Mister Distraction (Distraction #2) (35 page)

“Are you sure? I can stay and go in the morning. If I go, I want you to be here when I come home.” I weaved my fingers through hers and she started walking toward the front door, my feet following suit. She gave me a slight shrug, but didn’t say anything. Jenny bounced in front of us, and I incoherently walked to my Jeep.

Jenny climbed into her Toyota Camry and took off down the driveway. I sat there stunned, mad, and feeling like I lost complete control.

“Fuck!” I yelled as I slammed my hands on the steering wheel. I got back out of my Jeep and walked back into the quiet house. Katarina was curled up on the smaller sofa, and my heart broke at the sight.
Why didn’t she ask me to stay? Why didn’t she tell Jenny to take a flying leap? Wasn’t that what normal girls did when someone threatened to interfere with their love?
Dave and Sofiia snuggled together on the other sofa, but all I kept looking at was Katarina. I wasn’t sure she would ever fight for me. If given a choice, she would withdraw from me rather than fight for what we had. I turned to sneak back out to my Jeep. I didn’t drive to Jenny’s though; I had some built-up aggression I needed to take care of.

I hit the gym. I needed to punch something, kick the shit out of something. I was beginning to hate the pussy I was becoming. I punched the large training bag as I scolded myself. I had changed for her, and her indifference to me leaving with another woman stirred feelings of self-doubt. I kicked the heavy bag, using all my strength and energy. She tempted me in every way, making me question what was truly important. I chose her, and ultimately, she told me she loved me and then pushed me away. I closed my eyes, catching my breath, picturing the
look on her face when she let me leave with Jenny. She still had walls up…shielding herself from me. Feelings of anger and insecurity rocked through my body as I moved to the treadmill and took off in a sprint. My mind wouldn’t stop racing. Yesterday, everything had been foggy and rushed, but right now it was clear, and I still questioned all of it.

After an hour-and-a-half of working out, trying to take my aggressions out, I left the gym and headed towards Jenny’s pregnant horse.

I pulled in front of the Ronalds’ barn, and all I could see was Jacy’s teenaged, smiling face. She was so strong, knew what she wanted, and would tell me straight if something bugged her. Jacy had never taken shit from anyone, including me. I slammed the Jeep door shut as I trudged towards the barn door. Jenny was there to greet me with a huge, welcoming smile playing on her lips.

“I thought you changed your mind.” I brushed past her and walked toward the horse lying in the hay. She had the equipment out, and it was clear she was documenting everything. I picked up her paperwork as she peered over my shoulder. It was irritating. I needed space, and her closeness was causing me to grow agitated again.

“How does she look?” Her voice was squeaky. She was nervous.

“Well, since I am here, let me take a look.” I eased over to the sleeping mare, placed a stethoscope over her heart, moved lower to where the baby was inside her, and listened to the faster heartbeat. I felt around, and everything seemed to be normal. Fuck, I hated that word.

“She’s good, but it’s not going to happen tonight. I would say a couple days.” Her smile dropped. I moved to sidestep around her and she blocked me.

“Will you stay and talk with me?” I glanced into her big, brown eyes—Jacy’s eyes—and nodded my head.

I took a seat in the hay, and she followed my lead. She started talking about school and the horse, never letting a moment of silence slip in. I laughed when she told funny stories about interactions with animals, and gave advice when she asked. She seemed to have a lot of questions about the horse, and I answered every one of them. It was nice that we had so much in common. I think we could probably be good friends. She was cute, and had Jacy’s mannerisms, which I
missed. I lay back in the hay, suddenly very tired. She lay next to me and continued to talk.

“Jason, I miss Jacy a lot. Do you miss her?” I squeezed my eyes shut, knowing that no good could come from this conversation.

“Yes, Jenny, I do.” I felt her roll over, her warm breath on my neck.

“I could be her.” She was silent for a long moment. “If you want, I could be just like her.” That was the most bizarre thing I had ever heard.

“You can’t be her, Jenny. She’s dead. No one can be her.” She sighed and I got a whiff of her minty breath.

