Momentary Lapse (18 page)

“A good reason for
you.
But not a good enough reason for me.” Madison moved to the other side of the bed, hugging her arms to her chest to stop herself running back to him. “All my life I've done what everyone else wanted. Except when it came to you.” She shook her head, her throat constricted. “I was willing to give up my relationship with my mother. For you. What did you give me in return?” Her question sparked a flicker of anger in her belly and Madison clung to it, cultivating it like the fragile flame it was.

“Madison, I barely know you.” Cole held up his hands as if trying to stop her. “You can't expect me to—”

“To what? Trust me?” Madison asked the question for him. “And yet I trusted you.”

“It's not that easy,” Cole protested.

“It
is
that easy.” It had been for her. Madison looked at him, her heart aching for what could have been. Never again would she sell herself short. And with Cole, she would always be left wondering what he harbored under the seething mess of his anger. What he really thought of her. He'd made Madison confront herself and in the end it hadn't been enough.

She tipped her face toward him and let him see the truth. “I want you to leave. Please.”

Cole shook his head, his gaze swinging from her to the door and back to Madison, disbelief hardening into anger. “If I go, Jess will come with me,” he threatened. “You'll be left with nothing. No one.”

“I know.” The idea of losing Jess hurt almost as much as the thought of losing Cole. But maybe it was better this way. Maybe she had to be truly stripped of everything before she could begin to rebuild. On her own.

“Have it your way.” Cole pushed past her and strode down the hall to Jess's room. “But you're making a huge mistake.”

“I might be,” Madison admitted, holding back her tears. “But it's my mistake.”

She locked herself in her bathroom, letting the sound of raised voices and slamming doors wash over her. Perched on the edge of the tub, she held still, staring at the door, praying Cole would burst in and tell her he didn't mean it…that he loved her.

The fact he didn't only confirmed what she had known all along. Cole could never forgive her for being Madison St. James.

The final slam of the front door rattled the walls and the apartment fell quiet. Only then did Madison venture out of her bathroom into the empty apartment.

Or nearly empty.

“I told him I wasn't leaving.” Jess stood in the doorway of her bedroom, her chin jutting upward. Her eyes flickered uncertainly. “Unless you want me to?”

It was seeing Jess that did it. Knowing she had someone, when she thought she had just lost everything. Madison fell to her knees, finally giving in to the grief of her heart breaking. Her friend rushed over and held her tight, telling her everything would be all right.

When nothing could ever be the same.

Chapter Nineteen

Madison's stomach churned. It'd taken years for Patricia St. James to hone her daughter into the polished, professional everybody saw when she stepped on the catwalk. But Madison still suffered stage fright every time.

It was stupid that her knees went weak at this, after everything that'd happened in her life in the last three weeks. She hadn't seen Cole since he'd left at the start of the month. Jess had been in touch with him, but the two girls had reached an unspoken pact not to talk about him. It was too raw.

At least with Jess, Madison had found a measure of inner peace to wrap around the void Cole left behind. She willed away the dull ache in her chest that accompanied her thoughts whenever Cole came to mind. Which was all too often. It wouldn't do any good to get upset. Again.

She'd had plenty of time to think things over. Logan had called Madison into his office on that first Monday—
post-Cole
—to fire her.

“Your mother's cutting off my allowance.” He'd been bitter. As if he'd actually done anything to earn it in the first place. “But I'll get a bonus payment if I let you go.”

Madison had snorted indelicately. “She's going to pay you a bonus?”

“Yes, but only if I get rid of you.”

That was when reality hit. Madison had slumped into a chair, wondering when the
fuck
she was going to catch a break.

“Shit. Logan.” Her mind had scrambled for a way out. “I thought we were friends? At least let me keep the job.”

“And I thought you were my fiancée,” he'd said. “Sorry, Madison. I can't go without any money and all things considered, she's paying me well to cut you off.” He'd cleared his throat, shuffling his feet awkwardly as Madison had glared at him. “But…” He'd rolled his eyes as if he couldn't quite believe what he was about to do. “But she didn't say anything about not writing you a good reference. Or helping you get another position.” The beginnings of his trademark grin had emerged.

Madison had gratefully taken him up on his offer. She hadn't managed to find a new job yet, but with Logan's help, she'd succeeded in securing a couple of interviews. It was a start.

And as much as her mother had postured and growled and worked with Logan to get Madison fired, she hadn't completely abandoned her daughter either. Money had turned up in Madison's bank account a few days later. Patricia had heard about Cole leaving no doubt, and figured Madison had finally come to her senses.

Madison hadn't told her otherwise. She wasn't fool enough to ignore the money and Patricia hadn't pressed her about returning home. Augmented by Jess's portion of the rent, Madison should be able to manage financially, for a little while at least.

