Me and My Shadow (17 page)

“You love him.”

“Yes, I do. And he loves me. The loving part isn't the issue.”

“Then what is? Oh!” Her eyes, so much like mine, opened wide with understanding. “You don't like the fact that you love him.”

“What a ridiculous thing to say,” I said scornfully.“Why would I not want to love the man who loves me?”

“Because it means you're not on your own anymore. Because now you're tied to him, bound to him, and nothing will ever be the same. Let's see, you've been living with him for almost two months. . . . Yup. That's about right. The bloom is off the honeymoon, and now you've realized what the relationship is really about.”

I stared at her with surprise. “How on earth do you know these things? You've never had a relationship that lasted more than a few weeks.”

“I've been with Kostya almost as long as you have been with Gabriel,” she pointed out. “Longer if you count the time we spent together while you were trapped in Abaddon.”

“Do I have to remind you that you officially de-boy- friended Kostya today?”

The look she shot me was venomous. “No, you don't. Up to the moment when he dumped me, cruelly and heartlessly, and wholly without cause, just so he could go off and be Mr. Important Wyvern, up to that time we were a very successful couple. So don't tell me I don't know about relationships, because I do. I've had enough of them to learn a thing or two.”

I digested this strange new awareness in Cyrene, and admitted that she had come close to pinpointing my concerns. “I don't regret loving Gabriel. I welcome it, welcome him into my life. What worries me is the fact that
he's
become my life.”

“Dominating, you mean? He didn't strike me like that. Drake, now, he's dominating.”

“No, not dominating.” I thought for a moment, trying to put the feelings into words. “He's everything to me, Cy. Not just the romantic stuff like the moon and stars and all that—I mean that when he's not with me, life seems to be not right, not quite real.”

“And that worries you?” She smiled. “That sounds like true love to me.”

“I told you that the love we share is not the issue. I'm confident in that.”

“So you're worried that because life doesn't have a sparkle when he's not there to share it with you, that you're . . . what? Too dependent on him?”

“No. I know he needs me just as I need him. The problem is . . .” I stopped, not wanting to speak the words aloud.

“What?”

I bit my lower lip.

“Mayling, you're my twin. I love you. I want to help you if I can, and we both know I never get the chance to help you because you're always too busy helping me, instead. But I know men, and I know relationships, and by Neptune's grace, you're going to be helped! Now, tell me what the problem is so I can reassure you that it's not as bad as you think it is, and then I can go take a nice long soak in the tub.”

I laughed at her determined face. “I'm not trying to deny you a moment in the sun, I assure you. It's just that it will sound silly.”

“I'm all over silly,” she said with perfect seriousness. “Spill.”

I looked down at my hands, my fingers their normal strong, capable-looking selves. But I knew differently. I knew how easily they could change into digits tipped with curved, wickedly sharp crimson claws. “What if it's the dragon shard making me feel like this?”

“You think it is?” she asked, giving the thought serious consideration.

“I don't know. But if it is, then it follows that it's the shard that Gabriel is reacting to. He told me once that he had never become involved physically with anything but female dragons. I was his first human. When we make love, he likes me in dragon form, Cy. It's more than like. . . . I think he
prefers
me in dragon form.”

“Well . . . he is a dragon,” she pointed out.

“I know, but . . .” I hesitated, wishing I'd never spoken, but unable to keep from pouring out all my worries. “What if it's the shard he loves? Oh, that sounds so silly—I knew I shouldn't say it. I know he loves me. He loved me before the shard. I
know
that. But . . . oh, never mind. It's too idiotic for words.” I covered my face with my hands to keep myself from shadowing. I just wanted to crawl into a hole and let the world go by without me for a while.

Cyrene surprised me yet again by not making light of my concern. “I think I know what you mean,” she said after a few moments of chewing it over. “You're worried that he loves you more now because of the shard. But does he really love you more?”

