Meant for Me (16 page)
“Eric, I think I need to sit down,” Ivy says, grasping her head. “I feel a little dizzy.”
I shift my weight, putting one arm around her waist to hold her steady. I back her up slowly, placing her onto the toilet. I step away to give her some space while sliding the briefs over her ankles. There are goose bumps covering her legs. The sooner I get her in the shower, the better.
“I have to pee,” she says weakly. “Do you mind waiting outside the door?”
This is one of her little quirks. No matter how intimate we’ve become, she doesn’t like me in the bathroom with her when she has to go—and vice versa. One time I nonchalantly came in to urinate while she was brushing her teeth at the sink and I thought she was going to castrate me on the spot. It’s one of her pet peeves, but now I’m not so sure I should give in to her.
“What if you pass out and hit your head?” I ask, not wanting to leave her side.
“Eric, please. I’m begging you. I can’t hold it anymore,” she whimpers, pushing me away.
Dr. P. said her hormones might be out of whack, especially with that new prescription he put her on. One minute she’s horny, the next she’s crying. Talk about being on an emotional roller coaster. Nothing’s more erratic than the mood swings of a pregnant woman.
I get up without further argument and stand just inside the bedroom. I can just about hear her steady stream over the noise of the shower.
“Close the door!” she yells, mortified.
“Then how I am I going to know when you’re done?” I question her.
“I’ll tell you!” she shouts back.
I know better than to argue with her extreme modesty when it comes to her bathroom habits. There’s no changing her now. She is the way she is. I’ve never really lived with a girl before. I don’t know if they’re all like that or if it’s just her. All I know is that guys could care less who they pee in front of.
A few seconds later, I hear the toilet flush, but I wait for her signal.
“I’m done,” she calls out, so I slip back in. She’s already trying to remove her sweatshirt and I help her pull her arms through. She’s now completely naked as she stands in front of me, self-consciously crossing her arms in front of her chest.
“You don’t have to cover yourself,” I reassure her. “It’s just me.”
“I know, but I feel like some kind of invalid now,” she mutters.
“Hey,” I reply, lifting up her chin to meet my gaze. “You are beautiful.” I kiss her lips softly then bend down to kiss her belly. She runs her fingers through my hair, playing with the ends. I sit back on my knees and look up at her. “Beautiful,” I whisper again.
I see tears glistening in her eyes as I grip her waist and run my thumbs over her thighs. Steam is filling the room as the running water continues to pound against the tub. I better get her in there before the hot water runs out.
I stand up, kicking off my shoes. Quickly, I uncinch my belt and lower my fly. Stepping out of my jeans, I fumble with my socks before yanking my shirt over my head. My face is on fire, knowing she’s watching my every move. I pull back the shower curtain and offer her my hand.
“Aren’t you forgetting something?” she sniffles.
“My boxers are staying on,” I inform her. “As an insurance policy.”
“Well, don’t think they can’t come off,” she says, smiling at me begrudgingly before stepping under the spray.
I follow her in, making sure to keep an arm around her waist for support. I guide her beneath the faucet, smoothing her hair back with my hand. I reach for her shampoo, working up a good lather. The citrus fragrance is so intoxicating, and it’s the scent I most associate with Ivy. I massage her scalp with her fingers, trying hard to ignore my throbbing dick as she moans with pleasure.
“That feels so good,” she murmurs, grasping my hips.
My hands seem so large against her head as she shimmies against me. I back up a little and start rinsing the suds away. I can’t let her get too close, no matter how much I want her. She’s off limits until April.
What if we never have sex again? I try to shut my mind off, but I’m assaulted with a barrage of questions. What if the placenta detaches? What if she dies before giving birth? What if I never know what it’s like to come inside of her again? What if she never experiences an orgasm for the rest of her life?
I can see why she’s so willing to take such a risk now. This could very well be it. This is as intimate as we’re going to get. I can’t put my hands on her. I can’t put my mouth on her. I can’t be inside of her. Bottom line, I can’t take her anywhere close to fulfillment. Nothing that could—how did Dr. P. phrase it? Traumatize the uterus?
Nothing about this is fair. Not for me, and especially not for her. I feel like a jerk now, thinking that I might have somehow prevented this. We were having sex a lot during her first trimester, probably more than we should have. I didn’t stop and think about the potential danger to the fetus. I didn’t think I could possibly be hurting Ivy by making love to her while she was pregnant.