Her attention turned back to the gap in the curtains and she held back the queasiness in her belly. A sea of faces gawked in her direction, waiting for the show. The audience only saw the final polish of the finished performance—they'd never see the frantic activity behind the curtains. The tangle of long-limbs struggling into tight designer clothes, the hot smell of lights and make-up and dry cleaning chemicals.

Turning away, Madison caught sight of her reflection in one of the mirrors. They'd done a good job on her. She eyed herself critically. Her make-up was flawless. Eyes smoky-hot, highlighted with bronze, while her lashes were long and lustrous, thick-crusted with mascara. The gown fit her perfectly, a cloud of black and gold dreams. Not that she cared how she looked. Tonight, not even exquisite clothes could deliver a much-needed boost of confidence.

Don't think about him.
For the thousandth time, Madison hauled her thoughts back from Cole.

They'd been doomed from the start. He'd been her rebound guy; that was what Madison was telling herself. One last little white lie to ease her through the pain.

Except somewhere along the line, she'd fallen in love. Cole was everything she'd been looking for in her previous shallow existence. He was proud of who he was, right or wrong. He stood up for what he believed in. For those he believed in. He didn't let anyone tell him who he was. He already knew exactly who he was.

Cole Langford. The one man who would never be able to reciprocate her feelings for him. Cole would never love Madison the way she needed to be loved. The way he had taught her it could be. Unrelenting. Passionate. Real.

“Hey. You're up next.”

Madison jumped as one of the assistants touched her arm and pointed her to the starting position on the catwalk. No time left for nerves. Ignoring the mutters of protest from behind, Madison took an extra moment to center herself.

Three…two…one…

She pulled up a smile and walked out onto the stage.

There were scattered gasps of appreciation from the crowd. Madison's smile broadened, her nerves ebbing away as she settled into her practiced walk. She kept her eyes glued to the ponytail in front of her, sashaying to the end of the catwalk. There, she stopped and executed a slow turn, sweeping the full fabric of her skirt around so it would catch the light. Impulsively, Madison hammed it up, blowing a kiss into the crowd. A man in the front row caught it and everyone laughed as he clutched her kiss to his heart before throwing it back.

One more pose and Madison pivoted to begin her return walk.

Her eyes collided with…Jess?
In the audience?
Two rows back. And beside Jess…

The blood drained from Madison's face. Cole. Angry Cole, with an icy expression full of hatred. Madison stumbled slightly, her legs threatening to give way. His lips compressed and he looked like he wanted to reach up and yank her off the stage.

Wrenching away her gaze was impossible. Despite his obvious anger, Madison wanted to drink in her fill, memorize every inch of his face and hold it close. All too soon, she swept past and stumbled down the steps backstage.

Cole. Here?
The knowledge should have terrified Madison. So why did she suddenly feel lighter, less nervous? From the moment Madison had laid eyes on him, something inside her had settled and felt right.

That he hated her so much was shattering.

She squashed the thought firmly back into a dark, secret place. She only had a few moments to pull herself together before she had to go back out. Later, she could deal with her heart being broken all over again.

“Madison?” One of the assistant's bustled over with the next dress for her to wear.

Madison drew a deep breath and squared her shoulders. Instead of diving into the nearest clothes rack to hide, she stripped off the beautiful gown and got ready to go out on stage. Put on a show.

The good thing about seeing Cole?
At least she wasn't suffering from stage fright anymore.

Even so, every time she walked out, she could
feel
his presence in the room—a hum in the air louder than the buzz of excitement from the crowd. She refused to let her eyes stray further than the front row.

Because, although Madison was desperate for another glimpse of Cole, she wasn't ready to face the full depth of his loathing.

* * * * *

Cole couldn't stop staring.

He tried to pretend like he couldn't see Madison, but not watching every move was like trying not to breathe. He was compelled to stare, each step a punch to the heart, each time she disappeared the burn of panic reaching out to sear his self-control.

He hadn't known what to expect. Seeing Madison again. Maybe for her to be a little more cut-up after their break-up—certainly not to see her strut out on stage like nothing was wrong and blow a kiss into the crowd. That had snatched Cole's attention all right. His breath had slammed out of his body, a hot knife of jealousy skewering him straight through his gut. He'd leaned forward in his seat, halfway to ripping her off the stage and beating his chest.

Mine. Mine. Mine
.

These last few weeks had been the worst of his life. He'd walked out on Madison, all pumped up with his own self-righteousness, his total arrogance having him believe he'd had every right to treat her as he had.

Later, of course, he'd come to his senses. Oh, he'd tried to ignore it at first. He'd knocked back a few scotches with Marcus, trying to drown out the thunder of his heart under a cloud of alcohol, bury it beneath the white-hot buzz.

