Miss Suki Is Kooky! (4 page)

After the assembly we went back to Miss Daisy's room. It was almost time for our class to be called down to the gym to have our pictures taken. Andrea and Emily pulled out their little mirrors and started fixing their hair. It had been a full
hour
since they last fixed their hair, so
they must have had a lot of hair that needed fixing.

Just then, guess who poked their heads in the door?

Nobody! Because if you poked your head in a door, it would hurt. But guess who poked their heads in the door
way
?

It was Mrs. Roopy and Miss Suki!

Mrs. Roopy was holding a stack of books and the Blueberry Award. Miss Suki was rolling Rappy's mystery box.

“We have some autographed books,” Mrs. Roopy said as she handed them out. Andrea bought every one of Miss Suki's books. I didn't buy a book. Books are boring. Besides, the order form was still in
my backpack because I forgot to give it to my parents.

“Did you write any Dr. Seuss books?” I asked Miss Suki.

“I believe those were written by Dr. Seuss,” she said.

“You should write some Dr. Seuss books,” I suggested. “They're cool.”

“I'll think about that,” Miss Suki said.

“How come Dr. Seuss was allowed to call himself a doctor when he really wasn't one?” I asked her.

“You'd have to ask
him
that,” replied Miss Suki.

“I can't,” I told her. “He's dead.”

“Do you like cheese?” asked Ryan.

“Not very much,” said Miss Suki.

“Will you sign my autograph book?” asked Emily.

“Oh, okay,” said Miss Suki.

“Can I have ten autographs for my cousins?” Michael asked.

Miss Suki didn't look all that happy, but she started signing the scraps of paper Michael handed her.

“You should write a book about penguins,” I suggested. “Penguins are cool.”

“What's your favorite kind of cheese?” asked Ryan.

Miss Suki was about to leave when Mr. Klutz made an announcement over the loudspeaker.

“Miss Daisy's class, please report to the gym to have your pictures taken.”

That's when I got the greatest idea in the history of the world.

“Will you be in our class picture, Miss Suki?” I asked.

“Please? Please? Please?” everybody begged. We said
please
about a million hundred times. If you ever want to get something from a grown-up, just say
please
over and over again. The more times you say it, the better chance they will say yes. That's the first rule of being a kid.

“Well, okay,” said Miss Suki.

“YAY!”

See? It's amazing. All you have to do is say one dumb word and you can get whatever you want. What a scam!

We walked Miss Suki to the gym. Mrs. Roopy brought along the Blueberry Award.

“Miss Suki, I've read all your books,” said Andrea, who never misses the chance to brownnose a grown-up, “and I have a question.”

“What is it?”

“Well, in
The Reluctant Rhino
, you
wrote that Ricky the Rhino ate a fish for lunch. But I looked it up in my encyclopedia, and rhinos are vegetarians.”

“They're animal doctors?” I asked.

“No, dumbhead,” Andrea said. “That's a
veterinarian
. A
vegetarian
doesn't eat meat. Rhinos are vegetarians, so a rhino wouldn't eat a fish.”

“It would too,” I said.

“It would not,” Andrea said.

We went back and forth like that for a while. Then I came up with a genius idea to win the argument.

“A rhino that went to medical school could be a veterinarian,” I said. “And veterinarians can eat meat. So there!”

Nah-nah-nah boo-boo on Andrea. In
her face! No wonder they put me in the gifted and talented program.

“Is that true?” Miss Suki asked. She looked all upset. “Rhinos are vegetarians? That ruins my whole story!”

Then Miss Suki started crying again. Man, what is her problem? That lady cries more than Emily.

When we got to the gym, the photographer lined us up in ABC order. The girls were frantically combing their hair and putting on bracelets and necklaces and earrings and all kinds of other girly stuff. I can't believe girls poke holes in their ears and hang gold things all over themselves like they're Christmas trees. What's
up with that?

“My mother said she would put my picture on our refrigerator,” Andrea told us.

“So, does she put food on her camera?” I asked.

“Oh, snap!” said Ryan.

Me and the guys made funny faces when our pictures were taken. But the photographer got mad
and made us do them over again.

Finally it was time to take a picture of the whole class. The photographer lined us up in three rows on the bleachers. I had to stand next to Emily. Miss Daisy stood in the back row on the left side, and Miss Suki stood on the right side.

“Hey, can Rappy be in the picture, too?” I asked. “That would be cool.”

“Rappy's had a long day,” Miss Suki replied. “I think he needs to rest.”

“Please? Please? Please? Please? Please? Please? Please? Please? Please?”

“Well, okay,” said Miss Suki.

I tell you, it works every time.

