MisStaked (46 page)

"All in due time."

With a loud thump Breathred and Lewis let the coffin lid fall to the tomb floor. Letting out a huge sigh, Breathred slipped to the floor beside it, surprised to see Lewis settling down beside him.

"Times like this I miss a good beer,” Lewis confided, under his breath. “Don't let Leopold know I said that. Beer is on his list of bourgeois articles not to be brought up in his presence. So's the Westminster Dog Show, but for entirely different reasons—something about a cocker spaniel and sock drawers."

"Excuse me, but I have to ask you. Why are you with that nut job? You seem normal. Well, normal for a vampire,” Breathred whispered.

"Leo's all right. He's just a little confused at the moment,” Lewis replied.

Breathred gave Leopold a quick glance to make sure he wasn't listening. “Come on. This goes beyond confused and straight into rubber room dairies."

Lewis shrugged. “You got me there, but he's my maker. I'm not trying to justify it or anything, but it's the way things are with vampires. You just gotta go with it."

"My Dad made me, but you don't see me kidnapping people and trying to take over the world so the sales at his convenience store'll go up,” Breathred replied.

"Lewis, do stop fraternizing with the help. We have work to do,” Leopold said.

Leopold leaned over the edge of the sarcophagus. He gently brushed aside the eons of cobwebs and dust that covered the lifeless body of the Mother of vampires. He had imagined this moment differently when he first embarked to bring about the mother's return. Now, faced with the reality of it, the vampire found the moment not as he pictured it at all. For one thing, there were no male strippers.

No, it wasn't how he pictured it at all. He expected her to look a bit more lifelike. You would think the Mother of them all would look more well-preserved. She certainly had let herself go. You would never catch him looking so ... He didn't even want to think of the words it'd take to describe her. She wasn't even wearing make-up. What kind of woman would allow herself to be found without even a smidgen of concealer to hide the imperfections?

"She looks a bit gristly to me,” Lewis said, popping his head over Leopold's shoulder.

"Philistine, show more respect,” Leopold snapped, the force of his voice driving Lewis from the coffin. Leopold couldn't help but agree with him, but it didn't mean he would let him get away with saying it.

"There's still time to walk away,” Breathred said.

"Shut up. I have had quite enough of your tongue for this evening,” Leopold grumbled. Why did everyone think he was open to discussion?

"Just letting you know you don't have to do this. Your Mother isn't what you think she is."

"Oh, and how would you know? This is beyond your feeble little world, Petrifunck."

"I know she won't serve you or give you what you want,” Breathred said.

"I guess she told you this, did she?"

"Well, yeah. She did,” Breathred admitted.

"You lying little shit! She would not talk to a lowly human.” Leopold grabbed Breathred by his collar, lifting him into the air. “Now, you take it back before I scuff my new Pradas kicking you in the butt."

"Kick away, because I'm telling the truth,” Breathred said, as he dangled in the vampire's grasp.

"Hey, boss. I think he's telling the truth,” Lewis leaned in and offered.

"Just kill him and bring her back, here and now,” Easily interjected.

"No, I had Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen, himself, design the sacrificial room. I will not have it take place in a drafty tomb, when a perfectly delightful room is waiting for us back in Seattle,” Leopold said, flatly.

"You're shitting me! We could get this over with right now, and you're waiting because you don't like the ambience?” Easily cried in disbelief.

"One must consider decorum in such matters. I wouldn't want the Mother to think I'm not of sufficient station to be the one to wake her. I will not have her thinking I am lowbrow. I am unanimous in that,” Leopold said, to end the conversation whether Dr. Easily wanted it ended or not. “Lewis, please gag Mr. Petrifunck. I can't even bring myself to call him Breathred after all the lies he's been telling."

Breathred didn't even struggle when Leopold handed him off to Lewis. There was no need to fight it. He had to trust D'brea had reached Luna and had something planned to help. He hadn't seen her in almost an hour, so could only assume she was with them. If not, he was on his own and didn't like the thought. Didn't like it at all.

Lewis made short work of tying him up. Once he was deposited on the floor, they set to work on removing D'brea's body from the sarcophagus. Despite his reluctance to their tampering, Breathred was glad to see Jessica was overseeing the project. Somehow he doubted D'brea would appreciate a broken body when she made it back.

