Authors: Rhonda Dennis
Tags: #Literature & Fiction, #Humor & Satire, #Humorous, #Romance, #Contemporary, #Romantic Comedy, #General Humor
“Does this hurt? Is it sore?” he asks, running his hand over my collarbones. I shake my head. My body is on fire! “What about here?” he asks, his hands on either side of my rib cage. If I had teeth and a lip that wasn’t the size of a sausage, I’d bite it. “Anything here?” he questions, gripping my hips and giving them a slight squeeze. My breathing quickens. Wait! He’s moving down the length of my body! I don’t shave my legs! Haven’t done it in three years! He’s going to find a freaking forest! I bet he’ll puke. A million thoughts plague my mind at once.
Get him back up here! Get him back up here! Make him abort! Cough! Wheeze! Do something!
A mixture of a sneeze, cough, snort, and laugh spews forth, and Jace is instantly at my side. “Are you feeling sick? You swallowed some blood and that irritates the stomach. Do you feel like you’re going to vomit?” I shake my head as tears seep from the corners of my eyes. That damned distraction hurt like hell!
He gently strokes my hair. “I’m sorry. I know it hurts. We’re almost to the hospital. How about we play a game? I’m going to try to guess your name. Mr. Gaines told me that it’s a flower name. I’m going to run through the alphabet, and when I hit the first letter of your name, you squeeze my hand. Okay?” he asks, sliding his hand into mine. I want to swoon. “A. B. C….” When he gets to
M
, I give a squeeze. “Okay, flowers that start with an M. Marigold? Mimosa? Wait, is that a drink or a flower?” he asks. I don’t care. The longer he takes to guess, the longer he holds my hand! “Magnolia?” Darn! I give his hand a squeeze.
He reclines back comfortably against the backrest of his seat. “Magnolia. That’s a new one, and believe me, I come across some pretty unique names in this business.” All I can do is give a semi-gurgle as I reply. “Here, let me help you. This is just like the spit sucker at the dentist, just bigger.” He places the long, rigid catheter into the corner of my mouth, and I no longer feel as though I’m drowning. “Better, right? I can see it in your eyes,” he says. “Here, you hold it, and use it whenever you feel. We’re about two blocks from the hospital, ‘k?”
I sort of roll my eyes a bit in place of a verbal “yes.” The ambulance stops, and though my face is killing me, I’m a little sad that the ride is over. Jace would soon be a memory, and goodness only knows what tortures await me beyond those sliding glass doors! I take a mental photograph of Jace’s firm, tight ass as he bends his tall frame to exit the back of the ambulance. He wooshes by me quickly, so I wasn’t afforded much of a gaze. Damn! My libido suddenly bottoms out when I see the reaction of bystanders as I’m rolled down the hallway.
Full grown men suddenly turn pale when they see me, a woman gasps, and behind me I hear heaving. Oh, my God! How bad is my face? I desperately try to turn my head in search of Jace, who I know is at the head of the stretcher. He puts his hand on my shoulder. “Relax; you’re okay.” Some of the tension leaves when I feel his touch.
“Hi, Jace,” a very soft spoken bleached blonde says coming from behind the nurses’ station. “She goes to room five.” She holds up five fingers while coyly twisting her ponytail with her fingers.
“Five it is, Nancy. Catch you on the way out?” Jace asks.
“Maybe,” she flirtatiously replies. She gives him a quick wink before swiping a clipboard from a rack on the desk and disappearing down the hall. We enter the room the nurse has assigned, and Jace and his partner help me get from their stretcher to the hospital’s. A male nurse and female doctor enter before the transfer is complete.
“Big J!” the burly male nurse calls.
“You know it,” Jace says tapping elbows with the man. “And the ravishing Dr. Cloudia James as treating physician—nice. You’re in good hands, Maggie.”
“It’s Claudia, not Cloudia,” she says, taking my hand lightly in hers. “Private joke,” she says as an aside. “Give me details about this case.”
Casually propping his forearms on the vacated stretcher, Jace begins, “According to Mr. Gaines, the owner of the art shop, Magnolia, our patient here,” he says, nodding in my direction, “was trying to buy a hobby knife. Mr. Gaines is nearly blind and hard of hearing, so he didn’t realize she was right behind him. He turned, startling her, and she nicked his neck. There was blood, and syncope followed. Ms. Last-Name-Still-Undetermined,” he winks at me, “collapsed. She did a nosedive into the counter then wound up face down on the tile floor. Most of her teeth are missing; we managed to salvage some.” He holds up a plastic specimen cup that looks like Chiclets floating in pale pink water. “Vitals were stable on scene and remained so en route.”
Dr. James palpates the more tender areas of my face. “I’m sorry. I know it hurts.” She shines a light in my eyes, up my nose, and into my mouth, and then orders a series of tests. Mack, the burly male nurse, scribbles some notes onto the chart while Jace and Dr. James huddle in the corner.
