Missing in Action (19 page)

“Probably so. I don't have anything better to do.”

Jay was glad to hear that.

Grandma was pouring the grape juice. “You boys rest a little here for a minute and drink this juice. Then why don't you stay and have dinner with us?”

“You don't have to ask me twice,” said Gordy. “Whatever you're cooking sure smells good.”

“Maybe I better not,” Ken said.

But Grandma said, “I know what you're thinking. But don't worry about it. You're always welcome with us.”

“All right, then. I know you're the best cook in Delta.
Everyone
says that.”

“More blarney,” she said. She patted his cheek, almost like he was her grandson too. “Jay, you better get into the tub now, before dinner.”

He agreed, but as he got up to leave, Gordy said, “Hey, Jay, did you really jump a train?”

“Yeah.”

“How come you got off in Milford?”

“We got kicked off.”

“What do you mean, ‘we'?”

“Some guys were riding in the boxcar. I didn't know it until I got on.”

“What? Hoboes?”

“Sort of. They were guys going to California to get work. One was a drunk. Maybe all of 'em were.”

“Oh, man, I wish I'd gone with you. Why don't we do it together one of these days before school starts?
We could jump a train, ride down to Milford, then jump another one and ride back.”

Jay was looking at his grandma, who was shaking her head, looking serious. “I almost didn't make it on. I jumped, and I didn't get all the way in, and one of those guys had to pull me on. I might've gone under the train wheels if he hadn't grabbed my arm.”

Now Grandma was looking about ready to pass out, and Gordy was grinning wide. “Hey, man, you gotta tell us
everything
. Nobody around here ever did anything like that. You'll be famous.”

“What about all the boys on the team? What are they saying about me?” Jay asked.

“You mean about dancing with Ken?”

Jay nodded.

“I just told 'em to shut their mouths. And they did. It's just one guy showing another guy something—like a coach teaching baseball, or something like that.”

That didn't sound so bad. “Thanks,” he said to Gordy.

But Gordy just shrugged, like he didn't know what Jay was talking about.

Later, everyone ate dinner. Mom came home, and she ate with them. She even talked to Ken some. Maybe she wanted to show Ken that she didn't mind doing that—since he'd looked for Jay and everything.

Gordy wanted to play baseball afterward, but Jay said he didn't want to. He just wanted to rest up.

He went down to his room after Ken and Gordy left, and he sat on his bed. He tried to think how he felt about everything now. After a while his mom came to his open door. “Hi,” she said.

“Hi.”

“How are you feeling?” She stopped in the doorway, the way she usually did.

“Tired, mostly.”

“I guess you didn't feel like playing ball tonight.”

“I'll play next week.”

“Are you thinking like Gordy, that you want to play in the major leagues?”

“Sure. But every kid thinks that. Not many can make it.”

Her voice was quiet tonight. She walked over and sat on the bed next to him. She had fixed her hair nice for dinner and put on lipstick, just like when Hal Duncan had been there.

“Some people think they have to be big shots to be happy. Baseball players, or something like that. But it's not that important. Look at Grandma and Grandpa, how happy they are.”

“Grandpa's kind of a big shot.”

Mom let out a little burst of air, a kind of laugh. “I guess,” she said. “A big shot in Delta. But mostly he just loves every single person in town, so they all love him back.”

“He blesses them too.”

“Yes, he does. He puts his hands on their heads and pronounces blessings—but he does a lot of other things for people too.” She slipped her arm around his shoulders.

“You said you got so you didn't like him when you were a kid.”

“No, I didn't say that. I wanted to do whatever I had a mind to do, and he kept telling me I was making the wrong choices. I didn't like that, but I knew every second of every day that he loved me anyway. The same with my mom. It's why I could finally come home when things got bad for us.”

“It's not too bad to be down here.”

She tightened her grip on him, and when he looked at her, she was smiling. “That's not what you said last night.”

“I know.”

“This has been a hard summer for us, hasn't it?”

“You were worried a lot, I guess.”

“Mostly I'm just impatient. I want to know for sure about your dad, one way or the other, and we just don't hear anything.”

“Do you still think he could be alive somewhere?”

“No, I don't. But I miss him more than you might think. We love him, don't we?”

“Sometimes I hated him.”

“I know. But let's love him now. Let's remember the best things.”

“Okay.” That was what Jay wanted to do. But he didn't want to cry, and he was starting to do that. His mom seemed to know, and she wrapped both arms around him.

“It might be a long wait before we know anything for sure,” she said. “But that's just how things are. And it's what we have to accept.”

“I know.” He pulled back a little. He didn't want her to think he was being a baby about everything.

But she turned his chin so she could look at him. “Are you worried what people will say to you about Ken?”

“Yeah.”

“What are you going to do about it?”

“Look 'em in the eye. That's what Grandpa said.”

“He's right, too. It'll all blow over in a few days. I know it doesn't seem like it, but it will.”

He looked toward the wall, away from his mom. “Some people don't like Indians.”

“But we don't have to worry about ‘some people,' do we?”

“I guess not.”

“I'm sorry about the way I treated Ken. I guess I was being ‘some people' myself.”

Jay was glad she could think that way.

Mom got up and walked to the door, but then she turned around and leaned against the frame. “Jay, I'm sorry. I haven't been much of a mom to you this summer. I've
spent too much time feeling sorry for myself.”

Jay knew what she meant, but he didn't know what to tell her.

“I've had a lot of time to think today,” she said. She looked away, like she was thinking again. She was wearing a summer dress, light as air, yellow with little white dots. She looked sad, though. “You're growing up now, Jay. I want to be honest with you from now on. For a long time I didn't want to say anything about your father because I knew how much you loved him. I wanted you to be proud of him.”

