Master/slave Relations: Handbook of Theory and Practice (9 page)

4. Processing emotional hurt: When you hurt someone,
they feel pain and show it. When they hurt you, they feel your pain. The question is: how do each of you care for the
other when you've hurt one another? Effectively handling
pain you cause another is an important aspect of maturity
and vital in a stable relationship.

• Do you clam up - indicating that you don't know how
to process the pain you have given your partner?

• Do you go into some form of stylized speech pattern,
indicating immaturity?

Our Family uses the Native American process of "talking
sticks" to work through upsets. Either the Master or slave
may request a session. The hurt party picks up the stick
and talks until he/she is done. The stick then passes
to the other party, who speaks until done. The person
holding the stick may not be interrupted. This goes on
until the issue is resolved. Another Master who uses this
system explained that over the years, in his Family, it got
so that the talking sticks only had to be used when both
Master and slave were emotionally involved with an issue.
Otherwise, the person who was not the aggrieved party
could easily sit quietly while the upset partner expressed
his/her hurt.

5. Independence: Choose someone who has an inner life,
someone on their own journey, someone independent of
you. This person should see you as a partner on his or her
journey.

Personally, I distinguish between wanting and needing
someone. If you need them, you are at the effect of the
relationship - that is, you don't come from choice and you
are unusually vulnerable. If you feel you need your mate,
chances are you're going to run into some problems within
an M/s structure.

6. Passion: Be passionate about something. And choose
someone who has similar passions - similar interests in making memories. You may need to draw on the good
memories during hard times. Choose someone who
makes your life bigger, not smaller. Select a person who
is curious about the world around them.

7. Values: Choose someone with similar values. There
are many "relationship models," some of which are quite
unusual. You should understand something about these
different models as early in the relationship as possible,
and make sure your intended slave has both a similar
understanding and a similar model in mind. At an extremely
broad cut, some relationship models are:

• Open vs. closed sexual relationship (one or both partners can have other casual sexual partners)

• Mongamy vs. polyamory (multible long term partners)

0 Power exchange vs. equal partners

8. Compassion: When you pass a poor person on the street
(perhaps a "street person"), what is your reaction? What
is your potential slave's reaction? Are you repulsed or do
you feel empathy? In an important way, this reaction can
be a proxy measure for a person's openness. (A proxy
measure is an unrelated - but acceptable - question you
can ask that actually answers another question.) You may
find that a person who has trouble expressing compassion
for others less fortunate may have trouble "plugging in"
to YOU. Or, this may be an indicator that you may have
trouble plugging in to your slave. Is your potential mate
willing to listen to you? Truly listen? Do YOU listen? How
do you know you're really listening?

9. Processing/sorting modalities: The best place to find
out more information about this topic is to do an Internet
search on NLP (Neuro-Linguistic Programming). This
is a field unto itself and a course of study that I highly
recommend for a Master. This will bring you very rewarding
personal skills for working with people, whether or not this
includes your slave. Basically, a person tends to process information cognitively, visually, auditorily, tactilely, or
in some combination. For best effect, you will want to
present information to people according to their preferred
processing style. You can get an idea of their style by
listening to their language (I hearwhat you say; I see what
you mean; I know what you mean; I feel your pain; I sense
that...)

As it applies in this book - and this list - you need to be
sure you each understand the other's "sorting" styles.
Equally, if not more importantly: Do you say "I love you"
in a way that your partner can "get it?" (Although I've
already mentioned it, see: Chapman, Gary D. The Five
Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment
to Your Mate. Northfield Publishing; Reissue edition,
1995.)

• Money/gifts: Some men feel that turning their paychecks over to their spouse, or buying gifts, is a demonstration of "I love you" and that they don't have to
say anything.

• Sensory: Some people respond to verbal cues, some
to touch, some to visual cues. Work this out before
you take someone as your slave, or at least be able to
"translate" for them.

• Performing services: Some people translate the
neatness/tidiness of the house as I love you.

• Time and attention: Some people consider that
spending a lot of time with them translates to, I love
you.

• Verbal: Some people respond most strongly to being
told that they are loved.

10. Selective blindness: Learn to overlook certain faults.
Sometimes, little things that initially were attractive/cute
will become annoying over time. I'm not suggesting that you overlook character flaws such as criminal activity or
dishonesty; you can't build a relationship with someone
once serious character flaws are revealed. But, I am
suggesting that in the larger scope of your lives together,
there may be certain annoyances that may be better left
alone.

11. Amicability: Be able to laugh at yourself; have lots of
friends. This usually indicates friendliness, flexibility and
openness. Good attributes in a mate. You will appreciate
these traits in a slave and your slave will appreciate these
traits in you.

Some New-Relationship Distinctions

What ROLE do you want to play in this relationship?

• Boyfriend/girlfriend?

0 Master/Mistress; Dom/Domme; Daddy or Top?

• submissive/boy/boi/girl or slave?

Related to this - are you interested in the ROLE, or in the
PERSON, or both? What if the role doesn't work out? Remember
the story I related a few pages back... I had started an M/s relationship with a woman that didn't work out, so we transformed
it into an Uncle/niece role-play, and it worked just fine. So, are
you flexible?

And, dare I ask: what if you are a switch?? What if you are
BOTH switches? Now what role? Are you going to be Master
some of the time and role-play submissive to your own slave?
Are you firm enough in your Mastery to be willing to wear your
slave's collar?

Have you ever considered playing more than one role at a
time?

