Me Without You (9 page)

‘Uh-oh. That doesn’t sound good.’

‘It doesn’t.’

‘Lunch?’

‘Yeah.’ I quickly texted her back to suggest a time and place then slid the phone into my pocket.

‘No, I meant your
tone
,’ Karl laughed. ‘She just wants to have lunch?’

‘Yeah… I don’t know. Call it instinct.’

Maybe I’d been waiting for her to retreat, after her disappearing act and then her comments the previous weekend. It had all been too easy to spend the hours with her over the week, even though she’d made it abundantly clear that she wasn’t looking for a relationship. Perhaps this was where it all broke.

There was a cafe on the corner between our offices. I arrived first and early, and waited a few minutes for a table to become free. Lilah was a few minutes late and looked a little frazzled.

I kissed her cheek and she dropped into her chair with a heavy exhale.

‘Big day?’ I asked, and she groaned.

‘Too annoying to recount. How’s yours going?’

‘It’s going well.’ So far. ‘This was a nice idea, catching up over lunch.’

‘Yes, I’m starving.’ Lilah reached for the menu, scanned it quickly then dumped it back onto the table.

‘I think we order at the counter. Can I get yours?’

During the brief hesitation, I saw the way her independence battled the practical needs of the moment. She surveyed the busy café, the handful of people waiting for a table, and finally the sign at the front of the room proclaiming
please order at the counter
. Only after taking all of this in did she glance back to me and nod.

‘Greek salad, please, no feta, but can you ask for extra olives? Thanks.’

As I ordered, the nervous rhythm beat in my stomach. There was a peculiar energy to her today, and I wasn’t sure what it meant, or even how to decipher it. When I joined her again in the upholstered bucket chairs, she crossed her legs and gave me a stare like I was on the witness stand.

‘I was thinking…’ Here it came. I braced myself. ‘Tomorrow, let’s go bushwalking.’

‘Oh?’

‘You’re startled. Not a good idea? I thought you might bring your camera. There are so many walks up in the Blue Mountains; we can catch a train up and then…’ I tuned out from her words and just stared at her face, at the animation of her sales pitch for a day of exploring together, and only managed to focus back in on her words when she was wrapping up. ‘…and the best part of all, I’ll
have
to wear shoes, so I figured you’d like that.’

I glanced at her feet and noted the black heels she wore. She kicked them towards me playfully.

‘Yes, I know, but I do generally wear them all through the workday. This is just the first time you’ve seen me at lunch. So what do you think—shall we go bush tomorrow?’

‘Oh... yes... absolutely,’ I said. My words ran into one another, and she paused.

‘You don’t have to.’

‘No, I would
love
to. Honestly.’

‘You…’ The tiny wrinkle appeared between her eyes again. When she was angry or confused, or even concentrating hard, it seemed to come from nowhere, and it would disappear just as quickly when she smiled. ‘Is something wrong?’

‘Not a thing,’ I smiled and tried to reassure her. ‘Really. It’s a fantastic idea. I’ll charge my camera tonight. I’d love to bust it out again—it’s been years.’

‘Okay.’ She settled back in her chair, her gaze still on mine. ‘You’re sure you didn’t have other plans?’

‘Lilah, all I was hoping for this weekend was to spend some time with you,’ I said. ‘Honestly. And a walk in the mountains sounds perfect.’

‘Great, we can get up early and be there by about nine…’

And Lilah was off again, chattering excitedly about all of the possibilities of a day of trekking. After we’d eaten, she kissed me and disappeared back around the corner to her office, and I stayed for an extra coffee alone to try to pull myself back into orbit.

It occurred to me that when I’d stopped reaching for new things in my life, I’d effectively circumvented both risk and fear. And now that a new possibility had erupted right before my eyes, and I was fast becoming addicted to the drug that was my relationship with Lilah, I was exposed and vulnerable. So she’d called lunch to make plans this time—next time it could well be to remind me that she wasn’t looking for a relationship and to end whatever it was that was happening between us. If I was going to keep seeing her, I had to be prepared for that possibility. Already I had experienced firsthand the way that Lilah’s approach to life had her taking left turns and right turns without warning, jumping all over the place in the name of
making the most of it
. Who knew if, or when, she’d take a turn away from me?

