Masquerade (10 page)

When she pulled away,
Beth felt drained. All the emotion, all the love and the hate of the past
seeped away, leaving only a numbness that, even married to Steven, she
hadn’t
felt.

She sank onto the couch and
laid her head in her hands, wondering how she was going to find normal after
this.

She felt Tony squat in
front of her. “I deserve everything you said and so much more.
I’m
sorry. I should never have done what I did to you.”

“Why did you?”

He settled back onto the
coffee table and leaned into his hands, running them through his hair. When he
looked up, she saw the despair in his eyes and tried, unsuccessfully, to steel
a heart already opening to him again.

“It started with Marci.”

“Wrong,” she said. “It
ended with Marci.” The girl had tormented her throughout high school. The
taunts, innuendo, and whispered half-truths, mostly about Tony, could still affect
her. She glared at him. “You know she told me on a regular basis that you two
were an item, right?
In explicit detail.
Made it kind of hard to disbelieve.”

Tony looked surprised at
that. “No, I didn’t.” He also looked unconvinced. When Beth tried to give him some
of those details, he held up his hand. “I don’t deny the possibility,
especially after what happened. Just, please, you had your turn. Let me finish.”

Afraid that Tony was about
to validate Marci’s myths, Beth wanted to cover her ears and run screaming from
the room. She was due some answers, though.
And
it was
high time she got them.
So
she nodded, giving him
permission to continue.

“She and I did have
something once.” He said the words in a rush, as if speed would dull the pain
of the knife
he’d
sunk in her back. “It wasn’t some
ongoing thing, though.” Tony got up and walked to the window, leaning against
the wall as he stared outside. “You and I, we were dancing all around our
attraction for each other. I see that now. Then, though, it seemed like you
didn’t really like me, at least not that way.”

He turned to her, his
hands back in his pockets. “I wish I’d flat out asked you. It would have saved
us both a world of hurt.” He sighed. “But I didn’t. I
didn’t
tell you I loved you. I
didn’t
get up enough courage
to ask you to the prom. I
didn’t
do a damn thing. And
the night of the prom, when I saw you there...”

Beth nodded. “I didn’t
want to go with anyone but you, but you didn’t ask. So I went stag.”

“I didn’t know that. You
were standing near enough to Matt that, when Marci told me you were his date,
it was easy to believe.” His harsh laugh acknowledged the mistake.

“I left then. Marci knew
how to get a hold of some whiskey, and she and I got stinking drunk. Well, I
got drunk. In retrospect, I think she was filling my glass much more often than
hers.”

His lips were tight lines
as he reflected on the past. Beth knew she
didn’t
want
to hear what came next. “I lost the virginity I was saving for you that night,”
Tony said.

Even prepared, she
cringed. “I—I don’t want to hear this, Tony.” She stood. “I don’t
need
to hear this.”

She tried to leave, but
he stopped her, pulled her around to face him. “Please. You need to know what
happened.”

No.
She started to pull away, but knew he was right.
“Fine.
Just finish already.” She sat down again and hugged
herself.

“’kay.
Fast forward to graduation.
You were so beautiful, and
so happy with all
we’d
accomplished. I couldn’t take
the chance of losing you, so I asked you out as soon as we walked away with our
diplomas.”

Beth tried to smile. “I
remember.”

“And I made it clear this
was a date. I
was done
waiting. That night—”

He stopped talking until
she looked up at him.

“I know it sounds cliché,
but that was the best night of my life.
And
the worst.
When I got home, Marci was on the porch step waiting for me. She told me she
was pregnant.”

Beth saw it coming, but
it still managed to punch her in the gut. She poured every bit of strength she
had into keeping her posture from crumbling. The pain cut through her like a
doctor’s quiet words of miscarriage. Even now, she could feel the rip in her
heart that would never quite heal. Beth shook her head. “And you believed Marci
when she told you she was pregnant?”

He shrugged. “I had no
reason not to. She said I had to marry her or
she’d
get an abortion. I
couldn’t
let that happen, Beth. It
would have killed me. So we got engaged.”

Tears were now streaming
down Beth’s face. Tears for the pregnancy that
wasn’t
,
and for the one that was.

“But Beth, it’s the
biggest mistake I ever made. I know that now. I came to see you that next day.”

“I’d already heard the
news.”

“I know. Your parents
wouldn’t let me in.”

“At my
request.
I left town within the week. No way was I going to stay in
Chicago
and watch you and
Marci be some happy little family.”

“Trust me. We were
anything but happy. After the marriage, she didn’t even try to fake a
miscarriage.”

Beth flinched.

“She waited four months
to tell me she’d never been pregnant. Things deteriorated from there, even
though I tried.”

Tony sat down next to her
and grabbed both her hands. “I believe in marriage, Beth. I said the words,
made the commitment. I had to at least try.”

Beth stared at their
hands. Hands that
should have been together all this time,
torn
apart by a lie. “I know,” she whispered.

“It took two years for
her to leave me.”

Beth’s head came up. “She
left you?”

“Yeah.
Ran off with the attorney who filed divorce papers on her
behalf.”
Tony shrugged. “By then, I was more than happy to sign the
papers. Your parents had moved. I wrote to them but never heard back.
I’ve
searched for you, Beth. I tried to find you, but
you’re
quite good at disappearing. Every single fucking lead
dried up.”

She gulped. “I had to get
out of
Chicago
.
I
couldn’t
stand it here anymore. So I chose small
town life.”

“Why is your last name
different now?”

“I told you. I moved on.
I got married.”

He frowned.
“When?”

“It doesn’t matter.” This
was territory she
didn’t
want to get into.

“It does to me.”

“Tough. It took a long
time for me to get some answers. Why
don’t
you ask me
in another few years? Maybe then I’ll tell you.”