She must be getting tired because she leans into me, placing her head underneath my chin. I stroke the side of her face as the water pelts her back. Her skin feels so silky soft under the shower, like dew on a rose petal. I kiss the top of her head before picking up her loofah. Squirting some body wash onto it, I start rubbing it along the length of her arm. Slowly drawing her away from me, I position her in the middle of the tub and get to work.
I run the loofah under her arms, over her shoulders, and across her breasts, taking care not to linger too long in one particular area. My thumb dips into her clavicle as she elongates her neck for me. I continue a trail down her stomach, leaving her bellybutton filled with suds. I bend down, cleansing each leg from thigh to ankle. She holds on to my shoulders as I pick up each foot, running the loofah between her toes. She relaxes as I glide it up her back and between her shoulder blades.
I swirl my thumbs against her hips, preparing her for what I have to do next. It’s time for the most sensitive area. I place my hand on her inner thigh, spreading her legs apart. She groans slightly but doesn’t resist. The nurse did a pretty good job cleaning her up down there, but I’m going to take my time until she’s immaculate. Roughing the loofah up against my palm, I create a mountain of soapy foam. Kneeling before her, I start with her thighs and work inward. The water flowing off her body starts to turn pink, but Dr. P. said that’s normal.
I look up at Ivy and her eyes are closed.
“Are you okay?” I ask, blinking as droplets from my hair roll down my face.
“Uh-huh,” she hums, not opening her lips.
“Ivy, tell me what’s wrong,” I urge, halting my progress until she answers me.
“Nothing, Eric,” she responds, finally opening her eyes. “I just never thought…” She pauses to collect herself, taking a shuddering breath. “That a man could be so good to me.”
I feel myself choking up as she looks at me so tenderly. Doesn’t she know she means the world to me? I would do anything for her—anything.
“I love you, Ivy,” I say simply. My voice sounds rough because I never said those words to her with so much emotion before.
“I know,” she sighs, causing her belly bump to rise and fall. “I hear it in every word. I feel it in every touch. I see it in every look. How did I get so lucky?”
“No, I’m the lucky one,” I admit, standing up to nuzzle her nose. I glide my lips across hers, kissing her softly.
“I love you, Eric,” she utters, and I know it’s coming from the depths of her soul.
I fold her in my arms, holding her close. Even while she’s pregnant, my callused hands are still able to span her waist. Reaching behind her, I turn the water off and pull back the curtain. Shaking out the last folded towel on the shelf, I wrap her in it, letting myself drip dry.
I plug in her blow dryer and quickly get to work on her hair. She can’t go to bed with a wet head. I sit her next to the sink, and we don’t say a word for the next ten minutes or so. We just look at each other, and it’s enough.
I wipe away the condensation on the mirror when I’m done and she laughs when she sees how frizzy her hair is. She normally styles it so that it’s straight and sleek, but I kind of like it wild and untamed. It looks good on her—natural.
She can barely keep her eyes open as I carry her into the bedroom. I dig through the bottom drawer for her flannel nightgown. She starts to protest when she sees it.
“Ivy, you’re not going to sleep wearing just my shirt. It’s too cold for that now. You need to stay warm,” I tell her, patting her dry with the ends of the towel.
“But I want something of yours. Not this old thing.” She tosses it back at me. “I want something that smells like you.”
“You’re nuts,” I tease her, although my cheeks redden at her request. Something about it is incredibly erotic. I unzip my suitcase and root through it. “How about this long-sleeved t-shirt and my pajama pants?”
“Perfect.” She smiles at me, the towel draped haphazardly around her.
“Hold on. I’ll be right back.” I wink at her before ducking into the bathroom to retrieve one of her pads from the counter under the sink. I make one last stop at her lingerie drawer for a sensible pair of underwear.
She glances at me shyly as I remove the towel from her body and hold out the arms of my shirt, guiding one arm through and then the other before sliding it over her head. I make a valiant effort not to stare at her breasts while I’m dressing her, but her nipples stand out against the fabric as I pull the shirt down over them.
“It’s okay,” she says, rubbing my arm sympathetically. “This isn’t going to be easy. From now on, I’ll stop making it so hard for you. I’ll cooperate. I’ll behave.”
“You will?”
“You’re so good to me,” she whispers. “I don’t deserve it.”
She stands up and I help her step into her underwear. I start opening the pad, but she pulls it out of my hands, shaking her head. She takes care of it as I hold up the pants for her to get into. Smoothing the sheets as best I can, I help her get under the covers.
She stares up at me. “Don’t be long.”
“I won’t,” I respond, caressing her cheek. She tangles her fingers in my hair, pulling me down until my lips are on hers. We kiss softly for several minutes before I finally come up for air.
