Mind Gym (19 page)

As you will discover, there are some sequences that work better than others. For example, the asking questions tactic usually needs to be used early in the sequence, as does the cozying-up tactic. Once you have used the invoking authority or forcing tactics it is difficult to move to any of the other tactics, so those are usually best as last resorts. Favor asking and deal making are often used after other tactics have been tried.

Even the best plans can go wrong. If your attempt at influencing doesn’t seem to be working, then think about which tactics you haven’t used and try them out. It’s much easier to change your approach when you have easy access to alternatives.

No one influences effectively 100 percent of the time (no matter what they tell you). The best way to improve your skills is to observe what is going on and figure out what you could do differently. Here are some ideas:

   
•   For each of the tactics, give yourself a score, from 1 to 10, for how good you are at it. Once you have identified the tactics you are less good at, you can work on improvement.

   
•   Reflect on your influencing strategies. Which ones are effective? Why did the successful ones deliver good results? What can you learn from the strategies that haven’t worked so you can develop a better strategy to use in the future?

   
•   Which influencing approaches seem to work best
on
you? How are other people using them and what can you copy or adapt from them to make you more effective?

   
•   How do other people influence someone you find difficult to persuade?

If you’re finding that you’re still not as good at influencing as you want to be, remember the point presented at the beginning of this chapter: People make decisions for their reasons, not yours. The most common reason why you aren’t effective is that you are looking through your own eyes rather than seeing things from the other person’s perspective.

GIVE YOUR MIND A WORKOUT

1. Think of someone you find very persuasive. This could be a friend, coworker, celebrity, politician, or anyone else.

2. Write down what their influencing approach is and which of the nine tactics they rely on. What is it about how they use their particular tactics that works so well?

3. Consider how you could adopt some of their persuasive techniques—and if you’ll need to learn or develop certain skills to do so (e.g., Are they truly inspirational because they are a great public speaker? Could you take a public speaking class to also become more inspirational?).

1. Divide a sheet of paper into two columns.

2. In the first column, write down what blocks you from using certain influencing tactics. Are you afraid of failure or rejection? Or is it harder to influence someone more senior to you? Or does the technique feel unnatural and awkward?

3. In the second column, write down the practical ways you think you can overcome each block. Some ideas include planning your influencing approach, anticipating responses, practicing with a partner, and considering the benefits to you and to the other person. Work through these ways and be specific. For example, if you plan to get over your block by practicing with a partner, decide which partner you’ll practice with and when.

4. Take action. Follow through on the various ways in which you plan to overcome your blocks.

5. Practice in real life. Pick a situation where you’d like to influence someone and test out just how persuasive you can be.

W
hat makes someone influential? Over the years, we’ve asked this question to thousands of people. And the most common response we hear is charisma—being able to connect, charm, and win over others with one’s personality. The thing is, charisma is not something you’re born with. It’s something you learn.
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If you want to be the person everyone wants more of, welcome to Mind Gym’s version of charm school. The following ten lessons will help you impress anyone.

Billboard
’s Hot 100 list of the biggest singles is dominated by optimism. In the top ten you’ll find “Hey Jude” by the Beatles, “You Light Up My Life” by Debby Boone, and “I Gotta Feeling” by The Black Eyed Peas. Of course, the list makes sense. We all want to feel that the future can be better. These songs radiate hope. Optimists outperform pessimists in political elections, sales, and social connections (for more on the power of optimism, see chapter 2), because hope tends to attract other people and is, quite simply, attractive.
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Louis Armstrong’s “When You’re Smiling (The Whole World Smiles With You)” is a song and a sentiment that obviously runs through the blood of most charismatic people. It’s not that they don’t have dark days. Charismatic people just don’t advertise them. Instead, they emulate hope by

   
•   speaking optimistically about the future,

   
•   sharing believable steps to attain that future, and

   
•   expressing confidence in the ability of others to take those steps.

