Me Being Me Is Exactly as Insane as You Being You (16 page)

“It's kind of cool, but it kind of blows, too.”

“Until you find the other person.”

Darren puts his cigarette back in his mouth, but then feels stupid for doing that. “But, so, do other people understand the whole setup? People without marks. On that other planet, I mean? Do they get it?”

Zoey doesn't say anything. Maybe she shrugged her shoulders and he missed it.

Darren obviously has a pretty big urge to push his sleeve up, and Zoey's, too, because then who knows what would happen. But instead he just sits there until the urge passes. Which somehow makes sitting there with her even better.

“So,” he says about a minute later, “that's why you got on the bus?”

Darren is about to repeat his question when she looks at him and says with just about complete seriousness, “Bus? What bus?”

Darren nods his head, wishing it was dark outside and they had a telescope.

2
Knees, the Sides of Which Meet and (Despite the Limited Communication Skills of Most Knees) Somehow Inform Each Other (Along with the Bodies and People Connected to Them) That They Are Now Officially and Definitely Friends, and Maybe Even on Their Way to Becoming More Than Friends, Though Let's Not Get Ahead of Ourselves (We're Only Knees, After All)

1.
 Zoey's right knee

2.
 Darren's left knee

4
Elements That Could Be Front and Center in a Perfect World

1.
 These knees, like this.

2.
 These stairs and their distance from the sidewalk and street, because the sidewalk and street are nice to look at from this height and distance.

3.
 The weather, right now, especially the breeze, which is soft and cool.

4.
 The half-dozen or so mostly invisible birds nearby and their chirping, especially the one that sounds like it's saying, “Hello, hello. Hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi. Hello.”

7
Honks of Increasing Duration from an Old Red SUV That Pulls Up in Front of the House across the Street

1.

2.
 Zoey winces.

3.
 “I hate horns,” she says.

4.

5.
 Zoey sits up straight, her knee leaving Darren's without saying good-bye. She snorts a little, or just exhales loudly. Maybe she even laughs, though not like anything's funny.

“He did you a favor,” she says. “Your dad did, telling you and everything.” Her voice is quicker and sharper than before.

“He did?”

“Things aren't the way they made us think they were when we were little. People aren't either.” She kicks a twig off the stair where her foot's resting, though not violently. “Being an adult, like a real adult, not just someone who, you know, happened to go through puberty—that just means figuring out a way to not break, like, some major law once you realize that your childhood was a big lie. Basically.”

Darren nods his head in agreement, though he's not sure he agrees. He really, really doesn't want that SUV to honk again.

6.
 Zoey continues, her voice picking up speed. “Because what do they expect us to do? Like we're supposed to say, ‘Awesome, it's all right that, that Mom wished she had been working the whole time. And that Dad loved her a lot, but loved about three other women too. And that, that most of all—” Zoey kicks away another twig, with way more force this time. “Forget it. Whatever. Most people don't figure it out until later. That's why adults are so miserable. Now you know. You've got the rest of your life to figure out what to do about it. So, yeah, might as well thank him.”

Darren turns to look at her, squinting even though it's not bright outside. “Forget what?”

“Huh?”

“You said, ‘Forget it.' You were about to say something else.”

“Nothing.”

“C'mon, tell me,” Darren says.

“Never mind.”

“Seriously. You said ‘most of all.' What was it?” He tries really hard with his face to tell her that he'll understand and keep it to himself and all that. And it might be working, as long as that SUV keeps quiet.

7.
 Oh well. Zoey stands up, turns to go back inside.

“Fine.” Darren gets up too. “Your choice. But it's, it's not like you don't know about my dad, so you can tell me, whatever it is.”

But Zoey is already back inside.

Darren brings his hands up toward his mouth, planning to yell, “Asshole!” at the SUV. Only it drove off when he wasn't looking.

