Mark McGuinness - Resilience: Facing Down Rejection (2 page)

When you work as a coach or therapist, a kind of ‘natural selection’ occurs as you gain experience. In the beginning you train in different approaches and experiment with all kinds of techniques. Some of them work really well, others not so much. You want to deliver results for clients, so you stick with the ones that work best, and leave the rest aside. So over time, the techniques, tips, questions, and stories that are most helpful to clients are the ones that survive. They adapt and evolve as you refine them through work with many clients.

When I saw people asking for a book about rejection and criticism, I realized it should be fairly straightforward, and that I could compile all the ‘fittest’ ideas, stories, and techniques from my own experience and coaching practice. So that’s what I’ve done.

As I wrote, I imagined sitting down with someone and having a conversation one-to-one. Someone with big dreams, and a sense of huge potential inside them. Someone who knows they have to put themselves forward—to be rejected, judged, and criticized—if they are to achieve their goals. Someone who is excited at the prospect of achieving their ambitions—and secretly a little scared inside.

Someone like you.

This book contains the most effective ideas and techniques I’ve used in my own life, as well as with hundreds of clients, to help you overcome rejection and criticism and achieve something amazing with your life.

Some of the advice in this book has been informed by scientific research, or other people’s thinking, but none of it is based on theory. These ideas have been road-tested in my own experience and that of my clients—real solutions for the real challenges you face.

So that’s my part of the bargain—I’ve collected my best advice on handling rejection and criticism en route to success. Your part of the bargain—should you accept it—is to take these ideas and experiment with them, trying new approaches to the challenges you face, to see if they get you closer to your goals.

Do we have a deal?

Resilience

1. The guardians at the gate

On a mountainside high above the ancient Japanese city of Kyoto stands the Zen temple of Kiyomizu-dera. Founded in AD 772, the huge temple is built entirely of wood, without a single nail.

You approach the main entrance along an avenue of shops selling fans, ceramics, kimonos, and other souvenirs. Near the gate is a fountain for visitors to purify themselves by washing their hands. Water gushes from the jaws of a little metal dragon.

Stone steps rise to an impressive gatehouse, its timbers painted brilliant orange, the roof’s lip lifted to show its frilled underside, like a mushroom cap displaying its gills. Staring at the splendor of the temple, it would be easy to walk right up to the gateway without noticing the two guardians who have been watching your approach.

But look either side of the entrance and you will see a green wooden lattice concealing a chamber within, like a sentry booth. Peer through the lattice and you meet the gaze of a demon.

These two statues are called
Nio
, and are traditional guardians of the Buddha. On the left stands Misshaku Kongou Rikishi, mouthing the syllable ‘ah’ (equivalent to the Western ‘alpha’ meaning birth); on the right stands Naraen Kengoou, making the sound ‘un’ (‘omega’ meaning death). The gate is open, but to enter the temple you have to walk between them.

According to Zen priest Steve Hagen, the Nio represent Paradox and Confusion, which all spiritual seekers have to overcome in their quest for Truth. The mythographer Joseph Campbell described them as Guardians of the Threshold to Adventure—archetypal spirits who rise up to threaten the hero as soon as he or she dares to step outside her comfort zone and accept the challenge of the quest.

When you set out to achieve something remarkable with your life, your way ahead may look clear and straightforward.

As you first dare to dream, you feel the thrill of adventure. Picturing your goal, you see yourself achieving something original, meaningful, inspiring, fulfilling. You see all the rewards within your reach, and the benefits you will bring to others.

All this is as it should be.

If you’re not fired up to achieve your ambitions, you probably haven’t found your true calling yet. But this initial excitement is usually followed by a more sober realization. Looking ahead, you start to think of all the obstacles that lie in your way. And the thought occurs to you that before you can realize your ambitions, you’ll need to confront two guardians as powerful as the Nio—the twin specters of Rejection and Criticism.

Now logically, neither of these specters can hurt you—they are no more life-threatening than a couple of painted statues. But when you stand naked before them, and feel their eyes piercing your very soul, giving you a foretaste of the pain, humiliation, and despair that rejection and criticism can inflict, then you’ll understand why so many have turned back, and abandoned their dreams rather than endure their pitiless gaze.

But those who run away when faced with rejection and criticism do so because they have failed to grasp an important secret about Threshold Guardians. Baleful as they look, their purpose is not to destroy their hero—but to test you, to see if you are ready for the adventure.

Joseph Campbell points out that some Nio statues are carved with one hand held up as a warning, telling you to stop—but the other hand is actually beckoning you forward.
The Guardian’s job is to frighten away the immature and unready, but to allow safe passage to the hero with sufficient courage to look them in the eye and keep moving forward
.

If you’re serious about facing down rejection and criticism in order to succeed in your chosen path, if you’re eager to step over the threshold, this book will show you how.

Notes:

Steve Hagen,
Buddhism Is Not What You Think
, (HarperOne, 2003)

Joseph Campbell, “The Power of Myth,” (PBS television interview, 1988)

2. The bigger the dream, the bigger the fear

The day I received my provisional license to practice as a therapist, I felt like I’d received my provisional license to pilot the Space Shuttle. My journey had taken me so far beyond my wildest expectations I felt like I was in orbit.

After the practical exam, I floated back to London’s Paddington Station on a current of euphoria. Everything was very clear and sharp—the faces of people, newspapers blowing past, adverts for the shows playing in the city on that particular day.

When I got on the train I couldn’t contain my excitement. I got up and walked up and down the carriages several times. I felt the energy of the train rushing through the dark countryside, the energy of the stars hurtling through space.

…

The day I saw my first therapy client was a very different matter.

