Misunderstandings (18 page)

I shifted my expression to appear nonchalant. I would not show my hurt. Technically, I had no reason to be hurt. No promises were offered and no illusions were given.

I was searching my brain for something to say when he surprised me by draping his clothes over the back of the chair and adding my dress to the pile. A moment later, he rejoined me in bed.

“You’re staying?” I asked, unable to help myself as he flipped off the bedroom light.

“Is that okay?” he asked, climbing under the blanket with me.

“Yes,” I whispered. His arm reached around, dragging me flush against his body.

“Good, because I don’t think I could leave if you asked me to,” he murmured in my ear.

Present Day

Early the next morning, Justin tenderly made love to me as the sun was slowly coming up over the horizon. It was breathtakingly beautiful and I had to bite my lip to keep from crying. Whereas last night had been all about unbridled heat, this morning was about what our bodies remembered about each other. It took every ounce of self-control in me to not declare my love for him.

Afterward, when we were lying in each other’s arms, Justin broke the silence. “When do you leave?”

“On Monday,” I answered, running my fingers across his palm. “I’m here for a week so Melissa and I can catch up.”

“Can I see you again?” he asked, lacing his fingers with mine.

I smiled. “I’d like that. When do you have in mind?”

“How about now?”

I laughed at his words. “Don’t you have to work?”

“I’m currently between jobs. I just finished the warehouse venue from last night and have a private job starting next Wednesday. Which means, I’m pretty much free as a bird for the next few days.”

“Is it wise for us to do this?” I asked, trying to be the voice of reason.

“We’re consenting adults with no relationship attachments dictating what we can and can’t do.”

“I mean, should we be doing this with our history? Shouldn’t this be wrong?”

“Does it feel wrong?”

“No-o-o, but I know it should,” I answered honestly.

“Can I ask you a question?” he asked, tightening his arms around me.

I nodded, though I was afraid of what his question might be.

“Have you thought of me at all in the last two years?”

“Of course,” I answered, unsure where he was going with this.

“And was it all bad, or did you think about the good stuff too?”

“Both. What about you? Wait, never mind.” We both knew what his answer would be. It was no secret how much he had hated me just two days ago.

“That’s the kicker. I wanted to hate you, and at times I did, but there was always something inside me fighting for you. I
don’t know if that makes any sense. You know how I said I ended a relationship recently?”

I nodded.

“Well, I lied when I said it was commitment issues. The more accurate description would be she wasn’t you. Despite loathing you at times, I couldn’t help comparing every damn woman I’ve dated the last two years to you. Now that I have you in my arms, I’m positive that’s where you’re supposed to be.”

I digested his words before accepting them. I was no different. Yes, we had ripped each other’s hearts out, but I could never get past the good times we’d shared. “How can this even work, though?” I asked. “I leave in four days. I have a life back home that I can’t just walk away from,” I stated, even though a persistent little voice in the back of my head told me I could if I wanted to.

“We’ll cross that bridge when we get to it. I’m not going to ask you to give everything up for me again,” he replied, kissing the back of my neck.

The morning melted away as we remained in bed, wrapped together. We eventually fell back asleep for a while in the afternoon before waking and making love again. It was as if our bodies knew we were on borrowed time and they were trying to get their fill. By evening we were both hungry enough to venture out for real food. We hit one of my favorite cafés from college life before strolling along Puget Sound, talking the entire time. It was amazing how quickly we fell back to our old patterns. Two years of maturity had us talking about
different issues than what was relevant back then. Adulthood and responsibilities had a way of making a person look at certain issues differently. Suddenly jobs with insurance and how much we would have to pay in taxes made us wish we could run back home. I was thrilled to learn that Justin had proven his father wrong and not only was making a living off his art, but found it profitable.

“I bet that irks the shit out of him,” I commented as we headed back to my hotel.

He shrugged. “He’s pretty much MIA now. Ever since Mom got remarried we don’t see a whole lot of him.”

Justin tried to hide it, but I could tell it bothered him. His father might be a prick, but he was still his dad. “Maybe one of these days he’ll come around,” I said.

“I won’t be holding my breath. Besides, it’s not like I hold the market on bad fathers.”

“True. He could be a complete absentee like mine. It’s been years since Mom and I have heard from him.”

