Me, My Elf & I (29 page)

At this point I couldn’t care less about the audition. Mercedes is out and Bella will never be chosen in the condition she’s in, so I’m a little shocked when Mr. O’Donnell calls me up first.

“Good luck,” Rienna whispers to me as I rise unsteadily from my seat.

I’ve never actually practiced other than that one time with Bella in the studio upstairs. I remember her advice. She said to be a blank slate. Now as I climb the steps to the stage, I realize that she was probably lying and her supposed “help” was probably another ploy to make me look like a fool. I glance out at the girls seated below me. They sit in small groups of three or four, huddled together, whispering. I don’t know what they’re saying about me, and at this moment, I don’t care. I scan their faces until I land on Bella. She squirms uncomfortably in her chair, no doubt trying to scratch the endless itching all over her body. Her hair is even wilder than when she walked in. Some of it sticks straight up from her scalp in knotty puffs and the shadowy X on her face has darkened. Seeing her look like such a freak gives me a boost of energy. This is what I’m here for. This is why I came back. It’s my one shot to show everyone what I can do. I remember my grandmother’s words. I’m doing this for me and that’s all that matters. I turn to face Mr. O’Donnell and the two women.

“Whenever you’re ready,” he says.

I take my place behind the cardboard camera, which comes up to my waist. I realize then that it’s mounted on a small turntable. I look up at the video camera and nod. “Zephyr Addler,” I say clearly, then I begin reading the cue card. “To take a great picture with an ELPH camera, all you have to do is point and click.” I pretend to push the button on top of the cardboard camera. “Just point and click.” I turn the camera to the right and push the button again. “Point and click.” This time I turn it to the left. Then I center it again and continue. “When you’re done, you’ll wonder how it’s possible to have so many good shots. But don’t worry,” I pause and lean on my elbows across the top of the camera, “that’s the magic of an ELPH.” I give a little wink and smile to finish.

The girls in the audience clap and cheer so loudly that I’m startled. I look out and see that most of them are smiling up at me. Except for Chelsea and Bella, of course, but that’s nothing new.

“Thanks!” I laugh because I’m so surprised. I didn’t realize that clapping and yelling were part of an audition. It’s nice. Almost as if these girls like me.

“All right, all right,” Mr. O’Donnell shouts over the noise. “That’s enough. Quiet down.” The applause dies and I’m left standing there kind of embarrassed but mostly happy.

“So, Zephyr,” Julia Brennan says. I turn back toward the casting agents’ table. “I see from your résumé that this is your first professional audition, but you’ve done amateur stuff?”

“Yeah,” I say with a shrug because I know I won’t get the part. “Sorry, I don’t really know how to act, except for acting like myself,” I tell her. “But I did my best.”

“Obviously they liked you,” Mr. O’Donnell says, pointing to the girls in the audience.

“And for never having done this before that was remarkably good,” Julia tells me.

“She looks great on camera,” Luther tells them.

Grace Lee nods enthusiastically. “I love your energy,” she says. “It’s right on target. Happy, sweet, but just a little mischievous.”

“And this look . . .” Julia motions to my clothes. “Your outfit is perfect!”

“Yes,” Mr. O’Donnell agrees. “I see you took my advice and toned it down a little bit from last time. That was a good choice. You did very well. Excellent, in fact. What a great way to start.”

“Thank you!” I skip down the steps and back to my seat.

“You rocked!” Rienna whispers to me.

I shrug and shrink down in my seat, relieved that it’s over. Each time another girl finishes, I get ready to clap and yell like the girls did for me, but that never happens again and I’m confused. I know I wasn’t that good, so why did the girls get so worked up? Do they really like me? I’m skeptical. I don’t even know most of these people. I decide it must be something else. Something having to do with my supposed battle with Bella. If only they knew . . .

Rienna is pretty good, but she trips over the last line and gets embarrassed so she leaves the stage with her face bright red. I have to admit that Chelsea is a great actress because she seems sweet, friendly, and engaging when she reads the script—nothing like her true self. Finally after listening to the same six lines over and over again as each girl takes her turn, Mr. O’Donnell calls for my nemesis.

“Bella Dartagnan,” he says enthusiastically, then he leans over to Grace and Julia and whispers something to them, probably about how good Bella is. I hold my breath, waiting for her to mount the stage. Only nothing happens. Mr. O’Donnell shades his eyes and peers out at the seats. “Bella?” he says again. “You’re here, aren’t you?”