“I used to hate him when he'd hit you. I wanted to hit him back, but I was too little.” Jay felt his voice starting to shake, and he looked away again.

“I know. And I wanted to stop him when he would hurt you, but I was too scared of him.”

He looked back at her. “Scared?”

“When he was mad, I never knew what he might do.”

He hadn't thought of that—that she was scared too. “Why didn't you leave him? We could have moved down here.”

Two tears slipped over the curve of her cheekbones and slid slowly down her face. “I don't know, Jay. Every time I thought of it, I could only think of coming back here and admitting I'd been wrong all along. But I loved your dad too—even after he did all
those things to us. He was always sorry after he hurt us, and he'd promise not to do it again. I wanted to believe him, so I stayed.”

“You used to tell me that he was a good man, and I shouldn't hate him.”

“I know. And it's still true. He could be so good. And he was funny and full of life. I still love him, Jay. Even if he's dead, I love him.”

There was something Jay had always known he should tell her. “One night, when you were working, he brought a woman home with him. They were drunk, I think, and they were laughing, and he kept saying to be quiet so she wouldn't wake me up.”

She slowly lowered her head. “I'm sorry,” she said. “I didn't know you had to put up with something like that. And I didn't know how many times he'd gone out with other women until I started hearing things after he was in the navy. But that's another reason I should have left him.”

“He's not coming back, though, is he?”

“No. He's not.”

Jay tried to think how he felt about that, but it was Myrna who came to his mind. “I met a Navajo woman down in Milford. She knew Dad's family. She said he came from good people—chiefs and wise men.”

“And that's how we're going to remember him. Maybe if he'd had another chance, he would have done better. That's what we'll always think, anyway.”

Jay wanted to do that. But the thoughts never went away—the memories of the way he would yell and swear, and the things he would say. “He used to tell me I was worthless. I didn't even know what it meant, but I hated when he said that.” Jay had been fighting not to cry, but now he bent forward, cupped his hands to his face, and finally couldn't hold back.

His mom came back to him and took him in her arms. “Don't remember that,” she said. “When he was angry, he would say things that he didn't mean. He loved you, Jay. No matter what he ever said, just remember that. He loved you more than anyone.”

Jay didn't know if it was true. But he was glad he had finally told her, and glad his mom was holding him.

“We're going to be okay, Jay. I'm going to stand up tall for once in my life, and I'm going to be more what I ought to be. I'm going to be a better mother to you.”

“Are you going to marry Hal?”

Mom took hold of Jay's shoulders and held him away from her, so she could look into his face. “I don't know, Jay. I've told him that we're just friends for now—until I know for certain about your dad. But I would never marry him until you were okay with it.”

“Is he a nice guy?”

“He is, Jay. I think you would like him. He likes to fish, and he likes baseball. He was a good ballplayer
in high school, pretty much the best at every sport. Maybe he could coach your baseball team.” She laughed. “I think you need someone besides Gordy.”

Jay wasn't sure about that. He still didn't like to think about Hal coming to see his mom.

“Would it be all right if I ask him to help you guys?” his mom said.

“I guess.” He didn't like the idea, but he told himself he had to do what Ken always said to do: make the best of the situation, whether he liked it or not.

ON SUNDAY HAL CAME OVER
to the house for dinner. Jay didn't talk to him much, but when he offered to help coach Jay's team, he said that would be okay. He figured Mom had said something to him or he never would have thought of the idea. But when they talked a little baseball, Hal seemed to know what he was talking about. He couldn't come over every night, he said, but he'd come as often as he could.

“You and Ken could coach us together until Ken leaves,” Jay said. “He can't come every night either.”

So that was how it was left. Hal would help coach, and he would go with them to the game next Saturday. Ken would be there too—but for that day, he would be coaching the other team.

On Monday Jay went back to work on the farm. He and Ken. They were still fixing fences, stretching wire and putting in new posts that had fallen down or
broken off. Ken used the tractor to pull the wire sometimes, and the two got a lot done. Toward the end of the day, they took a break and drank some water. Ken was sitting on the tractor. Jay was standing by the fence, his elbow hooked over a fence post.

“Are you excited to get out of here?” he asked Ken.

“Sort of. It's a good time for me to go. You're going back to school before too long, and I would have been out here all by myself. I would have hated that.”

Jay nodded, but he didn't know how to say what he was thinking. So instead he asked, “Are you sort of scared about going into the army?”

Ken leaned forward with his arms resting on top of the steering wheel. He was wearing big leather gloves that looked almost like baseball gloves. “I've been thinking about that. I've been anxious to sign up for a long time. But now, with the time coming up fast, it's kind of different.”

“What's so different?”

Ken looked over him, above his head. “I always say how brave I'll be, but maybe I won't be brave at all. I don't know if you can know that until the time comes.”

“I'll bet you will be. You'll probably get a bunch of medals.”

Ken didn't answer that.

“Grandpa said, when bullets start flying, everyone gets scared.”

“That's what I've heard too. But I'd hate myself if I turned into a chicken.”

“You won't.”

“Maybe I won't be a hero, though.”

“You don't have to be one, do you? Just being a good soldier is okay. You don't
have
to win medals.”

“Guys like me have to. We have to prove ourselves.”

“But it's stupid just to run out somewhere and get killed.”

“I won't do that.”

“It scares me that you will.” Now it was Jay who couldn't look at Ken.

“You mean, get myself killed the way your dad did?”

“Yeah.”

“I'll play it smart. Don't worry about that.”

Jay pulled his gloves off and acted like it was important to take a good look at them.

“This has been a bad time for me, Jay. I hate living out at Topaz, and I hate having everyone stare at me in town. That's why I want an American uniform. People can stare if they want, but at least they'll know I'm fighting for us, not them.”