“Do you want to kiss me? You can. Close your eyes and…well, I have her same lips. You could pretend.” My eyes shot open at the word pretend.

“I am really sick of pretending, Jenny.” I turned my head, focused on her lips, and remembered how much I liked to kiss Jacy. That was the reason I’d refused to kiss anyone else for the last nine years. I didn’t want to taint those memories. Jenny’s lips were full, and they appeared soft, but I wasn’t going to kiss her.

“Jenny, I loved your sister, and when she died she took a piece of me with her. I am not the same man. I might look and sound the same, but everything on the inside has changed. If Jacy was still here, she wouldn’t like who I have become.” I sighed, tired of talking and listening. “Jenny, it’s not going to happen for us.” I closed my eyes and she continued to breathe on my neck.

“Why not? We like the same things; my parents adore you. I can make you happy.” The whole thing sounded incredibly desperate.

“I have a girlfriend, and I care for her, a lot.” She leaned in closer and inhaled right against my jaw. I opened my eyes and turned towards her again.

“She basically pushed you into my arms, Jason. She walked you to the door and turned her back on you. I could never do that, would never let you leave with a pretty woman.” I looked into her eyes and saw longing and passion, but I closed my eyes again and let my head turn towards the ceiling of the barn.

“She’s not you, Jenny. Her trust in me is something far greater than anyone else’s, including Jacy’s. Katarina knows how much I care for her.
She trusts in it.” She was quiet after that, and for some reason, when I said those words out loud, they calmed me, and I dozed off.

When I woke, Jenny’s body was pressed up against mine, her leg thrown over me.

“Jenny, wake up.” I repeated my words over and over. She woke and continued to stretch and yawn. Her sleepy eyes resembled her older sister’s so much that it was like I was speaking to Jacy.

“Goodbye,” I said in a quiet voice, feeling for the first time in years like I got closure. Sadness crept into my face, and I felt my eyes get moist. She was too busy trying to find her shoes to notice. I walked her to the house and drove back home.

Chapter Twenty-Three

I entered my quiet place, cursing under my breath that the home alarm wasn’t set and the front door was unlocked. Katarina lay on the couch in a white, silk nightgown, my favorite one. I scooped her up in my arms and scaled the stairs. She felt great in my arms, and her clean scent sent dirty thoughts to my brain. I couldn’t smell my scent on her, and my mind raced to the many ways I could make her dirty again. I laid her on the bed and slipped into the shower.

I crawled into bed exhausted. My head hit the pillow, and I started to fall asleep immediately. Katarina’s voice woke me. “Did you deliver a baby horse tonight?”

“No, just did a lot of monitoring, making sure she was healthy.”

“She?” Her voice was annoyed and I had to wonder, was Katarina jealous? I rolled onto my side, but it was too dark and my eyes way too heavy-lidded to see her.

“The horse. Jenny is going to vet school, and she asked a lot of questions.” My voice trailed off and that was all I remembered.

In the morning, my eyes flew open, checking my bed for Katarina, but she wasn’t there. A feeling of loss took over my thoughts. I went to the bathroom, dreading the journey downstairs, knowing my beauty was gone. Bo greeted me at the bottom of the stairs, trailing behind me as I stepped out into the garage to feed him. I was pleasantly surprised to hear Katarina in the kitchen. She was making breakfast. I took my seat at the counter facing the kitchen and watched her closely. Her shorts and sweatshirt told me she had been awake for a while, and I guessed
she had taken a jog around the lake. Her bare feet gave me warm pleasure in my pajama pants—something about the sight of her naked feet on the hardwood. Maybe it was the idea of having her both barefoot and pregnant that gave me a boner. Her demeanor was defeated and tired, her shoulders not as square as they usually were, her back slightly rounded. She turned and walked straight for me, but never looked up. I smiled at the fact that she was upset with me.
That was better than indifferent, right?
My appetite was suddenly back, and I dug into my meal, interested to see where this was going. She plucked a yogurt from the fridge and took her seat on the stool next to mine.

