Marta's Legacy Collection (93 page)

50

Dawn gulped down sobs as she headed home from her prenatal appointment. The doctor had put her through a battery of tests over the last two weeks and insisted that she see a specialist besides. He gave her the results this morning. “We have a problem. . . .” She had sat stunned and silent as he talked in quiet, grim tones, hands folded on his desk. “I advise you not to wait, Dawn. I know it’s going to be difficult for you, especially with your history, but the alternative is—”

“You don’t need to say any more!” Dawn had stood abruptly, slinging her bag over her shoulder with shaking hands.

“Please sit down, Mrs. Steward. We need to discuss this. The longer you wait, the more—”

“I understand everything you’ve said, Doctor. I was a nurse.” And she wouldn’t do it! She’d rather die than do it.

She yanked the door open and walked out.

Two other pregnant mothers sat in the waiting room. Dawn managed to get out the door before the tears came. She sat in her car until she thought she had regained enough control to drive home. Now she couldn’t even see the road. Swiping tears away, she pulled onto the shoulder, jammed on her parking brake, and put on her emergency lights. Gripping the wheel, she screamed. “Why, Lord? Why?
I don’t understand
!
”

Cars flew past. Sobbing, Dawn ran her hands over the slight bulge in her belly. A police officer tapped on her window. She hadn’t even noticed the cruiser pull in behind her. She let her window down and fumbled through her shoulder bag for her license. She found the car registration in the glove compartment. He glanced at them and handed them back. Leaning down, he looked at her. “Anything wrong, ma’am?”

“I’ve just had some very bad news.” She gulped down sobs. “I’m sorry. I just thought it’d be safer for everyone if I sat here for a little while. Is that okay?” She wiped her cheeks.

“I noticed the Fort Dix base sticker on your car.”

“My husband’s in Iraq.”

“Sit until you’re ready, ma’am.” The officer walked back to his cruiser. She glanced in the rearview mirror. He talked into his radio. She thought he’d drive away, but he didn’t. Regaining some control over her emotions, Dawn took the brake off, put on her blinker, and pulled out onto the highway again. The police cruiser pulled out right behind her. He stayed with her all the way to off-base housing, gave her a salute, and kept going.

Dawn raised her hand in thanks.
God puts angels all around us. Some in uniform.

Dumping her keys on the coffee table, Dawn sank onto the couch. She felt her baby move and ran her hand over her abdomen. “What am I going to tell your daddy, sweetie?” She hadn’t mentioned the tests to Jason. Why worry him? He needed to keep his mind on what was happening around him, not on her and the baby. Now, she didn’t dare tell him.

Lord, help me. Please help me.

Someone knocked on the door. Dawn didn’t answer. They knocked again. She waited before going to the front door. Peering through the peephole, she watched LaShaye walk down the path to the sidewalk where Maura stood waiting. They both talked for a few minutes, then went their separate ways.

Dawn went into the bathroom, turned on the shower, and undressed while she waited for the water to get warm. Stepping in, she closed the glass door and let the water rain down on her.

Lord, You breathed out the universe. You made the stars in the heavens, the earth, everything. Nothing is too difficult for You! You made me Your vessel. Your Holy Spirit lives within me. You opened my womb so I could carry this child. You showed her to me. I saw my daughter on the beach, dancing, flapping her arms like a little bird. She is strong. She is full of the life You gave her. Oh, God, You are merciful! Please. Be merciful.

She didn’t stop praying or get out of the shower until the warm water gave out.

Dawn fixed a square meal and sat alone in the dining room. She needed to eat, whether she felt like it or not. She and the baby needed nourishment. The telephone rang.

I’m not ready to talk, Lord, not to anyone but You.

The answering machine picked up. “It’s Granny, sweetheart. Just thinking about you and wanted to talk. You said something about joining the choir. You’re probably at church. Call back when you have a minute. I love you.”

Church. She’d forgotten about the choir. Those sweet old ladies would take one look at her and want to know what was wrong. They’d have all kinds of wisdom to share.

She’d already made her decision. No matter what the doctor said, she would have this baby. She’d face everything else later.

She had to e-mail Jason. If a day passed and she didn’t, he would wonder why. He always checked dates. Did he look at the times, too? It was getting late. She put her dish and utensils in the dishwasher, then went to the computer.

What was she going to say to him? She didn’t like keeping secrets from her husband, but she couldn’t write about what she’d been told today.

Hands resting on the keyboard, she tried to think. She double-clicked the e-mail icon; nothing from Jason today, but several others, including one from her brother. Christopher wrote like he talked. He was taking classes part-time toward a master’s degree. He had a job at a trendy, expensive restaurant.

Hardest part of the job is warding off advances from cougars. Even when I turn them down, they leave nice tips. I’ll have enough saved to go to London this summer.

Leaning on her elbows, Dawn rubbed her temples.

I will trust in You, Lord, no matter what happens. I believe the dream You gave me on the airplane about our little girl. I believe, Father! Oh, God, help my unbelief.

