Merry Wives of Maggody (37 page)

“An itsy-bitsy teeny weenie?” Bony said with exaggerated innocence.

“It is not!” Natalie said, then inhaled sharply. “I mean, that’s a cruel thing to say. You shouldn’t talk about anybody like that. The Hollywood studs aren’t pounding on your trailer door, Bopeep Buchanon or what ever your name is.”

“They’re the only ones who aren’t,” Eula said out of the corner of her mouth.

Bopeep curled her fingers. I decided it was time to return to the topic at hand. “Did you tell anybody about Da King’s boat, Luke?”

“Her,” he muttered, tilting his head in Bopeep’s direction.

Proodle’s jowls quivered. “You made those threatening calls, you common hussy? You deserve time at a prison. Chief Hanks, arrest her for terrorist threatening!”

“Not yet.” I saw Harve and his deputies park behind my car. At least they’d save me from having to transport the perp to Farberville and locate an available cell. Boys with red bandanas on their arms had gathered behind my audience. It was going to be interesting to hear what they had to say about the purported holes-in-one, but it could wait. “I did consider the possibility that Bopeep might have killed Tommy Ridner to make sure Proodle got the boat back. He could then be coerced into handing it over or paying twenty or thirty thousand.”

“
She
demanded fifty,” Proodle said. “I was supposed to get it tomorrow and wait for instructions. Small, unmarked bills and that nonsense. Why haven’t you arrested her?”

“Kiss my ass,” Bopeep said in her own defense.

“We’re getting there,” I said, irritated at all of them. No one had so much as mentioned the two murders that had taken place in the last thirty-six hours. I would never again look at any boat without being repulsed. I made a mental note to tell Jack that a honeymoon cruise was out.

Mrs. Jim Bob had regained her authoritarian demeanor, although she was somewhat stymied. Lottie had the ultimate symbol of power—the clipboard. I watched her assess the potential loss of dignity if she hitched up her skirt to climb onto the table.

She opted to stand on the bench. “This is all very interesting, I’m sure. However, the awards presentation is scheduled for two o’clock sharp. Since no one bothered to finish the round, the first place trophy will be awarded to yesterday’s winner—Bonaparte Buchanon.”

“And the bass boat?” demanded Jim Bob.

“Well, I did make the
first
hole-in-one. Filbert Buchanon was the hole monitor on the twelfth hole and will certify the time of my shot.”

Jim Bob growled. “Axle Hammerjack’ll certify my time at one minute earlier than your time. Ain’t that right, Axle?”

“He most certainly will not,” Mrs. Jim Bob said firmly. “Go ahead, Filbert—tell them I made the first hole-in-one. You
do
remember, don’t you?”

“Axle,” Jim Bob said, “speak up afore I choke it out of you.”

Axle was too busy looking for an escape hatch to reply. Filbert was twitching like a palsied frog. Everyone stared at them, and a lot of eyebrows were rising. The average IQ in Maggody doesn’t approach triple digits, but most everybody comes in out of the rain eventually. Even Kevin was getting suspicious. Filbert broke first. Howling, he took off down the road past Raz’s shack. Axle caught up with him before they disappeared from view.

Lottie handed me her whistle, and I blew it until I had center stage. “No one is going anywhere or doing anything until these murders are cleared up. The boat is just a… well, just a boat with half a million dollars’ worth of cocaine in its bow. Two men died yesterday, one after midnight and the other early in the afternoon. And on my watch.” I took a deep breath as I looked them over. Did I want to raise a child in this environment? I’d endured it only because Ruby Bee wasn’t a bigot, a drunk, or a fool. Decidedly in the minority.

“Uh, Arly,” Kevin said, “you ain’t wearing a watch.”

I gave the whistle back to Lottie so I could put my hands on my hips. “All right, we now know why Proodle was so upset when Tommy made the hole-in-one. He may have wanted to kill him, but he’s all bluster, no guts. If he’d known about the cocaine, it wouldn’t have been in the boat. The same goes for Luke, who had plenty of opportunities to remove the cocaine the last few nights.”

Bopeep wiggled her finger at Luke. “What if he tried last night, and Tommy caught him in the act?”

“Tommy was too drunk to do anything,” I said. “Whoever wanted to get to the cocaine might have had to wait for a few minutes, until Tommy staggered away or passed out. There was no reason to kill him. I believe nobody in town knew about the cocaine, with the exception of the gentleman from the DEA.” I gestured at the man who’d been haunting Ruby Bee’s. “He wanted to see if Da King had tipped off a supplier.”