“Yes,” I said without having to think about it. I uncovered my face, driven by some urge to make her understand. “When I first met Gabriel, we were . . . well, it was an instant attraction. Part of it was the biological fact that I was his mate, but there was also something that transcended that, a fitting together, if you will. And sexually . . .” I gave her a wry smile.

“I know. You don't burn down a hotel if things aren't good in the sex department,” she said with an answering grin, and then patted my foot again. “I will admit that I was worried about you at first, Mayling. You'd never been with a man, and I worried that you lacked the experience of sharing your life with someone.”

“I share it with you,” I pointed out.

“But we're not lovers, and Gabriel was. Oh, don't puff up and tell me you were on top of it—so to speak—because I could see well enough that you guys were getting on just fine.”

“We were.We did.We still do. But there's a difference—we've settled into a life together. I really know what it's like to have him be a part of me. I know what he's like in the morning, when he's just woken up, and is kind of grumpy until I kiss him. I know what makes him laugh, know what he values, know what makes him angry.”

“That sounds perfectly normal to me,” she said.

“It is. And yet . . . I didn't have this insight into him before the phylactery exploded. Hence my concern about what will happen between us when the shard is decanted into a nonliving phylactery.”

She nodded her understanding.

I gave her a long look. “Not going to tell me I'm being foolish and imagining that Gabriel loves me more now because of the shard, and once the shard is gone, we'll be just fine?”

“No, I'm not.” Her gaze met mine with unflinching honesty. “I'm not because I think it's very possible that what you say is true.”

My heart crumbled.

“Gabriel is a dragon. You bear a piece of a dragon heart inside you. Of course he's going to react to that. It would be impossible for him not to. It would be like me turning my back on a pool of calm water.”

“You could if you had to,” I grumbled, feeling hurt and dejected by the realization that she spoke the truth.

“No, I couldn't.” She took my hand, squeezing my fingers until I looked up. “Mayling, this is hard for you to understand because you're not a water elemental. But water isn't just an interest—it's my life. It rules me; it drives me; the focus of my being is completely on it. When I'm near a stream, I have to see it, have to touch it, have to glory in its beauty and purity. I
am
the stream, May. Do you understand that? It's as much a part of me as my arms and legs and brain are—I'm an extension of it, that's all. Just an extension. And I imagine that's how Gabriel feels about the dragon shard—it's part of the heart that beats in all dragons. It's an integral part of him, just as water is to me. And now, to him, you're part of that equation.”

“So long as I bear the shard,” I said dully.

She looked at me for a moment, then slid off the bed. “I know you've been worried that you're losing yourself to the dragon shard, but has it ever occurred to you that the reverse might be true?”

“Huh?”

She padded over to the door, picking up the towel she'd set on the dresser. “I think the shard is changing you, May. But maybe you're changing it, too. Maybe when it's gone, you won't be who you used to be. Maybe you'll be who you were meant to be. And maybe you'll change the dragon shard to be something more than just a piece of the heart.”

Chapter Eight

I puzzled over Cyrene's bizarre suggestion for some time, until the sky started to flush with rosy light. Cyrene didn't reassure me that Gabriel would love me as much when the shard was gone as he did now, but I realized I valued her honest reply more than any platitudes. I rubbed the small scar on my chest where the shard had entered my body, and stared out at the streaks of red and gold as they lit the horizon, wondering what Gabriel was doing, content, at least, to know he missed me as much as I missed him.

I went downstairs a few hours later, tired from lack of sleep and too much introspection. I thought I was seeing things when Jim ambled toward me from the dining room.

“Heya, Mayling. You look like you were pulled through Abaddon backwards on a porcupine.”

“Jim . . . didn't you lose part of your fur?” I touched the side of its head that had been singed, then slid my fingers lower, to its chest, rubbing a large white spot. “And where did this come from? Is it paint? Dye?”

“Naw, I had Ash send me to Abaddon for a couple of minutes so I could get a new form, one with all the fur on it. You like?” The demon twisted around to examine itself. “The tail's not quite as fluffy, but this form has the white spot, which everyone knows is a babe magnet. Oh, and look! Three white toes! Kinda racy, huh?”

