Melt (10 page)

      I call her Dorothy not

Doll

‘cause I don't wanna make Pop think of them

dolls

and how she

looks

like

them.

      I tell her it's

okay I don't know what else to do.

      Pop tells her to

get up

I say let her put a shirt on for chrissakes

he tells me to toss it to her. I throw her

mine it's longer covers her

more. He lets go long enough for her to

poke her head and arms through the

holes tears and snot's smeared all over her face she's still

beautiful

though

then he grabs her arm he says, Let's

go.

      Where're you taking her, I ask I start to climb off the bed to follow but Pop says, Wait

here.

He says, She's going in the

closet.

      No Pop no please not the closet, I beg she'll be so

scared in there it's

so

dark.

      But he's taking her he don't give a fuck there's

nothing

I can do so I tell her, Close your eyes Dorothy

close

your

eyes and make a

game in your

head.

      I tell her, Don't worry ‘bout me I'll be fine just

close your eyes

play a game it'll be

okay.

Dorothy

      He

shoves me

in

I

fall against plastic covered clothes they

swoosh he says keep

quiet or it'll be worse on my

boyfriend does he even

think of him as his

son

god he's gonna hurt him.

      The door

slams

shut the key

clicks it's so

dark so

tight in here and Joey's

out

there

with a

madman.

      What if he

snaps and kills him what if he

kills

us

both?

      A scream wells in my

throat but I

choke

it

back feels like I'm suffocating on

phlegm and the smell of

mothballs. I

sink

I curl on the

floor I

stretch Joey's shirt over my

knees slide my arms

inside the sleeves I

cocoon

myself.

I clamp my eyes squeeze

them squeeze

them Joey said

keep

them

shut Joey said play a game so

I

do.

      I think of a

jump

rope I'm in the middle of a

jump

rope it swings itself round round

round it

slaps

the ground it

whips

around I

jump

jump jump oh god I'm so

scared I

force myself I jump I

jump

I

jump.

Joey

      He comes back in just as I get my jeans buttoned he's got that

steel

look he always has for

Mom.

      He hates me he hates us

all and I don't even know

why.

      I wanna ask again for him to

let

her

go but I don't ‘cause I know it's

useless he thrives on this shit

hurting

us its like what two

double

AAs

mean to the Energizer Bunny he can go on and

on and

on ….

      He takes out his gun I guess he means to

scare me but he

don't I'm too far

gone to care all I care ‘bout is

her.

      Her white blouse it's crumpled up next to my pillow I reach for it I

touch

it

it's something of her to hold onto.

      He smashes steel against my face feels like I'm torn

open feels like my teeth are

knocked clean out I check for them with my tongue they're still all in

place I'm bleeding but I don't

care.

      He presses the muzzle of his Glock against my neck it's cold it's

chilling shivers run through me down my spine.

      He clicks the safety off. He ain't gonna shoot

me that much

I know.

He might beat the crap outta me but he ain't gonna shoot wish I could tell that to the little

raised

hairs on the back of my neck he ain't gonna

shoot

me and I ain't gonna

cry.

      Fuck him.

      Maybe that's why Mom stopped crying. Maybe she's giving him the big

F you

when she takes it all so calm. All this time I thought she was giving in but maybe she's telling him to

fuck off

wouldn't that be something.

      So I'm doing okay ‘til I think of Dorothy again all

alone

in that closet and then I gotta fight

hard for the first time in I don't know when I

fight

off

the

tears.

      He always said he didn't wanna see no

tears he always warned

us not to

cry but I think now maybe he was

glad when we did it because it meant we were completely

down

pinned to the mat.

      He looks at me his eyes are

solid blocks of ice motionless and

frozen.

      He's a cobra he's coiled and ready he's always

ready to

strike.      

      He's cold-

blooded cold-

hearted the more he pounds on me the

calmer he gets the more his temperature

drops.

      He don't smell neither somehow he don't

sweat he don't get

worked

up

at all.

      He's got those

cold

snake

eyes

their ice seeps into me it

melts into my

soul he strikes

he strikes he

strikes

striking's all he knows.

