Monsoon Season (13 page)

When Laura had been pregnant with Isabel, the morning sickness was immediate. It started the day after she’d found out she was pregnant. She wondered if it might be a little psycho -somatic. Either way, it was brutal.

She remembers the roughness of the dorm rug on her knees as she heaved over her trash can. It was frosted purple like her shower caddy and her toothbrush holder and her flip-flops. They’d come as a set – necessary items for every truly prepared college girl.

Riley would wake up to the sound of Laura coughing and spluttering on the floor. She’d crawl out of bed to hold Laura’s hair back, comb through it with her fingers and tie an elastic band around it. She’d rub her back and say, ‘Poor thing,’ and ‘Aw, honey,’ in her sleepy, soothing voice.

Then she’d put Laura back to bed, pull the covers up and get her a Tic Tac. She’d pick up the trash can, turning her head to gag discreetly, carry it down the hall and rinse it out in the coed bathroom.

After about a week of this, Riley started buying crackers.

She sat on the edge of Laura’s bed, fumbling with the plastic cover. Through half-open eyes, Laura could see her struggling, getting frustrated and, finally, using her teeth. The blue and white cardboard box fell from her lap. ‘Try this,’ she said. She held out a Saltine.

The Tic Tac had dissolved into a tiny sharp sliver on Laura’s tongue. ‘Why?’

‘I talked to my mom—’

‘You told your mom?’ Laura felt her face flush.

‘I didn’t tell her it was you. I just said I had a friend I was worried about.’

The tension eased out of Laura’s body. ‘Okay. I mean, I haven’t even told my mom yet.’

‘I know. And we should talk about that. But first, try this. My mom says the nausea is a result of having an empty stomach. That’s why it usually comes in the morning.’

Ah. So these were the things mothers passed along.

Saltines didn’t do the trick, but Riley didn’t give up. Every morning Laura turned up her nose at a new brand of cracker. Finally Riley stumbled upon rice cakes. Laura was able to get them down and the morning sickness had stopped.

The front door was open when she got to Riley’s house. A soft breeze drifted through the screen door and into the house. Laura peered through the mesh, down an empty hallway. She called Riley’s name. Once. Then she pushed against the door and it whined. She stepped inside. The kitchen was empty. She put her purse on the counter.

‘Riley?’ Laura called again, a little louder this time.

No answer. She walked down the hallway. Her heart was racing. Jack had sounded frantic when he called. Laura had calmed him down. Reassured him.

She knocked on Riley’s bedroom door and turned the knob without waiting for a response. The room was empty and dishevelled.

Laura pulled the door shut and walked toward the back of the house. She saw Gracie sleeping on the porch, on the other side of the glass doors. That was why Riley hadn’t run to greet her. Laura relaxed.

She walked to the porch. As she pulled the door open, Gracie jumped up, wagging and panting. In the corner, Riley was lying in a hammock with her eyes closed.

‘Riley?’ Laura said.

She didn’t move.

Laura pushed Gracie away, fell to her knees in front of Riley, and began shaking her. She woke as soon as Laura touched her.

‘Shit!’ Her eyes were cloudy and confused.

‘Riley, you scared me to death!’ Laura yelled, jumping to her feet and brushing off her knees.

‘Well, the feeling is mutual. God.’ She swung her legs over the edge of the hammock and sat up.

‘It’s two o’clock in the afternoon, Riley.’

‘So?’ She rubbed her eyes.

‘So? So, nice PJs.’

She looked down. She had a brownish-orange stain on her shirt.

‘Jack asked me to check on you.’

Her head jerked up. ‘You talked to Jack?’

That had woken her up. Laura nodded.

‘What did he tell you?’

‘Everything.’

She looked away.

‘Jack’s worried about you. He seems to think you could do something stupid.’

‘Like what? Jesus, I’m not going to kill myself.’

‘Well, that’s good to hear.’

Riley ran her hands through her hair self-consciously, trying to smooth it out.

‘Well, do I get a hug at least?’ Laura asked, trying to shake off the image of Riley lying so still in the hammock, deaf to her voice.

Riley stood up. She slouched and her clothes hung loosely on her body. She didn’t look well.

Laura wrapped her arms around Riley, who hugged her back half-heartedly.

‘I haven’t brushed my teeth in three days,’ Riley said.

‘Just three?’

She smiled weakly.

Laura followed her into the house, where Riley offered a drink and she refused. They sat on the couch. Riley tried smoothing her hair again. It was useless.