“Then no one here had anything to do with it,” Mrs. Jim Bob said. “Now that we’ve settled that, I think it’s time to—”

“It’s time to consider other motives for the two murders,” I continued. “Kathleen Wasson, for example, wanted the boat because it was worth a lot of money. Kale had a reasonable chance of winning it, once Tommy was out of the picture. Money, bragging rights, publicity—one step closer to a golf scholarship.”

“I can understand why you thought that, Chief Hanks,” she said in a mild voice. “It crossed my mind while I was driving to Tibia. It was only when I got home that I realized Kale had taken his blue shirt out of his suitcase intentionally. He is still my son, and I will defend him, but I’ll be damned if I’m going to put up with his shit any longer.” She spun around and looked him in the eye. “You’d better get a job if you want to go to college, because I’m not paying for any more golf tournaments. That nice Mr. Thigpen who lives on the corner wants me to go line dancing with him. I need a new wardrobe.”

Kale retreated a few inches. “You got it all wrong, Ma. I never touched my shirt. You’re the one who screwed up. I had to have it so I could have a second chance to win the boat for you. I swear it.”

“Stuff it,” she said.

I waited a moment in case she wanted to bawl him out for a while longer. When she looked away, I said, “Since you’re in the limelight, Kale, let’s discuss your motive. You didn’t care all that much about the boat, did you? You cared about Natalie, and well beyond infatuation. Not only couldn’t you have her, you had to watch Tommy hugging and caressing her Friday and Saturday night in the barroom. An old guy with a belly, groping her in front of your face. That must have made you angry.”

“He didn’t deserve her,” Kale said, his expression surly. “So what if I was angry? I didn’t kill the guy.”

“But did you break into his room and trash it?” I asked.

“The door wasn’t locked. Anybody could have done it.”

“How do you know the door wasn’t locked?”

Kale ducked his face, but his ears resembled red rose petals.

“Okay, so maybe I went in his room. I only had a couple of minutes before I had to get to my room. I figured my mother could be back anytime after midnight. I kept an eye out for her while we were taking shots at the stoplight, just in case she drove back into town.”

“That’s why Proodle didn’t see you in the back parking lot,” I said. “You were already in Tommy’s room.” I did not mention whom Proodle
had
seen. It would surface at some point, and the ensuing melee would make the Battle of Manassas look like a Labor Day picnic. Janna, Natalie, Luke, Kale, and Bopeep; none of them would back down, and none of them would take prisoners.

“He was a jerk,” Kale muttered. “I thought maybe he left his wallet in there.”

“It was in the boat,” I said. “There was cash in it, so I had to rule out scavengers. I had great hope I could still pin the murders on one of our local citizens, but it wouldn’t fly. The wives had flounced home in their petticoats, so they couldn’t have known about the stoplight nonsense. As for husbands, they were too drunk to scratch their balls. From what I heard, none of them was capable of crawling to the SuperSaver parking lot. Forget climbing in the boat. They’re all wearing the clothes they had on Saturday morning, and nobody’s sporting bloodstains. Grease and ketchup stains, yes. The stench of whiskey and beer, sweat, and muck could kill a skunk. Let’s hope PETA doesn’t hear about this.”

Mrs. Jim Bob tapped on her wristwatch. “It’s five minutes ’til two.”

I gave her enough of a nudge to force her off the bench. “So we come to Natalie and Janna. Janna didn’t need money, and she had no idle time to go fishing. She wanted Natalie to win the tournament. Bony was leading the field, but she wasn’t worried about him.”

“I’m a professional golfer!” Bony said, outraged. “She damn well should have worried about me. I won the Rapid City invitational three years ago, and came in second at the Florida Hideaway Homes tournament. I made the cut in Tucson last summer. I can’t remember the number of times I made the cut in Augusta.”

“Zero,” Janna said.

“Moving right along,” I said, “Janna did have a motive. She thought Tommy was fooling around with Natalie, whose reputation was as important as her golf game. Tommy may have been a good guy, but he was the classic loose cannon when he was drinking. Which was often, and in the presence of the media and the inner-circle golfers. Janna thought it was vital to keep Natalie away from Tommy.”

“So I killed him to keep his mouth shut?” she countered skeptically.

“And Dennis saw me, right? That’s why I killed him.” She held out her fists. “Go ahead and handcuff me, Chief Hanks. The sheriff’s here. He can take me in, book me, fingerprint me, interrogate me, and throw me in the dungeon. I’ll plead not guilty, but the jury will convict me and I’ll end up on death row.”

