MisStaked (31 page)

In all likelihood it would still be going on, if it hadn't been for the sound of helicopter blades filling the campsite. Luna looked up, a tuft of hair protruding from the corners of her mouth. Jessica joined her, spitting a ragged piece of bloody cloth from between her own lips. A whirlwind of dust and pine straw shot through the camp, knocking the two women to the ground, effectively ending the battle.

Dust continued to swirl after the sound of the helicopter died down. The entire team stood entranced as two figures strode out from the dust storm.

"Look, Lewis. We missed the floor show.” Leopold grinned, walking past the dazed women. “Remind me to bring the hot oil next time we visit. These events must to held according to established protocol, or they lose their rustic charm."

Jessica finger-combed what remained of her hair back into place. “Mr. Chambris Portus. I can explain."

Leopold patted her on the head. “I'm sure you can, Honey, but I prefer to let my imagination run wild. So, what say you don't. Now, where is that delightful Doctor Grayson?"

"What now?” Dr. Grayson growled, stumbling from her tent. “I'm trying to get some damn sleep."

"Oh, my. The things you see when you don't have any concealer,” Leopold said, both shocked and dismayed. “Lewis you must remind me to drop-ship these people some Revlon before they revert to cannibalism.” He leaned in close to Lewis and whispered, “Better make that Avon. No sense throwing good money at bad complexions."

Dr. Grayson pulled her robe tight around her. “Mr. Chambris Portus, it is a pleasure to see you, but this is quite a surprise. I thought you wouldn't be available to come to the site."

"I had a business meeting in Calgary and decided to stop by on my way back to Seattle. Is there any chance I could get a tour of the dig before I depart?"

"Sure. If you'll let me change, I'll take you over now,” Dr. Grayson said. “It shouldn't take me more than a minute, if you care to wait?"

"Doctor Easily can take me over while you get dressed. I am most excited to see it. If that is acceptable to you?” Leopold motioned for Lewis to help Dr. Easily to her feet. “Unless she has to get ready for round two, of course."

"Jessica, would you mind? I promise I won't be long,” Dr. Grayson said.

"No problem.” Jessica wiped a droplet of blood from her cheek.

Breathred shot Stud a look. The chimp nodded. Something was fishy. It was mighty strange the head vamp showed up just when they had finally reached the tomb. The whole thing smelled like a tip-off.

As much as Breathred would have liked to tag along, he didn't dare. Luna was irked enough without adding fuel to the fire. He'd have to stay here and let Stud keep an eye on things. Breathred motioned for Stud to follow the vamps and Jessica. The chimp nodded and took off after them.

Well, that was one problem out of the way. Now, to tackle the big one—namely Luna. She was still sitting on the ground, her chest bellowing in and out, looking more dead than alive. Her hair stuck out at odd angles. Unlike Jessica none of it was missing. Blood seeped from numerous cuts, and her clothes hung like rags.

The team followed Leopold over to the site. For the first time in three days, Breathred and Luna were alone. He didn't know if the idea was a good thing, or not. Breathred sat down beside her. Luna gave him a dirty look, but made no move to vent her frustration in a physical way. Even if she had, he was too tired to run.

"Luna?"

"Breathred, don't say anything,” she said, coldly. “You were hugging that cow. Don't deny it. I saw you."

"I can't deny it, but me and Jessica are just friends. That's all."

"I thought I knew you, but suddenly I find out I don't. You're like a different person now. How come you never told me you went to college?"

"Because, I don't like to think about it. Bad things happened. Things I don't want to remember."

"But you could talk to her about it, that's what hurts,” Luna all but sobbed.

"No, I couldn't. I never want to talk about it. She knows part of what happened, but not all of it. I'm not even sure if I know what truly happened, and I was there."

"Then, why couldn't you trust me enough to tell me about your past?"

"Because it wasn't important. You liked me, not my past. Not who I was or what I have done. This is who I am.” Breathred slapped himself in the chest. “I am the same person I was back then. I've never asked you about your past. Why so suddenly is it important for you to know about mine?"

"I don't know. I just hate to think she could have been a part of it,” Luna cried. “And the thought that she might try to be a part of it again makes me mad as hell."

"Don't make me laugh. Jessica is, quite frankly, a tart. I could never be with her. I promise you there isn't anybody else but you."