Given that every single time I saw her I fell for her just a little more, I knew I had to make a decision. If I was
going
to keep seeing her, I had to accept that it was entirely possible that we might reach a point where my hopes for our relationship did not match hers.

I would proceed with my eyes wide open, and take the calculated risk. Just like Lilah walking on the beach at night with no shoes, I’d focus on enjoying the moment.

A
new noodle
bar had opened up on the Corso, and after we met at the wharf again that night, Lilah suggested we stop in for a quick meal. I’d ordered a laksa. Lilah stepped up to the counter to order when she noticed a canister of vegetable stock powder on the stainless-steel bench.

‘Your menu says no MSG,’ she frowned. ‘That brand has MSG added.’

‘MSG?’ I repeated.

‘Monosodium glutamate. It’s a fucking neurotoxin.’ Lilah’s voice was raised, ever so slightly, but the tone was ripe with disgust. The line of people behind us all quietened and I had a sudden feeling that I was about to witness some kind of explosion.

‘Lilah—’

‘The menu says
no added
MSG,’ the middle-aged woman behind the counter said flatly. ‘Small amounts may be present in some of the ingredients. If you’re allergic, I can leave the stock out.’

Lilah took a menu from the counter, opened it with force and slammed it in front of the woman.

‘
No MSG.’
Lilah read aloud. ‘You need to change your stock, or reprint these menus.’

‘Come on, Lilah,’ I tugged gently at her arm. ‘Let’s just leave, hey?’

‘Studies have consistently shown that MSG is poison to the human brain—it has a cumulative effect and can cause brain lesions. Plus it’s quite a common allergy. You can’t just include it in food and not tell people.’ She’d taken a deep breath and was calm again, but clearly determined to educate the woman. ‘Do you understand how serious this is?’

The woman behind the counter was unimpressed.

‘Lady, do you want the noodles or not?’

‘Oh,
hell
no. I wouldn’t eat here in a million years. But I
am
going to come back here in a week’s time. If that stock or these menus are the same, I’ll be making a call to the authorities.’

Behind us, I noticed movement, and when I glanced behind me, several people had left the back of the line and exited the shop. Those who hadn’t yet left were watching Lilah with interest; some were talking quietly between themselves. The woman behind the counter noticed too and gave an exasperated gesture towards the door.

‘I think you should leave now, or
I
will call the police.’

Lilah raised her eyebrow at the woman. Before she could open her mouth again, I pulled again on her arm.

‘Lilah, let’s
go,
please?
’

Lilah turned to me, sighed, and then stepped away from the counter. Outside, she growled in frustration.

‘You can’t mess with food additives. I checked the menu online before we went there. I knew she was wrong.’

‘So we don’t eat there. Why is this such a big deal?’ I hadn’t really seen Lilah angry, but she was almost vibrating with furious energy.

‘Callum, it is illegal to misrepresent a product, and that’s exactly what that shop is doing. Do you not understand why that’s so frustrating to me? Today she sneaks MSG in—what’s next, a chunk of radioactive steak?’

I held my hands up, aware that she was still livid, and that this was an argument I had no chance of winning. ‘Maybe we can go have a pizza instead? Or we can go home and I’ll make you…’

I hesitated. Given her limited diet and my exceptionally poor culinary skills, I really didn’t stand a chance of cooking for her. She raised her eyebrow at me.

‘…a soy smoothie?’ I suggested. A reluctant smile crossed her face. She slipped her arm through my elbow and we continued down the Corso.

‘It is really important to me that I don’t eat MSG, okay? I’m sorry I blew up. I just
hate
people underestimating this stuff.’

‘Okay, Lilah. I get it.’

I still didn’t really understand the issue, but it was enough for me that Lilah felt it was important she avoid whatever the hell MSG was.

‘There’s another noodle shop further down the Corso,’ she said, ‘I can eat there. Is that okay?’

‘Absolutely.’ I was just relieved that she was starting to calm down. Angry Lilah was a force to be reckoned with. We made it all the way to the other restaurant and had ordered our meals before she exhaled and glanced at me.

‘Were you embarrassed?’

‘At you nearly tearing the head off the server and scaring away half of their patrons?’ I laughed wryly. ‘Why would that be embarrassing?’

She winced a little.

‘I’m not really a fiery redhead.’