“His loss,” Justin reassured me, patting my hand.

Like him, I shrugged with indifference. I’d given up on having a father figure in my life years ago when the letters I had sent begging him to come to my eighth birthday party went unanswered. After that, I pretty much crossed him off my list. I hardly remembered him enough to miss him anyway.

I changed the subject as we were pulling into the parking lot of my hotel. Justin followed me up to my room. That became our routine during the next few days. We’d go to bed together each night and spend the days rediscovering the city.
As my time in Seattle ticked by, I began preparing myself for the inevitable heartache of leaving. We spent Friday with Melissa and Rob on a boat the guys had rented for the day. Saturday we hung with Justin’s family, and by Sunday, I was sick at the idea that I’d be leaving the next morning. I made a spur-of-the-moment decision when Justin was in the shower to surprise him and change my flight to Wednesday morning. I figured I could leave before he had to start his new job.

Justin was thrilled that we had two bonus days together and we decided to keep it secret so the two days could be all ours. Feeling like we had been given a gift, we celebrated by staying in bed all day Sunday. We felt as if we’d been given a stay of execution.

• • •

Justin was still sleeping when I woke before dawn on Monday morning. I studied his features in the dim light. He looked younger and more relaxed, like the boy he was two years ago. The love I felt for that boy had been buried so deeply below the hurt that I thought it was gone. In two days, I would be leaving him again and I was scared of the pain that would come along with it. I knew there was a way to avoid it, I just didn’t know if I was brave enough to make that decision.

Deciding to let him sleep, I climbed quietly from the bed and snuck into the bathroom to shower. Steam was just beginning to fill the small room when I heard the door open. Seconds later, Justin joined me, and neither of us spoke as he pulled me into his arms, covering my mouth with his. We made
love under the hot water cascading down our bodies. It felt bittersweet—like a good-bye. I knew Justin wanted me to stay, but he would not pressure me, not the way things ended before. He would let me go if that was the decision I made.

Over the next two days, neither of us brought up the subject of me staying. Instead, Justin made it his goal to take me to all of our old favorite haunts in Seattle. I chuckled as we sipped coffee at the café on campus where we had first met and he reminded me of how snotty I had been.

“That’s because you thought you were God’s gift to women,” I said, defending myself between giggles.

“What do you mean, thought?” he teased, winking at me. My stomach fluttered. Even after two years, he couldn’t help being a flirt.

“Ha, we better slide over a second table so your ego has a place to sit.”

“Admit it. You wanted me. Even at that moment,” he said, pulling me in close for a kiss.

“More than I was willing to admit,” I finally confessed.

“I knew it,” he crowed, pumping his fist in the air.

“Oh lord. Don’t make me regret telling you that.”

“I’ll tell you a secret,” he said, slinging his arm across my shoulders as we strolled away from the café. He leaned in and placed his lips close to my ear. “I thought you were the most beautiful woman I had ever seen when you gave me a piece of your mind that day. I fell for you hook, line, and sinker. I had to force myself not to follow you like a lovesick puppy when you stomped away.” His words made my heart clench.

“That’s just because you wanted to get in my pants,” I said, keeping the conversation playful. I couldn’t afford to let myself dwell on our impending separation.

“Well, that too,” he laughed, placing a soft kiss on my temple.

I tried laughing with him, but it was a forced effort.

We kept things light as we soaked up the last of our remaining time together. I could tell it was difficult for us both when Wednesday showed up like an unwanted bill that was due immediately.

Justin drove me to the airport that morning. We could try to act differently, but the mood was somber. I stared blindly out the window, not paying attention to the passing landscape.

My heart felt like a brick with each mile. I had no idea how I could walk away from him again. We were both silent as he pulled his jeep into the parking garage and unloaded my bags. I gripped his free hand as we walked inside, not ready to let go.

Eventually, we hit the security checkpoint and he could no longer accompany me.

“I’ll call you tonight,” he said, cupping my face.

I nodded as my eyes began to well up. I felt like I needed to say something more

“I’m here—whatever you decide,” he said reassuringly, pulling me into his arms. It was as if he could read my thoughts.

“I’ll never regret this week,” I murmured, burying my head in his chest.

“Neither will I,” he answered, stroking my back.