“I thought you were going to be good,” I chuckle.
“That is being good,” she smiles, running her thumb across my lips. “Besides, I think you have another fire to light. But first I think you should change out of those wet boxers…and let me watch.”
I playfully pinch the tip of her nose as she squeals, but I’ll willingly comply with that demand. Moving away from the bed, I turn my back as I strip them from my body. She’s not heckling me to turn around, and I’m surprised. I peek over my shoulder, and find that her eyes are already closed.
I smile wearily as I get dressed before rubbing my hair with her discarded towel. She’s exhausted. She needs to rest. But I can’t help feeling let down. It’s like she left me suddenly, even though she’s right here.
And it terrifies me to picture a world without her in it.
“Mind if I borrow Ben for a minute?” I ask Frank out of politeness, but I really don’t care what he says. “I have an errand I need him to help me with.”
“Sure, go ahead. It’s been pretty slow this afternoon,” Frank says, lifting his eyes from the copy of the
Gazette
he was reading. “Just don’t tell my son,” he chuckles, and I play along like it’s some kind of inside joke between the two of us.
“Where is Eric anyway?” I ask, glancing around. “I haven’t seen him today.”
“He went back to the house to check on Ivy. He’s nervous about leaving her alone all day. He’s afraid she’s going to try to run a marathon or something.” Frank grimaces, shaking his head. “I wish that boy would stop being so damn protective of her, but he’s scared.”
“Yeah, I know he is.” I’m not one to get sentimental, and Eric’s not my favorite person in the world, but how much can one guy take?
“Anything else you need, Frank?” Ben asks, ignoring me as he walks in with a hefty bag of ice melt slung over his shoulder.
“Nah, I think that’s it for today, but it seems like Will needs you for something,” Frank says innocently, unaware of our situation.
“Oh yeah?” Ben’s all business in front of Frank, but under the surface I can tell he’s pleased by the interruption.
“Can you give me a ride into town? Eric has his truck up at the house and I don’t want to bother him if he’s with Ivy.” I lay it on thick for Frank’s benefit.
“Sure, I could do that.” Ben wipes his hands on his jeans after heaving the fifty-pound bag on top of the pile. “You ready?”
“Uh huh,” I respond casually, despite my eagerness.
“See you tomorrow, Frank.” Ben waves, heading out the door.
“Okay, Ben,” Frank says absentmindedly, already lost in the sports section. “Goodnight, fellas.”
The bell above the door jingles as we step out into the cold. Ben’s still playing it cool, but I feel a jolt of excitement from walking next to him, side by side, the shadows we’re casting on the ground practically touching. He’s a lot brawnier than I am, all solid muscle, but not big and bulky like a linebacker. Oh no, he’s tight and trim in all the right places.
“I didn’t think I’d be back in your hillbilly truck so soon,” I flirt with him as he disengages the automatic locks. “Last night was pretty fantastic.”
For a split second, he blushes before getting behind the wheel. “What’s this all about?”
“We need to continue our conversation,” I respond breezily, fastening my seatbelt.
“I don’t think so.” He’s wary of my motives. “But we have to go somewhere after you fed Frank that line of bull, so give me a destination.”
“That same secluded spot would be nice,” I drawl, igniting the fire in his eyes. “And this time I’m not taking no for an answer.”
“Forget it, Will,” he spits out, gunning the engine. “We’ve already talked about this.”
“Yeah, but you have to reconsider. There’s too much at stake for you to cling to your stupid jock image. Now’s the time when you have to take one for the team.” I appeal to his better nature, hoping he won’t shut me out.
“You’re not outing me, Will.” He roars past the mailbox at the end of the lane and keeps going. “I don’t care what you say. I’ve got too much to lose.”
“But think about it for a minute,” I respond, taking a diplomatic approach. “You’re going to be leaving town in a matter of months. You’ll be away from these small-minded people. Their opinions won’t matter anymore. And besides, you’re not admitting you’re gay to the whole town—just to Lauren.”
“Yeah, who just so happens to have the power to ruin me,” Ben laughs cruelly. “Are you out of your mind?”
“She’d rather die than expose Ryan and you know it.” I hate throwing his previous relationship back in his face, but he’s not giving me any choice. “We have to hit her where it counts. Threaten her. Scare her into thinking that you’re going to go public with all of the details and that the whole town’s gonna find out that Ryan was your boyfriend.”