8
Signs That Nate and Kyle Are Rather High, Some of Which Might Just Be Darren, Since He's Definitely Feeling a Little Different Himself after That Cigarette

1.
 Nate is lying belly-up with his pelvis and abdomen stretched over the armrest of the couch. His head is about a foot from the floor, which his dangling hair nearly reaches.

2.
 Nate and his red face greet Darren and Zoey by saying, “Well, hello, brother; hello, brother's traveling companion.”

3.
 The air, while not exactly smoky, seems less transparent than normal.

4.
 Kyle is sitting cross-legged by the records and does not appear to register Darren and Zoey's return in any way.

5.
 Kyle is holding up a record cover opposite his face, but his eyes are closed.

6.
 Darren doesn't recognize the music, but it sounds like music any high person would totally love, since it's pretty much just a soft, almost funky groove without any words.

7.
 Nate requests a glass of water from Darren, which is no big deal, except that he says it as if there is something fundamentally confusing about making this request.

8.
 Without moving from his position on/over the couch, Nate attempts (with impressive focus) to take a drink from the glass Darren has brought him.

1
Impassioned Monologue Nate Delivers After He (in More or Less a Single Motion) Soaks His Face and Hair, Twists off the Couch, Falls onto the Floor, Bounces Back up, and Jumps onto the Middle of the Couch, Where He Now Stands with Arms Outstretched and Toes Hanging over the Front Edge

1.
 “Here's the thing about diving,” he says, “the greatest thing about diving: You can't think about it. Not really. Because of gravity. Which won't let you. You can think about it before the dive. You can. You have to. But once you get on the board, that's what I figured out. I remember, at the New Trier meet, I was like, either this is going to happen or it's not. Either I'm going to nail this fucker or I'm not. The one-and-a-half with a twist. Remember that, D? I kept fucking it up, because I thought I needed to remember, to
remember
to do the twist. The one-and-a-half I had down. And so there'd be that moment in the dive, happened at ETHS and Highland Park, when I'd be like,
Now! Twist now!
But then I'd fuck the whole thing up. Because you can't think it, you've got to just do it. And then I was like,
Holy shit.
I was like,
Eureka, bitches!

“Because I got it, I finally got it. Don't think it, just do it. But it wasn't even that simple, because then I got more than that too, because even after I got it, I fucking
un
-got it. Un-fucking-got it. Because two weeks later, where was it, at Glenbrook South, I blew it again, not because I was thinking about it, or not because I
wanted
to think about it, but because I got scared and my brain, my
brain
, thought about it. It said, ‘Don't be scared, just remember what you need to do.' And I was like, ‘No, you—you brain.'

“Because, whatever, forget my brain, because that meant it wasn't just a problem of thinking or not thinking, it was also a matter of being scared. Or that thinking and being scared are kind of the same thing, when you think about it. You know? Damn, I should write that down. That was the heart of the whole thing. Because I knew what I needed to do. I
knew
. I knew way more than whether I might remember, you know? But diving is scary; it is. You jump up, you twist and flip and spin around and give yourself about twenty chances to fuck yourself up pretty good. Way safer just to sit in the stands and watch. You might do a belly flop. Hell, you might crack your head open on the board.

“Greg Louganis—a gay man, by the way,
super
gay dude—Greg Louganis, one of the best divers
that ever lived
, he whacked his head on the board at the Olympics. The Olympics! It's a real and present danger. But what are you going to do? Either you're going to jump or you're not. And if you're going to jump, then just jump. Jump and get out of the way, you know? Get out of your own way.

“Man, I should have dived more high. I would have been unstoppable. Could have gone downstate. Still, whatever, all-conference. Pretty sweet. Pretty sweet.

“Hey, what do you guys want to do for dinner?”

