Measuring Up (23 page)

He nods yes, then stands, pulling a foil package out of his wallet and setting it on the bedside table. Next he pulls his shirt off and it lands on the floor. His shorts come off next, kicked into a pile with his shirt. He’s wearing nothing but his boxers, and he’s beautiful. I find my way to my feet, my hands touch his stomach, his chest, his shoulders, his back. I’m exploring him the way he said I could. The warmth of his skin singes my fingers in the most delicious way.

“Can I?” His hands are at the bottom of my shirt, and they’re shaking gently.

Unable to find words, I nod. Tegan pulls his shirt over my head. I’m in my bra. In my bra in front of a boy and there’s no embarrassment because it’s him and he loves me and I can do anything with Tegan by my side.

With those same shaky fingers, he pushes the button through its hole, slides down my zipper and my pants are gone too. Now his fingers touch me
, my thighs, my stomach, and
it feels so good. Like nothing I’ve ever felt. Like each touch is a vibration flooding out so I feel him everywhere. The brush of his fingers is like a feather tickling me from head to toe. The epicenter of an earthquake.  Wherever he touches me is that epicenter, but the aftershocks, the vibrations can be felt everywhere else in my body.

“I want to lie
down with you,” he says against my ear, kissing me there. He leads me into his bed. “Are you sure?”

“Yes.”

“Are you scared?”

“A little.”

“You’re beautiful.”

“So are you.”

Tegan settles on top of me,
taking my mouth. He removes
my bra and panties. I take off his boxers. There’s more touching, him on me and me on him. We’re both on an adventure to discover a new land. After so much touching I think I’m going to unravel, he opens the foil
package. When we’re protected, he’s above me again. Our mouths come together and then our bodies, meet in the same way: exploring depths, dancing in unison to a tune that’s only ours.

Finally, we both really do unravel, and we do it together.

***

“Can I tell you a secret?”

“You can tell me anything.”

“I know.” But then he doesn’t. He’s quiet for what feels like a lifetime.

“I’m… I’m mad at Timmy.” I’ve thought I heard pain in Tegan’s voice before. Thought I heard heartbreak, tenseness, but those times were nothing compared to the statement he just made. It’s like he had to rip each word` out, breaking a part of him in the process.

“Tegan, you’re too hard on yourself. You would do anything for your brother.” Ugh. What a lame thing to say, but he caught me by surprise and I’m lost—lost on how to help him through whatever it is he’s dealing with.

“I would. Anything. I’d take his place if I could and, hell, I don’t know. Maybe mad isn’t the right word, it’s just…” His arm wraps tighter around me. “We had everything, Annabel Lee. I was always running around, having fun, playing sports, getting into trouble. Timmy was only eleven, but loved football. H
e could throw a ball better than
people my age. We were always out practicing, playing together. My parents—they were happy. So happy. We all were.”

Tiny drops of water roll off his face and onto me. Tegan. The strong, responsible boy who can handle anything is crying and there’s nothing I can do. I want to make it better for him like he’s done for me. Take his pain the way he would take Tim’s paralysis. But I can’t. All I can do is listen.

“I didn’t even want to fucking play that day, but I went. One hit. One screwed up hit was all it took, Annabel. How does that even hap
pen? How can your body break that
easily?”

“I don’t know.” I wish I did. Wish Tegan and his family never had to deal with this.

My tears are now mixing with his. Every part of us has come together now.

“You know what? It’s not Timmy I’m upset with, it’s just the whole thing. One minute we have everything and then we’re the family with the crippled brother and the dad who ran out on them. How could he do that?”

Tegan’s voice cracks, the sound shattering me into a million different pieces. I kiss
h
is hair, his cheek, his chest. It’s so small, such a nothing thing to do, but it’s all I have.

“I
hate
him. I use to look up to him, but I will
never
let myself be the kind of man he is.” Tegan seeth
e
s. “What kind of person walks away from their family like that? When it gets hard, who just bails like that?”

It’s then I know the answers to all the questions I’ve wondered about Tegan. “That’s why you do it, isn’t it? That’s why you work so hard. Why you try to be there for everything with Timmy, help your mom. Your trying to make up for him, aren’t you?”

I thought I loved him before. Thought I knew what it meant to love someone—to know someone, but at this moment, everything I knew then is so small compared to what I know—how I feel about him now.

“I needed to know that people don’t just walk away… I needed to prove it, to them and to me. That I could be the person he wasn’t—the one they deserved. Who would t
ake care of responsibilities no
matter how hard it is because that’s what you do when you love someone. It’s the right thing to do.”

“You’re incredible.”

He shakes his head. “Not really because I’m pissed too. So mad that Dad is out there doing whatever the hell he wants while I’m working like crazy. I’m so pissed about everything that was taken from me. How shitty is that? Timmy is in a wheelchair, but I think about what I’ve missed.”

Could he take on any
more responsibility? “Anyone would feel like that. What matters is you’re doing it. You’re doing it because you love them.”

Tegan rolls over so he faces me. His finger slides down the side of my face when he speaks. “That first day, when you helped? Part of me was mad because it was such a small thing to do, helping with the chair, but you did it. Not knowing us you did it, but our own dad took off? You hung out with Mom and Timmy, played basketball with them. Had fun. You wanted to be there, but our dad doesn’t?”

Leaning forward, I kiss him, just because I can’t
not
do it.

“Want to know another secret?” he asks.

“I want to know anything you want to tell me.”

