Me and Earl and the Dying Girl (9 page)

One thing I’ve learned about people is that the easiest way to get them to like you is to shut up and let them do the talking. Everyone likes to talk about themselves. It’s not just kids whose lives are good. Take Jared “Crackhead” Krakievich, one of Benson’s scrawniest and least popular students. As far as I know, Jared has never done crack, but he walks around with his arms dangling awkwardly behind the rest of his body kind of like a chicken, his mouth is always hanging at least three-quarters open, and there is usually food in his braces. He smells like pickles and his parents are yinzers. You’d think he wouldn’t want to talk about his life, but you’d be wrong, as I discovered one day on the bus. For example, I learned that his dog can tell when Ben Roethlisberger is about to get sacked, and that he (Jared, not the dog or Ben Roethlisberger) was thinking about learning to play guitar.

If you’re not from Pittsburgh, I should probably explain that “yinzers” are people with heavy Pittsburgh accents. For example, instead of “you” or “y’all,” they say “yinz.” Another feature of
yinzers is that they wear Steelers apparel at all times, including in the workplace and at weddings.

Basically, my point is not that you listen to people to learn anything interesting. You’re doing it to be nice and make them like you, because everyone likes to talk.

But this theory did not apply to Rachel, somehow. I would go to her house determined to get her to do the talking, and then I’d show up and pretty soon I would be talking more than someone who was on crystal meth.

INT. RACHEL’S BEDROOM — DAY

The second or third time that GREG has gone over to RACHEL’S. Both are sitting cross-legged on the floor.

GREG

So. What TV do you like watching?

RACHEL

Whatever’s on, I guess.

GREG

unnerved by the calm blankness of this response

So, like. Nature shows? Reality shows? Just, everything’s fair game?

RACHEL

Yeah, pretty much.

GREG

Not the Food Network though.

Rachel shrugs.

GREG

Here’s my thing with the Food Network: OK, half the time the food looks gross, or weird. It’s covered in weird sauce that looks like semen, or it’s squid in a goat hoof or something. But then, the other half of the time, if it’s something
good
,
and people eat it, and they’re like,
Mmmmm,
this is
delicious
—that’s even worse! Because
you
don’t get to eat it. You’re just watching these people eat something delicious, and you don’t even get to know what it tastes like, and you want to kill yourself. But most of the time the food doesn’t look that good.

RACHEL

diplomatically

Some people think it looks good.

GREG

OK, but then here’s the other thing: It’s always a food
competition
.
Food isn’t a sport. It’s ridiculous for cooks to be competing against each other. Like in
Iron Chef
, it always takes place in Kitchen Stadium. Kitchen
Stadium
? That’s ridiculous. And at the end it’s always like, You have competed honorably. How is it possible to be
dishonorable
? You were making a
stew.

RACHEL

giggling

Hmmmm.

GREG

I mean, if the Food Network can turn
food
into a sport, why draw the line there? You know? “
Iron
Plumber
, tonight at Toilet Arena.”
Or, or, no wait. Wait, forget that one. “Live, from Toilet Center:
Super
Poopers
.”

Four hours later. Greg and Rachel are in EXACTLY THE SAME POSITION.

GREG

. . . I guess my point is just that, it’s weird that we have animals living in our homes. It’s just weird.

RACHEL

I should probably go eat dinner.

GREG

alarmed

Wait, what time is it?

RACHEL

It’s around eight.

GREG

Holy fuck.

In her quiet way, Rachel was actually being sort of brilliant.

1. Rachel was using my own tactics against me.
Props to her. This is some high-concept judo behavior. She orchestrated our conversations so that I did the talking and she did the listening. Sure enough, this made me like spending time with her. I told you this tactic is awesome. Also, she kicked ass at listening. I mean, in her position, I would have gotten really bored or annoyed.
Super Poopers
, Greg? Christ.

2. Rachel was not suggesting that we had to make out or get married.
Even though I had told her that I had been deeply in love with her, she was not trying to make up for lost time. This probably would have caused me to freak out and maybe fake having a serious mental disorder, which is a tactic that I have considered from time to time to get out of situations. If I ever got jumped in the locker room by jocks, for example. On TV, jocks like to harass kids with mental disorders, but in real life, I’ve observed that everyone pretty much just wants to stay away from them. Anyway, I was worried this would become necessary with Rachel, but thank God it did not.

3. By getting me to talk so much, Rachel was eventually going to get me to divulge sensitive information that would ultimately lead to my downfall.
Am I giving too much away? Maybe I’m giving too much away.

INT. RACHEL’S BEDROOM — DAY

GREG’S third or fourth time at RACHEL’S.
Greg has noticed that one of the pictures of HUGH JACKMAN is sort of wall-eyed, and one of the EYES is following him around the room. Rachel has just stopped talking.

GREG

distracted

What?

RACHEL

I wasn’t really saying anything important.

GREG

Sorry, Hugh Jackman’s creepy right eye is following me around your room.

RACHEL

He’s not creepy!

GREG

What were we talking about?

RACHEL

Hebrew school.

GREG

Right. What a waste.

RACHEL

You think?

GREG

I learned nothing. Seriously, I can’t tell you anything about Jews. I
am
a Jew, and I still deserve an F in Jewishness.

RACHEL

I think it’s “Judaism.”

GREG

See, that’s what I’m talking about. I don’t even know what to call it. And I definitely don’t know what Jews believe. Like, do Jews believe in heaven? Are we supposed to believe in that?

RACHEL

I don’t know.

GREG

Yeah. Is there Jewish heaven? What happens when Jews die? You know?

HUGH JACKMAN is glaring at Greg.