7
Suggestions Floated for Dinner and the Reasons the First Six Were Shot Down

1.
 China Palace (Nate)—That place is nasty (Kyle). No, it's not (Nate). Whatever, we can do better (Kyle).

2.
 Sluggo's Sliders (Kyle)—Darren is a vegetarian (Nate).

3.
 Ichiban (Nate)—I'm sick of sushi (Kyle).

4.
 Namaste (Nate)—Just because Darren's a veggie doesn't mean dinner has to suck balls. Sorry, Zoey (Kyle).

5.
 Campus Pizza (Kyle)—Yeah (Darren). Cool, but let's go out (Nate). Yeah (Darren). Why, man? They deliver (Kyle). I don't know, Darren and Zoey are here, what's the point of staying in all night (Nate)? Yeah (Darren). Because I'm lazy (Kyle)? C'mon (Nate). And look, it cleared up (Nate). It is pretty nice out (Darren). We're going to go out later, let's just hang here for now (Kyle). No, screw that, I don't really feel like pizza anyway (Nate). Pizza sucks (Zoey). Yeah (Darren).

6.
 El Jefe (Nate)—Seriously (Kyle)? What (Nate)? We have two guests, including a lady, and you're going to eat Mexican (Kyle)? Oh, you're an asshole, man (Nate). You'll thank me later, dude, or at least these two will (Kyle).

7.
 Abu Adam (Nate)

3
Interjections Made by Kyle during Nate's Impassioned Monologue, the First after
“Eureka, Bitches!”
the Second after “No, You—You Brain,” and the Last after “Get Out of Your Own Way”

1.
 Eureka in the house!

2.
 College is for thinking.

3.
 That's a metaphor.

11
Miracles Darren Wishes His Mom Could Perform While Speaking to Him on the Phone (Even Though She Called Nate, Who Immediately Tossed His Phone to Darren Like the Thing Was About to Explode)

1.
 Make dinner (spaghetti and red sauce, broccoli, and ice cream for dessert) appear.

2.
 Make two pairs of underwear, two pairs of socks, his Gap jeans, a couple of T-shirts (including the Paris one), and maybe another hoodie appear.

3.
 Get Zoey some clothes too. Whatever she wants.

4.
 Let him know how much he should be worried about Nate, if at all.

5.
 Give him just a general preview of any drastic steps that might be taken once Darren gets back home, a preview that makes it clear that there won't actually be any truly drastic steps.

6.
 Make Zoey want to kiss him. And drive him to school every morning. And quit smoking. And talk more like she did outside before that SUV showed up, because she has said exactly two words since they came back inside.

7.
 Promise him that if he gets drunk and/or high this weekend (which he probably will, he just has this feeling), it will be fine.

8.
 Make it so Darren and his dad already went to all the therapy sessions his dad is going to want him to go to with him to talk about being gay and whatever else.

9.
 Keep the sky clear like this for the rest of his visit.

10.
 Make Nate realize he should cut his hair, or at least shave. And study more, if he's not studying enough.

11.
 Promise Darren another five or six miracles at least, because there's definitely more stuff he wants, but it's hard to think of what they are when he's talking to her and trying to make sure she's not too worried or suspicious, which is pretty much impossible, even though she kind of sounds resigned to the whole situation and is probably relieved that Darren isn't talking the way a giant stoner would.

4
Different Things Darren Sort of Feels Like He Is with Regard to Nate and Zoey

1.
 THE LITTLE RED RIBBON TIED AROUND THE MIDDLE OF THE ROPE DURING A TUG-OF-WAR

There's an old wooden chair over by the window that Zoey's sitting in, which is pretty far away from the couch, where Nate and Kyle are hanging out. There's maybe enough space on the couch for Darren, but he winds up just standing in the middle of the room, about halfway in between everyone, hoping someone will help him figure out what to do next.

2.
 AN INTERPRETER

“Darren,” Nate nearly moans from the couch, “will you ask Lady Z questions?”

“What?” Darren asks, rather annoyed. “What are you talking about?”

“You know,” Nate says, nearly giggling. “Questions, about stuff.”

Zoey is looking at a book, either choosing not to acknowledge what's going on or having suddenly lost her sense of hearing.