Monsieur Pamplemousse Afloat

It all began early one summer morning when Monsieur Pamplemousse saw a one-legged
Papa Noël
hopping at speed along the Boulevard Haussman as though he had a train to catch – or a sleigh.

In five months time the pavements outside the large department stores further along the
boulevard
would be awash with men in red robes and crepe beards, but in early July …

It was such an unusual sight his attention was momentarily diverted from the road ahead.

The man clearly believed in keeping his hand in, for despite the fact that he was in a hurry he couldn’t resist stopping to put his arms round a small child, whilst passing the time of day with its mother. (According to Doucette, during Christmas week the priorities were often reversed – especially after a good lunch!)

When Monsieur Pamplemousse concentrated once again on his driving, he realised to his horror that the traffic lights at the entrance to the Place St Augustin were showing amber and that instead of putting his foot down on the accelerator in order to beat the red light, the idiot driver of a builder’s lorry immediately ahead of him was braking hard.

He had little opportunity to feel aggrieved that the man should be behaving in a manner so extraordinarily out of keeping with his calling; it was all over in a split second. The immediate horizon grew dark as the back of the lorry loomed larger and larger. There was a jolt and his windscreen went milky-white.

For once, Pommes Frites wasn’t wearing his seat belt. He gave vent to a howl of alarm and indignation as he rocketed forwards, rebounded from the dashboard as another vehicle collided with their rear bumper, then slid sideways across his master’s lap.

Temporarily unable to extricate himself from the 50 or so kilos of dead weight jammed between his lap and the steering wheel, Monsieur Pamplemousse punched a hole in the windscreen and glared impotently at the tailboard of the lorry. As it swung shut a trickle of sand landed on his crumpled bonnet, adding insult to injury.

In the old days, as a member of the
Sûreté
, he would have thrown the book at the driver, going over the vehicle with a fine toothcomb in search of
malfunctioning parts. One could be sure there would be many; faulty brake lights for a start – neither had emitted the faintest warning glimmer to signal the driver’s intention. Tyres would have had their depth of tread minutely measured; although if the sound of sliding rubber on
pavé
was anything to go by it would have needed a micrometer to register any faint semblance of a pattern. Badly adjusted rear-view mirrors – and a quick nudge would have ensured they
were
badly adjusted – would not have gone unrecorded. Dirty number plates …

The traffic lights having completed their cycle, the lorry roared on its way. Monsieur Pamplemousse stared after it. The
salud
didn’t even
have
a rear number plate!

He looked around for witnesses, but as though reading his thoughts, pedestrians on all sides were melting away like unseasonable snow on a warm pavement. Even the one-legged Father Christmas had disappeared. The only remaining person showing the remotest sign of interest was a man waving an admonitory finger at him from a shop doorway, as though accusing him of having been responsible for the accident in the first place. It was yet another reason for wishing he were still in the force. He would have taught the
imbécile
a thing or two. Dumb insolence … resisting arrest … running from the scene of a crime … the man would have been lucky to escape with a fine.

A loud blast from a horn somewhere immediately behind brought him back down to earth. The honking was followed by a shudder and the sound of tearing metal as the driver sought to extricate his vehicle by going into reverse. There was a loud clang as something metallic landed in the road. It looked like part of a wing.

Monsieur Pamplemousse adjusted his rear-view mirror, which had been knocked sideways by the impact. As he did so he gave a start, stifling the stream of imprecations he had been about to let rip with.

‘C’est impossible!’
He could hardly believe his eyes. Of all people! Had he been asked in advance to compile a short list of those he would have least wanted to witness his predicament, Monsieur Pamplemousse would, for differing reasons, have placed both names at the top.

What the Director and his wife were doing in the Boulevard Haussman at that time of day was anybody’s guess. His boss normally drove in to the office from their country residence via the Bois de Boulogne.

Hastily converting the gesture he’d had in mind into the perfunctory raising of his hat, Monsieur Pamplemousse forced his lips into a smile which he realised must appear somewhat fixed.

