MASTER LISTS FOR WRITERS: Thesauruses, Plots, Character Traits, Names, and More (11 page)

5. DIALOGUE

Dialogue moves the story forward and reveals a lot about the characters. It’s also one of the ways that funny stories are funny. Even in a less humorous novel or script, witty or entertaining conversation can make a sweet story less reverent, or provide some much-needed relief to grim or tense proceedings. That’s why I began this section with ideas for writing funny dialogue.

All characters have their own way of speaking. Some wouldn’t use bad language if they were on fire, while a few may seem almost unable to speak a sentence without a curse word thrown in. The expressions characters use, how much they talk, and when, will probably depend to some extent on their ages and backgrounds, and may also be affected by their gender.

In real life, all of us have expressions and phrases we use frequently. In your story, a character might use the same expression more than once. If someone in your story is meant to be annoying, you could give him an irritating favorite phrase and let him use it frequently.

In some of these lists, I’ve broken down common parts of conversations. Some of the less usual options might be used ironically by a contemporary character. Although I’ve included profane expressions, you don’t need to make any of your characters talk that way if that’s not your style.

I have also included two lists of words and expressions for stories set in medieval England and Victorian England. While nothing can take the place of reading original sources and getting the rhythms of historical speech in your head, they are a good place to start.

25 WAYS TO WRITE FUNNY DIALOGUE

Of course, witty dialogue is all about the execution, but here are some methods that can get you there. One common way to write funny dialogue is by having characters make fun of one another, but this can get old fast. The readers may even get sick of your characters, or think they are a little mean.

When someone in your story says something funny, avoid having other characters overreact to it. If people in the story are slapping their thighs or laughing until they can’t breathe at something mildly amusing, the reader may get annoyed. Just remember, a lot of humor grows out of the unique perceptions and points of view of each character.

1. A character is over-dramatic about a situation—or at least, it seems that way to other characters. For instance, he is furious that another player did something shady in his role-playing game, or she is despondent that the jade green dress she ordered is actually emerald green.
   
2. Someone uses an outlandish or incorrect metaphor, comparing a person, object, or situation to something unexpected.
   
3. A character is inappropriately candid. (This isn’t funny if the character ridicules a vulnerable person.)
   
4. To a long-winded, convoluted question, someone gives a monosyllabic answer.
   
5. A character asks someone else a question or a series of questions. The other person doesn’t answer, and the character answers her own question(s).
   
6. Someone misunderstands a question and gives an unrelated answer.
   

1. A character begins to deliver a clichéd line, but puts an unexpected spin on it.
   
2. Someone calls another person by a clever nickname.
   
3. A character pretends to agree with someone, and then adds a sarcastic comment to show she doesn’t agree at all.
   
4. Someone begins to take offense at something another character says about him—and then admits that it’s actually true.
   
5. A character feigns innocence for comic effect. For instance, she acts shocked about the existence of wrongdoing, or pretends to be dismayed that there’s no Santa.
   
6. Someone proclaims his or his friend’s superiority in an exaggerated or exceptionally creative fashion.
   
7. A character anticipates what someone else wants, or is about to say—but she is way off. “I understand. You want me to kill him.” “What? No!”
   
8. Someone tells a lie or makes a claim that nobody would ever believe.
   
9. A character responds to a surprising proclamation or turn of events in a mild and understated way.
   
10. Someone makes a casual reference to a bizarre event in her past that nobody knows anything about.
    
11. A character does an imitation of another character. It’s either amusingly bad or hilariously spot on.
    
12. Someone uses a word or an idiom wrong, or maybe several of them.
    

1. A character makes a pun or terrible joke, and is very pleased with himself. His being a dork about it is what makes it funny.
   
2. Someone makes a joke at an inappropriate time, and other characters are unamused.
   
3. A character says something that, much to her embarrassment, comes out in a suggestive or a self-incriminating way.
   
4. Someone takes a figure of speech literally, or takes a sarcastic comment in earnest.
   
5. A character asks someone else a question, but is too distracted to pay attention to or even stick around for the answer.
   