“Ryan gutted me, Will, okay? I didn’t think I’d ever get over him. He was it for me.” He takes his hand off the steering wheel to run it over the stubble on his face.
It’s one of his nervous gestures that I find so endearing, but I can’t let his cuteness distract me from the mission at hand. He needs to cooperate, and he’s going to. I admire his spirit, but it’s misdirected. He’s the hottest guy I’ve ever been with, but I’m all about self-preservation. And I’m not about to let everything fall apart just because he’s expected to bang every cheerleader on the squad. Life is more complicated than that.
“So Lauren’s dad caught you fooling around with his son, and he took it out on your brother to keep you quiet. Don’t you think Lauren’s already figured it out? She might be a crazy bitch, but she’s not dumb.” I take it as a good omen when Ben pulls over. We’re out in the open, and it’s not exactly private if someone happens to drive by, but it’ll do. At least I know what I’m saying is starting to penetrate his thick skull.
“My brother lost his job because of me, and he doesn’t even know it.” He stares at the barren trees out the windshield. “Ryan was taking a lot of heat from the guys at school. They knew what he was even if they couldn’t prove it. He hated the idea of them harassing him. So he’d do stupid shit to try and prove his manhood. He could never accept himself for who he is. I loved him so much but it wasn’t enough for him. I tried to keep him safe, but I failed.”
“You tried,” I reassure him, stroking the back of his head as he lowers it against the wheel.
“He was always so careful, but I got him drunk at his dad’s lodge to loosen him up. I wanted to enjoy our weekend together, but he’d only ever touch me after he’d had a few beers. It’s like he was repulsed by what we were doing, but he still wanted it. We had the music on pretty loud and we didn’t hear the garage door go up. His father caught us in the act and all hell broke lose. I never touched him again.” Ben stops and I lean forward to wrap him in my arms.
“Did his father threaten you?” I ask, somewhat afraid to hear the whole story.
“No, but I can’t help but think he set my brother up,” Ben continues, lifting his head. “Ryan went off the rails after that, doing messed-up shit. He was backing girls up against lockers to cop a feel. He was making suggestive comments while standing in the lunch line. He was texting naked pictures of himself to the prom committee. It was like he was trying to prove a point or something. Well, during his testosterone-fueled rampage, my brother caught him spying on the girls’ swim team. He had no idea what had happened between us and he reported him. Ryan didn’t get punished, but my brother got fired.”
“Why didn’t you speak up then?” I hover over him, wishing he had done the right thing when it counted but also understanding the shame that went into making such a confession.
“Because I was in the process of applying to college. I needed recommendations from my teachers and coaches. I was up for a free ride. Why would I throw that all away? Besides, what college team has an openly gay quarterback? Name one,” he challenges me, his beautiful face distorted in anger.
“I can’t,” I admit freely. “But by protecting yourself, you let others get hurt.”
“And you’re suddenly the morality police?” he huffs.
“No, but I will be one of the people Lauren destroys if you don’t speak up.” I have to convince him to stand up to her. He’s on the fence. All he needs is a little push. “I came back here with nothing. I’m living in a woodshed for fuck’s sake. She destroyed my love life and severely damaged my reputation in Hollywood, all in one fell swoop. The one thing I had going for me was the screenplay, and she even managed to take that away from me too. Trust me, I know what it feels like to lose everything.”
“So you’d put me in the same predicament?” he asks, flabbergasted. “Sorry, Will, but I’m not a loser. I’m a winner.”
“If you threaten Lauren by going after Ryan, you could be more than a winner. You could be a savior.” I let the word linger in the air. In the world of sports, what player doesn’t have a hero complex? “You could save me. You could save Ivy. You could save that unborn baby.”
“And if I confront Lauren about Ryan and she refuses to cooperate, what then?” Ben is considering my proposal. He’s not dead set against it. I can see the gears turning in his mind.
“We call her bluff and I get my screenplay back.” I rub my hands together, giddy with anticipation.
“What do you have on her?” He looks at me expectantly.
“That your brother didn’t sleep with Cassidy.” I wait for the other shoe to drop.
“Wait a minute! What?” Ben mutters, scrambling to recover from his initial shock over my announcement. “But you’ve never even talked to Tim. How do you know he—?”
“Actually fucked Lauren instead?” I interrupt, running my hand down his chest, feeling his muscles tense beneath my fingers. “Let’s just say that when someone gives me an assignment, I do my homework. You knew, but you were never going to tell me, were you?”
“Will, I—” he starts, but I don’t want to hear his excuses.