Dorothy

      I jump

jump

jump

to the beat of my

heart steady steady

steady

not too fast or I'll

fall

I squeeze

my eyes jump

jump he's hurting Joey he's

hurting Joey he's hurting

Joey

I jump I jump I

jump.

Joey

      
He hits me again and I see stars it's not just an expression that shit

really

happens.

      I'm holding onto her blouse like a

lifeline wish I could put it to my

face breathe in her

scent but I know I'm

covered

in

red I don't wanna stain it.

      He

slams

me a few more times I lose track of how many I'm slurping down

blood I wanna

pass

out I wanna

sleep I wanna be

gone so bad but I hold on for

her

I gotta be awake I gotta get her out somehow. If I give in I don't

know when I'll be back so I

hold

on.

      I guess he gets tired or bored he

stops he says there better be no next time or

else

he leaves it at that and believe me that's

enough

as I drink my blood cocktail makes me think of ‘ole Holden Caulfield where's my

straw.

My face feels like a

slab

of beef ready to serve up with

potatoes

I guess I know what a cow goes through getting pulverized do they

at least

kill

it

first?

      He's walking

away he says he's gotta get back to

work he says he came by to get his

sunglasses.

      I can barely move my jaw or my

puffed

up

lips but I do it

I call out to him I say,

Pop

can I have the key?

      He stands there I can't be sure ‘cause my eyes are all

swollen but I think he's smiling.

Bastard.

      I say,

Pop

please let me get her out.

      I say it again I say,

Please.

      The key it

lands on my lap it makes just the smallest thud it's like that
Horton Hears a Who!
book Mom

used to read me but I hear it ‘cause there's no other noise in here ‘cept for me breathing.

      He's

gone but I call out to him again I call him back.

      What, he says.

      I say,

Pop.

      I cough I swallow more blood Jesus Christ does it ever

stop coming I

clutch the closet key in my

hand the jagged ridges press in my palm I say,

Pop

if you

touch

her

again

I'll kill you.

      He laughs that motherfucking prick laughs like I said something funny.

      He keeps on

laughing

all down the hall.

Dorothy

      Jump jump jump jump jump jump jump

jump

jump.

Eight

Joey

      
He broke her.

      She's sobbing she's

leaning into me

sobbing she's shaking

shaking she's

quivering

in

my

arms.

      When I opened the door there she was

huddled up on the floor

tucked inside my shirt like a turtle goes in its

shell when it's scared she was

rocking kind of

swaying she wasn't

crying she was

chanting something to herself I think ‘cause her mouth

moved but she wasn't saying nothing and she wouldn't

open her

eyes.

      I bent down by her I said, Doll it's

me.

      I touched her shoulder god that felt

so

good

touching her again but she didn't

move she didn't

flinch she didn't

stop her chanting.

I said, He's

gone.

But she wouldn't

look at me she wouldn't even

nod I wasn't sure if she

knew I was there her lips they kept

going with no sound coming out and all I could think was

he broke her.

      I picked her

up from the floor I

carried her into the

hall. She was like

dead

weight

in my arms but her body heat

pulsing into my chest it felt

oh so alive.

I told her

it's

okay

now

and that's when the tears came.

      She won't open

her

eyes she's

crying she's crying she's

shivering christ what can I

do?

      I'm so sorry, I say so

useless I'm

useless I can't

help her now and I couldn't

stop

him from hurting her from

breaking

her she's

trembling

I can't stand it

he

broke

her.

      I wanna fix her I wanna make her feel

good put her

back

together oh god

he

broke

her.

      Her tears run down my shoulder my neck my

back they tingle they make me

forget my throbbing face for a second. My blood

globs in her hair I'm

ruining her

even

more now I bend my head to kiss her cheek the

salt from her tears stings it

burns.

      My blood her tears they

mix

together looks like a runny cheap salsa she's shaking

shaking she won't open her eyes what have I

done

to

her?

      I do the thing I

can do the

one thing I

know

how to do the

only thing

I'm good at.

      I touch her

touch

her touch

her she makes this

one

little startled cry and

then she

stops.

      She stops crying.

      Thank god she stops

crying her body

loosens she stops

trembling

she lets out a sigh and she

drifts

to

sleep.