As the large black Citroën DX25 drew alongside there was the faint purr of an electric motor and
the window on the passenger’s side slid open. The Director and his wife appeared to be engaged in animated conversation, but they broke off abruptly. Strains of soft music rather than words of sympathy emerged, floating on a waft of expensive perfume. Madame Chantal Leclercq was radiantly chic as ever; but it struck Monsieur Pamplemousse that the Director was looking a trifle edgy.

‘
Monsieur, Madame
.’ He sat back to allow his boss the privilege of making the first move.

‘I hope this doesn’t mean you are going to be late for the office, Pamplemousse!’ boomed a familiar voice.

Monsieur Pamplemousse stifled the response which immediately sprang to mind, and tried to leaven his words with a touch of humour he was far from feeling.

‘Fortunately,
Monsieur
, I was on my way to the garage. My
deux chevau
x
is due for a service – the cocktail cabinet has developed a nasty rattle. It is, I believe, a fault common to the
marque
. On the other hand it may simply be all the empty bottles. Whatever the reason, it is as well to make sure …’

Catching a warning flicker from Chantal’s limpid blue eyes, Monsieur Pamplemousse took a deep breath. ‘I will be there as soon as possible,
Monsieur
.’

‘Good. Good.’ The Director reached for a mobile telephone and dialled a number. ‘I will instruct my secretary to arrange for a breakdown truck to tow you to the nearest garage.’

‘That is most kind of you,
Monsieur
…’ began Monsieur Pamplemousse.

He broke off as Madame Leclercq, seizing the opportunity while her husband was otherwise engaged, reached out and rested her hand momentarily on his. It took him by surprise, causing a watery feeling in the pit of his stomach.

That Chantal felt it too was patently obvious, for she quickly withdrew her hand, but not before the gesture had left its mark.

Once again he was struck by the colour of her eyes; the colour, and as they widened in surprise, by some indefinable expression within. Anxiety? A cry for help?

She appeared to be on the verge of saying something, but it was too late. The Director had already finished his call.

‘When you eventually reach the office, Pamplemousse, perhaps you would kindly contact Véronique with regard to the insurance. I have asked her to make sure she has all the necessary forms prepared.’

While he was talking the Director leant across in front of his wife and as he did so he, too, gave a start.

‘I trust Pommes Frites is none the worse for the mishap. Would you like me to call a
vétérinaire
?’

Monsieur Pamplemousse glanced down. Pommes Frites was clearly milking the situation for all it was worth. Any passing insurance assessor catching
sight of the injured expression on his face would undoubtedly have upped the potential damages on the spot.

‘I think he is merely making a point,
Monsieur
. He probably thinks he is safer where he is for the time being.’

The Director looked relieved. ‘You must bring him in to see me when you reach the office, Aristide. It is a long time since we had a get-together. I have forgotten. Does he prefer Evian or Badoit?’

‘Evian,
Monsieur
. Bubbles make him sneeze.’

‘Good.’ The Director tempered relief at receiving a positive report on Pommes Frites’ physical well-being with a steely gaze, as though everything he saw only confirmed his worst suspicions. ‘I am pleased to hear it. I shall look forward to seeing you both later.’

The mellifluous sounds of the Blue Danube as interpreted by André Kostalanitz and his Hollywood Bowl orchestra faded as the window slid shut.

Finding his door jammed, Monsieur Pamplemousse eased himself out from under the steering wheel, climbed on to the seat and emerged through the open roof. In his wisdom, Monsieur André Citroën, the designer, had covered every eventuality.

He gazed after the Director’s car as it purred on its way, driver and passenger once again engaged in animated conversation, almost as though nothing had happened. The price difference between the two vehicles was reflected in the damage they had
suffered. Monsieur Leclercq’s DX25 had been barely scratched, whereas his own 2CV looked as though it was returning from a particularly riotous all-night party.

As the Director sailed through the lights, Madame Leclercq turned and waved back at him.

There were waves and there were waves. It seemed to Monsieur Pamplemousse that Chantal’s wave was prompted by something more than a mere act of politeness. Once again he was conscious of a message being conveyed.

The image was still occupying his thoughts later that morning when he arrived, hot and tired, at
Le Guide
’s headquarters. Any hopes he might have entertained about slinking into the building unobserved were doomed to failure. Rambaud, the gatekeeper, couldn’t wait to buttonhole him. Hardly had Monsieur Pamplemousse applied his magnetic card to the lock on the pedestrian entrance let into the main gates, than he was out of his hut like a shot from a gun.