"What are you trying to say then, Mr. Petrifunck?"

There was a weird twinkle in her eye that made him more than a little nervous.

"That I—Well ... you know."

"Pretend I don't. If you feel it, say it."

"Okay ... I love you,” Breathred mumbled.

Luna slid closer into him. “Do you really?"

"Yes, but please don't ask me to say it again."

"What if I asked you to kiss me instead?” Luna cooed in his ear.

"I might could manage a kiss, if you promised to keep your tongue to yourself.” Breathred blushed, but meant every word he said.

"Okay, cross my heart,” Luna smiled, as she bent in to kiss him.

Breathred was happy to note she lied about the tongue.

[Back to Table of Contents]

Always be sure to sharpen your stakes away from you. It isn't exactly rocket science, but it is good practical advice.

Leopold was not amused being surrounded by the horde of people crowding around him. They all smelled of body funk and pine needles. He found himself wishing for little air fresheners to be dangling from their ears. In the absence of your basic good hygiene, he pulled a Calvin Klein magazine sample from his pocket and flashed it under his nose. He just thanked heaven the new GQ arrived before they left for this God forsaken wilderness.

The vampire wished for the good old days, where you could drive these mewling insects away with the tiniest of effort and without the fear of reprisal. Oh to once again be able to terrorize the peasants without fear of crazed scientists performing anal probes to see what made you tick. The very idea made him want to seek solace in a pair of vintage Versace slacks.

If the press of unwashed bodies wasn't bad enough, thanks to that damn, Anne Rice everyone wanted to be a vampire. Try a good hiss and blah on anyone nowadays, and they'd laugh in your face. You have to dress like Prince and look like Brad Pitt to get any kind of respect nowadays. Even then, all you get is a sneer. Goth had done nothing but kill the heart of the vampire's soul. It made Leopold want to hit the malls and bitch slap everyone dressed in black.

The rush of so many bodies choked him. He did his best to turn around. An arm full of flannel stopped him cold. Where the hell was Lewis? The sorry excuse for a vampire was supposed to be running interference, so he wouldn't have to be touched by flannel, or anything closely resembling low-grade cotton blends. Here he was neck deep in the damnable stuff with no possibility of escape short of wholesale slaughter. Which, as far as Leopold was concerned, wasn't a bad idea—just impractical.

Leopold elbowed past a particularly inbred example of manhood to get back to Dr. Easily's side. He spotted Lewis standing on the rise of a massive pile of earth directly ahead. The young vamp slid a finger along his nose, letting Leopold know everything was clear. Good, now all he had to do was get rid of these people so he could have an undisturbed look around.

"Okay, people. Mr. Chambris Portus didn't come all this way to be overrun. He came here to make sure he got his money's worth.” Jessica laughed, taking care of the problem for him. “So, you can all just go on back and let him look around."

A collective groan issued from the crowd. They made no move to leave, but all it took was one evil eyed glare from the disheveled-looking Dr. Easily to send them packing. As the group filed away, a diminutive shadow, unnoticed even by Leopold—who thought himself all-seeing—eased to the side out of view unnoticed even by Leopold.

"Well, that's that. They should leave you alone,” Jessica snorted. “For about five minutes, if you're lucky."

"We will make the best of it then.” Leopold smiled, satisfied with the shiver he saw go through her at the sight of his bared teeth.

"Let me call Doctor Truehart for you, and let him know you're coming down,” she offered.

Lewis swiftly slipped up beside her. “That won't be necessary. Why don't you head on back with the others? I'm sure the good doctor won't mind giving us a tour."

"Okay, if you think it's best."

"We do,” Lewis said in her ear, using his best graveyard voice.

"Now, Lewis, don't frighten the poor girl.” Leopold turned to Dr. Easily. “My dear, Doctor Truehart will be more than adequate to perform the task.” Leopold placed his cold hand on her shoulder.

"If you're sure?” Jessica's gaze darted to the path.

"Put it out of your mind. We'll be fine. Now head on back.” Leopold gently pushed her back toward the camp.

"Do you think it was a good idea to throw the mojo on her?” Lewis asked, when she was too far to overhear him.

"I had no choice, Dimwit. After the crap you pulled it was either that or drain her.” Leopold snorted in disgust. Like he would have done anything so pedestrian in this climate; besides she had neck boogers. There was no way he would touch that neck without a whole truckload of wet wipes on hand.