Miss Suki took Rappy out of the mystery
box and put him on her finger. Rappy turned his head around slowly to look at everybody. It was cool, but a little scary, too. He looked like he was searching for something—or
someone
—to eat. I'm glad we didn't have any pigeons or ducks in the gym.

“Don't worry,” Miss Suki said. “Rappy wouldn't hurt a fly.”

Emily pulled out her little mirror to fix her hair one last time.

“Okay,” said the photographer. “Is everybody ready? Say ‘cheese'!”

That's when the most amazing thing in the history of the world happened. Rappy must have seen his reflection in Emily's mirror, because the next thing we knew, he flew off Miss Suki's finger at two hundred miles an hour! And he was heading straight for Emily!

Emily was looking in her mirror. She didn't see Rappy flying at her.

“Watch out!” everybody screamed. But it was too late. Rappy rammed right into Emily! She fell off the bleachers! She was freaking out!

“EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEKKKK!” she screamed. “The raptor attacked me!”

Rappy freaked out too. He took off and went flying crazily around the gym. Everybody started screaming and covering their heads.

“The raptor is loose!” shouted Ryan.

“We need a doctor!” shouted the photographer.

“How about Dr. Seuss?” I suggested.

“Emily, go to Mrs. Cooney's office!” shouted Miss Daisy. “Now!”

Rappy was swooping around like he was out of his mind. Emily was crying, and for once I couldn't blame her. I'd cry too if some nutty raptor attacked me. She crawled out of the gym on her hands and knees so Rappy couldn't dive-bomb her.

“He's wild!” shouted Michael. “He'll use his razor-sharp talons and beak to tear into our flesh!”

“He's just frightened!” shouted Miss Suki. “Rappy wouldn't hurt a fly.”

“He hurt Emily!” yelled Andrea.

“Don't provoke him!” Miss Suki yelled, even though none of us knew what that meant. (Well, maybe Andrea did.)

“Call Miss Lazar!” shouted Miss Daisy. Miss Lazar is the school custodian, and she can solve any problem. She must have been right down the hall, because about a second later she burst into the gym. She was holding a toilet bowl plunger.

“We have a wild raptor on our hands,”
Miss Daisy said.

“Do you want me to kill it?” asked Miss Lazar. She got into a batting stance like she was going to hit Rappy with the toilet bowl plunger.

“NO!” yelled Miss Suki. “He's endangered!”

“I have an idea,” said Miss Lazar. “I could build a cage out of toilet bowl plungers and we could trap him inside. He'll never escape.”

Miss Lazar is bizarre. She has a museum filled with toilet bowl plungers in her secret storage room down in the basement.

Mr. Klutz came running into the gym with his bald head.

“What seems to be the problem?” he asked.

“The raptor attacked Emily!” Miss Daisy said.

“Everyone calm down,” said Mr. Klutz. “I'll take care of this. I know how to
handle animals. In my younger days I used to work in a zoo.”

“Please don't hurt Rappy,” begged Miss Suki. “He's my baby!”

“Leave it to me,” said Mr. Klutz. “Where is he?”

“UP THERE!” we all shouted.

Mr. Klutz looked up. When he saw Rappy flying around near the ceiling, he screamed.

“Quick!” he yelled. “Get me a towel!”

“Are you going to trap the raptor in a towel?” Miss Daisy asked, running into the locker room to get one.

“No,” said Mr. Klutz. “I'm going to wrap the towel around my head so the raptor
doesn't peck me.”

That was smart. After all, Mr. Klutz's bald head is so shiny, Rappy might see his reflection—and attack!

Miss Daisy came running back with a towel. Mr. Klutz wrapped it around his bald head. Then our gym teacher, Miss Small, came racing in. She was carrying a catcher's mitt, chest protector, and shin guards.

“Here,” she said. “Put these on!”

“Good idea!” Mr. Klutz said. After he put the stuff on, he looked like a real catcher. That is, if catchers wore towels on their heads.

“How will you get the raptor down
from the ceiling?” asked Miss Small.

“Hand me that mirror!” ordered Mr. Klutz. “I'll put it in the mitt. The raptor will see his reflection in the mirror and think it's his enemy. Then he'll fly right into the mitt, and I'll catch him.”

Boy, Mr. Klutz should get the No Bell Prize for that genius idea. If he was a kid, he'd be in the gifted and talented program for sure.

Miss Small picked up Emily's mirror and gave it to Mr. Klutz.

“What if Rappy misses
the mitt?” asked Andrea. “Raptors have four-inch-long, razor-sharp talons they use to tear into flesh. He could kill a lion!”

Mr. Klutz grabbed Miss Suki's Blueberry Award and held it in front of him like a shield.

“This will protect me,” he said.

At that moment, guess who ran through the door? Nobody, because running through a door would hurt. But guess who ran through the door
way
?

It was Dr. Carbles, the president of the Board of Education!