Read Monday the Rabbi Took Off Online

Authors: Harry Kemelman

Tags: #Literature & Fiction, #World Literature, #Jewish, #Mystery; Thriller & Suspense, #Thrillers & Suspense, #Crime, #Crime Fiction

Monday the Rabbi Took Off (4 page)

BOOK: Monday the Rabbi Took Off
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“I think I get the picture. So what are you worried about?”

“Well.” said Ben. “for one thing, these kids don’t vote.”

“Oh, you’re worried that this Drexler and his friends will maneuver him out?” said Harvey, trying to see what his brother-in-law was driving at.

“That, and – well” – Ben looked away – “I wouldn’t like to see him hurt.”

“Is that all?” Harvey laughed and got up from the armchair. “Forget it, Ben. People like that, people with personal integrity, people like Drexler can’t hurt.”

Chapter Five

The young graduate of the seminary was eliminated from serious consideration almost immediately. Why would he want to come in the first place? With the demand so great for rabbis, why would he want a temporary job when he could get a full-time job?

“He said he wants some time to look around.11

“So can’t he look around in a regular job? If he should decide he wants to go someplace else, would they hold him there by force? I’ll tell you why he wants this job: It must be because he can’t get another one. And why should we want someone like that? Besides, he’s got a beard. That’s all we need is a rabbi with a beard.”

“And his wife – did you get a load of her? With all that mascara junk on her eyes like a raccoon and her dress up to her pupik?”

Rabbi Harry Shindler. on the other hand, made quite a different impression. He was in his mid-forties and had an ingratiating and yet forceful personality. The main objection to him was that he had been out of the active rabbinate for several years. He explained it with disarming candor. “Well I’ll tell you. When I got out of the seminary. I was offered this job – associate to the rabbi of this large congregation in Ohio. Now I was told that the rabbi was going to retire in a year or two and that I would be given his job. Mind you, I wasn’t just an assistant. I had the title Associate Rabbi. So in the middle of the second year I was there, the rabbi gets sick and I took over for the remainder of the year. Then when the next year begins and it’s time to draw up a new contract, there’s a group on the board that say they ought to have an older man but I could stay on as associate at the same salary. It’s really a one-man operation, you understand, but they had me come in because the rabbi there was not in good health.

“Now a man’s first duty is to his family – I mean. I had a wife and family – and the associate rabbi job, the salary I mean, just wasn’t enough. Now one thing I want distinctly understood: It was not the fault of the congregation. And it wasn’t the fault of the board. It was just one of those misunderstandings that happen. Maybe it was my fault for not getting everything down in black and white, but I’m not holding the congregation to blame.”

This insistence that the congregation was not at fault made a great impression on the committee.

“So I took this selling job, and I’m not sorry I did. I sometimes think the seminary ought to require all their graduates to serve an apprenticeship of a year or two in business so they can get an idea of how their congregation thinks, what concerns them, what bothers them, what problems they have. I think most rabbis are out of touch with everyday life, and from where I stand that means out of touch with reality.”

“How do you mean. Rabbi?”

“Well, take the business of our holidays. Mostly they’re two days, and most rabbis are pretty concerned about the observance of that second day. Now. having been in business myself, I know that sometimes it’s almost impossible to take that second day off. So I can understand and sympathize when one of the congregants, who might be a big businessman, just can’t make it to the temple on that second day. And I don’t hold it against him. I don’t take the point of view that because he’s, say, an officer of the temple, he’s simply got to show on both days.”

There was a nodding of heads and thus encouraged, Rabbi Shindler went on. “Well, I made up my mind that I was going to give it the old college try, and if God called me to serve Him by engaging in business. I’d stick with it until I was successful. I worked hard, and I don’t mind saying that there was many a time when I thought of going back to the safety and sanctuary of the rabbinate, but then I thought I’d be admitting defeat. Well, when I was made assistant general manager of the Northeast Ohio territory, I figured I’d served my time and then some, and that I could now go back to the rabbinate without feeling that I was doing it because I was a failure in business. And I don’t mind telling you gentlemen that I could make a lot more money staying on with National Agrochemical Corporation than I could hope to make in the rabbinate. But the rabbinate is my real work. I feel it’s what I’m called on to do, and that’s why I’m interested in this position.”