GREG

Oh shit.

RACHEL

What?

GREG

hastily

Uh, nothing. Sorry, I’m an idiot.

RACHEL

For what?

GREG

Uh.

about as stupidly as it is possible to say words

The death thing.

RACHEL

Greg. I’m not
dying
.

GREG

lying

Yeah, I know.

RACHEL

narrowing eyes

I’m
sick
, but everyone gets sick. Just because you’re sick doesn’t mean you’re going to die.

GREG

falsely

Yeah yeah yeah yeah, no, yeah.

RACHEL

You think I’m about to die.

GREG

just lying his ass off

No! No-o-o-o-o.

RACHEL

warily

Huh.

INT. RACHEL’S BEDROOM — DAY

GREG’S fourth or fifth time at RACHEL’S. Greg is on the bed with his back to HUGH JACKMAN, although that means he has to face DANIEL CRAIG in a Speedo with a big goofy smile on his face.

DANIEL CRAIG

You can see the outline of my genitals! Isn’t this
great?

RACHEL

giggling

That’s not what Daniel Craig even sounds like.

GREG

I have to warm up. I’m not in Accent Mode.

RACHEL

That sounded like a cowboy accent.

GREG

Yeah, I was using the wrong part of my mouth. Accents are all about using certain parts of your mouth. That’s why foreign people’s faces are sometimes kind of jacked up. Like how Daniel Craig has those weird pouty lips like a woman.

RACHEL

He
does not.

GREG

Look at him! Look how he’s sticking his lips out. Actually he sort of looks like a frog.

launching into autopilot because Rachel is remaining silent/expectant

I just know a lot about accents, even if I can’t do them. I’ve studied them. I mean I’ve seen a lot of films. A cool thing about accents actually is the way they change from like eighty years ago to forty years ago to now, if you watch movies that are older. People’s mouths were just shaped differently back then, I think.

Sometimes I want to walk around doing an American accent from the 1950s, because that in some ways is the weirdest accent there is. You really freak people out that way. When people hear it, they don’t think, 1950s; they think, that guy sounds all weird and rigid and conservative, like an asshole robot, and they don’t know why.

I mean, I had to watch a bunch of films from back then before I realized that people just talked differently.

RACHEL

So you’re really like a movie expert.

GREG

I’m not an expert. I’ve just seen a whole lot of them.

RACHEL

What’s your favorite movie?

INT. THE GAINES TV ROOM — TWO HOURS LATER

On the screen: KLAUS KINSKI. On the couch: RACHEL and GREG. On Greg’s lap: a bowl containing leftover BEEF TIPS that he found in the fridge.

GREG

See how the camera’s moving around, sort of jittery, like it’s handheld? OK. Do you sort of get how it makes the film feel less like fiction and
more like it really happened? You know what I mean?

RACHEL

Yeah, I think so.

GREG

It’s awesome, right? It feels that way because it feels a little like a documentary. Because that’s the camerawork that you have in a documentary, lots of handheld, no huge smooth crane shots like in big action movies.

RACHEL

It feels a little like reality TV.

GREG

Yeah! That too. Well, except the lighting in reality TV is always really unnatural, and here, they really can’t bring a lot of artificial lights into the jungle. Actually, they might not have anything besides reflectors.

RACHEL

What are reflectors?

GREG

gnawing beef

Mmmrflectors urmmff . . . hang on, this scene is awesome.

RACHEL

You should try making some movies.

MOM

from doorway

He does! He just doesn’t let anyone see them.

GREG

MOM WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING

MOM

Oh honey. Did you not offer Rachel anything to eat?

GREG

JESUS MOM

RACHEL

I’m not hungry!

GREG

infuriated

Mom. Jesus Christ. You can’t just spy on us from the doorway. And you def

MOM

I was just
walking past
and I heard Rach

GREG

initely can’t just tell people about, um,

RACHEL

It’s

MOM

Greg, you’re being a little silly abou

GREG

s stuff that you
know
is really priv

AGUIRRE

When I wish for the birds to fall
from the trees, then shall the birds fall from the trees.

MOM

ou work so hard on these movies with Earl and then y

RACHEL

It’s OK, I don’t need to see them.

GREG

See? Did you hear that?

MOM

just keep them to yourselves like you don’t wan

GREG

Did you—
Mom
. Did you hear what Rachel said.

MOM

She’s just being nice. Greg, you have some juice on your chin.

GREG

Will you
please just get out of
here
.

MOM exits, smiling wryly, like she just did something clever and wasn’t in fact a
HORRIBLE MOTHER. Meanwhile, Greg is back to eating beef tips, because when he is stressed out he eats compulsively.

RACHEL

Here, let’s rewind it. I think we missed an important part.

GREG

Yeah, it’s like the best part.

RACHEL

after a lengthy silence

If your movies are secret, I won’t tell anyone. You can trust me.

GREG

frustrated

It’s not that they’re
secret
, it’s just that they’re not good enough for people to see. Once we do a really good one, we’ll let people see it.

RACHEL

That makes sense.

GREG

What?

RACHEL

I understand.

GREG

Oh.

They look into each other’s eyes.

If this were a touching romantic story, in this moment some STRANGE NEW FEELING would wash over Greg—a sense of being understood, in a basic way that he almost never is understood. Then, Greg and Rachel would make out like lovesick badgers.

However, this is not a touching romantic story. There is no NEW FEELING that washes over Greg. There is no BADGER MAKE-OUT SESSION.

Instead, Greg sort of shifts uncomfortably and breaks eye contact.

RACHEL

Can I get you a napkin or something?

GREG

No no I’ll get it.