She looked away, but he
tipped her chin back, so she had to look him in the eye.
“When
did you get married, Beth?”

She tightened her lips,
trying to decide the best way to answer.
“Fine.
You
want to know when I got
married?
I got married four
months after I left
Chicago
.”

His face went from
puzzled to hurt to an anger that she knew well. “Doesn’t feel too good to know
that, does it?”

He pushed back from the
couch and stood. “Nice. As full of pain as you said you were, you sure got a
handle on it quick.” He dragged a hand through his hair. “Fuck. You
didn’t
even wait until my memory was cold. I bet you were in
some other guy’s pants before summer was even over.”

Beth found her mojo again,
and it overflowed with anger. She stood toe to toe and jabbed Tony in the
chest. “You’re pissed at me? You
don’t
have any right
to be angry with me. You gave that up when you married Marci and left me alone
and pregnant.”

She froze as the words
slipped out.

So did Tony. He opened
his mouth, closed it, and then opened it again. Still, no words came out for
several long moments.

“You got pregnant?”

“Yes.”

“You didn’t think I’d
want to know that?”

She glared at him. “You
already had a baby on the way, remember?”

“It wasn’t real. This,”
he pointed to her, then back at himself, “is. Man, I
really
fucked
things up. Managed to marry the one who wasn’t pregnant and left the one who
was, the one I loved, to fend for
herself
.” He stomped
away from her, pacing furiously around to the back of the couch.

Beth knew the minute the
realization hit him. He froze and looked as if he was about to jump over the
couch to her.

“I lost the baby.”

Chapter
Ten

Beth’s pain over the loss
of her unborn child hit her all over again, only this time it doubled in
intensity as she watched the anguish in Anthony’s eyes. The tears that welled
there matched her own.

All the love, wonder, and
sorrow that she had weeks, months, and years to come to terms with crossed his
face in seconds. He turned away, his shoulders heaving with the strength of raw
emotions she knew well.

When he turned back around
there were tears in his eyes and down his cheeks. Beth held out her arms, and Tony
stepped into them, hugging her so
tight
it was hard to
breathe. His back rose and fell in shudders as he tried to cope. The only help
Beth could offer was her shoulder, and she held on with every ounce of strength
she had. They stood there for a long time with only the ticking of a nearby
clock counting out the beats of their shared grief.

When Tony lifted his
head, Beth loosened her grip. “I’m so sorry.”

Tony grabbed her
shoulders. “You have nothing to be sorry for.
I’m
the
one who should apologize. I deserted you, left you to deal with this all by
yourself. I’m
more sorry
than I can ever convey, Beth.”
Raking his hands through his hair, he swore. “Shit. I don’t even know how to
begin to make it up to you.”

He meant it. Beth could
see it in his eyes.
In the fierceness of his gaze.
She
felt the ton of bricks that had weighted her heart down all these years lift
with that simple apology. Beth knew that now she could finally let go of all
the hurt.

“I know you are,” she
said.

“I thought I was doing
what was best. I was so wrong.”

She touched a finger to
his lips. “It’s done. Let’s try to put it behind us.”

Tony, apparently,
wasn’t
ready. He had more questions than answers. “Is that
why you got married?”

Beth nodded. “Steve
worked in the dental lab I trained in. He was very sweet to me. I think he knew
I was—” She cocked her head. “Well, heartbroken. Anyhow, he was very tender.”

****

Tony felt the green
tension winding up inside him and he sank to the couch. “I guess I’m glad you
had a shoulder to cry on.” His gut collided with the green, and a bubbling
fissure started to rise to his throat over the words. He
wasn’t
glad.
Not at all.
Beth was his.

Sitting beside him, she
continued. “You need to understand. Steve was tender at the beginning. He even
offered to marry me knowing I was pregnant with someone else’s child.”

By now, Tony was grinding
his teeth to stop the bile that clawed its way to his mouth. He had no right to
say
anything
, but God, it hurt to
hear that Beth loved someone else.

“I didn’t love him, but I
liked him.
And
I needed help. Right after the wedding,
though, the gloves came off.”

Hands fisted and ready
for battle, Tony jumped up from the couch. “Did he hurt you?
I’ll
kill him if he did. I’ll fucking kill him.”

“No, no,” Beth said,
settling a hand on his shoulder.
“At least, not physically.”

Patience
wasn’t
his strong suit, but Tony screwed the lid down on his
anger, steeling himself to hear the rest of the story. “What happened?”

“Like I said, he changed
after our wedding. Grew distant, disapproving. I’ve tried to figure out why,
but in the end, all I could come up with is that Steve was all about the show
and very little about the substance.” She looked at him. “Does that make any
sense?”

“Yeah, I think it does.”

“Well, after the
miscarriage, he grew even more distant.
And
angry,
although he was careful never to direct that at me. It took me a long time to
figure out why. Then one day, I was sorting through boxes of old paperwork and
medical bills, planning to shred them. I came across a medical report of his. Turns
out, he was sterile.” She grabbed Tony’s hand. “I think that’s why he wooed me.
For the baby.
I think it would make him look complete
in the eyes of the world. When I lost the baby, I’d lost whatever importance I
held in his eyes.”

Beth took a deep breath
and Tony could see the toll re-hashing this story was taking on her. When she
opened her mouth to say more, he put a finger to her lips,
momentarily
sidelined by their softness. “You don’t have to tell me anymore.”

Pulling away, she shook
her head. “No. Now that
I’ve
started, I want to
finish.
There’s
not much left. Our marriage became,
like yours, something of a sham. Not overnight. It took about three years. He
began to stay out until all hours, sometimes not coming home until the next
day. I knew he was screwing other women. Hell, half the town knew.”