Monster (25 page)

Monster studied the pen in his hand. It wasn’t hard to figure out what was going on. Judy’s subconscious was at work again. She must have summoned the imp and ordered it to bring him a writing utensil as a means of escape.

This still didn’t make a bit of sense. One moment, Judy was out to kill him. The next, she was looking to him for rescue. He didn’t even see why she needed him at all. She had the power to summon all manner of cryptobiological beasts. There were probably limits, but if she could call up an army of gaborchends, Inuit walrus horrors, winged horses, and purple worms, then she should’ve easily been able to escape on her own. If she was going to send a crypto to his rescue, why send an imp with a pen when a dragon would work just as well? Why bother with this half-assed approach?

No, there was more to this than just the ineffective planning of Judy’s subconscious. There had to be. Too bad he wasn’t smart enough to figure it out.

The imp raised its head from the flurry of down around it. It half barked, half purred.

“I don’t suppose you have a theory about what’s going on here?”

The imp sneezed and went back to gutting the pillow.

“Didn’t think so.”

One thing at a time. He had to get out of here first, and now that he had a pen, he had a shot. He wasn’t great with magic, but he was familiar enough with containment spells to counter them. He assumed the room was sealed with a standard spell that kept the door from being opened from the inside.

He clicked the pen a few times as he recalled basic rune theory. He remembered the symbol that would unlock a door. But its odds of success depended greatly on the kind of magic Lotus used to seal the room. If she’d used an incantation, then this would be no problem. But if she used a rune spell, it would be much harder. Written magic was stronger than spoken magic. And spoken magic lost potency over time, while written magic gained power.

Alchemy would be trickier. He knew enough alchemy to make light beer out of tap water if he happened to have a harpy feather and a bottle cap at his disposal. But he usually just bought his potions and powders, like everybody else these days. Who had the time for all that mixing and brewing?

He remembered his last attempt at serious alchemy. He’d ordered a Make Your Own Homunculus kit through the mail.
So easy a child could do it!
declared the kit. He’d mixed the ingredients together, poured the concoction into the mold, and stuck the thing in the microwave. Just like the instructions said. Instead of a friendly little helper demon, he ended up with a fifty-pound, appliance-smashing beast. Not only did it destroy the microwave, the blender, and most of his plates, but it nearly swallowed his head before dissolving into paste. A month later, he discovered the vial of nightshade powder from the kit that had rolled under the table. After that, he left alchemy to the professionals. Anyway, the asking price for philosopher’s stones was outrageous nowadays.

Monster approached the door. A simple neutralizing rune was the easiest thing. It probably wouldn’t work, but he might as well start with the basics. He put the pen to the door. A crackle of energy raised the hairs on his arm. A jolt of electricity sent the pen flying out of his hand with enough force to drive it into the wall. Monster’s arm went limp.

He backed away. His arm hung at his side. He tried to move it and managed to wiggle his thumb. That was about it.

The imp hopped to the edge of the bed and growled questioningly.

“So much for Plan A,” said Monster.

He pulled the pen from the wall. It snapped in half. He grabbed a napkin and used it to wipe the ink off his hand. It didn’t really help.

“Don’t suppose you have another pen hidden somewhere?”

The imp yipped.

“I didn’t think so.”

Monster paced the room while waiting for the feeling to return to his arm.

He hadn’t expected to escape, but he was disappointed to have been thwarted so easily. Containment spells were part of his job. No spell was foolproof, no matter how good the practitioner. But here he was, trapped like a troll, without any plan. It was too bad Chester wasn’t here. It would’ve been easy enough for him to slip his flattened body under the door and open it from the other side. But Chester couldn’t be summoned while in this room, maybe the whole house.

If it was only the room interfering, then maybe Monster had a chance. He didn’t figure he had anything to lose. He went to the door, getting as close as he dared without actually touching it, and listened. The imp trotted over and listened with him.

It was quiet.

There probably wasn’t a guard posted. He listened for a few more minutes to be safe. He also watched for any passing shadows blocking the light coming under the door. It appeared all clear.

Monster flattened Chester’s body out and very carefully slid it under the door.

“Chester,” he whispered. “Come on, Chester. Come on.”

The imp hopped close and licked Monster’s ear. He brushed it away.

“Chester, this is important.” He hadn’t received the “away” message yet, so either the spell keeping Chester at bay was still working or the gnome was considering it. Or he’d just turned off the connection altogether.

Monster risked raising his voice. “Chester! Damn it, I need you. Okay, okay. I admit it! I need you! I’m screwed without you, and this wouldn’t be the first time. You’re my secret weapon, my partner. Hell, you’re smarter than I am, and we both know it. So come on and—”

The door opened. Chester stuck in his head. “Monster, is that you? I thought I heard your—”

Monster checked the hall before pulling Chester into the room and almost shutting the door. He kept it open with his foot. As long as it was open, the containment spell was inactive.

“Are you wearing plaid with stripes?” asked Chester.

“Never mind that,” said Monster.

“What the heck is going on?” asked Chester. “Where are we? And what were you saying? I didn’t quite catch any of it.”

“Nothing,” said Monster. “It was nothing.”

The imp sniffed at Chester’s fingertips. It licked a paper digit.

“Careful there. This is a fresh body. I don’t need it getting all soggy right away.” Chester rolled his arm up and smacked the creature across the nose. “Why is there an imp here?”

“Judy sent it,” replied Monster.

“Why would she send an imp?”

“You’ll have to ask her. I tried asking the imp, but it didn’t feel like sharing. There will be time to figure things out after we get out of here.”

“Shouldn’t we find Judy first?” asked Chester.