I’m nervous they’re discussing something about my condition, but it’s clear from their body language that the conversation is entirely personal. They step out the room, and I’m left alone with Big Mack. He’s huge and bald, except for a little ring that starts about an inch above his ears, and intimidating as hell. His skin is the color of dark chocolate, and his eyes, rich amber. He looks more like a professional wrestler than a nurse.
“Hello? Can you hear me?” Mack snaps his fingers near my ear. I nod. “Okay, thought you zoned out on me for a minute. Do you have an ID on you?” I shake my head. “In here?” he asks, dangling my bag from the tip of one of his sausage-like fingers. I’m mesmerized by his swinging jowls. It’s hypnotic. Back and forth, back and forth they swing with each word he says. There are two, then four, back to two.
Why won’t my eyes focus?
“The drugs must be kicking in. Doc gave you some pain medication in your IV.”
When did I get an IV? How long have I been here? Jowls.
I laugh to myself.
That’s a funny word. Jow-els. Jow-ellls. Jow…
I’m out.
I’m on a deserted island. A sultry breeze does nothing to stop the beads of sweat from pooling into the bra of my makeshift bikini top. I toss down the pestle in my hand to wipe my dripping brow, and as I reach to pick it up, I spy Jace making his way down the beach with a string of fish. He’s nude, except for the tiniest scrap of fabric that winds around his hips—tight, toned, and all man. My heart thuds in response to the very sight of him.
“Mags, why would you do this to yourself? Look at you, all hot and sweaty. You know that I like to handle all of the physical work. You may lounge, frolic, swim, anything your heart desires, but all work should be left to me.”
“I’m sorry. I forgot,” I say with a pout.
“Your insubordination calls for punishment. Wait here for me.” He’s gone for only a minute or so before returning with a hollowed out coconut filled with cool water. “Drink. It’s important for you to stay hydrated.” I drink the majority of it, but some of it streams down my throat and chest. “We must not waste precious fluids.” Jace dips his head low, his tongue eagerly lapping the salty water from my chest. My nerve endings ignite. He pulls off my top to continue licking around and under my breasts, then plants small, tender kisses all the way down to my navel.
“Take off your skirt,” he orders. Without batting an eye, I do so. He sits on the trunk of a low slung coconut tree, then motions that I should lie across his lap. His hand makes contact with my bare bottom, and I bite my lip to stop the pleasure-filled scream from escaping. Again and again, he taps my ass with his palm. I’m oblivious to everything but the feel of his firm hand and his growing erection pressing hard against my belly. He stops what he’s doing to carefully place me on the sand. “I hope I wasn’t too hard on you.” His eyes look deeply into mine. “That was just part one of your punishment. Part two begins now.”
“Part two?” I ask coyly. “What are you going to do to me?”
“I’m going to fill you with my nine inch penis, over and over again, until you beg for mercy. I know it’s harsh, but…”
“No buts. You’re right,” I quickly say. He lowers his head to kiss me. He grows closer and closer until I feel his lips on mine. My fingers gingerly run through his…
Wait. Jace’s hair is short. What I’m feeling is long and fluffy. My eyes fly open, and if my jaw weren’t wired shut, I’d be screaming bloody murder.
The golden retriever, who was now licking my hand, parks its rear onto the floor. The dog’s owner, a gray-haired woman in her mid-sixties, looks down on me with a mixture of disbelief and disdain.
Oh, shit! My dream! What did I say? Nothing. I can’t really talk right now. Uh, oh! I must’ve done something inappropriate. Shit! Shit! Shit!
“We’ll be moving to the next patient. Come, Scooter. Now!” The dog was instantly at her side. “Feel better soon,” she tosses as an afterthought before shutting the door.
Almost as soon as the latch clicks into place, the cacophony starts. Big Daddy and Sunny arrive. She’s in a muumuu, and nothing more, not even shoes. Her hair is braided loosely and wound into little circles on either side of her head. He’s in his usual seersucker suit. The only thing different is that his long gray hair isn’t neatly slicked back like it usually is; instead it’s slightly disheveled and free from product.
“I’m utterly outraged! What an abomination! What a complete travesty this supposed healing facility is trying to pass off as modern medicine. I’ve just returned from the business office. Do you have any idea what they estimate this stay will cost? Highway robbery!” He begins to look around the room, gathering items into his arms. “Facial tissues, not a necessity. Did you drink from this mug? Of course not, your jaw is wired shut. It’s going back!”
“Shorry, Shig Shatty,” I manage to hiss. He sure didn’t complain about money when he was forking it out for Sunny’s new boobs. I roll my eyes.
“No, no, no, no! You have nothing to apologize for,” Sunny says, taking the collection from Big Daddy’s arms. “If anyone owes an apology, it’s me. Those art supplies could’ve waited. Are you in much pain, Magnolia?”
I shrug. “Shwhat did shey do to me?”
“They pretty much reconstructed your face from the nose down,” Sunny answers.
“Shwat! Shreconstucted my fash!”
“Now, now. Nothing to get upset about. The nasal splint will come off in about a week, and after your jaw heals, we’ll see a specialist about your missing teeth.” Sunny tugs on the string to open the blinds; the room is instantly flooded with sunshine. Squinting hurts, and it hurts bad! Once I start to whimper, she lowers them to something less blinding then takes a seat next to me. “Murray, take a walk.”