6. Someone responds to an extremely negative comment or enraged rant in a positive way.
   
7. A character claims she’s said her last word on the subject, and then has to say some more.
   

WAYS PEOPLE SAY HELLO

Some of these can be combined into one greeting.

“Good morning.”

“Morning.”

“Hi.”

“Hi there!”

“Hiya.”

“Hey.”

“Hey, dude.”

“Hey, man.”

“Hey, girl.”

“Hey, you.”

“Howdy.”

“Nice to see you.”

“It’s been a while.”

“Long time no see.”

“You’re a sight for sore eyes.”

“Look what the cat dragged in.”

“How are you?”

“How are things?”

“How’s it going?”

“How you doing?”

“What’s new?”

“What’s shaking?”

“Yo, what’s up?”

“’Sup?”

“Well, if it isn’t (name of person here.)”

“Greetings.”

“Good evening.”

Additionally, your character could just say the other person’s name, with enthusiasm, like this: “David!” “Shoshanna!”

WAYS PEOPLE SAY GOOD-BYE

Again, some of these can be combined.

“Bye.”

“Bye now.”

“Bye-bye.”

“So long.”

“See you later.”

“Catch you later.”

“Catch you on the flip side.”

“Later.”

“Later, skater.”

“I gotta get going.”

“I better head out.”

“I should be on my way.”

“I’m out of here.”

“Peace.”

“Take it easy.”

“Take care.”

“It was nice seeing you.”

“Nice talking to you.”

“Good to see you.”

“See you around.”

“See ya.”

“Ta ta.”

“Toodles.”

“Ciao.”

“Adios.”

“Call me!”

“Have a nice day.”

“Have a nice night.”

“Good night.”

WAYS PEOPLE SAY YES

These include answers to factual questions, responses to suggestions, and expressions of agreement.

“Uh-huh.”

“Mm-hmm.”

“Yup.”

“Yeppers.”

“Of course.”

“Naturally.”

“Heck, yes.”

“Hell, yeah.”

“Affirmative.”

“Absolutely.”

“Exactly.”

“Indeed.”

“Correct.”

“Precisely.”

“Bingo.”

“You bet.”

“All right.”

“Allrighty.”

“As far as I know.”

“Okay.”

“Okey dokey.”

“Sounds good.”

“I’m down for that.”

“I’m game.”

“I guess it couldn’t hurt.”

“Sure thing.”

“Sure, why not?”

“I believe so.”

“That’s right.”

“I know, right?”

“That makes sense.”

“Damn straight.”

“You can say that again.”

“Amen to that.”

“Preach.”

WAYS PEOPLE SAY NO

“I’m not saying no, but…”

“Excuse me?”

“Hold up.”

“Nope.”

“Nah.”

“Naw.”

“Uh-uh.”

“Nuh-uh.”

“Yeah, no.”

“How about no.”

“Oh God, no.”

“Aw,
hell
, no.”

“Yeah, right.”

“You wish.”

“Get lost.”

“Get out of here.”

“Give me a break.”

“Please.”

“Forget it.”

“Absolutely not.”

“Not hardly.”

“Not even close.”

“Not a chance.”

“Not going to happen.”

“No can do.”

“No way.”

“No way in hell.”

“No fucking way.”

“Not on your life.”

“Not in a million years.”

“You’ve got to be kidding me.”

“Are you out of your mind?”

“Seriously?”

“I wish I could.”

“I don’t think so.”

“Let me think about it.”

“We’ll see.”

WAYS PEOPLE VERBALIZE POSITIVE FEELINGS

“Yesssss.”

“Oh yeah!”

“Oh, my goodness!”

“Nice!”

“Ahhh!”

“Yay!”

“Hooray!”

“Wow!”

“Woot!”

“Wooo!”

“Woo hoo!”

“Yahoo!”

“Yee haw!”

“Yippee!”

“All right!”

“I love it!”

“Great!”