‘So, how are you doing?’

‘Fine,’ she answered.

Laura raised an eyebrow at her. ‘Really?’

She shrugged. Her jaw set. Her eyes revealed nothing.

‘You’re not fine.’ Laura had imagined Riley falling into her arms when she came through the door, sobbing and telling her everything. Instead, it was as if they were having separate conversations. ‘I’ve thought you were in Tucson all this time.’

‘I know. I’m sorry.’ She was sinking into the couch cushions, not looking at her.

‘That’s it?’

She shrugged again. Laura started wishing she hadn’t refused the drink so they’d have had something to do besides sit there, not looking at each other. ‘Why haven’t you talked to me about all of this?’

Her chin quivered. ‘I don’t know.’ She combed the frayed edge of a purple afghan with her fingers. ‘I didn’t think you’d understand.’

Laura tried not to let that hurt. ‘Why wouldn’t I understand?’

Finally, she made eye contact. ‘I remember all those talks we had when you were pregnant. You never considered not going through with it.’

‘That’s not true. I considered a lot of things.’ Riley scowled, dubious. ‘But in the end, I wanted to have a baby with Kyle. I wanted our family. It happened faster than I would have planned, but this is the life I wanted and I don’t regret my decision.’

‘Neither do I,’ Riley said firmly.

‘Good.’

Riley’s fingers started working the yarn again.

‘I’ll always be on your side, Riley. It hurts me that you wouldn’t know that. When I was pregnant and scared, I went to you. Let me return the favour. That’s my job.’

‘Some job.’ She laughed as a tear slid down her face.

‘Does Ben know about the abortion?’

She rubbed the tear away and sat up straighter. ‘No. I didn’t find out I was pregnant until after I left.’

‘After he hit you?’

She nodded, her posture failing, deflated. Laura realized there was a part of her that hadn’t quite believed it when Jack told her. Riley’s nod confirmed it, and felt like a sucker punch. Laura remembered Riley’s voice from phone calls since she’d met Ben, the way she’d said his name, all giddy and lilting. Riley sat in front of her now, the sweet girl who’d befriended Laura during their freshman year, and Laura tried to imagine the kind of monster who would be capable of hurting her.

She reached out and took Riley’s hand. ‘If you’re sure you did the right thing, why are you hiding out in your pyjamas, not brushing your teeth for three days?’

Riley’s face crumpled. ‘I miss him,’ she whimpered, leaning into Laura at last.

This made Laura catch her breath. Riley was heartbroken over her abuser. Laura held her as she cried, grateful she couldn’t see the judgement on her face.

Minutes passed. Finally Riley’s body relaxed and her breathing settled. ‘The thing that concerns me most,’ Laura said, stroking Riley’s unruly hair, ‘is that you’re not accountable to anyone right now.’

She nodded slowly, sniffed.

Laura held her at a distance and looked her up and down. ‘And that doesn’t seem to be working for you.’

And then Riley laughed.

I lie on the dock, my shoulder blades digging into the wood. Or maybe it’s the other way around. It’s uncomfortable to lie against the wooden planks, but I stay here, feeling the pressure of my bones. I can look at the sky or at the water and even -tually the two seem so alike that calling them different names seems arbitrary. Around me there are clouds and lily-pads and air.

In the distance, a dog is barking. Gracie pays no attention, intent on hunting fish. Her tail swings in happy little semicircles, drops of water splashing off the tip. It makes me wonder if it’s raining.

My fingers are submerged. A fish nibbles at the tip of one, then moves along. In the water, there is an upside-down house, upside-down trees, a pale, orange sun rippling in a fluid sky.

When I was in college, a boy I’d been dating for three months decided we should break up. I knew he was breaking up with me as soon as he told me we needed to
talk
. I recognized the tone. It wasn’t my first break-up, just my first time being the dumpee.

My first instinct was to be furious. He’d seen me naked. On our last date, he’d taken me to a romantic Italian restaurant and talked about wanting to adopt children some day. I gazed at him across the table as he spoke and started to consider motherhood for the first time.

He’d given no warning. I’d done nothing wrong. He had no right.

He didn’t give me the it’s-not-you-it’s-me. He didn’t tell me by text message that he just wasn’t ready for a relationship. He came to my dorm room and sat next to me on the slim twin bed and told me he was sorry. I clenched my teeth and narrowed my eyes, refusing to cry.

‘I just don’t feel the way I think I should,’ he said.

