magic and mayhem 01 - switching hour (8 page)

Chuck, now in full possession of his voice, shifted back and forth uncomfortably. "Um, no. I usually just bent her over the chair and…"

"Enough!" Simon cut him off before he illuminated the room with details about my dead aunt's sex life.

Nice. I was definitely no longer attracted to the bear who had clearly popped my aunt.

"Sheeeeee was a sluuuuut like your motheeer," Fabio announced.

"I do believe I already told you that I'm the only one who is allowed to bust on my mother's morals." I heaved out a sigh and paced the room. What I really needed was to get the hell out of the house and breathe some fresh air. "I'm going for a walk."

"We'll come with you," Wanda offered quickly.

"Actually, Wanda, I want to be alone."

"Is that safe?" she whispered to Simon.

"What are you talking about?" I demanded.

"It's fine," Simon assured me and the other Shifters nodded. "Your land is being patrolled by Mac and several other wolves."

All of the Shifters bowed their heads in deference to this Mac dude.

Well, all right then. I was getting the hell out for a bit. Mac and his posse clearly had it under control.

Chapter 8

I was definitely
not
getting attached to the place, but I had to admit Assbuckle, West Virginia was beautiful. The leaves were jewel-toned and fall blooms exploded all over the hill as I meandered away from the house. I knew they were all watching me from the windows so I walked farther away than I had planned.

Which of course turned out to be a fantastically stupid idea.

I heard it before I saw it—teeth gnashing, growls and screams. Instead of running away like any normal person would, I ran toward it. I was in no mood to heal any more hairy, bloody bastards. It was time for these idiots to get along.

Holy Hell. It was ugly with a capital U. There had to be at least twenty honey badgers on the one wolf. The wolf was being attacked on every side. He was tearing them apart, but there were entirely too many and they were getting a piece of him with each strike. I watched for a brief moment, then my body jerked into action before my brain could process what a bad plan that might be.

Green and blood red magical fire whooshed up my arms and a fury consumed me. I was certain I looked like a Christmas tree inferno, but this was no time to be vain. Were these the fuckers that had tried to kill little Bo? And now they were after my bodyguard? Hell no. Not on my clock.

I pointed and aimed. Blazing magic flew from my hands to the bad guys. Two honey badgers popped like watermelons when you dropped them off of a five-story building. How did I know this? Easy. I'd been tossing watermelons and other large fruit off buildings since I was a child. Innocent fun had been difficult to come by as a young witch...

The wolf glanced over in shock for a moment and then went back to his fight with a viciousness that left me a bit breathless. I sure as hell hoped he was the good guy because I was popping badgers like I popped bubble wrap. Between the two of us I was fairly sure we were winning.

It was all going swimmingly until my aim went awry and I zapped the wolf in the ass.

"Shit," I screamed as I watched him drop to the ground with a thud. At least he didn't pop.

The honey badgers that remained dove on him while several ran at full speed toward me. As soon as I was done here I was leaving this town. For real.

I lifted my arms and chanted to the Goddess.

"Evil is as evil does.

Help me save the day.

Take from this Earth the ones who sin.

Make them go away."

In a massive blast of magic each and every honey badger was blown to smithereens and I couldn't have been happier. Violence had never been my forte or desire, but when it came down to me or them I definitely voted for me.

Now for the wolf...

He was huge and smelled like sunshine and wind. WTF? Animals were supposed to stink. Thankfully he was still alive. Even though he was a bloody mess I wanted to bury my face in his fur. However, I needed to get the huge thing out of here. Who knew what else was lurking?

Only one problem… he weighed a ton.

I considered going back for help, but there was no way I was leaving him out here alone and practically dead. So I dragged him. Magic helped, but I was a bit depleted from my honey badger kill-fest. I was sweating and got his blood on my mini skirt. That was unacceptable. I needed to zap myself into a clean skirt, but that would be using my magic incorrectly according to Bumpy Yumpy. I hated Bumpy Yumpy.

Thirty minutes later and now sporting blood on my Prada flats and chocolate cami, I was pissed. But I was home.

"Get your asses out here and help me," I shouted.

Simon, Wanda, Bo, Fabio, Chuck and the trio I didn't want to know the names of came flying out of the house.

"Ohhhhhhh myyyyyy Goddesssss, what happened?" Fabio screeched.

"Honey badgers happened," I hissed.

"And you're still alive?" the rabbit asked.

"Apparently. And I sure as hell hope there are some flats in that Prada bag you brought because I ruined these. Help me get this damn wolf to the basement."

Fabio came right to my side, but the others were frozen in shock. As Fab would be of little help dragging the wolf, I slapped my hands on my hips and stared down the crowd.

"Did you stop speaking English while I was out popping honey badgers?" I demanded.

"You popped them?" the mountain lion asked, impressed.

"Like ticks. Now help me."

"That's Mac," the rabbit gasped. "What happened to him?"

"I had bad aim and I zapped him by accident," I explained to the flabbergasted group. "What? I didn't mean to."

"He's gonna be mad." The wolf I'd healed was grinning from ear to ear.

"And that's funny?" I ground out.

"Yep," he answered. "Very funny."

"Whatever. Just help me bring him to the basement."

"I think it would be better and more appropriate if we took him to a bedroom," Simon volunteered. He had gone pale and was shaking.

"Absolutely not. He may smell really good, but he's bleeding like a stuck pig and I am not doing laundry. He goes to the basement or he can bite it on the front lawn."

"You think he smells good?" Chuck asked, surprised.

All the damn Shifters tried to bite back delighted smiles. What was going on here?