“Very handsome,” I agreed. “I'm . . . er . . . sorry. I didn't realize the lack of fur was bothering you so much. I hope you didn't pester Aisling.”

“Jealous?” it asked with a waggle of its eyebrows.

“Certainly not.”

“Uh-huh. I can tell you're peeved I didn't have you send me to Abaddon, but you can rest easy, sweet cheeks—I had Aisling do it because she was up and trying to avoid the crazy lady, and besides, I wasn't sure you knew how to do it.”

“Crazy lady? Oh, Drake's mother?”

Jim gave a shudder and looked over its shoulder. “She's in there now with Aisling. Drake is refereeing. I'm off for walkies with Suzanne. You wanna come? I'm prairie doggin' a bit, but I promise not to pinch a loaf right in front of you, if you do want to come.”

“How very considerate. I think I'll pass just now, if you don't mind.”

Suzanne, István's girlfriend, who acted as cook to Aisling and Drake's household, emerged from a back room with a leash and a handful of plastic bags.

“Walkings time,” she said in a heavily accented voice. “You will come with us, May?”

“Not this morning, thanks. Jim, I'm sure Aisling already told you this, but in case she didn't—behave.”

Jim rolled its eyes as it marched to the front door, Suzanne in tow. “Why does everyone think they have to tell me that? It's not like I ever
mis
behave. . . .”

Thankfully the door shut on the demon's complaining, although it opened again about two seconds later.

I took one look at the woman walking in, and felt a strange sense of relief. “Kaawa!”

“Wintiki!” Gabriel's mother, a tall, elegant figure in silver and black linen tunic and pants, rushed forward to hug me. She had skin the color of rich milk chocolate, shoulder-length hair that was pulled back into a bun, and a smile that warmed me to my toes. I felt enveloped in comfort, wrapped in a cocoon that whispered to me of the wind and the sky and the creatures that danced in and out of the Dreaming. Kaawa was a shaman, of the earth, but transcending mere mortality to become something more, something wholly unique.

“I'm so happy to see you,” I said, hugging her for all I was worth, grateful that Gabriel had such a wonderful mother.

“You are well, little night bird?” she asked, holding me at arm's length, her gaze stripping away layers of my being to peer straight into my soul. “My Gabriel is making you happy?”

“Deliriously so,” I said, pushing down the worry that seemed to be ever present.

She said nothing for a moment, simply cupping the side of my face with one hand while she continued to pierce through to my very core. “You are happy, yes, but there is a shadow on your heart. All is not well?”

“All is fine,” I reassured her. “I'm just a bit stressed about the dragon shard.”

She nodded, letting her hand drop. “It distresses you. Gabriel said you were worried it was taking over. We will see that it does not.”

“Thank you. Have you met Aisling?”

Her eyes lit with interest as we turned toward the sitting room, her arm around my waist. “No, but I have heard much about her from Gabriel. At one time I thought . . . but that is unimportant.”

I gritted my teeth for a moment at her train of thought, then laughed out loud. She paused to cast me a questioning look.

“Jealousy is never pretty, but it can be funny sometimes,” I said, then continued when she raised her eyebrows. “I know that at one time Gabriel thought seriously about challenging Drake for Aisling. I'm OK with that. Well, not OK, but I understand it.”

“Because you know he would never have been happy with her?” she asked, her head tipped to the side as she watched me.

My smile grew. “More because I know Drake would never have let Gabriel have Aisling. And she would have made his life a living hell if Drake slipped up and let her go.”

She laughed, squeezing my waist as I opened the door. “You are a wise wintiki.”

If I had worried what the volatile Catalina would make of Gabriel's much more down-to-earth mother, I didn't after seeing the two women together. Catalina might treat Aisling with rudeness, more or less ignoring her, but she settled down comfortably enough with Kaawa to discuss common dragon acquaintances.