 

      She's resting

now she's

dozing in my

arms I've got her back

in my arms I

nuzzle

her

hair I breathe breathe

breathe

her

in and then I

let

go finally I can let

go I can

rest I

follow

her

lead I

sleep.

Dorothy

      I wake up sticky so sticky coated I feel painted with something I open my eyes I see I'm covered in his

blood.

      God his face his beautiful

face it's like he's been hit by a train

he's

wrecked.

      He's asleep I fight off the tears I don't want to wake him.

      My head's throbbing it's so hard to think

clearly I feel

fractured

I've got to pull myself together I've got to be

strong for him for

us.

Joey

      
She's awake she's watching me when I

come back

when I wake up. She's got this

pity on her face and I think, god what I must

look

like and I hate it

so much

that she has to worry ‘bout me on top of everything else.

      She shouldn't have to feel bad for

me

this ain't her fault.

      She kisses my

hideous

swelled

lips I wince I can't help myself

it's like a bolt of pain's been shot through me and her eyes they get all wide she apologizes and I say, Don't.

      Slowly it's so hard to talk through my redesigned jaw I say, Don't be sorry

ever

you are the one

right

thing in my life and I don't care how

much

it

hurts

I want you to kiss me.

      But of course she

don't

kiss me again ‘cause she just

can't

bring herself to now that

she

knows it hurts me she's the

only

person I ever met who cares like that.

      So much there's

so

much

swarming through my

head

now

way too much to say or even

understand

but she strokes my hair and I feel all her

caring and somehow

she does understand

I know she does

and she

whispers, Joey

why didn't you

tell

me?      

      And out of all my reasons my

twenty

thousand reasons why I couldn't tell her the most

selfish

one pops up in my

pulsing

thrashed

mind

I think, Because you'll leave.

      And I don't wanna say it ‘cause I'm so scared it's true and I'm scared of my thoughts and I'm scared of this

whole

bullshit

world

what chance do we got but a voice inside pipes up it says I gotta

tell her

and I know it's right I been

keeping it all inside

way

too

long.

      I'm

afraid you're gonna leave me, I tell her.

      I tell her, I'm

afraid it's the

right

thing for you to do.

      She

touches me

again she runs her fingers through my hair she says all

soft, I won't leave you Joey.

      And I

believe

her I know she means it and something

bursts

inside

me and that's when I

lose it I

cry I cry I

cry.

      I can't remember the last time I

cried I

sob into her shoulder and my face it's on fire from

touching

her and from the

tears but it feels so

good

even though it feels so bad

‘cause it's coming

coming

coming

it's been such a

long

time

coming.

      She

holds

me while I cry no one's

ever

done that

for me

she holds me while I

cry.

Dorothy

      He's crying.

      Thank god, he's crying.

Joey

      The tears finally slow and I feel really

good for someone who just got my

face

smashed

in. I feel cleared. Like I

cleared

the

way

for me to tell her

everything.

      So I spill it all out. Slow and clogged

sniffling and snuffling

throbbing

there's thumping in my head like an elephant's stomping my brain

through

all

this

I tell her ‘bout how me and my brothers we watch our mom get her ass kicked just about every day that for us it's part of the routine like brushing our teeth. I tell her ‘bout how

Pop

always said not to cry not to say nothing or we'd be

next. I tell her ‘bout the

closet how I been locked in there

all

these

years in my mind I tell her ‘bout

Mom's

dolls the whole truth how

Pop

hated

them and god I should never have brought her here what the hell was I thinking?

      I tell her, You really need to go home and never never see me again.

      And I mean it I

do.

Look at her covered in my blood and tears and snot look what

he

did

to her

to me

and the most damage it's what you

can't

see.

It's gonna be worse next time I can't protect her from him I'm a big punk pussy all the boxing lessons in the world ain't gonna change that they ain't gonna give me the courage to stand up to him

next

time

he's gonna shatter her he's gonna smash us

both

to

bits.

      She looks me in the eyes.

She looks she

looks she

looks

me

in

the

eyes.

      I never seen more truth in my life than what's in her eyes

right

now

it sears into me it melts through my

shame she looks at me and

she

says, Joey we'll find our way

through

this.

      She

says,

Joey I love you.