“But you’re out of touch; you’ve been away –”

“Oh, no, I haven’t. Sometimes I think I was more active after I left than while I was actively carrying on my official rabbinic duties. I was president of the local Zionist chapter. As a matter of fact, I helped start it. And I was vice-chairman of the Community Fund for three years. It’s all in my resume. I headed up the Ecumenical Committee – that’s a group that was out to bring about better relations between Jews, Catholics and Protestants.

I was on the Visiting Committee of the Slocumbe General – that’s the town hospital. And for three years I was the panel chairman of the Kiwanis Bible Study Class, which used to meet every other Thursday right straight through the year, winter and summer. And I guess you gentlemen can figure out who did most of the talking in that class. And then I don’t need to tell you that whenever I had to go out of town, the first thing that went into my overnight bag was my tallis and t’fillen, because in resigning from my job as rabbi. I wasn’t resigning from being a good Jew. And I wish I had a nickel for every time I led the prayers in the minyan of some small town and the number of times they asked me to give a little sermon. In the small towns of Northeast Ohio I was known as the Traveling Rabbi. And of course, through natural inclination. I kept up with my studies all the while.” he added, to touch all rabbinic bases.

The committee was taken with Rabbi Shindler, but as they discussed him. second thoughts began to develop. Not that they doubted his ability as a preacher; they had been more than satisfied with the sample taped sermons he had sent them, which had led to his being called in the first place. Nor could they cavil at the impression he had made during the interview. He had been straightforward, self-possessed and sincere, like a good salesman who believed in his product and had gone to the trouble to make adequate preparation for his presentation.

“Of course, we’d want to check with his congregation –”

“I don’t know that we could get much out of them, it’s been eight years since he left. Chances are that the same guys might not even be there.”

“Well, at least we ought to try to get a line on him from National Agrochemical.” said Drexler.

“Gosh, we can’t do that, Marty,” said Raymond. “He’s still working for them. They might not like it if they thought he was looking around for another job. You know how these companies are.”

“But we can’t just take him on his own say-so. The whole story could be made up.” Drexler insisted.

“Well, we know he’s a rabbi because it was the seminary that gave us a line on him. Right? And we know he can preach because there’s those sermons on the tapes. And we’re all agreed he looked good to us.”

“That’s right, but there’s something that bothers me,” said Arnold Bookspan. “Those tapes, they were made right in the synagogue. Right? So. how come he made them?”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean why should a rabbi make a tape of his sermon?”

“Well, a lot of rabbis, they want to have a record.”

“Yeah, but then they write them out first. I mean that if he was making tapes of his sermons, maybe he was already looking for a job back then and was making them to send out to congregations that might be interested in hiring.”

“You got a point there, Arnold.”

“Yeah, but that could’ve been toward the end.” said Barry Meisner, who was in the insurance business, “when he was looking around, and that would be all right in my book. I tell you frankly, I’m sold on the guy. I can just see myself acting the same way he did. I’ve been in positions where I’ve had a deal going, and it’s crapped out through some misunderstanding that was nobody’s fault really, and I’ve had to rethink the whole business and start on a new tack. We all have. And then we go ahead on the new angle, and plenty of times it works out even better than if the original deal had gone through as planned. So I can see myself in the picture he painted. And I can see myself working up a presentation for this meeting, same way he did, and I’d plan it out pretty much the same way.”

“Well, maybe that’s what gets me.” Bookspan insisted. “I mean, like you say, if I were going to sell a couple of gross of raincoats to some big outfit where I’d never called before. I’d do it just this way. I think, I hope. I’d be as smooth as this guy.”

“So?”

“So that’s the trouble with him; he’s just like us.”

“So we’re back where we started from. You know, all this takes time and we don’t have too much time.” Raymond observed. The boys were the salt of the earth, but sometimes it was hard to get them to come to a decision, especially when he tried to get complete agreement. Division, he felt, with one group voting down the other side just made for bad feelings.

“Yeah, but we can’t just take anybody.” said Bookspan. “I’m not so sure. It’s only for three months.”

“Or it could be a lot longer if the rabbi decides not to come back.”