It hadn't worked. Marcus, the bastard, with his new found appreciation of love and all-things Abby, had seen straight through him. He'd called him a fucking tool and told him to get his shit together. By the time he was through, Cole had been crying into his drink, muttering about karma.

Cole thought he'd lost everything that night. Madison. Jess. His business.

But once again human nature had surprised him. Jess had come to see him. Not only that, but she'd dropped her churlish attitude and offered him advice.
Him!
About life. About Madison.

Cole was still getting over it. He turned to Jess now, his chest swelling with love and pride. Her eyes sparked with excitement as she commented on each dress parading down the catwalk, digging him in the ribs whenever Madison stepped on stage.

As if he didn't realize she was there.

He'd told Jess everything. Every. Little. Thing. What had happened while he was at high school, how the rest of the family had reacted after her accident, Salamond Holdings. Cole had expected Jess to be devastated, angry and bitter like he was, but she'd surprised him again by shrugging.

Fucking
shrugging
.

“It's in the past and it doesn't change what happened,” she'd said. “Mom didn't care about being on the wrong side. She never hated them, although she had every reason. She just got on and proved she didn't need them.” Jess had said it like she just didn't care, like she'd never expected anything from them anyway.

Because she didn't.

Which had humbled Cole. And humiliated him, as Jess had launched into another attack over Madison.

“I know. I know.” He'd stopped her halfway through the tirade about all the dumbass things he'd done, holding up a hand to halt the deluge of recriminations he'd deserved.

“So, what are you going to do about it?” She'd surveyed him, hands on hips.

Cole had taken a breath. Let it out. “I don't know,” he'd groaned.

“Then you better listen.” His sister's face had become fierce. “Because I'm going to tell you
exactly
what you need to do.”

And here Cole sat. In the middle of the very people he'd sworn to stay away from. The haves versus the have-nots. Power. Money. Cole's gut tightened and he rubbed the hair at his nape as Madison made another stunning entrance.

He didn't move, couldn't think, until she'd walked out of his view.

It was her. It had always been her.

Hell, money was only paper with pretty pictures on it. Love was love. Yeah. He loved Madison. He'd been free-falling from fifty thousand feet ever since they'd met.

And the impact of losing her was like landing without a parachute. Hard. Devastating.

Cole didn't blame Madison for going back to the lifestyle she knew. Seeing her now. Poised, polished, so damn perfect. Right where she belonged. Madison wasn't just part of this crowd—she was the very heart of it.

Cole couldn't compete with that.

The way he'd treated her…not trusting her…the constant accusations… Cole lowered his eyes, his stomach knotting. He was no better than Patricia, blaming her for every shitty thing happening in his life when she'd been the very best thing in it.

Cole would gladly sacrifice all his money, his development, if it meant she'd come back. He'd hobnob with her mother. Bow and scrape to the Langfords. He meant it too. He'd approached Thomas a few days ago to have it out with his cousin, to bargain his business against his love for Madison.

Only to find out he'd been wrong once again. Thomas had never been part of Russell's nefarious plan. In fact, he'd offered to help Cole fight against Salamond Holdings. Cole didn't know what kind of strings Thomas could pull, but dealings around the injunction had suddenly gone very quiet.

Thomas had also provided last minute tickets for tonight's ball. He and Cole still had a ways to go to make things right, but Thomas seemed eager to cross family lines and initiate a relationship with his long-lost cousins. Jess was delighted.

It had taken Cole time to get over the fact he'd been wrong about Thomas. His sense of right was the one thing that had gotten Cole through the very worst parts of his life. That he could look at himself and know he was doing the right thing. It had been a huge blow. He'd started to wonder what else he'd been wrong about.

And in his heart, hadn't he always known? Shame for his actions had held Cole back from contacting Madison straight away. He only had one chance to set things straight and he didn't want to blow it. Losing her once had made him cautious. A feeling Cole wasn't used to. He had no right to expect her trust after what he'd done. But it wouldn't stop him from trying.

And he was sick of waiting. Cole got up from his seat as Madison stepped behind the curtain again, only to find the restraining arm of his sister holding him back.

“Not yet,” she cautioned, giving him a stern look. “You'll get your chance.”

Jess twined her fingers in Cole's as he fidgeted restlessly, reminding him to sit tight. Despite his tension, he couldn't help but smile. Jess. Another thing he'd been wrong about.

He didn't know how he got through the rest of the show without breaking her fingers, ripping his seat to shreds and tossing himself at the stage. But finally, the spotlights faded and the compere came out to hype up the crowd to make generous bids at the back of the venue. Scared he'd miss her, Cole didn't move until he saw Madison emerge from the curtain with some of the other models to rousing applause. Only then did his breath loosen.