Unable to stand the pain any longer, I tipped my head back
and captured his lips before turning and walking away. I told myself I wouldn’t look back. That it would only make it hurt more, but I couldn’t help myself. He was standing off to the side, watching me. It threatened to bring me to my knees, but I blew him a kiss. With each step after that, I had to fight the urge to turn and run back to him. This was the second time I’d walked away from him and the finality of it was crushing.

Present Day

Woodfalls was covered in an unseasonably early blanket of snow when I drove my car down Main Street past my apartment. I was mentally and physically exhausted from my trip and would have liked nothing more than to curl up in a ball on my bed, but I knew Tressa would kill me if I didn’t come by to see her first.

I pulled into her driveway and couldn’t help smiling at the small obscene snowman on the front lawn. The carrot nose had been moved down below his belly, obviously the handiwork of Tressa’s thirteen-year-old brother, Chris, and most likely his partner in crime, John. Putting my car in park, I
climbed from my car, smiling again when I noticed the backside of the snowman resembled a nude person.

Without bothering to ring the doorbell, I opened the front door to Tressa’s house.

“Brittni, you’re back,” Stephenie, Tressa’s mom, greeted me, looking up from the blanket she was crocheting.

“I just got in. Is Tressa in her room?”

“Yeah. She missed you while you were gone,” she answered.

I nodded but didn’t answer as I took the stairs two at a time up to Tressa’s room. Without knocking, I pushed open the door.

“Black, I like,” I said, taking in her recently dyed hair.

“I felt like shaking things up. You know, get some tongues wagging here in Deadfalls,” she said in her typical sarcastic tone. “I thought you were coming home Sunday,” she added, opening the bottle of black nail polish that was lying next to her knee.

“I missed you too, sugar lips,” I answered, picking up a bottle of purple polish.

“Aww, shucks, are we dating?” she asked, batting her thick eyelashes at me. “I’m not sure how I feel about eating peaches.”

“Ew, don’t be crude,” I said, smiling halfheartedly.

“You look like shit. Did Mr. Ass Face show his true colors again?”

“No,” I snipped.

“Holy shit,” she said, knowingly. “I told you he’d win you back. Don’t tell me you’re in love with him again.”

“I’m not in love with him.”

“Right, and I’m Mother Theresa,” Tressa said dismissively.

“Look, I don’t know what I am. I’m still trying to figure things out.”

“Figure out what? Either you’re into him or you’re not.”

I shrugged without saying another word, wishing it was that simple.

We spent the next half hour catching up. She told me about the nightmare date she’d gone on over the weekend. I loved Tressa to death, but her taste in guys was atrocious. Somehow, she was a magnet for assholes. Behind the tough exterior she liked to portray, she had crazy insecurities where guys were concerned. I personally blamed her ex-boyfriend, Jackson. He’d basically stripped away her confidence during the several years they had dated. I was convinced it was his own insecurities that made him feel the need to belittle Tressa. The guy was a total momma’s boy. He made Tressa second-guess her appeal.

Once we had exhausted Tressa’s disastrous date, she tried to bring up Justin again. I brushed off her questions, claiming to be tired as I rose from her bed. Truthfully, it was a subject I had to work out on my own. I knew what the look on her face meant when her eyebrows came together, but she dropped the issue. I threw her a quick kiss good-bye before fleeing from the room.

Five minutes later, I pulled behind Mr. James’s hardware store, where I rented the small apartment above. Hauling my suitcases from the trunk of my car, I trekked through the snow to the wooden staircase. By the time I made it to my one-room flat, I was both physically and mentally exhausted.
I dropped onto my pull-out couch that also served as my bed. I couldn’t help thinking how bleak it suddenly seemed. Just a week ago, I was satisfied with my life. I was ready to finish the last of my intern hours so I could officially become a teacher. Now, what I was missing was glaringly obvious.

I decided I’d better call my mom. If word spread—and it would—that I was home and I hadn’t called her, shit would hit the fan.

“Hey, Mom. I just wanted you to know I made it back okay.”

“Oh, Brittni. You should have stopped by.”

“I know, Mom. I’m sorry, but I was too tired.”

“Well, come on over and rest here. You can tell me about your trip, and I’ll make you something to eat.”

“No thanks, Mom. I really am too tired to leave.”

My phone buzzed, indicating I had another call. As I looked at the Caller ID, my first genuine smile of the day spread across my face.