"Yes. He smells good. So what?"

"Describe it," the mountain lion insisted gleefully.

"Oh my Goddess, this is so dumb. He smells like sunshine and wind. You want to know anything else while he bleeds out on the grass?"

"Nope." The mountain lion, wolf and Chuck the bear were positively ecstatic. They picked the wounded wolf up, took him to the basement and locked him in a cage.

"Is that really necessary?" I asked. "You can just leave him on the floor. You don't have to lock him up like a convict."

"Zeeelda just spent nine months in the pokey for killing meeeee," Fabio explained to a now confused crowd.

"TMI, dude," I told my cat. "Seriously, don't lock him up."

I had no clue why locking the wolf up bothered me but it did.

"Trust me," the rabbit chimed in. "It will be better for everyone if he's incarcerated when he wakes up."

The Shifters all moved quickly to the stairs and right out the front door, including Simon, Chuck, Wanda and Bo.

"Um, is there a reason you all are leaving so soon?" I asked, now somewhat uncomfortable and more than a little freaked out. "Is he going to want kill me or something like that?"

"Hell no," my mountain lion buddy said. "He won't harm a hair on your head. We just think you'll need some privacy."

With that cryptic message they fled. It was me and Fabio against the world...and the wolf.

"Was that as weird as I think it was?" I asked him.

"I'd haaave to say yesssss."

"Okay, good, because I'd hate to think I was crazy."

"Ohhhh, you're crazy, buuut that was odd."

"You're a pain in my ass," I told him as I flopped down on the couch and went for the remote of the lovely ginormous flat screen TV.

"Thaank youuuu. Can weeee watch Animal Planet?"

"No. No, we can't. Nice try though."

"How abooout
Say Yes to the Dressssssss
?"

"Now you're talking."

Chapter 9

I jerked up and gasped as I wiped the drool from my mouth. I had clearly fallen asleep. Dragging several hundred pounds of wolf and getting bled on can do that to a girl. Fabio was on my head and the racket coming from the basement made me shudder. The wolf was awake and he wasn't happy.

His bellowing was ear splitting and it was giving me a headache. Obviously he had shifted back to human form and was pissed. Suddenly it seemed like a very good idea that he was locked up, but if the violent cage rattling was any indication he wouldn't be locked up for long.

Shitshitshit
.

"What do I do?" I hissed at Fabio as I pulled him off my head.

"Ruuun?" he suggested.

His recommendation had merit and I considered it for eight seconds, but when the shouting got even louder I got mad.

"I saved that stupid wolf's life. He is not going to give me a migraine," I groused as I got to my feet. "You coming?"

"Oooonly if youuuuu make me," he said.

"You're worthless," I muttered as I stomped to the door of the basement. I'd had enough of this crap. At least the last group I'd saved had brought me presents. This jackass was just loud and ungrateful.

"Let me out of here. Now," a deep and strangely familiar voice bellowed.

"If you would shut your cakehole for two seconds I might," I yelled as I rounded the corner and marched angrily into the room only to stop short and gape.

It was Hot Ass Guy from the grocery store and he was naked. About six feet four of total, furious buck ass naked perfection enthralled me and I couldn't move. His eyes narrowed dangerously as he took me in.

"I should have known it was you," he muttered disgustedly.

"Listen, you unappreciative asswaffle, you need to change that crappy attitude or I'll leave you in that cage," I shot back. I also tried like hell not to stare at his truly spectacular package.

"Did you just call me an asswaffle?" he asked in shock.

"Yes, I did...because you are."

"My eyes are up here," he countered dryly.

I felt the heat crawl up my neck and land on my cheeks as I yanked my gaze from his abundant man jewels to his face.

"Can't blame a girl for looking," I informed him, hoping I sounded casual and uninterested. My bored tone was actually pretty good, but my insides were on fire and my lady bits were screaming. Holy Hell, if I let him out there was a fine chance I'd jump him.

"If you release me I'll let you touch it," he offered in a voice that made my knees weak.

"No. You're a pig. I wouldn't touch that thing if you paid me," I snapped. "I'm sure it's had a very active social life."

"First of all I'm a wolf, not a pig—pig shifters don't exist. As far as my Johnson's social life goes, he knows what to do."

He grinned and my panties dampened.

"So you're the new Shifter Whisperer?" he asked doubtfully.

"First of all, you really need to come up with a more original name than Johnson for your weenie, and even if you begged I wouldn’t touch that behemoth with a ten foot pole. And no, I am not the new Shifter Woowoohoodoo. I'm just filling in until you idiots find a permanent replacement. Now if you want me to fix you, you will have to cover your
Johnson
or shift back to wolf."

"Come here," he said softly.

"Um… I don't think that's a good plan," I mumbled as I fought to unlock my green eyes from staring into his sapphire blue ones.

"Come here," he repeated softly.

Son of a bitch, his voice was like honey and he smelled like heaven. My body yet again took over for my brain. I walked toward the wolf like a moth to a flame.

As I approached his eyes grew wide and he sniffed the air. He winced and pinched the bridge of his nose.

"Stop that. I do not smell bad," I snapped just before I angrily walked to the cage and poked him. "You are rude and I might not fix you."

He grabbed my hand and pinned me against the cage. "This is not happening," he muttered. "This cannot be happening."

"You may be hot but you're weird...and you're scaring me. Let me go.
Now
."

I tried to jerk away but he held me fast. His scent was making me dizzy and my stomach was hosting a track meet. I needed to get away from him. Quickly.

"Open the cage, Zelda."

He was very sexy and I was very horny. Not a good combo.