Mind of My Mind (18 page)

"A few."

"Speak up, then. I have the feeling I'm going to need all the help I can get."

"Very likely. First you should realize that I'm delegating authority to you only

because you'll need it if you're to have any chance at all of staying alive among these

people. You're going to have to accept your own proprietary feelings as legitimate and

demand that your people accept you on your terms." He paused, looked hard at me.

"Keep them out of your mind as much as you can. Use your advantage. Always know

more about them than they know about you. Intimidate them quietly."

"The way you do?"

"If you can."

"I have a feeling you're rooting for me."

"I am."

"Well . . . I wouldn't ask why, on a bet. I'd rather think it was because you really gave

a damn about me."

He just smiled.

KARL

Karl had never wanted quite as much as he did now to hurt something, to kill

something, someone. He looked at Vivian sitting next to him, her mind ablaze with fear,

her face carefully expressionless.

The blast of a horn behind him let him know that he was sitting through a green light.

He restrained an impulse to lash back at the impatient driver. He could kill with his

ability. He had, twice, accidentally, not long after his transition. He wondered why he

refrained from doing it again. What difference would it make?

"Are we going back home?" Vivian asked.

Karl glanced at her, then looked around. He realized that he was heading back toward

Palo Verde. He had left home heading nowhere in particular except away from Mary and

Doro. Now he had made a large U and was heading back to them. And it wasn't just an

ordinary unconscious impulse driving him. It was Mary's pattern.

He pulled over to the curb, stopped under a NO PARKING sign. He leaned back in

the seat, his eyes closed.

"Will you tell me what's the matter with you?" Vivian asked.

"No."

She was doing all she could to keep calm. It was his silence that frightened her. His

silence and his obvious anger.

He wondered why he had brought her with him. Then he remembered. "You're not

leaving me," he said.

"But if Mary came through transition all right—"

"I said you're not leaving!"

"All right." She was almost crying with fear. "What are you going to do with me?"

He turned to glare at her in disgust.

"Karl, for heaven's sake! Tell me what's wrong." Now she was crying.

"Be quiet." Had he ever loved her, really? Had she ever been more than a pet—like

all the rest of his women? "How was Doro last night?" he asked.

She looked startled. By mutual agreement, they did not discuss her nights with Doro.

Or they hadn't until now. "Doro?" she said.

"Doro."

"Oh, now—" She sniffed, tried to compose herself. "Now, just a minute—"

"How was he?"

She frowned at him, disbelieving. "That can't be what's bothering you. Not after all

this time. Not as though it was my fault, either!"

"That's a pretty good body he's wearing," said Karl. "And I could see from the way

you were hanging on him this morning that he must have given you a pretty good—"

"That's enough!" Outrage was fast replacing her fear.

A pet, he thought. What difference did it make what you said or did to a pet?

"I'll defy Doro when you do," she said icily. "The moment you refuse to do what he

tells you and stick to your refusal, I'll stand with you!"

A pet. In pets, free will was tolerated only as long as the pet owner found it amusing.

"You've got your nerve complaining about Doro and me," she muttered. "You'd climb

into bed with him yourself if he told you to."

Karl hit her. He had never done such a thing before, but it was easy.

She screamed, then foolishly tried to get out of the car. He caught her arm, pulled her

back, hit her again, and again.

He was panting when he stopped. She was bloody and only half conscious, crumpled

down on the seat, crying. He hadn't controlled her. He had wanted to use his hands. Just

his hands. And he wasn't satisfied. He could have hurt her more. He could have killed

her.

Yes, and then what? How many of his problems would her death erase? He would

have to get rid of her body, and then still go back to his master, and now, by God, his

mistress. Once he was there, at least Mary's pattern would stop pulling at him, dragging

at him, subverting his will as easily as he subverted Vivian's. Nothing would be changed,

though, except that Vivian would be gone.

Only a pet?

Who was he thinking about? Vivian or himself? Now that Doro had tricked him into

putting himself on a leash, it could be either, or both.

He took Vivian by the shoulders and made her sit up. He had split her lip. That was

where the blood came from. He took out a handkerchief and wiped away as much of it as

he could. She looked at him first, vacillating between fear and anger; then she looked

away.

Without a word, he drove her to Monroe Memorial Hospital. There he parked, took

out his checkbook, and wrote a check. He tore it out and put it in her hands. "Go. Get

away from me while you can."

"I don't need a doctor."

"All right, don't see one. But go!"

"This is a lot of money," she said, looking at the check. "What's it supposed to pay me

for?"

"Not pay you," he said. "God, you know better than that."

"I know you don't want me to go. Whatever you're angry about, you still need me. I

didn't think you would, but you do."

"For your own good, Vee, go!"

"I'll decide what's good for me." Calmly she tore the check into small pieces. She

looked at him. "If you really wanted me to go—if you want me to go now—you know

how to make it happen. You do know."

He looked at her for a long moment. "You're making a mistake."

"And you're letting me make it."

"If you stay, this might be the last time you'll have the freedom to make your own

mistakes."

"You're wrong to try so hard to frighten me away when you want me to stay so

badly."

He said nothing.

"And I am staying, as long as you let me. Will you tell me what was wrong now?"

"No."

She sighed. "All right," she said, trying not to look hurt. "All right."

Chapter Six

DORO

It occurred to Doro when Rachel Davidson arrived that she was the most subtly

dangerous of his seven actives. Mary was the most dangerous period, though he doubted

that she understood this yet. But there was nothing subtle about Mary. Rachel was, as

Mary had said, related to Emma. She was the daughter of Emma's most successful

granddaughter, Catherine—a woman who could easily have outlived Emma if she had

had better control of her mental shielding. As it was, she had spent too much of her time

and energy trying to keep the mental noise of the rest of humanity out of her mind—as

though she were a latent. But a latent would have been less sensitive. Catherine Davidson

had simply decided at thirty-nine that she couldn't stand any more. She had lain down and

died. Every one of Doro's previous healers had made similar decisions. But Rachel was

only twenty-five, and her shielding was much better. Doro hoped that her decision, if she

made it at all, was several years away. At any rate, she was very much alive now, and she

would be more trouble than Mary could be expected to handle so quickly. But Doro

decided to watch for a while before he warned Rachel. Before he gave Mary the help

Mary did not know she needed. He sat by the fireplace and watched the two women meet.

Rachel was a full head taller, several shades darker, and from the look on her face,

very puzzled. "Whoever you are," she said, "you're the one I'm looking for—the one who

called me here."

"Yes."

"Why? Who are you? What do you want?"

"My name is Mary Larkin. Come on in and sit down." Then, when Rachel was seated,

"I'm an active, like you. Or not quite like you. I'm an experiment." She looked at Doro.

"One of his experiments that got out of hand."

Rachel and Doro found themselves staring at each other, Doro almost as surprised as

Rachel. Clearly, Mary was not going to let him be the observer that he had intended to be.

"Doro?" said Rachel tentatively.

"Yes."

"Thank goodness. If you're here, this must make sense somehow. I just walked out in

the middle of a service in New York. I was so desperate to get here that I had to steal

some poor person's place on a plane."

"What did you do with Eli?" Doro asked.

"Left him to handle the rest of the day's services. No one will be healed, I know, but

no doubt he'll entertain them. Doro, what's going on?"

"An experiment, as Mary said."

"But it obviously isn't out of hand yet. She's still alive. Or is that temporary?"

"If it is, it's none of your business," said Mary quickly.

"It wouldn't be if you hadn't dragged me here," said Rachel. "But since you did—"

"Since I did, Rachel, and since I am still alive, you'd better plan on my being around

for a while."