“Hey, Mom, I have to go, okay? I’ll call you tomorrow.”

“Okay, honey. Make sure you call me. Bye.”

I tapped the screen to take the incoming call. “Hi,” I answered.

“Hey, you made it back?” Justin asked.

“Yeah, a little while ago. I miss you.” The words slipped out before I could retract them.

“I miss you too, sweet stuff. More than should be humanly possible.”

“What are we going to do?” I asked despairingly.

“We’re going to take it one day at a time. We’ll talk on the
phone every day, and in three weeks, when I finish this job, I’ll come see you.”

“You will?” I asked.

“Well, yeah. I mean, I already bought my ticket, if that’s okay?” he admitted hesitantly. “Brittni? Is that cool?” he asked again, breaking the silence when I didn’t respond.

“Heck yeah,” I finally replied, letting him off the hook. “Were you worried there?”

“Yes. Don’t screw with me like that.”

“Sorry. I was just teasing,” I said. For the next hour, we continued chatting about nothing in particular. It was a double-edged sword. I loved hearing his voice, but it made the distance between us even more obvious. He promised to call the next evening before hanging up.

The next day turned out to be a huge bore, since I no longer had classes and wasn’t needed at the school. I drove the few short blocks to Mom’s house for dinner. I was thankful to have something to occupy my time.

“You look rough,” she greeted me as I walked into the kitchen, where she was finishing a pot of chili.

“Gee, thanks, Mom,” I said dryly, grabbing a handful of crackers from the package on the counter.

“Just making an observation. I guess your ‘conference’ was pretty tedious,” she stated, letting me know she had seen through my excuse.

I sighed. I was no longer sure why I had felt the need to keep her in the dark on every aspect of my life. “I went to Seattle for a friend’s engagement,” I said, throwing it out there.

“And to see the boy who broke your heart two years ago,” she said, stirring the pot.

“Yes,” I answered.

“And did you two fix what was broken?”

“How did you know it was something broken and not just a typical breakup?” I asked.

“How did I know? Honey, I don’t get my nosey nicknames by sitting back and cooling my heels. I knew the moment you came home all broken inside that some boy had done that to you. Only love can break a gal’s spirit like that. I waited for you to come to me and tell me. I figured you’d get around to it when you were ready,” she said, pulling two bowls from the cabinet.

“You never said anything.”

“That’s because I know how much you value your privacy. I know my runaway tongue embarrasses you, but it’s who I am. I figured I owed it to you not to pry this time.”

I felt so ashamed. For years I’d kept her in the dark, punishing her for who she is. I gave her an awkward hug. “I’m sorry, Mom. I never meant to make you feel bad.”

“It’s okay, honey. I know we’re different, but I want you to know that doesn’t mean I don’t love you.”

“I love you too,” I said, sinking down at the bar with my bowl of chili in hand.

“Tell me about your trip and why it made you unhappy.”

I decided to go back to the very beginning. I filled her in on everything from meeting Justin at the café to spending Thanksgiving with him that year to the first time he told me he loved me. Our untouched chili cooled as I told her about
the pregnancy and then the miscarriage. I was surprised when tears rolled down her cheeks and she reached out to grasp my hand. I even told her how Justin had outed me for an abortion I never had. Finally I moved to my recent visit to Seattle. Through my whole confession, my normally talkative mom remained silent. She gave me a hug that didn’t feel nearly as awkward as the first one before reheating our chili.

“I’m so sorry, honey, but I’m confident you and your young man will figure it out.”

“You are?” I asked surprised.

“Honey, you may be my flesh and blood, but you and I are as different as night and day. You see something you want and you go after it, no matter how scary it may seem.”

I mulled over her words as we both ate our chili in silence. In retrospect, I knew she was right. I was never one to not rise to a challenge. Only once had I ever let a situation beat me down. Feeling lighthearted, I headed home so I could be there when Justin called. I had no sooner sat down on my couch when my cell phone rang. I greeted him much the same way I had the night before, by declaring how much I missed him. Thankfully he seemed equally miserable, so I didn’t feel nearly as codependent as I thought. We talked for several hours, neither of us wanting to hang up. The rest of my week pretty much followed the same pattern with the exception of subbing a couple of days at the elementary school and the high school. The highlights of my days were the text messages Justin would send me and our nightly calls.