‘I can see that,’ I raised my eyebrows at her.

‘I’m really not.’ Lilah insisted. ‘But some things are worth fighting for, and I honestly believe that truth in labelling is one of them. I avoid MSG on principle but some people are actually anaphylactic to it. There’s a reason those laws are in place: it protects people’s lives.’

‘Will you really go back and check on them?’

‘I absolutely will. I have an obligation to now.’

‘What if it’s not your problem?’

‘How is it not my problem? I
know
about it now.’

‘It is not your responsibility to solve every problem in the world that you happen to know about.’ The very idea amused me.

‘That attitude is part of what’s wrong with the world today,’ she frowned. ‘A simple thing like that, where people’s health and safety is at stake, and all that’s required of me to help fix it is a repeat visit and a single phone call? Wouldn’t you?’

‘When you put it like that, I guess I should. But under normal circumstances, honestly? I wouldn’t even have noticed the menu said anything about MSG, and even if I did happen to notice, I don’t think it would ever occur to me that I could or should do anything about it.’

‘Are you seriously suggesting I should drop it?’ Thankfully, there was no indignation in her tone, just confusion and maybe a little hurt. We were sitting in some waiting chairs, her hand on the arm-rest beside me. I picked it up and entwined our fingers.

‘I’m not saying that at all.
Firstly, I wouldn’t
dare
to tell you what you should or shouldn’t do.’ I feigned fear and she gave me a look that left no doubt in my mind that she was not in the mood for jokes. ‘I don’t know. Where do you draw the line? We need more bike lanes in Manly and although I barely drive, I’ve nearly hit two cyclists in the last year or so. I think
someone
should address it, does that mean I have an obligation to lobby the local council? What about when I see those ads for starving children on television? I’m aware of the problem and apparently all I have to do is give my money over, but where do I stop? Is the right thing to do to keep giving until I bankrupt myself? You can’t fight all of the world’s battles.’

‘But Callum, you
have
to fight
some
. Not for the world, but for you. When you find something that stirs a passion inside you, some injustice or some beauty or… or…
something—
you
have
to go after it, regardless of how big or small it is, because that’s all there is in this life. There is nothing else worth wasting your time on.’

I didn’t know what to say to that. I didn’t even know what to
think
about it. We fell into silence, and even after we’d picked up our meals and quietly agreed to eat at my place, and Lilah seemed to recover from all of the fury of the evening and resumed an animated chatter about the week that had been, I still felt distracted. This woman, who apparently stood for everything that stirred a feeling within her, was the only thing that had stirred a passion in me in years.

‘I should go home,’ she said after she’d finished eating. She rose and I rose too, but instead of walking her out, I took her hand and pulled her silently towards me.

Even after just a week of knowing Lilah, there was so much change happening inside me that I felt I was being enlarged. I wanted to tell her so, but I knew my words would be clumsy and that she’d run like a frightened kitten, so instead I let my kiss and my embrace tell the story.

‘Stay,’ I whispered.

‘But…’ Her voice was weak, but her protest even more so because her eyes pleaded with me to convince her.

‘Stay, Lilah. Please.’

She swallowed. I saw the flickering emotions in her gaze, the internal battle between whatever it was within her that held her back from me, and the opposing force, the bond between us that pulled her to stay. I even saw the moment I won, when the tension in her face relaxed and she wrapped her arms around my neck.

S
he roused
me at the crack of dawn, and before I had even fully woken, we had been past her house for casual clothing and a backpack she filled with food. Then we were on the earliest fast ferry, headed back to Sydney to catch a train.

Lilah had plotted a trek for us, starting at a lookout in Katoomba, looping around something with the ominous name of the Giant Stairway, through some rainforest and back.

When we arrived at Echo Point Lookout, the sun was still low, and there were only a handful of tourists around. It was freezing, but Lilah had told me that even by nine a.m. the area would be teaming with people and tour groups, so the best way to enjoy the area was to get there before they arrived. She stood right at the safety rail and surveyed the panoramic view of dense bushland and immense space, the valley stretching as far as we could see in both directions. The famous Three Sisters rock formation was just below us, shrouded in the low line of fog that ran through the very bottom of the entire valley. Lilah inhaled, as if she could breathe it all in, then turned to me with a grin.