“You were going to hang me out to dry. I get it. Family comes first.” I withdraw my hand and sit back in the seat. “Your brother must be enjoying the high life, living as a kept man. I bet he’s charging Lauren an exorbitant amount to play the dude who came between Eric and Cassidy, America’s favorite couple. Silence doesn’t come cheap—on either end. He fulfills the role she created for him and she doesn’t ruin your potentially lucrative future as a football star. Tim is probably looking at the big picture, hoping to reap the financial rewards if you do ever make it to the NFL. Fat chance, but don’t tell him that. But then again, I’m not a fan of mutually destructive blackmail.”
“Shut up. You don’t know anything about Tim,” Ben asserts.
“But I have a pretty good idea that he doesn’t like to work for a living and he knows a good thing when he sees it. Lauren would do anything to avoid a scandal with Ryan, and you’re Tim’s meal ticket so there’s no way he was going to let you take the fall. I give him credit for playing the seduction card. Lauren is a sucker for chiseled abs. I mean, what woman can resist a swimmer’s body?” I laugh, but Ben doesn’t join in. “Now don’t be mad. I’m impressed with the gig your brother has going here. She gets him to lie about Cassidy and satisfy her sexual cravings. He preserves your good name and gets her to support him until you hit the big time. Masterfully played. But it can’t feel good to have all of your brother’s expectations heaped onto your shoulders like that. Talk about a ball and chain. I feel sorry for you, my man.”
“I’m not your man,” he remarks snidely.
“I know. You’re still in love with Ryan, even though you can’t have him.” I reach for Ben, but he pushes my hand away. “I’m glad we had some fun together though.”
“What do you want?” He purses his lips like he’d like nothing better than to hit me.
“Ah, ever the pragmatist. I like that about you,” I say, lightly touching my finger to the tip of his nose.
“Get on with it,” he mutters.
“I want my screenplay, and you’re going to get Lauren to give it back.” I watch Ben’s expression carefully, but he’s not giving anything away.
“And what if I can’t get her to do that?” he asks, swallowing hard.
“Oh, I think you will,” I reply like I have all the faith in the world in his persuasive abilities.
“Really?” He pauses, feeling me out. “How do you figure that?”
“Because you still have Ryan Price wrapped around your little finger, whether he wants to admit it or not. He has to feel guilty about the way things ended. I’m sure he’d love to make it up to you. You tell him about how Lauren’s using your brother to manipulate Eric, and he forces her hand. She can’t have Eric find out about her arrangement with your brother and she can’t expose you without hurting Ryan. It’s perfect. Then once the two of you graduate and he gets out from under his father’s thumb, you could have a fresh start together.” I entice him with the prospect, but he’s not biting.
“And what if I don’t want to be with him anymore?” He stares me down, and I smile to hide my surprise.
“Oh, Ben. It was his name you called out last night in this very truck. You can’t fool me. You’re still in love with him.” I play the last move I have, hoping it’ll be enough.
“Of course I still love him, but it doesn’t mean I want to be with him. Not after what he did to Ivy last summer.” This time, he’s the one backing me into a corner.
“You know about that, huh?” I ask, knowing full well I’m venturing into uncharted territory.
“Yeah, and I told her she should tell the cops.” Of course, it’s the right thing to do, but his logic is eluding me.
“And why would you do that? I know Ryan must’ve gotten scared and broke it off, but do you really want your beloved sucking cock behind bars?” I honestly have no idea where Ben is going with this. At this point, I’m just along for the ride.
“Because it’s not about me, asshole. He’s going to hurt some poor, innocent girl, and I can’t stand by and let it happen. I’d report him myself if I could. I love him, but he needs help.” Ben starts to tear up, and I realize there’s more to this story than I imagined.
“What do you mean?” I ask, encouraging him to go on.
“His father created such a sense of self-loathing in him. He doesn’t know how to express love, only pain. I tried to get him to open up to me, but he could never be tender or gentle. He was always cruel, taking whatever he wanted.” He looks at me with such anguish that I want to turn away, but I can’t. “The things he did to me, Will.” He sobs, shaking his head. “But I thought I could change him, get him to see what a normal, loving relationship was like. And he was starting to come around but then his father caught us. Now I know there’s no saving him, especially after what he tried to do to Ivy.”
“Why didn’t you tell someone what he was doing to you?”
“Will, you’re the first gay man I’ve met besides Ryan. Who was I going to talk to about it?” He raises his hands in front of him, imploring me to answer him.
“Are you afraid of Ryan?” I have to get some kind of handle on Ben’s true feelings.