Two weeks after returning home, I finally got a call from
Ms. Miller, officially offering me Mrs. Duncan’s full-time position when she retired at Christmas break. The feeling of excitement that I was so sure would come when I finally secured a full-time position never manifested. I was appreciative but hated that there was yet another thing to tie me to Woodfalls. That night when I talked to Justin, I could tell by the lack of enthusiasm in his voice that he felt the same. He then delivered the blow that his trip would have to be delayed since his client had commissioned him for another job. I tried to interject cheer into my voice as I congratulated him, but my heart wasn’t in it. This was why long-distance relationships were impossible.

The next morning I felt marginally better when I woke to a text from Justin. I sent a return message and a few seconds later my phone rang.

“Morning,” I greeted him. “Sorry about last night. I just miss you so damn much.”

“I miss you too. I’m sorry about my trip being delayed,” he sighed. I knew without even seeing him that he was rubbing a hand over his head.

“That’s okay. Maybe I can come for Christmas,” I said, not sure if I was being too forward.

“Really?” he asked, sounding more excited than I’d heard him in the last few days.

“Sure,” I said as the idea took hold. “I don’t start until after Christmas break, so I’ll have those two weeks off.”

“That would be amazing,” he said.

“I think so too,” I said happily, not dwelling on the fact
that Christmas was still months away. We talked for a few more minutes before he had to return to work.

“I’ll call you later tonight,” he promised.

“You better,” I threatened. “Bye.”

“Bye, I love you,” he shocked me by saying just before he hung up the phone. Glancing at the phone in my hand, I wondered if I’d heard him right. We had both avoided saying the words. It got to the point where I wondered if we would ever be able to say them again. Sitting there with his words still swirling around my head, I knew without a shadow of a doubt that I loved him too. I always had and always would. I belonged with him. He was the love of my life.

Looking around my empty apartment, I realized that all the things I thought were tying me to Woodfalls merely needed to be untied. Grabbing my keys, I tore out of my apartment. Five minutes later, I was running up the stairs to Tressa’s room, glad she had no classes.

She was in the middle of typing something on her computer when I burst through her bedroom door. “Well, it’s about damn time,” she greeted me.

“What?” I asked, momentarily confused.

“You’re leaving, right?” she asked, setting her computer to the side.

“What? How? Did you tap my phone?” I asked.

“No, you turd. I can tell by your face. You’ve been a Debbie Downer for the last two weeks, and suddenly you burst into my room like you just won the lottery. It took you long enough to decide,” she added, glaring at me.

“You knew. How did you know when I didn’t even know?”

“Oh please. You talk about Seattle like it’s your mother ship, and Justin like he’s your alien lover or something. I can’t believe you waited this long.”

“Waited this long?” I asked. “I thought you would think I was a total ass for moving across the country for some guy who broke my heart. Not to mention, I have no idea how I’m going to tell my mom or Ms. Miller, who finally offered me the job yesterday. I’ll be leaving a lot behind,” I added defensively.

“Your mom will recover, and Ms. Miller will have to hire someone else.”

“Yeah, but what about you?”

“Brittni, seriously? I’ve known you’d be leaving since you got home. I’ve had two weeks to adjust to the idea. I’ll miss you like a pussycat misses her tomcat, but I get it. Dicks before chicks,” she smirked, tossing a pillow at me.

“Gah, you’re so crude,” I stated, returning her smile. “Are you sure you’ll be okay? Maybe you should move to Seattle with me.”

She snorted loudly. “I could never leave Deadfalls. It’s in my blood. I know I make fun of it, but I love this old town. I’m going to miss your twat-face though, and you better not forget about me,” she said. She stood and gave me a ferocious hug.

“I love you,” I said, squeezing her tight.

“I love you too.”

I left my best friend behind a few minutes later after she
promised to box up my belongings for me. My next stop was the school, where I turned down the job offer. With a few hours to kill, I went home and packed everything I could into my car, knowing Tressa would send me the rest. I contacted my landlord, Mr. James, and thanked him for renting me his loft. By four o’clock, I was ready to go with only one other person left to tell. I was just pulling into the driveway of the house I’d spent the first eighteen years of my life in when my mom pulled into the driveway next to me.