Meant to Be (12 page)

I think Nat and I are having some kind of standoff. And it's probably mostly my fault, but I'm so tired of her putting down Matthew and acting like Ben is such a saint. Worse than that, she's more and more obsessed with fitting in with Ben's friends lately. And it's like I don't even know her anymore.

“Is something wrong between you and Natalie?” my mom asked me today. She wasn't feeling too well this morning, so I took her in a tray with breakfast—well, just toast and one of her weird juice concoctions and some green tea, but she appreciated it.

I played with the edge of her comforter as I sat on the bed, wondering how to best answer her. “Sort of.

“Seems like she hasn't been around in weeks.” Mom sipped her tea then looked at me. “Did you two have a fight?”

“Not exactly! More like a disagreement. And now we're not really talking much.”

“Want to tell me about it?”

I considered this. On one hand I don't like to leave Mom out, but on the other hand I don't like to worry her either. Dad's been kind of protective of her lately, and I'm not really sure how much she can take these days. Not that we ever discuss it much—its kind of like we're still just tiptoeing around and pretending that nothing's wrong. Most of the time I actually believe it too, but looking at her, still in her pink flannel nightgown and her pale face, I wasn't so sure.

“It has to do with boyfriends,” I ventured.

Mom smiled. “Ah-hah.”

So I went ahead and told her about the way Natalie constantly disapproves of Matthew and how I'm completely fed up with it. “It's not that her boyfriend is so great. I mean, I've heard some things about him that are a little questionable, if you ask me.”

Her brows lifted slightly “Did you tell Natalie these, uh, things?”

“No.” Then I studied her expression. “Do you think I should?”

She sighed. “No, not necessarily. You already know how it feels to have someone coming down on your boyfriend. And has Natalie's disapproval changed how you feel about Matthew?”

I shook my head. “Not really If anything it probably
makes me more defensive of him. He really is a nice guy, Mom.”

She nodded. “And Natalie might feel the same way about her guy too.”

I had to smile. “Thanks, Mom.”

“For what?”

“For being so wise.”

She smiled. “Maybe we do get smarter with age.”

“You're not that old, Mom.”

“I feel old today, Kim.”

I didn't know what to say to that.

Then she smiled again. “But this breakfast is just what I needed, sweetheart. And I think it's going to be a sunny day today. I'd like to plant some annuals.”

“Need any help?”

“That'd be lovely.”

So I spent a couple of hours helping Mom to plant petunias and pansies and marigolds this afternoon. Mostly she directed me from where she was sifting in a sunny spot on the porch. But I didn't’ mind doing the actual work, and to my surprise it didn't look half bad by the time I was done.

I was just packing some soil around the last petunia when I heard my mom calling out “hello” to someone. I looked up in time to see Natalie climbing out of their old Toyota pickup with some bags in her hands. Judging by the colors and logos, I could see they probably contained clothing. Naturally, this aroused my curiosity since Nat is
normally pretty tight with money. Although now that I think of it, I have noticed that her wardrobes been improving since she started dating Ben.

“Hey,” Nat called back. “Hows it going?”

“Good,” my mom returned. “Isn't it a beautiful day?”

To my surprise Natalie started walking toward us; I expect this was on account of my mom. In fact, I wasn't even sure that Nat had spotted me from where I was still hunched over on the far side of the porch as I spread the last of the mulch around my recently planted blooms. I stood up and brushed my dirty hands on my overalls and said, “Hey, Nat.”

“Oh, Kim,” she said. “I didn't even see you. What's.

“I'm playing gardener today.” I came out of the flower bed and over to the porch steps. “Looks like you've been doing some shopping.”

She seemed kind of embarrassed by this. “Just a few spring things I picked up at Nordies.”

Now I almost questioned this—I mean, Nat's the one who always says Nordstrom's way too expensive—but I kept my mouth shut. However, I'm sure she was reading my mind.

“They were on sale,” she said quickly as if to explain.

I nodded and went over to stand next to where Mom was sitting in the wicker rocker.

“How are you feeling, Mrs. Peterson?”

“Wonderful, Natalie.” Mom took in a deep breath and
slowly exhaled. “With the sunshine and the flowers planted…well, its been a perfectly lovely day.”

“Are you tired?” I asked suddenly, realizing that she usually has an afternoon nap and it was already nearly four.

She slowly stood up. “Yes, I think G? go catch a little rest before your dad gets back. You girls go ahead and chat without me.”

Okay, I knew what she was getting at, but there was no way I was going to force Natalie to stick around and “chat.” We both watched silently as my mom slowly went into the house.

“Everything okay with you guys?” Nat finally said after the door shut behind my mom.

I turned and looked at her, fighting to cover the exasperation that was building inside of me. “What do you mean by okay?”

“I mean, how's your mom doing, Kim. You know I'm still praying for her. I'm still believing for a miracle.”

I studied Nat now. Just then everything about her seemed entirely different to me—like I didn't even know her anymore. And yet she seemed slightly familiar too. “Thanks,” I told her. “We appreciate it.”

