Man From the USSR & Other Plays (5 page)

As I told you, it's close to nine. Soon they'll start gathering.

Those legs are heading here.

(There appears, in the strip of window, a pair of legs, which first cross from left to right, then stop, then go in the opposite direction, then stop again, then change direction again. They belong to Kuznetsoff, but are seen in silhouette form, i.e., two-dimensional and black, like black cardboard cutouts. Only their outline is reminiscent of his real legs, which
[tn
gray pants and sturdy, tan shoes] will appear onstage together with their owner two or three speeches later.)

 

OSHIVENSKI

And one fine day nobody will gather at all. Listen, old chap, pull down the blind and turn on some lights. Yes ... one fine day....A colleague of mine in the tavern business—what's his name ... Meyer—was telling me everything was going fine, his place was flourishing—then, suddenly, what do you know: nobody shows up.... Ten o'clock, eleven, midnight—nobody....Matter of chance, of course.

 

FYODOR FYODOROVICH

I told you those legs were coming here.
(The blue cloth covering the door begins to bulge.)

 

OSHIVENSKI

A matter of chance all right, but an amazing one. Nobody came at all that whole night.
(Pushing aside the cloth, Kuznetsoff appears and pauses on the top step. He is dressed for travel: gray suit, no hat, tan raincoat draped over his arm. He is a man of average height with an unprepossessing clean-shaven face, with narrowed myopic eyes. His hair is dark and slightly thinning at the temples, and he wears a polka-dot bow tie. At first sight it is hard to tell if he is a foreigner or a Russian.)

 

FYODOR FYODOROVICH
(jauntily)
Guten abend.
(He turns on the lights and lowers the blue blinds. The passing legs disappear from view.)

 

OSHIVENSKI
(in a low-pitched drawl)
Guten abend.

 

KUZNETSOFF

(cautiously negotiating the stairs)

Hello. It's no good having those stairs going right down from the door.

 

OSHIVENSKI

Beg pardon?

 

KUZNETSOFF

It's treacherous—particularly if the customer is already tipsy. He'll come crashing down. You'd better do something about it.

 

OSHIVENSKI

Well, you know, there's not much you can do—after all, this
is
a basement, and if I start setting up a platform there—

 

KUZNETSOFF

I was told that Baron Taubendorf is working as a waiter here. I'd like to see him.

 

OSHIVENSKI

That's absolutely correct—he's already been with me for two weeks. Maybe you'd like to sit down—he should be here any minute. Fyodor Fyodorovich, what time is it?

 

KUZNETSOFF

I don't feel like waiting. You'd better tell me where he lives.

 

FYODOR FYODOROVICH

The Baron comes in at nine on the dot. For the opening curtain, so to speak. He'll be here in a moment. Do sit down. Sorry about the boxes of nails on the chair...

 

KUZNETSOFF
(sits; a box falls down)
Didn't see it.

 

FYODOR FYODOROVICH

Don't worry, I'll pick them up.
(drops to one knee in front of Kuznetsoff and begins picking up the scattered nails)

 

OSHIVENSKI

Some people find a certain charm in the fact that you enter by descending a flight of stairs.

 

KUZNETSOFF

All these props are no use. How's business? Bad, I suppose?

 

OSHIVENSKI

Not so good.... Not many Russians around—well-to-do ones, I mean; there's no shortage of poor ones, of course. As for the Germans, they have their own pubs, their own habits. So we struggle along as best we can. At first it seemed to me that the idea of a basement tavern...

 

KUZNETSOFF

Well, right now your tavern's pretty empty. How much are your expenses?

 

OSHIVENSKI

On the high side, to be quite frank. I rent it, but you know how that goes—if I needed a basement for storage, there'd be one price, this way it's another. And when you add on—

 

KUZNETSOFF

I'm asking you for an exact figure.

 

OSHIVENSKI

One hundred twenty marks. Plus tax, and what a tax....

 

FYODOR FYODOROVICH
(peeking behind the blind)
And here's the Baron!

 

KUZNETSOFF

Where?

 

FYODOR FYODOROVICH
I can tell by his legs. Remarkable thing, legs.

 

OSHIVENSKI

Besides, I had some bad luck with the wine. They got me to buy a batch that was supposed to be a bargain. Instead—
(Taubendorf enters. He is wearing a hat but no coat. He is thin, has a clipped mustache, and is dressed in a worn but still elegant dinner jacket. He pauses on the top step, then comes rushing down.)

 

KUZNETSOFF
(getting up)
Greetings, Kolya.

 

TAUBENDORF

I'll be damned—great to see you! After all these winters, all these summers. More winters than summers....

 

KUZNETSOFF

No, it's only been eight months. Hello, pal, how are you?

 

TAUBENDORF

Wait, let's have a look at you.... Victor Ivanovich, treat him well—he's a dear friend.

 

OSHIVENSKI

Off we go to the wine cellar, Fyodor Fyodorovich.
(Oshivenski and Fyodor Fyodorovich go out the door on the right.)

 

TAUBENDORF
(laughing)
My boss is a bit on the deaf side, but he's a man of gold. All right, Alyosha, hurry, while we're alone, tell me everything.

 

KUZNETSOFF

What's wrong with you—why all the excitement?

 

TAUBENDORF

I want to hear the news....Are you here for long?

 

KUZNETSOFF

Hold on a moment. I just came from the station, and first of all I want to know...