“Janna,” Natalie said, “don’t say anything else. I’ll get you a lawyer, and it’ll be okay. I know you didn’t do it. I’ll swear to it on the witness stand.”

“You’ll make a fine witness,” I said, “because you really do know Janna couldn’t have killed Tommy. Thanks to you, she was too doped up to walk to the bathroom, much less the SuperSaver.”

“I was
what
?” Janna yelped as she grabbed Natalie’s wrist.

“You doped me up? How dare you, you backwoods slut? after all I’ve done for you, the sacrifices I’ve made, the years spent turning you into a semblance of a young lady—you doped me up so you could sneak off and behave like trailer trash?”

“I resent that,” Bopeep said.

Eula cackled. “You
resemble
that. How many so-called boyfriends have you had since you moved in? What about the redbearded guy who used to root through my garbage can at night? Or the fellow who liked to come outside nekkid as the day he was born? Or the one who wore your pan ties on his head?”

Lottie blew her whistle. I gave her a grateful smile, then stared at Bopeep until she faded into the group. “Although she may have wanted to, Janna didn’t kill Tommy. Nor did Luke and Natalie, who were otherwise occupied. We’re running out of suspects, aren’t we? At this rate, I’ll have to confess just for closure.”

Amanda came over and perched on the end of the table. “I know where you’re going, Arly, so let’s get it over. Tommy was Dennis’s best friend. He damn near worshipped him for more than thirty years. They were good-natured rivals, not enemies. Dennis was proud when Tommy won a tournament. I’m shocked that you’d accuse a dead man of this horrible crime. Dennis can’t defend himself, but I can. If you spout off any more of this, I’ll have my lawyer sue you.”

I sat down near her. “Dennis killed him. I know it, and so do you.” I heard murmurs and grumbles behind me, but I didn’t turn my head. “The medical examiner found part of a broken contact lens in the wound. When I talked to him yesterday morning, he had trouble focusing on my face. He must not have brought a spare, because he had to wear sunglasses despite the cloudiness.” I had no idea if the sliver of silicone was from a contact lens, but it made as much sense as anything else that had happened in the last few days. If backed into a corner, I could come up with an explanation for a herd of unicorns in Raz’s barn.

Amanda bit down on her lip while she considered this. “Dennis did tell me he lost a contact lens on Saturday. He said Tommy tackled him on the thirteenth green. The lens must have gotten tangled in Tommy’s hair.”

“His crewcut? No, he killed him because of you. The bet wasn’t a joke. Tommy took it seriously, didn’t he?”

She slipped off the table and blinked indignantly at me. “Of course it was a joke. How could it not be? I’m not a slave.”

“If it was a joke, why did Tommy save the napkin that spelled out the details? Why was his wallet searched and then discarded? Why were you in his house yesterday?” I took a folded napkin out of my shirt pocket and held it up so she could see the green border. “Details and signatures, including that of a witness.”

She tried to snatch it out of my hand, but I’d anticipated it and moved my hand out of her reach. “Tommy was determined to get his payoff,” I said. “Maybe he swore he’d be discreet if you went along with it. Even if he had, Dennis couldn’t bear the idea. You were the one thing that he could lord over Tommy. If he couldn’t have a tournament trophy, he could have a trophy wife. The idea of Tommy’s hands on you, his breath on your face, his sweat on your skin—too much.”

“I told them no,” Amanda said, “and they knew I meant it.”

“Which meant that Dennis would welch on a bet. How long do you think Tommy would have kept that to himself? He was more likely to have the napkin framed so he could hang it in the country club bar. Dennis could say what ever he wanted, but it was the kind of joke that Tommy would keep alive for years. Everyone at the country club would know. So tawdry, so vulgar.”

“Tommy started making smart-ass remarks as soon as he made the hole-in-one. Dennis had to endure it all the way to the eighteenth green. And Tommy didn’t stop after that. He kept it secret from the others, but he went out of his way to remind Dennis and me every chance he got. When he hit the stoplight, he said it was better than winning the Triple Crown.”

“So you went back to the motel room, and Dennis followed Tommy up the road,” I prompted her.

“Dennis was beside himself when he finally returned. He felt so horribly guilty about what he’d done, but Tommy refused to back down on the bet. When Tommy started to describe what he planned to do to me, Dennis lost it. He couldn’t face telling you. He was going to turn himself in as soon as we got back to Farberville. I tried to talk him out of it, but he was determined. I finally agreed that it was the right thing to do. He was going to plead guilty because of temporary insanity. I’d sell the house and move into an apartment until he was released. after that, we’d move away and make a fresh start.”