When you’re passionate, people are drawn to you. It’s hard to fake passion. Whether they’re passionate about saving the planet, rising to the top of an organization, the latest fashion, freshwater fishing, or fine art, charismatic people talk about subjects they care about. Which people do you think are really interesting? Now, why do you think they’re really interesting? It’s because they’re all passionate about something—they passionately work toward a goal and they take part in something they care about. Even if you’re not interested in the thing they are passionate about, you’re drawn to that person because they exude passion. You may not be a skier but you may know a guy who spends every waking moment on the ski slopes—and his excitement is contagious. Perhaps you work with a woman who provides foster care for the local Humane Society and her caring for wayward animals is enviable. There’s no way you would take on three homeless dogs at one time, yet you truly appreciate that she loves to do it. This is passion, and charismatic people ooze it. Charismatic people express their passion by

   
•   articulating a strong, informed point of view;

   
•   speaking with energy and vigor; and

   
•   demonstrating single-mindedness and focus in what they want to achieve.

Have you ever felt in sync with a group of people? Chances are you’re experiencing what psychologists call “entrainment.”
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It’s that feeling you get when you’re in flow or when you feel a very strong sense of connection. My movements match your movements, my rhythm is in harmony with yours, we laugh together at the same volume, we use similar words, and we even make hand gestures at the same time.
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You might experience entrainment when you see an old friend and you find yourselves finishing each other’s stories. Or you might meet someone for the first time and feel like you automatically “click.” It’s a fantastic feeling when it happens naturally. Usually, however, it doesn’t happen without a nudge. And you can give it a nudge by matching the other person in some of the following ways:

   
•   Speak at the same volume, pace, tempo, and rhythm.

   
•   Reflect or mirror similar body language, like crossing your legs.

   
•   Share similar beliefs and values.

•   Make statements or offer views that the other person is sure to agree with.

It’s apparent that you’ve made a strong connection with someone when you gesture, move, or giggle and they do too. Or when you sit up, so do they. Once they begin to emulate you, you know you’ve made a connection. Charismatic people connect in this way deliberately. So, if you want to see charisma in action, pay attention to the most charismatic person in the room and you’ll see that they are matching the behavior of those around them.

Have you ever met someone who says something but it’s hard to believe they really mean what they’re saying? Charismatic people’s words always align with their actions and body language. Whether it’s a tired salesperson making the same pitch for the fifth time that day or a child showing confusion when you ask if they ate the last cookie, inconsistencies between spoken language and body language can be spotted pretty quickly, and from a mile away. Congruence occurs when all the nonverbal signs are aligned with what is being said. To achieve congruence,

   
•   concentrate on the conversation;

   
•   speak about subjects you actually care about;

   
•   believe in what you’re saying;

   
•   relax your body;

   
•   enjoy the truth; and

•   maintain a low, natural breathing rate.

Charismatic people are trusted because of their words and actions. They are not trusted because they know everything there is to know about their subject matter. They admit when they don’t know the answers, which makes them believable when they do have answers or insights. Their verbal and nonverbal communication is aligned. And just like inconsistencies can be spotted a mile away, so can congruence.

The power of charismatic communication comes not from changing the way people think but from changing the way they feel. Just as a cup of coffee might make the person you’re speaking to excitable, the right words will make them excited about what you have to say. Charismatic communication is dominated by three types of words. You’ll notice these words tend to be absent in typical conversation. So, if you are trying to amp your charisma level, use these types of words more frequently:

Of course, impact words can be overdone, as we often see in the media. They are used heavily in celebrity tabloid shows to shock the viewers, in political talk shows to fuel anger toward the opposing party, and in talk radio, such as Howard Stern’s show, to push the envelope of acceptability.

Obviously you don’t want to overuse impact words in a budget meeting or even on a second date. The phrase “Choose your words carefully” has never been so resonant.

Notice the difference between these three conversations.

It’s easy to imagine that the three responses above were from people who had different weekends, but that isn’t necessarily so. Many of us can reduce the gamut of our emotions to “fine” or “okay.”

A charismatic person offers anything but a simple “It was good.” Instead, they are generous with their answers, sharing specifics, giving color and flavor with incidental detail (“beautiful orange”). They also share how they felt to some extent. The next time someone asks “How was your weekend?” what will you say?

Can you think of a time when you couldn’t stop yourself from smiling? You were so happy that you were beaming with joy and everyone could see it. When was that? Why were you so happy? Or can you think of a time when you had to make a very difficult decision, and it was really tricky, but you made a call and it was the right one? Can you remember what you considered? What made you finally know you’d done the right thing? Or can you think of a time when you delighted a customer with the work you’d done? What did they say? What had you done that so impressed them?