Like all the other girls, I wrench around in my seat to get a look at her. She’s slumped in her chair, mouth hanging open, a thin line of spit dribbling down her chin. Her hair is a crazy nest poofed out all over her head. Her arms and legs are scratched red and raw and now there is an unmistakable X stamped across her face.

“Bella?” Mr. O’Donnell says one more time.

This snaps Bella out of her haze—courtesy of my stupidity hex. She rises and stumbles toward the stage, seems confused, and starts to walk the other way. Chelsea sticks her hand out and turns Bella toward the stage again, then gives her a little push. Everyone watches as Bella trips up the steps, then bumps the giant camera cutout, which crashes to the floor. Luther rushes over to help set up the prop again. Bella settles herself behind it and when she looks up at the casting agents, they all audibly gasp.

“Bella, are you all right?” Mr. O’Donnell asks.

“Yaaaaw,” she slurs. “I’b find. Why bloudn’t I blee?”

“What?” he asks.

“I shed bime blind,” she insists.

Mr. O’Donnell looks from Julia to Grace, totally confused. “What is that you’re wearing?” he asks Bella.

She looks down at herself. “Da blame bling I floor the last slime.”

“I think he means your hair and makeup,” Julia says. “I’m not sure this is exactly the look we’re going for.”

Bella stares at Julia for a moment and rolls her eyes. “Butt bever. Can I dust do my laudition?” Then she burps, sending all the girls into a fit of hysterical giggling. I’m laughing so hard that I nearly pee myself. Bella stares at all of us meanly, which only makes everyone laugh harder.

“Quiet down now,” Mr. O’Donnell says testily. “You girls settle down.” We all shrink in our seats and press our hands over our mouths, trying to stop cracking up. “Let’s give Bella a chance.” He looks back up at his darling and shudders at the sight of her. “Anytime you’re ready.”

“To snake a bate snicture with a relph smamera, doll you bave to smoo is doint and smick.” Bella tries to push the button on top, but she leans too far forward and knocks the big camera to the floor again. When she bends over to get it, she farts loudly and all of us lose it. That only makes her madder, so she yells her next line. “It’s so peasy. Bust foint and jick, woint and wick, gloint and dick.” She pounds on the camera top as she says this, then blows a puff of air into the hair hanging in her face. “When you’re sun, you’ll blunder how’s it gossible to bave so fenny rude jots. But don’t porry.” Then she stops, squints at the cue card, and scratches her belly, then her butt. “Fut’s the sline?” she asks, pointing at the card.

“That’s the magic of an ELPH,” Luther calls out the line to her.

She shakes her head, annoyed. “Vat’s gust the, um, uh . . .” Before she can finish the line, she slumps over and falls flat on the floor on top of the camera. In the shocked silence that follows, we hear her small, muffled voice say, “tragic of a belph.”

I can’t even breathe, I’m laughing so hard. Beside me, Rienna is doubled over, smacking her knees, howling. Even Chelsea, Bella’s best friend, has her hands over her mouth, trying to hide her laughter, but her shaking shoulders give her away. Onstage, Mr. O’Donnell has rushed to Bella’s aid. He helps her up, only to be violently brushed off by her.

“Bella!” he says. “What has gotten into you?”

“Is she on drugs?” Julia asks.

“Splew zoo!” Bella yells at them before she stumbles and thumps down the stairs on her butt. She picks herself up, trudges up the aisle, bumping chairs and sneering at everyone as she goes. When she reaches the exit she turns and yells, “Splew all of zoo!” And then she’s gone.

“All right! All right!” Mr. O’Donnell is screaming over the hysteria filling the auditorium. “That’s enough! Settle down! I don’t know what’s going on here. You girls take a ten-minute break and pull yourselves together.” He turns back toward Julia, Grace, and Luther.

“Is that the girl you were raving about?” I hear Grace yell at Mr. O’Donnell.

Mr. O’Donnell shakes his head wearily and drops down into his chair.

“That girl was a freak,” Luther says loudly. “But I’m glad I got it on tape. I’m gonna post that on YouTube.”

