitchen.

“A manny.”

“A manny?” I practically shrieked.

“I adore mani pedis,” Loretta interrupted. “Nothing says femininity like a pretty mani.”

“Not that kind of manny,” Susan corrected.

“There’s no such thing as an ugly mani,” her sister countered, batting her false eyelashes.

“I don’t want a manny. I don’t need a manny,” I roared.

“Of course not,” Loretta soothed. “You’re beautiful without one.”

“I already hired him,” Susan told me.

“Hired him?” I shouted. “I’m Katie’s guardian, not you. What the hell makes you think you can hire someone to care of her without consulting with me?”

Susan blinked. “I was just trying to help.”

“By cutting me out of the process and making unilateral decisions?” Fighting for control over my emotions, I lowered my voice. “You can’t just do what
you
think is best for Katie.”

“You’re right,” Susan agreed. “I shouldn’t have hired him without talking it over with you first. It’s just that the arrangement was so perfect…”

I squinted at her. “What arrangement?”
 

“Well, he needs a place to stay while he figures out where he wants to live, what he wants to do…” Susan began to explain.

“You hired a homeless man to take care of Katie?” I shrieked, giving up all pretense of having a calm, logical conversation.

Susan arched an eyebrow. “Of course not, he’s a qualified and respectable individual.”

I frowned at her, feeling the beginnings of a headache throb at my temples. “Who happens to be environmentally friendly because he lives in a recycled cardboard box?”

Loretta, who’d watched the conversation like it was a professional sporting match, interjected, “Is he handsome?”

“Who cares if he’s handsome?” I grabbed my skull with both hands, trying to make the pounding in my head stop.

“He’s quite good-looking,” Susan told her, ignoring my outburst. “And he has wonderful manners.” She gave me a pointed look.

“Are those his qualifications?” I sniped.

“I’ll have you know he already chased off an unsavory character who was lurking in front of the house.”

“We already have a guard dog,” I snapped.

“Before you get yourself all worked up--” Susan began.

“I’m already worked up!” I yelled.

“Why don’t you at least meet the young man?”

“Meet him? I don’t want to meet him. I want to fire his homeless ass.”

Susan shrugged. “Okay. That’s your prerogative. He’s waiting in the dining room.”