"Damn right, I won't,” D'brea whispered in his ear.

Breathred mumbled something understandably incoherent through the gag.

"Shut up. It's not like I can hear you through that piece of rag,” she ordered.

He continued to mumble. “Blubby whubber rrr doo?"

"Bit daft, aren't you? They can't see me. I'm invisible. I had to come back and reconnect with my body. I was beginning to feel lost."

"Whubber rrrr du udders?"

"They're outside waiting for you to come out. Brogan has a plan. Don't worry, we'll have you free in a jiffy. Now, be quiet. The young one's looking over here. I have to go."

Breathred turned his head to see Lewis was giving him a strange look. The vampire's reaction didn't surprise him. If he were looking at himself, he'd be giving himself a strange look, too.

They had removed the body from the sarcophagus while he had been talking to D'brea. Jessica was already wrapping the body for transport. Doing a good job of it, too. He'd forgotten she'd spent two years studying ancient burial techniques. When Easily was finished, D'brea's body could survive just about anything. Breathred smiled when he saw her do a secondary wrap with waterproof cloth to end the job. Jessica might be a low down dirty traitor, but she knew how to treat antiquities.

Jessica wiped a sheen of sweat from her brow. “All finished, Leopold. The body is ready for transport."

"Good. Then let's head ‘em up and move ‘em out. I always wanted to say that.” Leopold beamed.

"Leopold, what about them?” Lewis pointed to Dr. Grayson and Truehart.

"Leave them, as they are. No sense carrying around anymore dead weight than we need to."

"What about Petrifunck?” Jessica asked.

Leopold dismissed her question with a wave of his hand. Instead, he walked over to Breathred. Bending down, he pulled Breathred's head up by his chin.

"You will be a good boy. Won't you? I have to untie your legs so you can walk. Just understand, it doesn't give you license to run away or play the hero. I'm going to pull this dreadful gag out of your mouth, so you can answer."

"You won't get away with this,” Breathred said.

"I feel it redundant to say I already have, but I have. So there,” Leopold mocked, adding an uncharacteristic raspberry to his statement. “Your friends are tied up. There is no one else to stop me."

"D'brea will stop you."

"And who is this new figment of your imagination?"

"If you don't know, I pity you, because you're more ignorant than I thought you were.” Breathred looked for some sign D'brea was still around but the woman was nowhere to be found.

"Ew! Lewis, tie his hands behind his back and put the gag back in. I will not be called ignorant by a virgin,” Leopold ordered, drawing a giggle from Jessica. “You stow it before I have Lewis gag you, as well. Virgin smack is bad enough without having to take it from the vindictive slut contingent."

"Bastard!” Jessica shouted.

"Bitch!"

"Oh, I am sorry to have offended you with my name calling,” Jessica said in a sickeningly sweet voice. “Sometimes I forget what kind of man you are."

"That's more like it."

"What I meant to have said was DRIED UP OLD BITCH!” she shot back with a furious howl.

Leopold dabbed his nose with a purple handkerchief. “We do know the scent of our own kind, don't we?"

"Kiss my ass."

"It's not like I couldn't find it in the dark.” Leopold laughed.

"Are you saying I have a big butt?” Jessica fumed.

Leopold did a passable rendition of the Cabbage Batch. “And I cannot lie."

"People, aren't we forgetting a little something, like getting out of here?” Lewis intervened. “And stop doing that, Leo, my man. You're making me regret giving you a copy of
Monster Booty
for your birthday."

Leopold turned on Lewis with his fangs bared. Breathred took a nervous step back, glad he was standing behind the younger vampire. He kept waiting for the other shoe to drop, hoping the two vamps would take each other out, saving his friends from having to rescue him.

"Lewis, you are quite correct,” Leopold said, retracting his fangs.

"Glad, you noticed.” Lewis smiled.

"Don't get all smug. You're still lugging the Mother out of here. Easily, if you would take please keep Breathred in hand, I think we can depart."

Breathred couldn't help but notice the evil smile play over the woman's face. He still couldn't understand why she would betray them to Leopold. Breathred knew she could be domineering at times, but this went way beyond being cranky or bossy. A rough shove ended his confusing thoughts. They were off.