“What do you want to do today?” I asked, and watched as she glanced around trying to pull off a nonchalant attitude, but I wasn’t buying it. I grinned, but it fell when she shrugged. She fucking shrugged like it didn’t matter. My anger grew instantly at that tiny, blasé movement.

I gritted my teeth. “How about we have a barbecue and invite my family over?” She tipped her chin and glanced at me, and I could see conflicting emotions cross her face. Then to completely give me a mind-fuck, she shrugged again.

My hand twitched. She needed to be disciplined for provoking me, but I knew too much about her past and it messed with my head. She was
fucking
with me, and I was
letting
her, and it was killing me.

“Are we going to talk about last night?” she said in a clear, confident voice. I felt like a cartoon character with smoke coming out of its ears. I was way too angry to talk, and her face held a smug smile, which pissed me off even more.

“What part? The ‘I love you’ part or ‘me leaving you all night’ part.” It was mean, and I was officially the biggest asshole she’d ever loved, but
fuck
if she didn’t provoke me. I needed to remind her she was in just as deep as I was, except I hadn’t verbally expressed my love yet.

That was it. My short-term mission was accomplished. She was irritated and frustrated, and as pissed off as I was. She slipped off her stool and stomped over to the sink, deposited her dishes, and disappeared upstairs without a word. I was sure she was regretting the “I love you” statement, and I cursed myself.

I pulled out my phone and sent a group text to my family, knowing they were at church.

Jason: BBQ at my house at 4. Everyone bring a side or dessert. C U then.

I received a text back right away saying that everyone would be here. I got off the stool, rinsed the dishes in the sink, and put them in the dishwasher before I headed upstairs. I didn’t know what my next move was with her. Everything was too exposed between us, and I knew I needed a break from it. I figured she probably needed the same thing. I had a mental talk with myself to not bring up anything about last night. I needed it to settle before we approached the topics again. I treaded up the stairs thinking about Jenny’s appearance last night, and how I was going to have to explain everything.

I pushed the door to my room open slowly. Katarina rarely closed doors, and I was allowing her a second before I barged in. She was getting off the bed as I entered. I ignored the tension, which was thick between us, and walked over to the closet to grab my shoes. She had her shoes on, and I glanced at her as I brushed past; the tormented look on her face was heartbreakingly scary. My heart started to pound in my chest. I knew I was losing her. I knew if I didn’t show her how I felt, she would leave.

“So I called everyone, and they will be here at four-ish. Are you going to the store with me?” I took a seat on the edge of the bed, busying myself with my shoes, focusing all my attention on my Nikes. I didn’t want to see her lifeless eyes, the eyes that told me nothing helpful, just made me struggle for breath.

“Okay, I’ll go, but I am not in a talkative mood.” Her voice rattled around in my brain. She was sad and it was all my fault.

“Come here,” I whispered and held my hand out. I wanted her to run into my arms, but she didn’t. She didn’t even hear me. She was in her own little bubble, and I wasn’t invited in. I lurched forward and scooped her up in my arms, holding her close. She struggled, pushing
me away, and parts of my heart started breaking. She wouldn’t leave me and think for a second I didn’t love her. I gently laid her on the bed, sliding in behind her and wrapping my arms around her. She finally relented to me and relaxed. I heard her start to cry; it was a silent cry at first, and then I heard the whimpers and the hiccupping sounds that indicated she was breaking on the inside. The sound was torture. “Shh,” I said in her ear, trying and failing to comfort her. My arms squeezed in response, and I attempted with all my might to keep her from falling apart. It was a silent reminder I was here and she had me. Her whole body trembled as she cried, and I felt horrible for not telling her how much I truly loved her. I buried my nose in her hair, scared that this was the only warning I was going to get before she disappeared. I closed my eyes tightly and held her close for a long time, enjoying the feel of her body against mine in this secure embrace. I wanted to tell her she was mine, remind her, but I couldn’t find the right words. I sat up, pulling her body with me. She wiped her eyes and offered me a comforting smile, which was ironic that she was trying to comfort me.