I blinked. He wasn’t feeling it. It was a blow to the ego, sure, but mostly what I felt was relief. This wasn’t my guy. My guy would feel it. There would be no uncertainty.

We hugged and promised to stay friends. And we did. It was the best break-up I’d ever known.

This didn’t feel like that.

I was on the porch, drying Gracie off with a towel, when I heard the phone ring. She pushed past me and bounded into the kitchen, still damp. My mother was talking to the machine.

‘Well, I don’t know why I was thinking you might answer the phone,’ she was saying, as I picked up the receiver.

‘Sorry. Gracie and I were playing outside.’ This time it was the truth.

‘Riley! How are you?’

‘Fine.’

‘And is Gracie behaving?’

‘Sometimes.’ She was in the living room, rolling around on the carpet.

‘Hmm. Well, I guess that’s all I can hope for. Has she been missing us?’

‘She’s been beside herself.’

‘Aw, well, we’re coming back tomorrow. Will you be home?’

‘Sure. Do you need me to pick you up at the airport?’

‘No, no. We left the car with Auntie Pat, remember? So she’ll get us at the airport and we’ll drive home ourselves.’

It was all coming back to me. ‘What time should I expect you?’

‘Oh, gosh, someone’s at the door. Let me call you back.’

‘Okay.’

She hung up without saying goodbye. I called to Gracie who was now rubbing herself on the back of the couch. She ran into the kitchen, panting. I threw her a dog biscuit and the phone rang. I picked up before the machine.

‘Riley.’

It wasn’t my mother. It was Ben.

I thought about hanging up. ‘Hello,’ I said, instead.

‘How’ve you been?’

‘Fine.’ I didn’t ask how he was. I felt good about the awkward pause it left in the conversation.

‘Well. Good. That’s good.’ Was that what he had planned to say? He had waited weeks to get up the nerve for this? I wondered if he’d been drinking. It was late morning in Tucson.

‘I need to get going. I’m expecting another call,’ I said.

‘Wait.’

‘Yes?’ I spoke with convincing detachment. It convinced me, at least.

‘Did you call here the other night?’ he asked.

I caught my breath. My short-lived sense of confidence deserted me. My mind raced for the right answer. Did he know? Could he?

‘Yeah,’ I said, startled by my own honesty.

‘Why?’

‘I guess I forgot how things are for a minute.’ I shrugged to myself.

‘Things can be like that again,’ he said quickly.

‘No. That’s not what I want.’

‘But you called. You miss me.’

‘I did. In that moment.’ I sighed. ‘I’m getting over it.’

‘Maybe you can’t get over me because we’re supposed to be together.’

I remembered thinking that. It hadn’t even been so long ago. ‘You’re not good for me, Ben.’ I said it to hurt him, but it hurt me instead. I tipped the mouthpiece away from my lips and let out a strangled sob. Just one.

‘I’ll go back to therapy,’ he said, without so much as pausing to take in what I’d told him. ‘I can get better. I promise.’

I recovered, holding my breath until I could trust my voice. ‘We tried that. I’m not going to do it again.’ I was telling myself as much as I was telling him. ‘I hope you do get better, but it can’t be for me.’

‘But I want to do it for you. We can have the life we want. Together.’

I sat down at the kitchen table. This was what I wanted. Wasn’t that what I’d told Jack? I pressed my forehead into my palm and closed my eyes.
Stay in the boat.
‘No,’ I said. ‘I can’t be with someone who’d hurt me. I can’t have a family with someone who’d be a danger to my children.’

‘But I wouldn’t be a danger. Oh, God, I’d never hurt a kid.’

It was only then that I began to believe what I’d been saying. ‘Oh, no? Just me?’

He was quiet for a long moment, then launched into his apology again.

I cut him off: ‘I was pregnant when you hit me.’ I regretted saying it as soon as it was out of my mouth, but I couldn’t take it back.

He was silent. For a moment I thought he’d hung up.

‘Okay, Riley. Okay.’ It sounded like he thought something had just been decided. ‘You have to come back now. We can work it out. We can be a family. I love you.’

‘I’m not pregnant any more,’ I said quietly, scratching the mosquito bite on my knee.

‘Riley, no.’ He started sobbing.

‘Don’t call me again,’ I said, hanging up.

I sat at the table for twenty minutes, watching my hands shake. The phone did not ring. I pictured him with his head in his hands. Perhaps that was what he had needed to fall out of love with me. To let me go.