“She wants to be here,” said Monster.

“Does she? The way I see it, she brought you here to help her escape, even if she didn’t know it consciously at the time.”

“Yes, and then she smacked me around when I tried to help. So screw that. If she doesn’t want to be rescued, I’m not going to waste my time trying.”

“I don’t know. I’m not sure you have a choice. Even if you manage to escape without her, what would prevent her from sending another giant purple worm or some other cryptobiological to retrieve you again?”

“Because I told her not to.”

“Because that’s worked like gangbusters so far.”

Monster heard someone coming down the hall. He put his finger to his lips as he closed the door but kept the handle turned so that the latch didn’t catch. The person walked past and kept going.

Chester stuck his head under the door to check if the person had truly gone before they dared to speak.

“Okay, damn it,” said Monster. “You’re right. It probably is smarter to grab Judy when we go.”

His original plan was for Chester to run a quick recon and then for the two of them to make a dash for the front door. Having to take Judy along meant more risk. Without his runes, Monster didn’t stand much of a chance. He sent Chester to scout the place and find some supplies. Monster sat by the door, scratching the imp on its head. Just when he was sure Chester must have been caught, the paper gnome returned. He handed Monster a notepad and two black pens.

“What took so long?” Monster took a quick inventory.

“There are only six sheets left on this pad. And I wanted a green pen.”

“This is all I could find,” said Chester. “You’re welcome.”

“Yeah, yeah. Thanks. Hold the doorknob while I get this ready.”

“Live to serve,” said Chester with blatant insincerity.

Monster scribbled a few runes from memory. Nothing complicated. Without his dictionary, anything beyond the most basic spell was bound to backfire. He had enough problems without adding the embarrassment of blowing off his own hand. The practical joke runes he’d learned were the only ones he could remember. It’d been years since he’d used them, but they were still strongest in his mind. Simple magic, meant to annoy more than anything. But without his dictionary, they were the extent of his arsenal.

“There are a lot of cats,” said Chester. “The two women are in the study. It’s at the bottom of the stairs, just to the left.”

“And the old lady?”

“Didn’t see her.”

“Did you look everywhere?”

“I didn’t check the basement,” said Chester. “Maybe she’s there. Or maybe she’s out of the house.”

Monster hoped so. The old lady was a loony, but she had a lot of power. He would rather not tangle with her.

“Judy is in the kitchen,” said Chester. “I think we can get her and leave by the back door. If you’re quiet, you could probably sneak past the women too.”

Monster scrawled out the runes and folded them carefully into his pockets, putting one in his shirt pocket and one more in each pant pocket. A third he crumpled up into a ball and held in his fist. He took a few minutes to commit each location to memory. There wouldn’t be much time to remember in the heat of escape.

“I think Judy’s been drugged,” said Chester. “She’s acting dopey.”

“She’s always acting dopey.”

“What’s the plan?”

“We run downstairs, grab Judy, and make a run for it,” said Monster.

“You do realize that your detailed plan has three steps and two of those steps hinge on running?”

“It’s easy to criticize,” said Monster. “I don’t see you coming up with the plan.”

“Good point,” agreed Chester. “Let’s do it.”

Monster and Chester stepped out into the hall and moved as quickly to the stairs as they could without making a lot of noise. The imp trailed behind silently. Monster leaned over the banister and scanned the bottom of the staircase. There was no one there, and the front door was standing unguarded. It would’ve been easy to bolt for it, but he had to find Judy. He sized up the archway to the den. It was about eight feet wide. If he was lucky, he could slink past it without being seen.

Something meowed behind him.

There were many cats in the house. They lined the hallways and steps but were so quiet and unobtrusive that it was easy to forget they were there. Hearing a feline sound caught him by surprise.

Monster turned to face Pendragon. The cat mewed again.

“Shhhhh, kitty.” Monster scratched the cat’s head.

The imp growled at Pendragon. The cat arched his back, and Pendragon and the imp circled each other, making too much noise. Monster tried shushing them. He went to grab the imp before a fight broke, and ended up nearly getting roasted by a blast of flame from Pendragon. Monster jumped back as he beat out his smoking sleeve. He stepped on another cat’s tail and it roared like a lion. He stumbled and kicked another feline. This one honked like a goose. His foot caught the edge of a step and he tumbled down the stairs, sending cats screeching and howling in all directions. His fall came to an end as he collided with a small table, tipping over a flower vase, causing it to shatter.

The clamor of an imp wrestling with a fire-breathing cat, along with the fireballs and shrieking at the top of the stairs, destroyed any chances of being sneaky.

Monster’s vision cleared just in time to see a giant hand wrapping around his throat. It squeezed his windpipe closed and lifted him off the floor.

“You aren’t supposed to be here, are you?” said Ferdinand.

He beat her with his fists, without noticeable effect.

“I forget,” said Ferdinand to Ed. “Are we allowed to kill him?”

“I don’t think so.”

Ferdinand blew a bubble. “I guess I’ll just choke him out.”

Monster slammed the rune spell in his right hand onto her arm. She released him and staggered backwards, knocking Ed aside.

“What did you do to me?” Ferdinand asked.

“Instant vertigo,” he replied.

“You son of a—” She swung at him, but he easily dodged. She collapsed on the floor and struggled to get up.

Ed kicked his knee, and Monster fell. She raised her leg above her head and prepared to bring it down with skull-crushing force.

Chester, in the form of a paper octopus, flung himself at Ed, wrapping his tentacles around her head. Her foot came down an inch from Monster’s face as she whirled around the room.

Monster pulled another spell from his pocket and crumpled it into a ball.