Breathred hoped he would have time to talk to her. Maybe, he would have an opportunity to speak with her before they got around to killing him. Breathred did so hate to have people mad at him. If he actually was going to die, he hated to think he would die without giving her a chance to get what was bothering her off her chest. He was stupid like that.

[Back to Table of Contents]

Boffrend's accepts no responsibility for any wrongful death suits your career as a vampire hunter may bring about.

Exiting the tomb, Leopold flinched, as the first snowflake hit him. He turned around to make some comment on the event to Lewis. Remembering his fellow vampire was burdened with the Mother, Leo grumpily clamped his mouth shut. Why was everyone busy when he felt the need to rant? He could have told Ms. Easily about the matter, but the thought of putting up with another of the woman's verbal barrages was more than he could stand.

Instead, he would store the comment for later discussion. It was a long trip back to Seattle and would need something to talk about to break the monotony of his brooding. Over the course of his life, Leopold had discovered being broody on long trips was the best way to avoid unwanted conversation. If he managed it right, he could get what he wanted to say out, then make some stray remark from Lewis appear more dire than it was and bypass any of Lewis’ bland reminiscing of the good old days when pimps were pimps and women could bring in enough to afford the finer things in life, like gold lame and crystal pumps.

Leopold pointedly ignored the grunts that announced Lewis exiting the tomb. If he couldn't talk about those things he wished to, the vampire saw no need to speak to the man at all. He wasn't being petty. He was just being practical. Besides, conversation might distract Lewis from the job at hand. All they needed was for the clumsy oaf to drop the Mother in a pile of snow because the younger vampire couldn't listen and walk at the same time.

Perhaps he should have had Petrifunck assist dear Lewis. No, it would be too risky. Petrifunck was obviously unbalanced. It was the only explanation for the man's outrageous claims about talking to the Mother. The very idea the Mother would converse with a lowly human was ludicrous. Leopold was certain someone as powerful as the Mother would only talk to well-dressed people of discernable breeding who shopped at only the finer upscale establishments. Neiman Marcus sprang to mind, but he wasn't one to drop names willy-nilly.

Leopold topped the mound of the dig that had, until recently, covered the tomb. The flurries were flying even harder above the tomb. He flipped up the collar on his jacket, hoping it would ward off the majority of the icy flakes. Leopold moved away from the edge before he was enlisted by Lewis to aid him in his extraction from the gaping hole. Propriety dictated he remain aloof from such menial endeavors. To that end, the vampire stared blissfully at the sky until he heard his party stagger to rest beside him.

As Leopold opened his mouth say something particularly snide, Brogan launched his attack. The first snowball struck Leopold full in the chest. The second one caught him in the face. The stinging projectiles sent him sailing back into the other three. He screeched, as three more snowballs slashed into him on his downward descent.

"I have been violated by Frosty the Snowman,” he howled, frantically wiping snow from his face and chest.

"That's right Buster! If you don't want to meet his throbbing icicle, hand over Breathred,” Stud shouted from the darkness.

"Don't forget about me,” D'brea whispered in Stud's ear.

"Yeah, and the moldy corpse, too."

"You really are an unpleasant little creature. Do you realize that?"

"I call ‘em like I see ‘em, Sugar Dumpling."

"You two, shut the hell up,” Brogan hissed from across the cluttered area.

"If you humans are through, I feel it incumbent to inform you the virgin is mine.” Leopold grabbed Breathred by the neck and dragged him in front of himself. “I also feel it relevant to tell you if another snowball so much as grazes my person, I will rip his head clean from his shoulders."

"You're bluffing.” Stud jumped from his hiding place with a snowball in hand.

"Ah, the monkey.” Leopold jerked Breathred's head back sharply, revealing his pulsating jugular. “Try me."

"Stud!” Luna screamed from where she sat beside Brogan.

"Look, Vampy. All we want is Breathred,” Brogan said, before things got any worse.

"Well, you can't have him. He's my virgin and I'm keeping him,” Leopold ranted.

Luna jumped from cover. “He's my boyfriend and I want him back, now!"

"If he wanted you, we wouldn't be having this conversation. Now, would we?” Leopold asked. “Perhaps he wouldn't be a virgin, if you actually had something he wanted."