I found myself in a small consulting room in a health club. There were no windows and it was dark outside anyway. From the other side of the wall, I heard huge crashes and thuds from an aerobics class, presumably for ogres or giant robots. Not exactly ideal conditions for a relaxing hypnotherapy session.

My mouth was dry. I took another sip of water. I was sure I could hear my heart pounding.

The receptionist rang to tell me my client had arrived. Which meant the client was now
between me and the exit
. There was no way out.

What on earth had I done? How could I have been so naive as to think I could do this? All the books I’d read were no help to me now. I was a complete beginner. Why hadn’t I waited and trained a bit longer?

But deep down, I knew this was what I wanted. And the fear was just the price. There was no way out, so I might as well face up to it.

I took a deep breath, stepped into the corridor and smiled.

…

It’s no coincidence that those were two of the most intense emotional experiences of my professional life. Looking back, it’s obvious that one was simply the flipside of the other—the natural consequence of a principle I’ve repeated to countless clients over the years.

The bigger the dream, the bigger the fear

When you dream a big dream, it will enchant you and sparkle with anticipation. New vistas will open up before you. Promises will beckon you forward.

But—as we’ve seen, when you first met the gaze of the Threshold Guardians—once the initial rush of excitement has passed, you start to think of all the things that could go horribly wrong. And the fear kicks in.

At this point the Guardian’s job is to sift the wheat from the chaff by putting on its most terrifying mask, so that you do one of two things:

1. Run away, with the fear in hot pursuit.
   
2. Hold your nerve, embrace the fear, and step forward.
   

Now, the immature and unready want to have the good things without facing up to the fear. They want to order success like a pizza, or download it like a movie—instantly and easily. But success isn’t like that.

The bigger the dream, the bigger the fear.

This explains why some people put themselves through unspeakable, terrifying (and unnecessary) ordeals, since they know the flipside of this kind of fear is joy:

• The Ironman Triathlon
  —a 2.4-mile swim, followed by a 112-mile bike ride, followed by a marathon 26.2-mile run (with no breaks).
  
• Wingsuit base jumping
  —zooming down a mountainside at over 100mph, inches from the rock face, wearing a flying-squirrel-type suit with wings between the arms and legs. (I’m not joking—put ‘wingsuit base jumping’ into YouTube and see for yourself.)
  
• Thirty-man kumite
  —a karate test where one fighter takes on 30 fresh opponents, one after the other, in quick succession.
  
• Kaihougyou
  —a 1,000-day, 40,000-km running challenge undertaken by the ‘marathon monks’ of Mount Hiei in Japan. Starting in the first year by running 18.5 miles per day for 100 days, the test peaks in the seventh year, with 100 days of 52.5 miles per day.
  

Even if you have no ambition to be a daredevil, you’ve probably noticed that the most thrilling experiences in life are usually pretty scary:

• starting a business
  
• getting married
  
• having children
  
• performing on stage
  
• competing in a tournament
  
• writing a book
  

So how can we handle the fear?

To conquer fear, accept the fear

Mother Nature provided us with fear, so let’s give her the benefit of the doubt, assume she knew what she was doing, and work with what she gave us.

It’s fine to put on a brave face in public, but don’t kid yourself. When you set yourself a big challenge, you should
expect
the fear to rise up before you. You should look out for it and even welcome it—because if you don’t experience much fear, it’s not much of a dream.

Paradoxically, the fear is less intense if you don’t resist it. Because you know it’s normal, you don’t panic. As
John Eaton
likes to point out, the message of fear is
not
to run away and hide, but to be alert, to face your challenge, and deal with the obstacles you face. When you do that, the fear subsides as naturally as it arose—and your dream is still beckoning you forward.

Your next steps:

1. Think about a big dream you have, or a big challenge you’re facing. Picture yourself committing to making it happen. Visualize it as realistically as you can, and tell yourself you’re really going to do it… then wait for the fear.

2. When you start to feel the fear in your body, don’t resist it or try to ignore it! Stay centered and alert, and observe exactly where in your body you experience the fear. Breathe into it, and allow yourself to experience the fear, realizing there’s no need to panic.

3. Notice what thoughts are going through your mind. If you catch yourself running a ‘mental disaster movie,’ switch it off! Imagine taking the disc out of the DVD player and snapping it in two.

Now load a ‘mental rehearsal movie’—in which you see yourself dealing effectively with the challenge, surviving and succeeding in your goal.

4. Stay with the fear until you feel it start to subside naturally.

5. Do something concrete that will take you one step closer to your goal. Even if it’s a small action, notice how it reduces the fear.

Notes:

For insights into the ‘endurance mindset’ of leaders and endurance athletes, visit Jarie Bolander’s site
http://www.enduranceleader.com

For more on Kaihougyou, read
The Marathon Monks of Mount Hiei
by John Stevens (Shambhala, 1988).

For an inspiring story of courage in the karate dojo, read
Waking Dragons
(Summersdale Publishers, 2006), Goran Powell’s account of completing the thirty man kumite, fighting thirty opponents one after the other.

For more on how to handle fear and other troublesome emotions, see John Eaton’s blog:
http://www.reversethinking.co.uk

3. Why do rejection and criticism hurt so much?

“Just don’t take it so personally.”

“Why are you so down? It’s not a matter of life or death.”

“It’s not like it’s the end of the world.”

“Sticks and stones…”

If anyone has ever said any of these words to you in the wake of a brutal rejection or stinging criticism, you’ll know how stupid and feeble they sound—however gently spoken, and however well-meaning the speaker.

When you’re hit by rejection or criticism, it shakes you to the core. It feels impossible
not
to take it personally. Logically, it may not be a matter of life and death, or the end of the world, but it sure as hell feels like it. And words most certainly can hurt. Paper dragons breathe real fire.