 

I file out of the auditorium behind all the other girls who chatter excitedly. But then I hang back when they head for the vending machines. I’ve been laughing so hard that my throat is sore and I’m starting to feel sick to my stomach. Plus, I’m exhausted. The past few days have been insane. I drop down to a bench in the hallway and lay my head back against the wall. Although I should feel satisfied that my spell worked spectacularly, I’m conflicted. Despite how hard I laughed, my heart feels heavy. The lightness of hilarity has given way to the darkness of regret. I know that what I did crossed a line, and worse, it didn’t change anything about my family having to leave Alverland. I’m beginning to wonder if Grandma Fawna was right. Is revenge ever really worth it?

As I consider this, I hear someone walking down the hall, then stop in front of me. I open my eyes to see Chelsea standing before me with her arms folded tightly across her chest. “So that was weird,” she says dryly.

“Ummm, yeah, it was,” I say, a little spooked that she’s choosing to talk to me about Bella.

“You know you’re going to get the part,” she says.

“There’s no way,” I tell her. “You were really good. You’ll probably get it.”

She shakes her head. “They loved you. Everyone.”

“That had nothing to do with my audition,” I say. “And we both know it.”

She shrugs. “Doesn’t matter. The agents thought you were perfect.”

I lay my head back against the wall and close my eyes again because all I want to do right now is sleep. “I don’t even want it anymore,” I admit. “Bella won’t get it and that’s all I care about.”

Chelsea snorts. “Then you’ll definitely get it.”

I look at her. “Why?”

“Because you don’t care and I always get screwed.” She turns and walks down the empty hall back toward the auditorium.

A moment later the gaggle of girls round the corner carrying bags of chips and cans of soda. They’re still laughing and talking loudly about Bella’s audition. I get up before they reach the benches and follow Chelsea because I don’t want to get caught up in the riot.

Everyone takes their seats again in the auditorium. Mr. O’Donnell looks like he got hit by a truck. His shirt is untucked, his hair’s a mess, even one of his shoes is untied. Poor guy. Grace and Julia sit coolly on either side of him, waiting for all of us to settle down.

“This has been a most unusual day,” Mr. O’Donnell tells us. “If the shoot weren’t already scheduled, I’m not sure what we’d do. Obviously, something was not right with Bella Dartagnan.”

I steal a glance at Julia and Grace. They exchange looks and roll their eyes at each other.

“But nevertheless, this is show business, girls,” Mr. O’Donnell says. “And no one gets a break. It’s cutthroat and, therefore, we had to choose the best of what we saw.”

Julia interrupts him. “Which was very good, by the way. Sometimes it’s nice to find new talent.”

“I agree,” Grace says.

“The part of the new ELPH camera elf will be played by . . . ,” he pauses for dramatic effect, then he says, “Zephyr Addler.”

The other girls erupt into cheers. Rienna throws her arms around my neck and squeals in my ear, but I’m flabbergasted.

“And the understudies,” Mr. O’Donnell shouts over the noise. Everyone immediately quiets down. “In case Zephyr can’t make the shoot for any reason, are Chelsea Wheeler first and, if she can’t make it, Rienna Falzetta.”

I’m speechless as everyone rushes over to congratulate me, saying things like, “I’m so glad Bella didn’t get it!” and “You kicked her butt!” and “First you took her boyfriend and now her audition, ha-ha-ha!” I look up from the crowd around me to see Chelsea, standing off to the side, arms still crossed, shaking her head. She looks at me and raises her eyebrows as if to say, “Told you so.”

“Zephyr, Chelsea, and Rienna,” Mr. O’Donnell says. “If you’ll come up here, we’ll give you all the details of the shoot.”

I disentangle myself from the girls. They applaud me one more time as I climb up onstage with Rienna and Chelsea behind me. I turn and look out at the girls. I try to smile, but it’s hard because I know these girls aren’t really happy for me. They’re just happy that for once Bella didn’t get the part. This leaves me wondering if I solved anything by sabotaging Bella. Or did I just fuel the flames of some stupid fire?

chapter 15

BY THE TIME
I get home, all of the giddiness from the audition has worn off and I’m almost dragging myself up our front walk to the door. Not only am I worried about my family, but my arms and legs feel like they’re full of sand, my head is pounding, my throat burns, my stomach churns, and I swear even my hair hurts. All I want to do is lie down and sleep for a hundred years.

I’m expecting the house to be quiet when I open the door, but I’m wrong. The second I step foot in the living room, Poppy, Persimmon, and Bramble come running, screeching like frenzied blue jays, and throw themselves at my legs. Despite my relief that they’re home safely, I slump to the floor under the weight of their hugs.