He tries to smile at me, but it doesn’t reach his eyes. “I don’t know if I really want to be a physical therapist. I mean, I think I do. I enjoy what I do now even though it’s different. The body really is amazing to me. The things it can do and how it works. I think it’s what I want, but I don’t know. I can’t say for sure and it scares the hell out of me that I’m going to do it, that I’ll sign up for it and realize it’s not what I want for my life, but how can I not? How can I not try and fix Timmy? It’s like… like it feels like that’s walking away from him just like our dad did.”

“Oh, Tegan,
no
one expects you to try and fix it. You can’t change it and I know your mom or Tim wouldn’t want you to jump into something you don’t want.”

He gives me another smile before pulling my head down so it rests against his bare chest. “The only thing I’m sure about is you. When I’m with you, it’s the only time I feel like I can just,
be
. It’s the only time I don’t want all the pressure on me.”

I start to cry again, because as much as I hate to see him hurt, it feels good to know I do something for him. That after everything he’s done, I somehow have a way to give him something back. “You’re wrong, you know. Earlier you said no one’s perfect. I’m pretty sure you are.”

His chest vibrates against my cheek when he laughs. “No, but thanks for inflating my ego again. I needed it. I can’t believe I
cried
in front of you.”

I trace the muscles in his chest and stomach, trying not to let him just push this aside, to forget himself like he always does. “I mean it, Tegan. No one wants you to try and make up for something that wasn’t your fault. They love you. I love you. Ahh!”

He flips me over so he’s on top of me again. “I love you, too.” Then with a mischievous smile that is so him, “Want to do it again?”

Chapter Twenty-One

OPPOSITES

Did u talk to ur mom? Is she pissed at you?

My lips automatically stretch into a smile as I read Tegan’s text. Even though it’s 10:00 PM, the night
after
I lost my virginity to Tegan and we spent the whole day together, I’ve only been home about forty-five minutes and he’s already texting.

No, didn’t talk. She told me to nver stay out overnight again, but that’s all
. I hit reply.

Sorry. Don’t want u in trouble. Don’t want u to fight over me.

I’m not in trouble and we nver get along. No big.

I miss you.

My heart starts to pitter-patter.
I miss you too.

I love u.

I love u, too
.

Nice. Ferris Buhler’s on. Old school, but love it.

I’ve never watched it. I text back.

What? It’s one of my favs. Watch it with me?

I want to, so bad, but I know I can’t leave again. My parents definitely wouldn’t let me get away with it twice.
Can’t leave


I
know. Turn it on. Channel 58.

Suddenly, I get all giddy. It’s a dumb thing to get excited about after everything that’s happened, but hey, I never claimed I’d be good at all this stuff. For me, wanting to watch a movie with me, while we’re texting ranks pretty high on the sweetness scale. I pick up my remote, turn it on, and settle into my bed. It’s on.

Are u in ur room?

Yeah.

Damn. Can’t get a visual cuz I’ve never seen it.

With shaky fingers I text him a brief description of my room.

Thx. I’m on the couch, in the living room.

Okay. Oh, Matthew Broderick. Forgot he’s in this.

Shh. I like this part ;)

I can’t help it, I smile. We finish watching our movie together, Tegan texting me during all his favorite parts. LOL-ing w
hen he laughs
. All too soon the movie is over.

Going to bed. Meet me in AM to jog?

Absolutely.

Love u, Annabel Lee.

I love u too.

***

Tegan’s there when I step out of the car the next morning. “Hey, you.” I’m tentative when I step toward him, waiting for the insecurities to hit, the nerves or something. Waiting to see how he’ll react. It’s a big deal to see the person you had sex with for the first time afterward. A defining moment, I think. Are there any regrets? Do we feel weird? Did it change anything? Add in our talk from that night and it makes it an even bigger deal.

“Hey. You look nice. Did you put make-up on to run?” He locks his hands around my waist and pulls me toward him. My eyes automatically cast downward and Tegan chuckles. “Annabel, you don’t have to try and impress me.”

“I know. It’s lame. I just…” Have no idea how to explain without looking like a moron. Why did I put make up on? This boy has seen me with no layers, seen me laid bare in a way no one else ever has. And I’ve seen him the same way. “I have no idea what I was thinking.”

“You were probably distracted by pure excitement at the thought of seeing me. I get it. I seem to have that affect—ouch. Don’t pinch me. Why are you always beating me up?”

“You will never change. Not that I want you to. Ever. I should have known I can always be comfortable with you. That I don’t need to try so hard.”

“You don’t have to try at all.” He pushes my hair behind my ear. “I know who you are and you’re who I want.” His lips capture mine. It’s different and the same, kissing him afterward. I like it even more.

A few seconds later, I break the kiss. “Come on. Run with me.”

“Slave driver,” he teases, already starting to jog. Easily, I fall in line with him, keeping pace. Maybe even setting it.

***

Tegan hasn’t texted me for two days. Let me rephrase that, he’s replied to my texts, one or two word answers, he’s even told me he loves me the couple times we actually spoke on the phone, but he hasn’t called first. He hasn’t texted first.

For the first time since the beginning, there’s a weight in my stomach when I pull up at Let’s Get Physical. It’s fighting to hold me down, to pull me under. The harder I try and swim to shore, the more I tell myself I’m imagining things, that nothing’s different. He’s just busy like he says, the heavier the weight becomes, the harder I have to fight.

I’m a worrier, right? Always waiting for the other shoe to drop—which is about the dumbest saying in the world, if you ask me, but that has to be what this is. Tegan wouldn’t be pulling away. It’s not him. Unlike me, he’s not a runner.

I turn off the engine to see him waiting for me out front, like always. See? Everything’s okay, I try and tell myself. He pushes off the wall and comes toward me.