"What if she blows our cover?” Lewis asked.

"She won't. You have my word on it."

"As long as you're sure."

"I am. Now let's get this over with. This damp, cold air is making my hair go all frizzy.” Without a second glance he pulled Lewis into the sloping tunnel of earth.

Stud slid from his hiding place as the two vampires descended into the stygian gloom. These guys were nuts.
Nobody home
didn't even begin to cover it. Jeez, you'd think vampires had some sort of test to screen these guys before they got all dark and toothy.

This was just too bizarre. He could deal with scary vampires, even the odd silly vampires thrown in here and there. Shit, Breathred had made him sit through
Love at First Bite
a hundred times, so
silly
the chimp could understand. Not like, but comprehend in a sadistic sort of way. Neurotic vampires were a totally different matter. It was like following a satanic Woody Allen, dressed in full Bela Lugosi regalia.

The sound of their muffled voices died away. Stud thought it safe to tiptoe to the edge of the embankment and peek down. This 007 shit was hard on his nerves. He placed his hand on the rim and a trickle of dirt cascaded down the slope. The unmistakable sound of the two vampires coming to a halt paralyzed him with fear. Stud waited breathlessly for them to come rushing back to see what had ‘caused the waterfall of dirt.

Seconds droned by as Stud clutched dirt to himself, knowing at any minute he would be vampire chow. Well, let the fuckers bite him. He'd shit on them, not that he would be able to help himself. Defecation was a chimpanzee's natural defense mechanism against danger. Just ask Tarzan, if you don't believe it. The goob was known as Shithead of the Apes until he was old enough to realize rain wasn't brown and lumpy.

The crunch of footsteps sent him scampering back into the darkness that hugged the night. The chimp had just made it to safety when Lewis poked his head above the rim of the hole. The vampire's eyes pivoted around, drinking in every inch of the dig site. Stud slithered further between a mound of dirt and a warped piece of plywood that had been thrown against it haphazardly. It wasn't much, but it was better than nothing.

Stud's heart sank as the vampire breached the top and stood motionless. Lewis’ eyes flashed yellow in the pale darkness, stopping close to the spot where Stud was hidden. Well, wasn't this a fine kettle of fish? He was trapped like a mole-man by Huggy Bear's idiot nephew.

Stud's breath caught in his throat when a sound came from the direction of camp; the vamp whipped around. Stud lifted his head for a closer look. Dr. Grayson stumbled along in the dark with a flickering flashlight gripped tightly in her trembling hand. He peeked back. The vampire had composed himself and had a smile in place as the professor reached him.

"Doctor Grayson, so good to see you,” Lewis said.

Stud shifted around expecting him to vamp out at any moment.

"Hope, I didn't scare you. I must have looked like a zombie or something."

"Not at all. Leopold is already below. He asked me to wait for you. He was afraid you might stumble. The area is very treacherous going in the darkness.” Stud had to admit the vamp lied quite convincingly.

"Oh, you shouldn't have. I'm sure you're just as anxious as Mr. Chambris Portus to get a look."

"Not in the least. This is Leopold's passion. As far as I'm concerned the past is dead. The future ... now, that's something worth worrying about."

"I see,” Doctor Grayson said, not hiding the disdain in her voice.

"I hope I haven't offended you.” Stud could tell the vamp didn't really care if he did.

"It's strange to find a man with your obvious enlightenment being so cavalier about something as important as this."

"Look. I'm not knocking what you do, but Leopold has pretty much killed my historical bent. This is important to him, so I get dragged along, whether I want to be or not, which explains why I'm up here in the cold instead of down there in the cold."

"Lewis, how many times have I told you not to show your ignorance to strangers?” Leopold said, as he returned from the excavation. “You must excuse him, Dr. Grayson. He's from a purely pedestrian background with no sense of the importance of this endeavor."

Stud couldn't help but notice, 1) the sneer that plastered Lewis’ face at the remark or 2) the fact Leopold chose to ignore it. Trouble in paradise was something they could use. He couldn't wait to tell Breathred and Luna when they hooked back up. From the look on the other vampire's face, he almost thought they might come to blows over it. The Leopold guy noticed too. Instead of defusing the situation, he swept past Lewis, grabbed Dr. Grayson by the arm and headed back to camp.