“She looks pretty good,” Nat continued in her normal upbeat and positive way. “Like she's getting better.”

“She doesn't have a lot of energy,” I said, ever the realist.

“But she does seem to be in good spirits,” Nat
continued. “I guess some healings just take time. We have to be patient and keep praying and believing.”

I just shrugged and looked away.

“Are you still trusting God with this, Kim?”

I looked back at her. Who was she to question my faith? After all, this was my mother we were discussing here. But I didn't say anything.

“You've got to trust Him completely, Kim. You've got to believe that God is healing her. It will strengthen your prayers.”

I just sighed and sat in the rocker, “Yeah, whatever.”

Natalie looked concerned now. “You're not falling away from God, are you, Kim? I mean, that can happen when you spend too much time with nonbeßevers, and I know how Matthew is a pretty big influence in your life. I still pray for you guys and that he'll get saved.”

I felt like I was a teakettle, and the heat beneath me kept getting hotter and hotter, and I was seriously worried that I was going to blow. But I kept my lips sealed tightly. Maybe it's my Asian genes, who knows, but I guess I have pretty good self-control. Well, most of the time anyway. Still, it was all I could do not to explode all over her.

“Are you mad at me, Kim?”

Of course, Nat's known me long enough to realize that not only was I mad, but I was suppressing something as well. Even so I was determined not to give her the satisfaction of seeing me lose my cool. That would probably just help convince her that she
was right, that I had fallen away from God's grace and that it was all due to my sinful relationship with the heathen Matthew. No way was I going there.

Tm not mad at you, Nat,” I said rather coolly. “In a way, I feel kind of sorry for you.”

She blinked. “You're sorry for me?”

“Yeah.” I stood up now, leaning against one of the posts and just evenly looking at her. “I mean, you've been out shopping, I'm sure to impress your new friends, but I know you can't afford it. And Nordstroms? You used to hate that store. What's up with that?”

“For your information, my dad finally sent me some money.”

“Really?” Of course, I wanted to ask why she's wasting it on stupid clothes that probably cost way too much and will be out of style by next week anyway. Especially when she should be saving it for college or something more important, like helping out on her mom's credit card bills, which last I heard were really bringing her down. But I simply said, “That was nice of him.”

“Yeah, it was.”

“So how are things with you and Ben?” I asked, actually feeling curious about how their relationship was going.

She shrugged. “Okay.”

“Just okay?”

She looked away, and I could tell she was feeling a little uncomfortable like she did not want to have this conversation.

“Sorry,” I said quickly, hiding my pleasure at hitting a nerve. “It's none of my business.”

“How are things with you and Matthew?” she said.

“Great,” I told her with a big smile. “Things couldn't be better.”

She seemed to study me then, as if not entirely convinced that everything really was great between Matthew and me. “Well, good for you. But just the same, Kim, you better be careful.”

I felt my teeth grinding together as she said those all-too-familiar words. And despite my resolve to just chill and not get all riled, I couldn't stop myself. “You better be careful too, Nat.” And the tone of my voice was not very loving or kind and certainly not a bit Christlike. But it was too late. It was out there.

Her eyes narrowed slightly. “What do you mean by that?”

Now I realized I could stop, but it's like there was this mean streak running through me, or maybe the devil made me do it. But I kept on going. “I mean, from what I've heard, you'd better be careful too. Just because a guy is a Christian doesn't mean that he's perfect.”

“Who have you been talking to?”

I didn't answer her, but I could tell by her expression that I'd really hit a touchy spot. I just folded my arms across my front and watched her, and she was almost squirming. Okay, that might've been my evil imagination.

“Come on, Kim. What have you heard?”

“You know if we were still friends, and if we had the
kind of trust that we used to have, I might be able to tell you. As it is, I'm sorry I even opened my mouth right now.” Okay, guilt kicked in and I softened up a little. And I could tell by her eyes that she was seriously troubled. “And the truth is,” I said with sincerity, “I still care about you, and I really wouldn't want to see you getting hurt. So seriously, why don't you take your own advice for a change, okay? You be careful too.”

Well, she was pretty speechless after that. And I was feeling a little sorry that I'd opened my big fat mouth. So much for that Asian self-control gene. Anyway, we both said an awkward good-bye, and she headed back over to her house. The way she walked reminded me of a kicked dog, and I knew that I was the one who'd done the kicking. And even though I should be feeling like slug slime, I was feeling just a little bit smug. like one point for Kim. How pathetic is that?

Okay, I do still care about her, and I do wish we were still friends. Just the same, I have to admit that I got some satisfaction out of hurting her just now. And I know that was totally wrong, and that I'm a pretty poor excuse for a Christian, and I'm sure God wasn't too pleased with me today. But I'm not exactly sure what I should do to remedy this. Besides confessing my sins to God, which I've already done. I suppose I'll need to do something with Nat too. But I try to forget about this as I answer some letters for the column. It just figures that one of the ones I pick out is about friendship.