Miss Whittier Makes a List (48 page)

The housekeeper seemed to know her thoughts.
“
Come
,
husband, you may help me
with the dishes tonight, since I
let the scullery maid visit her sister. Hannah has many plans to share with her captain.
”

Daniel shook his head.
“
Oh, not tonight
.
I have a head this big from too much rum last night. Hannah, please excuse me, but I am off to bed. We can talk in the morning. Good night.
”

He left the table without a backward glance. She sat, stricken with anguish in the dining room, until she heard his slow footsteps on the stair and the closing of his door down the hall. The Paiges looked at each other, then at Hannah. Mr. Paige began to gather the lates together.

Mrs. Paige ca
m
e to sit beside Hannah, and leaned closer
,
her voice low.
“
My dear, I would never breathe a word if you decided to go to his room to talk to him, and neither would Mr. Paige.
”
She grasped Hannah
’
s hand.
“
What could be wrong?
”

“
I cannot imagine,
”
Hannah said.
“
He seems like a different person.
”
She rose slowly to her feet, as if infected with the same lethargy that had overtaken Daniel Spark.
“
Good night.
”

She went to her room, unable to face the closed door to Spark
’
s room that seemed almost like a reproach. She sat on her bed for a long time, as if unable to remember what she should do next
.
Oh, yes, it is night, she thought finally. I take off my clothes, get into my nightgown,
say my prayers, and get into bed
.

Still she sat, helpless to do anything but dwell on dread that deepened by the moment. Only the greatest force of will compelled her to prepare for bed. It was useless to pray; her mind was a great blank that the Lord would not appreciate. She crawled between the covers and shivered there, wishing for a warming pan, wishing for her own bed at home, with its familiar lumps, wondering why she had ever imagined herself in Daniel
’
s hard bed. Sleep seemed farther away than
America
. She heard the clock strike midnight and then one, before her eyes closed.

She woke toward morning t
o the sound of her door opening,
and sat up, her
heart
in her throat. The room was dark, but she knew it was Daniel.

“
It cannot wait until morning, Hannah,
”
he said.

Sleep was gone in an instant.
“
Come here, Daniel,
”
she said, and held out her hand to him.

“
No. I will sit here in the window,
”
he said. The curtains rustled, and then she saw him silhouetted in the faint moonlight, his face away from her, not even able to look at her in the darkness.

“
May I at l
e
ast join you there?
”
she asked, struggling and failing to keep the desperation from her voice.

“
No.
”

The silence stretched into next week and she wanted to scream. She picked her words carefully.
“
My love, I really am not upset about the engagement party. Thee told me about the fortunes of war, and I do understand.
”

“
I wish you were not so reasonable, Hannah,
”
he burst out, loud enough to make her jump.
“
It would make what I have to say so much easier for both of us.
”

“
Then don
’
t say it,
”
she said,
leaving her bed to stand by him in the moonlight
.

“
Go back to bed, Hannah. You
’
ll catch your death on this cold floor.
”
His voice was sharp and she thought of the quarterdeck.

“
Very well, but only if thee tells me plain what is the matter.
”

He got up then to tu
rn
his back on her and gaze out into the fading moonlight, his feet planted wide apart as though the room pitched.
“
I
have booked passage for you on the
Bonny Jean,
bound for
Boston
. It sails from
Portsmouth
in two days.
”

“
No.
”

He did not t
urn around at her soft-voiced protest. His own words seemed to drag out of his throat with all the slowness of a nightmare.
“
I tore up the writ of chancery and returned the special license. I am breaking our engagement.
”

“
No.
”
It was as though she could say nothing else.

“
You are welcome to tell people that you broke the eagement I wouldn
’
t for the world make you an object of anyone
’
s derision.
”

“
No.
”
Her lips felt numb; she couldn
’
t even discern a heartbeat in her breast anymore.
“
I love thee. We are to be married.
”

He turned to face her then, sat on the bed, and took her hand between his hands.
“
You
’
re
not hearing a thing I am saying,
are you? I will not marry you. Not now, and not later.
”

She broke free from his grasp and covered her face with her hands, willing herself not to cry.
“
I love you, Daniel Spark. I will have no other man.
”

He got up then and stood by her bed, looking down at her.
“
Of course you will, Hannah,
”
he said, with just a trace of humor in his voice.
“
You
’
re just a baby.
”

She leaped up again to stand next to him.
“
I am a woman, Daniel Spark, and thee knows it. Thee will have to do better than that
.
”
She was shouting now, but she did not care.
“
Thee will have to tell me plain that thee does not love me.
”

He took her face between his hands, and she held her breath, hoping.

“
I do not l
ove you, Hannah
Wh
ittier,
”
he told her, saying each word distinctly, as though he spoke to a child just learning speech.
“
You are young, and silly, and impulsive, and a dreadful nuisance. I cannot imagine what I was thinking.
”
His voice rose, too.
“
I do not love you! Is that enough?
”

He released her and she stepped back, her whole body limp. She dragged herself back into
bed
, pulled the covers up, and turned her face to the wall.

“
It
is enough.
”

“
Good night, then. I
’
ll see to a post chaise for you in the morning.
”

He closed the door behind him and left her to the most acute misery she could imagine, an agony almost physical that raked against every nerve in her body like a
harrow
over winter stubble. It was shame, humiliation, embarrassment, regret, horror, and bitterness all rolled into one terrible blow that struck at her
heart
and left her bleeding from unseen wounds. She could only lie there
and suffer as though from a mort
a
l
blow that struck her again and again, pulling no punches.

She lay there, her hands in tight fists, willing herself dead. In a terrible flash, she understood finally why Andrew Lease could drop a lighted match in his medicine satchel filled with gunpowder. Love gone was deadly pain, and she groaned as it bowed her to the ground. She waited for death to release her, but it did not. After a time, the pain was augmented by the most exquisite urge to flee from Daniel Spark
’
s house, even if she had to walk all the way to
Portsmouth
.

She was out of bed then and in the dressing room, reaching with numb fingers for her dressing case. She only needed a few dresses, a nightgown, and a cloak for the journey. In a moment, she was dressed warmly and the dressing case was full, but not too full. She could carry it across the fields until she came to the village and the mail coach that stopped early in front of the inn.

She started to draw on her gloves, then looked around the room again and stopped to make her bed. Thee is not entirely dead to duty, Hannah
Whittier
, even if thee is silly and impulsive and a dreadful nuisance. Shark chum. She covered her mouth with her hand, wishing she were outside so she could throw up into the bushes and be done with it. She fought down the nausea and pulled on her gloves.

She left her door open, fearing to make any more noise than needful. She knew the stairs well enough to skip the squeaky treads. She had trouble lighting a candle in the bookroom because her hands would not stop shaking, but she finally managed to put the match to the wick. Using the tiny light, she found the pile of coins that Daniel was accumulating in a
jar by the window. It would be enough for the mail coach, and he said he had already booked passage, so she need not fear that expense.

Dawn was coming as she let herself out of the house. She traveled the lane swiftly, looking back once, and then turning away as tears finally blurred her eyes. Thee cannot cry, she told herself over and over, and it became the cadence that got her across Daniel Spark
’
s fields ripe for harvest, to the village, and onto the mail coach bound for
Portsmouth
.