“Cool!”

“How cool is that?”

“Fantastic!”

“Fabulous!”

“Wonderful!”

“Awesome!”

“Amazing!”

“Brilliant!”

“Excellent!”

“Sweet!”

“Hallelujah!”

“That’s what I’m talking about!”

“Magnificent!”

WAYS PEOPLE VERBALIZE NEGATIVE FEELINGS

There are so many colorful ways for people to do this, but here are some of the more standard ones. Some of the “Ways People Say No” work here, too.

“Ugh.”

“Hmmph.”

“Yikes.”

“Wow.”

“Ouch.”

“Grrr.”

“Aww, man.”

“Bummer.”

“Drag.”

“Sheesh.”

“Jeez.”

“Booo.”

“Nooo!”

“Oh, fudge.”

“Oh, shoot.”

“Aw, nuts.”

“Oh, poo.”

“Oh, for heaven’s sake.”

“Oh, for God’s sake.”

“Oh, for fuck’s sake.”

“For Chrissakes.”

“Gah!”

“Rats.”

“Dang it!”

“Crap.”

“This is ridiculous!”

“This is bullshit.”

“Unbelieveable.”

“That sucks!”

“Shoot me now.”

“Damn it!”

“God damn it.”

“Damn it all to hell.”

“What the hell?”

“What the fuck?”

“Shit.”

“Son of a bitch.”

“Fuck this.”

“Alas.”

WAYS PEOPLE PREFACE STATEMENTS AND QUESTIONS

Most of the time, you probably want to keep your lines of dialogue somewhat more streamlined than real-life speech. However, extra phrases like this can sometimes reveal the personality or mood of the character. For instance, a more hesitant character might begin more sentences with phrases like, “I could be wrong, but…” or “This could just be me, but…” A phrase before a statement can also add emphasis or irony: “Oh, and by the way, you’re fired.”

“So get this….”

“Guess what?”

“You know what?”

“You know something?”

“You know…”

“You’ll never believe...”

“Listen.”

“Look.”

“I feel like…”

“I could be wrong, but…”

“Is it just me, or…”

“I’d just like to say…”

“I’ll say this much…”

“The way I see it…”

“As far as I’m concerned…”

“From what I understand…”

“If you ask me…”

“Personally, I think…”

“For what it’s worth…”

“Just so you know…”

“Just as a heads up…”

“FYI…”

“Not to brag, but…”

“Not for nothing, but…”

“Let me make myself clear.”

“Here’s the thing.”

“The thing is…”

“Obviously…”

“I’ve got to tell you…”

“I gotta be honest here…”

“Frankly…”

“Actually…”

“Not gonna lie…”

“Trust me…”

“Believe me…”

“Believe you me…”

“Believe it or not…”

“I swear…”

“With all due respect…”

“No offense, but…”

“Don’t take this the wrong way, but…”

“Just to play devil’s advocate…”

“I’m sorry, but…”

“Forgive me, but…”

“Okay, but…”

“What I want to know is…”

“At the end of the day…”

“I mean…”

“Well…”

“By the way…”

“Before I forget.”

“One more thing.”

WORDS AND EXPRESSIONS FROM MEDIEVAL ENGLAND

Almost all of these are straight out of
The Canterbury Tales
, written in the late 1300s, but some are from various versions of King Arthur stories. Some are still in use today, but aren’t used nearly as often. I’ve indicated the meaning or usage wherever I felt that it might not be clear.