In large Households, Master can have a slave with whom he has
sex, a slave only for service, and a puppy for a pet. Then, again, you may keep a boy/boi around who needs nurturing growth. As
you earn respect within the Leather Tribe (the term many Leather
folk use to describe their subculture), you might find that you are
approached to Master one or more people who are seen less frequently than the household slaves. There are so many roles that
one can play within the overall M/s dynamic, that I can't really do
that topic justice. This is a world where you can stretch yourself.
You can be different people to different people. You can express
yourself differently as a function of your different relationships.

Within the M/s structure, what ACTIVITIES are you likely to
pursue?

I know, you want it all. And, that is fine; it's just that you probably
want more of one thing than another. The clearer you can be
about what you want, the more likely you are to be able to find
that mix in a person.

• Vanilla - So, you might want a companion to attend
business functions and family events with you. Does
that mean that you want a slave for whom SM play is a
minor part of the sought-after relationship? Does this
point to a relationship almost devoid of formal protocols?

• Sex - So, you might want someone really good at it
that enjoys it the way you offer it. Does that mean that
you are seeking a slave who has had vast prior sexual
experiences, or does that mean that you want someone without much sexual experience that you can train
from the ground up?

• Service - So, someone with demonstrable service
background is important. You may find that it's hard to
take a doctor or lawyer and expect them to fit the role
of chef and serving wench. On the other hand...

• BDSM Play - So, a masochist would be useful - a
pain slut?

What AUTHORITY SYSTEM is involved?

This is a Master Jack McGeorge question, and I love it.

• What are the grounds for your authority? Did you
declare it, or earn it? What, in your past, demonstrates
that you can exert authority over another? Been a military officer? Been in business management? Made
a lot of money? Been an Eagle Scout? You may find
it easier to move into a Master's position if you exude
demonstrable authority. Failing that, you may have to
spend more time reinventing yourself - learning the
myriad skills described in this book that will result in
your ability to present yourself with authority and confidence.

• How broad is your authority? Do you intend to
control your slave's finances? If so, are you willing to
support your slave financially? Do you control your
slave's access to his/her biological family? Again, this
touches on the question of how much you are willing
to spend to achieve the slave model you seek.

• Do you distinguish between punishment and correction? For example, my slave will only be punished
for a violation of our contract - something extremely
unlikely. On the other hand, I am not above correcting
my slave for a variety of protocol violations.

I write this with an important additional note: As slaves
generally work very hard to please their Masters, I recommend administering correction very sparingly, lest
your slave become overcritical of her/his own actions
and wary of your scrutiny. I also recommend that
you be particularly careful to distinguish between
correcting your slave's behavior, versus correcting your slave as a person. You want to love and
cherish the person, while correcting behavior.

How do you deal with Reactance and Resistance?

Sooner or later, you are going to encounter reactance and resistance from your slave. This is particularly true if you are living
together. You give an order; your slave reacts to the order. This
reaction can take the form of a look of defiance, a little expression of exasperation or disgust, a rolling of eyes, or a direct challenge that questions the order. This tends to be something that
many D/s and M/s couples go through, particularly those who are
living in a 24/7 M/s setting.

Perhaps the most common low-level problem occurs when the
slave reacts with some vanilla-sounding reply such as: "Oh, sure.
I'll go get it." When this happens in my personal relationship
with my slave, I generally react by saying something like: "And
how would that reply be phrased if you were in protocol?" That's
generally enough to get my slave to recognize the lapse and to
restate the sentence as: "Sir, yes Sir! I'll go get it, Sir."

But, stepping up the scale, the time will come when you issue
an order and the slave reacts to it in a way that you feel must be
addressed; that your failure to address the issue will degrade the
nature of the authority-exchange upon which the relationship is
based. In such a case, I recommend you consider what is called
a state change. Here, you stop whatever is going on at the time
and change both your physical position and your slave's physical position. Typically, I put my slave in Full Present position (on
both knees hands locked behind back) and allow the slave time
to reflect and to become more composed. This is a time for the
slave to refocus and discuss the underlying cause of the reactance. A Master with an open mind and open heart will learn a
great deal at this point - often about himself/herself, rather than
about the slave.

Reactance, unaddressed, is likely, at some point, to become
resistance. Resistance occurs when the submissive/slave
resists Master's dominance - sometimes unconsciously. Now, you've got a problem. This is likely to be a substantial signal
that something fundamental is amiss. This requires some careful
probing and questioning. In my experience, when a slave gets
to the point of demonstrating resistance, Master is being inattentive - Master is not hearing/seeing/feeling the slave's signals
for help/relief on some front. Again, my continual theme: you
need outstanding listening skills and an appreciation of the world
through the slave's eyes.

How do you execute the responsibility of your command?

How do you demonstrate your Mastery (walk the talk) with integrity and honor?

This is another Master Jack McGeorge question and it's a window into another dimension - the dimension of personal mastery.
Being a list kind of guy, I'm going to give my flavor of answer with
a number of short topics that are augmented with bulleted notes.
By the way, this presumes that you are living an exemplary values-centered life of honesty and integrity. This list is more about
executing your management responsibilities in an M/s relationship.

Thinking of Yourself as a Business Leader

As Master, you're manager. a You're managing a piece of very
pricey property - a person. That calls for use of some rather
traditional management techniques. One technique involves
keeping your eye on the ball, as it were.

A good manager asks the following questions every three
months:

• What are my objectives for the next 90 days?

0 What are my plans, priorities and hopes?

• How do I go about achieving them?

To avoid drifting through life, you might consider developing short
review sessions every quarter and checking in with your slave.
(Personally, I used to have annual planning meetings with my
first wife. My father always found this astonishing.) Are you both
on the same page? Are you doing what you need to do to reach
your stated goals?