He grumbles for a bit, but nonetheless, disappears from the room. “Are you feeling okay?” she asks, taking my frail hand in hers. I shrug. “You’ve been through a terrible ordeal. Don’t listen to your father. He’s upset because he won’t get to play the heartbroken father who is desperate for justice because of the agony his poor disfigured daughter has suffered. I forbade him to even think of a lawsuit against Mr. Gaines. He’s angry with me, not you.”
I give a slight nod.
“Although, I don’t understand what you were doing with a hobby knife. I didn’t ask for one of those.”
“Shrowject. Artsh and crasht. Shurprise.”
“Oh, how lovely. Your artistic gene has finally kicked in! Shall I save you a spot in class? We’re doing sailboats next week.”
Remembering saggy balls and droopy boobs, I quickly decline by shaking my head, which I do a little too vehemently. The room starts to spin.
“That’s okay, some other time,” Sunny says, giving me a slight kiss on the forehead. “Your hair looks nice down and free flowing like this. It’s been a long time since I’ve seen it in anything other than a bun. It’s lovely. We’ll see you later.” After a soft pat on the head, she leaves the room. That’s how Sunny and Big Daddy do things.
Curious as to how much damage my face had sustained, I reach over to the rolling table to my right and pull it close to me. Inside is a pop up mirror. I gasp when I see the face staring back at me. My swollen face is every shade of purple in the color spectrum. The thick white nasal splint only serves to draw more attention to how discolored my face truly is. My lips are double their normal size, and when I manage to pull them back some, all I see is a dark abyss. Disheartened, I try to get as much sleep as possible in between the blood pressure checks, the blood draws, the doctors’ rounds, the food deliveries (which are pointless since I can’t eat anything), and the medication administration. It turns out to be very little rest for me.
The next morning, Sunny and Big Daddy come back to the hospital because I’m being discharged. Everything is pretty much a repeat of the previous day, Big Daddy in his suit grumbling, Sunny in her revealing silky muumuu discussing sailboat painting, and me desperate to be anywhere but where I am. The discharge paperwork is signed, and a wheelchair is brought to the room. I’m free to go, and I can’t wait to hide out in my apartment.
Big Daddy has control of the wheelchair, while Sunny walks behind us with my bag straps criss-crossed over her chest. She is either oblivious or totally enjoys the stares her getup is attracting.
We cross the threshold of the sliding glass doors, and the first thing I notice once we get outside is the ambulance in the bay. My eyes quickly dart around, half-hoping to see Jace, and half-hoping
not
to see Jace.
“Hey, Mags! They’re sending you home?” his voice calls from nearby. My stomach flips. The brilliance of his bright white smile is overshadowed by his striking, crystal blue eyes.
“I don’t remember naming my child Mags, young man. If I wanted her to be called Mags, I’d have named her such. Her name is Magnolia, and she should be referred to by said name.”
“Hey, aren’t you the guy on TV? You get people money faster than grass through a goose or something like that?”
“I am, and if you can’t tell, I’m trying to get my daughter home. Unless… Have you suffered a personal injury? Know someone who has?”
Jace shakes his head.
“Murray, leave him alone!” Sunny yells, bursting into a full-on jog. What Big Daddy did left me red, though no one can tell through all of the purple. However, what Sunny is doing, well, …that makes me want to roll myself down the ER ramp and into oncoming traffic. It is as if everything is in slow motion. As she dashes towards us, one of Sunny’s hands goes up while the opposite boob goes with it, then it jiggles wildly as her foot connects with the ground. It looks like two cantaloupes spiraling toward and then bouncing off each other. “Murray, I said to stop!” she says, finally catching up to us. Yep, I want to die, but all I can do is hang my head low. Damn the ground for not swallowing me up!
“I apologize for the name mix up. I’m glad you’re doing better. Heal fast, Magnolia.”
“Shank you.” I’m pretty sure I spray him with spittle. I close my eyes and pray for a complete do-over. He lightly taps my shoulder. I know it’s him because I feel the zing, which to my pleasure, is happening quite often. I think back to my dream from the day before, and I can’t help but wonder how off those penile calculations are. When I open my eyes, his crotch is the first thing I see. I start to choke.
Jace squats in front of me. “Coughing is okay. I know it’s a scary sensation, especially with your jaw wired shut. But, we don’t start to worry until you can’t make any noise. Go ahead. I’ll stay here with you until you stop.”
My eyes water, I’m pretty sure I rupture something in my nasal cavity, and I make some of the oddest noises ever emitted from a human, but I finally stop coughing. My gaze drifts to Jace’s crotch again.
Damn it! Get a grip, woman!
The worst part is that I think he notices because he quickly bounces on his heels to stand upright, says a quick goodbye, and rejoins his partner at the ambulance. I’m humiliated!
“Let’s get you home,” Sunny says.
“Yesh! Pwease!” I say, utterly embarrassed, yet strangely turned on.