Dialogue in a contemporary story set in medieval times is rarely accurate, because it needs to be comprehensible to modern readers. By using a number of archaic words and expressions consistently and avoiding language with too modern a sound, you can achieve a convincing historical feel.

a right good steed

all matter of mirths (“all kinds of fun”)

anon (“soon” or “in a little while”)

aye

Be he...? (“Is he...?”)

be ware (“beware”)

begone

betwixt

bid (“ask,” “entreat.” Past tense: bade.)

bold of his speech

breast (a man’s or woman’s chest)

bright as any star

by my fay (“by my faith”)

by my troth (“I swear”)

by your leave

certes (“assuredly”)

chérie
(endearment, to a woman: “dear,” “darling”)

choleric (“bad-tempered”)

churlish

come hither

cursed be that day

dally

dalliance (brief sexual relationship)

deem (“consider,” “judge”)

demoiselle (“damsel” is an abbreviated version of this. It means “lady,” and may be used in direct address)

dumb as a tree (“silent”)

ere/ere long (“before”/“before long”)

fain (“pleased,” “willing”)

fair (“attractive,” of a woman; also used in place of “nearly”)

fellow (also “good fellow”; used to address a common man)

fie on thee (used the same way as, “screw you,” “the hell with you”)

fierce as any lion

for Christ’s love (used the same way as, “for God’s sake”)

for the nonce (“for the time being”)

fresh as a rose

full (used to mean “very,” as in “full wise”)

God defend you/God save you (other ways of saying “God bless you”)

God’s teeth (a curse)

God you speed

gone to ground like a fox (“went into hiding”)

grammercy (“thank you”)

grievous (often used to describe news, or a wound)

haply (“perhaps”)

hark (“listen”) 

have some drop of pity

he acquitted himself well (“he did well”)

Ho!/Ho there! (“Hey!”/“Hey you!”)

hold you still (“hold still”)

hold your peace (“be quiet”)

I cannot say (“I don’t know”)

I cry you mercy (“I beg your pardon”)

I marvel that... (“I’m surprised that...”)

I pray you of your courtesy (the same as, “if you would be so kind”)

I say not so (“that’s not what I’m saying”)

imprimis (“first of all”)

in no wise (“in no way”)

in sooth (“to tell the truth”)

in this wise (“in this way”)

Jesú/Jesú Christus
(“Jesus”/”Jesus Christ”)

jolly as a pie (meaning “jolly as a magpie”)

knave (a boy or servant; may also mean a scoundrel)

leech (“doctor”)

leman (female lover or sweetheart)

list (“want,” “like”)

low company (“bad company”)

lusty (“healthy,” “robust”)

mark me well (“listen to me”)

may the Virgin keep thee safe 

merde
(a vulgar curse)

meseems (“it seems to me”)

messires

milady

milord

mine (often used instead of “my” before a noun)

mischance

most like (“most likely”)

must needs (“need(s) to”)

naked as a needle

natheless (“nonetheless”)

naught

nay

never was there such another (storm, knight, etc.)

nigh (“near”; “nearly”)

no more will I (“neither will I”)

of a surety (“definitely”)

on the morrow

overlong (“too long”)

passing (“very”)

perilous

prate (a disparaging way to say “talk”)

pray (“please”)

prithee (an abbreviation of “pray thee;” also means “please”)

privily (“secretly” or “confidentially”)

queint (“vagina”)

red as any fox

sanguine (“cheerful”; can also refer to a ruddy complexion)

sennight (“week”)

simpleton

sirrah (used to address a man or boy of lower rank; an insult)

slay

slut (a woman who doesn’t keep herself clean)

stalwart

succor  (“aid”)

swain (a young male lover)

tarry

thee (“you,” as an object of a verb or preposition)

thou (“you,” as the subject of a verb)

thy (“your”)

treacherous

trow (“think,” “believe”)

trull (“prostitute”)

varlet (a servant, particularly a knight’s page; by mid-1500s, it meant a dishonest man)

touching him (“concerning him”)

wax (“grow,” “become,” as in “it waxes late”)

What cheer?/What cheer do you have? (“How are you?”)

What ho? (“What’s this?”)

What wilt thou say?

whether he will or no (“whether he wants to or not,” “whether he wants it or not”)

whilst 

whosoever

will he or nill he (same as “whether he will or no”)

with full glad heart

witless (“foolish”)

woe

yea

yellow as wax

yeoman (a landowner of a class beneath the gentry; may be used in direct address)

yonder

your wont (“your desire,” or “your tendency”)