Dawn clicked
New Mail
and typed
Ja
and Jason’s address filled the send-to line. Subject?
How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
Words flowed out of her as she recounted the first time she’d seen Jason in the high school corridor, then being dragged by Christopher to CCC VBS and working with Jason. His faith and dedication to God had awed her. She had felt blessed every time he told her he loved her. When they broke up, she set her heart and mind upon becoming like the wife in Proverbs 31, a woman of character, substance, faith, and purpose—for God and for whomever He might have in store for her, never dreaming He would give the two of them a second chance. She reminisced about their wedding day and the intense joy he’d given her on their wedding night and every time he’d made love to her since.

I just miss you so much, Jason. I wish I could curl up with your arms around me. I wish . . .

Weeping, Dawn got up without sending the message. She puttered, fluffing pillows, wandering through the house, trying to step back, trying to think more clearly and not allow her emotions to rule. After an hour, she went back and reread what she had written. He would know something was wrong. She deleted everything and started again.

I saw the doctor again today. Our daughter is strong and healthy. I can feel her moving inside me right now as I write this note. Maybe she’s waving hello to her daddy. Your wife and daughter have both had a big day today. I’m exhausted. I’m going to make this short and head for bed.

I love you so much, Jason. I pray constantly that God will command angels to guard you. Remember Elisha and how he opened Gehazi’s eyes so he could see the fiery chariots all around? The Lord is with you. He hears our prayers. I’ll love you forever, Jason.

Always yours,

Dawn

Dawn dreamed about Granny and Mom. They argued over something, but Dawn couldn’t hear what. They turned their backs to one another, both weeping. Dawn wanted to call out to them, but she’d lost her voice.

She awakened as the sun came in the window. It had snowed the night before, and everything lay beneath a cover of white. She sat at the dining room table, where she could see everything, and opened her Bible. She couldn’t get Granny and Mom out of her mind. She felt an intense longing for both of them. She wasn’t Moses, but wouldn’t it be nice to have her mother holding up one arm and Granny holding up the other as Dawn beseeched God for victory in the battle she now faced? But another picture came to mind. Granny pulling one way and Mom the other.

2004

Dawn had made excuses not to fly home for the holidays. Just before Thanksgiving, she’d passed the six-month mark in her pregnancy and breathed easier. The baby had an excellent chance of survival now, even if she should come early. But Dawn still prayed every day for a full-term, healthy delivery for their daughter.

Mom had said she’d fly to Newark when Dawn got closer to delivery. And then, just as she always did, Dawn had said it would be nice to have Granny come, too.

Why did she have to choose between them?

As Christmas came and went, she found herself wishing she were at home. Now, January rolled around. She’d have a birthday soon.
What do I do, Lord?
Dawn covered her face.
Lord, I want to go home!

She couldn’t fly now. It was too risky to fly at seven and a half months. She could drive. Four thousand miles alone, in winter? Jason would have a fit!

Jason didn’t have to know.

Dawn shrugged into her heavy parka and went out for a walk. It was midmorning. Blank spaces on the street showed where cars had been during the snowfall last night. Everyone had gone to work by now. Maura worked at a co-op preschool. LaShaye never stepped outside her door.
Okay, Lord, if I’m supposed to drive home to California, Maura and LaShaye will be home and both will want to talk with me.

She’d just passed LaShaye’s when the front door opened. “Dawn! Wait a minute!” LaShaye hurried down the path to the sidewalk. “You look awful. Is Jason all right?”

“He’s fine.”

She took Dawn by the arm. “Come inside out of the cold. I’ll fix some tea. Tell me what’s going on.” The phone was ringing when they walked in. Maura wanted to come over.

An hour later, they all sat crying in LaShaye’s kitchen. LaShaye gripped Dawn’s arm. “What are you going to do?”

“I’m going home to California. I want to be with my family. I’m going to need Mom and Granny’s help. The hard part is going to be getting them to work things out between them so they can.”

Maura held out her hands. “What can we do?”

Dawn took hold. “I have to call the landlord, then call the base to store our furniture. Or sell some of it. I don’t know which.”

“If you’re driving across the country, you should have your car serviced,” LaShaye said. “Rory can do that for you.”

Between the three of them, they worked out the details. Dawn held out her hands. Maura and LaShaye each took one. “It’s been a pleasure, ladies.” She blinked back tears. “I didn’t have as long as I wanted with you.”

LaShaye squeezed tight. “Maybe we ought to pray.”

Dawn thanked God for these friends. “Yes. Please.” She felt a quiver of apprehension at the journey ahead of her. “And don’t stop.”

Dawn made all her calls the next morning. She didn’t think the landlord would return the security deposit, but when he heard the reasons, he brought the check over that afternoon. She bought a new laptop so she could continue e-mailing Jason every day on the long drive home. She studied routes on MapQuest. She decided against the straight route across the country. She didn’t want to go through Colorado and deal with heavy snows. Better to go south.