 

TAUBENDORF

This is incredible! You've seen and done God only knows what, and God only knows what danger you've been in ... suddenly you reappear and, as if nothing had happened, there's not a word out of you.

 

KUZNETSOFF
(sitting down)
You'd probably like to see me wearing an operetta sword and gold braid. That's not what it's all about. Where is my wife living now?

 

TAUBENDORF
(standing in front of him)
Fifty-three Hegel Street, Pension Braun.

 

KUZNETSOFF

I see. I rode over from the station to where she lived last time I was here. They didn't know her address. Is her health all right?

 

TAUBENDORF
Yes, she's fine.

 

KUZNETSOFF

I wrote her twice. Once from Moscow and once from Saratov. Did she get my letters?

 

TAUBENDORF

Yes, sir. The post office forwarded them.

 

KUZNETSOFF

And how is her financial situation? Do I owe you anything?

 

TAUBENDORF

No, she had enough to tide her over. She lives very modestly. Alyosha, I can't stand it any longer—tell me—how is it going?

 

KUZNETSOFF

Right.... address, health, money.... What else was there? Oh, yes—She hasn't gotten herself a lover, has she?

 

TAUBENDORF

Of course not!

 

KUZNETSOFF

Too bad.

 

TAUBENDORF

Besides, that's a shocking question.... She's such a darling, your wife. I'll never understand how you could have left her....

 

KUZNETSOFF

Use your head, sweetheart, and you'll understand. One other question: why are you wearing eyeliner?

 

TAUBENDORF

(laughing)
Oh, that's makeup. Very hard to get off.

 

KUZNETSOFF

What have you been up to today?

 

TAUBENDORF

Extra work.

 

KUZNETSOFF

What does that mean?

 

TAUBENDORF

At night I'm a waiter here, and during the day I'm a film extra. Right now they're shooting an idiotic picture about Russia.

 

KUZNETSOFF

Now let's get down to business. Everything is going fine. Comrade Gromov, whom by the way I'll see at the Soviet Mission, has been hinting to me about a promotion, which, naturally, is very gratifying. But, as before, I am short of cash. This must be remedied: I have to meet with a whole lot of people here. Now listen—day after tomorrow Werner is coming in from London. You will give him this ... and this....
(hands him two letters)

 

TAUBENDORF

Alyosha, remember what you promised me last time?

 

KUZNETSOFF

I do. But that's not necessary for now.

 

TAUBENDORF

But I'm only a pawn. My job consists of such trifles. I'm not kept informed of anything. You refuse to tell me anything. I don't want to be a pawn. I don't want to play postman. You promised, Alyosha, that you would take me to Russia with you....

 

KUZNETSOFF

Don't be a fool. So, you'll give this to Werner, and also tell him—
(Oshivenski and Fyodor Fyodorovich return with bottles.)

 

TAUBENDORF

Alyosha, they're coming back....

 

KUZNETSOFF

...that the price of nails is stable.... And be at my place tomorrow at eight. I'm at the Hotel Elysium.

 

TAUBENDORF

What's tomorrow, Tuesday? Yes—fortunately tomorrow is my night off.

 

KUZNETSOFF

Splendid. We'll have a chat, and then we'll go look for some chicks.

 

OSHIVENSKI

Baron, give us a hand here. Soon people will start coming.
(to Kuznetsoff)
May I offer you some cognac?

 

KUZNETSOFF

Many thanks. I won't refuse. How does one get to Hegel Street from here?

 

OSHIVENSKI

It's right nearby: turn right, go three blocks, and you're there.

 

FYODOR FYODOROVICH
(pouring the cognac)
Hegelkinsky....

 

TAUBENDORF

Victor Ivanovich, I think you're acquainted with Mr. Kuznetsoff's wife.

 

KUZNETSOFF

Allow me to introduce myself.

 

OSHIVENSKI

Oshivenski.
(They shake hands.)
Ouch! Excuse me, but I just hit my thumb with a hammer.

 

KUZNETSOFF

Oh, so you're left-handed?

 

OSHIVENSKI

Yes, of course I know her. We met at Easter. My wife, Yevghenia Vasilyevna, and she are great friends.

 

TAUBENDORF

Listen, how did you guess that Victor Ivanovich was left-handed?

 

KUZNETSOFF

Which hand do you usually hold a nail with? You're a real whiz kid....

 

OSHIVENSKI

So you've been out of town?

 

KUZNETSOFF

Yes, out of town.

 

OSHIVENSKI

Warsaw, wasn't it? I think that's what Olga Pavlovna said....

 

KUZNETSOFF

Yes, I visited Warsaw too. To your health.
(Marianna enters. She is wearing a light-gray tailored dress, and has short hair. Her legs and lips immediately identify her as a Russian. She walks with a loose gait.)

 

TAUBENDORF

Your obedient servant, Marianna Sergeyevna.

 

MARIANNA

You're an awful stinker, Baron. How come you didn't wait for me? Moser gave me a lift back in his car, and there was room for you, too.

 

TAUBENDORF

Marianna dear, I was a wreck after the shooting—what with the klieg lights and the yelling and everything. And I was hungry.

 

MARIANNA

You could have warned me. I looked all over for you.

TAUBENDORF

I beg your forgiveness. The humble extra begs the forgiveness of the film star.

 

MARIANNA

No, I'm very hurt. And please don't think the only reason I dropped in here was to tell you that. I need to make a phone call.
Guten abend,
Victor Ivanovich.