Geoff Winer was constrained to speak. He had only recently set up his business. Winer Electronics, in the area. Bert Raymond had done the necessary legal work for him and had got him to join the temple organization. “Look guys. I’m new in the area, and don’t think I don’t appreciate your asking me to serve on this committee. But I think, if you don’t mind my saying so. being new and all that, that we’re going about this in the wrong way. I mean, we’re going after the wrong sort of guy. You take a young man, there’s got to be something wrong with him or he wouldn’t want to come here to take a substitute job where he don’t even know how long he’s going to last. And a middle-aged man would be someone who has a job, and he wouldn’t leave to take a temporary job unless he were pretty bad and thought he was going to be fired. So I think we ought to consider an older man.

“Now this rabbi that was the rabbi in the temple where I used to go in Connecticut where I came from – in fact, he married me – he’s just retired after being rabbi in that same temple for thirty years. They made him like rabbi emeritus. Now. don’t get the idea that Rabbi Deutch is some old geezer with a cane. He’s sixty-five, but he’s got a lower golf handicap than I have.”

“Does he have an accent or something? I mean, does he speak good English, or is he one of those old-timers?” asked Drexler.

“Does he have an accent or something? I mean, does him. Look, he was born here, and so was his father, and I think even his grandfather, or maybe he came here when he was a little kid. He’s related to the New York Deutch family, you know, the bankers.”

“So why would he want to be a rabbi? Why didn’t he go into the banking business?” Drexler asked the question, but it had occurred to most of them.

“Look, let’s face it; there are guys like that. You know, it’s like a crusade –”

“How about the rebbitzin?”

Winer made a circle of thumb and forefinger to indicate complete approval. “Believe me, the rebbitzin is real class, a Wellesley graduate, or maybe Vassar or Bryn Mawr – anyway, one of the top women’s colleges. Matter of fact, if you want to know something, she’s a Stedman.”

“What’s a Stedman?”

“Dan Stedman. Didn’t you ever hear of him?”

“You mean the commentator guy? On TV?”

“That’s right. That’s her brother.”

“Sounds pretty good.” said Raymond. “Could you give him a ring and arrange to have him come down so we could get a look at him and see what he sounds like, maybe have him take a Friday evening service?”

“Unh-unh.” Winer shook his head. “A man like Rabbi Deutch you don’t ask him to come down for a tryout. If you guys are interested. I could sound him out. If he’s interested, we could drive down to see him and talk to him.”

Chapter Six

Suddenly the Smalls found themselves popular. People they hardly knew found an occasion to drop in on them – to wish them a safe and pleasant flight, but especially a safe one. “We were planning to go about this time, but my wife thinks we ought to wait until things quiet down a bit – fella could get hurt when one of those bombs go off [self-conscious chuckle] – so we decided to take a trip to Bermuda instead.”

To give them names and addresses of people they should look up. “I met him when I was there four years ago, and he’s doing some very important research at the university. One of the outstanding men there. I’m writing to tell him you’re coming. You call him as soon as you get settled.”

To show them the itinerary of the trip they took last year

together with colored slides and photographs of the

places they had seen and to make sure that they wouldn’t

miss what they regarded as the highlights of their trip. “I

took this on a kind of hazy day. so you don’t get the full

effect. Rabbi, but I tell you, the view is breathtaking. And

be sure and see… “

Meyer Paff. one of the pillars of the temple, came to see the Smalls. He was a huge tun of a man with large features. His sausagelike fingers closed over the rabbi’s hand in greeting. “Take my advice. Rabbi, don’t get sucked into the sightseeing rat race. I been there four times already. The first time they had me going from early morning till night. After the first week I said I’m not moving from the hotel. And that’s what I did all the other times we went. I’d stay in the hotel, sitting around the pool, shmoosing. playing cards. The missus, of course, she wanted to see things. She’d take one of these tours at the drop of a hat. So I told her to go and she could tell me about it afterward. You know, any other country I wouldn’t think of letting her go alone, but in Israel, you feel it’s safe. There’s always Hadassah ladies that if she don’t know them, she at least knows somebody they know. It’s like family. And I’ll tell you something: Just before coming home. I’d buy a bunch of slides of different places and when people asked me. ‘You saw such a place, didn’t you?’ I’d say5 ‘You bet. Terrific. I got some swell shots of it.’”

BOOK: Monday the Rabbi Took Off
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