‘I know, I know,’ said Monsieur Pamplemousse wearily. ‘
Monsieur le Directeur
wants to see me in his office.’

‘And Pommes Frites,’ said Rambaud, not wishing to be wholly deprived of his vicarious pleasure. ‘Do not forget Pommes Frites.’

‘And Pommes Frites,’ repeated Monsieur Pamplemousse.

Concentrating his thoughts on what might lie ahead as he entered the building, he was conscious for the first time of warning bells. Pommes Frites was always made to feel welcome; there was nothing unusual in that. If you counted gift-wrapped bones, then Christmas brought him noticeably more in the way of presents than it did his master. However, joint invitations to the seventh floor were rare. Pommes Frites’ presence on high was usually accepted with good grace rather than specifically sought.

Monsieur Pamplemousse’s feeling of unease was reinforced a few minutes later when, having passed through an empty outer office, he entered the holy of holies and found the Director’s secretary on her hands and knees in the middle of the room. A white napkin had been laid out on the carpet and she was in the act of emptying a large bottle of Evian water into a bowl; a little oasis in a sea of beige. All it lacked to complete the scene was a potted bonsai palm tree or two. Never one to query good fortune when it came his way, Pommes Frites set to with a will.

Bidding Monsieur Pamplemousse make himself comfortable in the visitor’s armchair, the Director dismissed his secretary and then reached for a cut-glass decanter standing on his desk. Alongside it were two glasses and a solid silver paperweight fashioned in the form of
Le Guide
’s well-known symbol – two
escargots
rampant.

As he watched the pouring of a nameless
amber-coloured liquid, it struck Monsieur Pamplemousse that whether by accident or design, one glass was faring rather better than the other. Could it be an indication that for some reason as yet to be revealed, his boss had need of ‘Dutch courage’, or was he hoping the larger of the two would provide a mellowing effect on his guest? He hadn’t long to wait for an answer to the riddle.

The Director held out the smaller of the two glasses for Monsieur Pamplemousse. ‘This will do you good after your little fracas this morning, Aristide. It only goes to show one must exercise vigilance at all times.’

Taking the glass, Monsieur Pamplemousse raised it to his nose and hazarded a guess at a Marc de Bourgogne, that most potent of restoratives much beloved by those to whom refinement of taste is not the prime requirement. It was not one of the Director’s customary tipples. He wondered if the fact had any significance. As a restorative it certainly did the trick. At the first sip he felt an immediate warm glow course through his veins.

Monsieur Pamplemousse eyed the glass reflectively. ‘I was distracted by the sight of a
Papa Noël
in the Boulevard Haussmann,
Monsieur
. The poor man had only one leg and he seemed to be in a hurry. I had wondered about offering him a lift.’

‘I daresay he was making haste for the same reason that Chantal and I left you as quickly as we did,’ said the Director. ‘There is a reason for everything in
this world, Aristide. We were late for a fashion show heralding the forthcoming winter modes. The affair was in aid of charity. The handicapped of Lapland, I believe. Fortunately your lapse of concentration didn’t delay us unduly.’

‘I am relieved to hear it,’ said Monsieur Pamplemousse dryly. ‘My
deux chevaux
is, I fear,
hors de combat
.’

‘A long job?’ The Director made play with some papers on his desk.

Monsieur Pamplemousse shrugged. ‘A week,
Monsieur
… possibly two. Apart from the shattered windscreen and the lights, there is a large dent in both the bonnet and the door on the driver’s side. Also, one of the rear wings needs replacing. Since it went out of production parts are becoming harder to obtain.’

‘Capital! Capital!’ Dropping any pretence at a lack of interest in the subject, the Director rubbed his hands together.

Monsieur Pamplemousse stared at him. ‘I am glad you think so,
Monsieur
.’

‘Please do not misunderstand me, Aristide. It is simply that Fate moves in mysterious ways, its wonders to perform. As my wife was saying to me only this morning, it is almost as though certain happenings in life are pre-ordained.’