Monster Hunter Memoirs: Grunge - eARC (24 page)

“There are monsters which
are
harmless. There are monsters which are irredeemable. There are those which are in the middle. Bottom line, if they are not dangerous MHI and any
credible
monster hunting organization ignores them. Live and let live. But
vampires
? Vicious, bloody, undead killing machines? You might as well argue for
zombie
rights! I know of not a single instance where they got their blood from blood banks. They get their blood from holding captives in disgusting conditions and feeding them the bloody
chunks
of those who perish from their draining.
Vampires
? Stake, chop and
cremate
! Unless you’re very good with a sword, which I am, in which case you can skip ‘stake.’

“When we don’t aggressively hunt them, they breed like
mad
. Please stop reading Anne Rice, Honorable Congresswoman. Please,” I finished, holding my hands in a praying motion. “If you try to interview a vampire I assure you it will rip your throat out before you can ask its name,” I added, chuckling. “That completes my response, Honorable chairwoman…”

I had a good quip for every single hostile question, I had every question nailed and I could answer them all in under two minutes. My mother had repeatedly asked to revise and extend and with the chairwoman in her pocket it had been allowed. My mother could be a very boring harridan.

But most testimony is for show, even with UF testimony. Where the real power lies is in knowing the staff behind the scenes and meetings in private. I couldn’t spend all my time in DC. I had monsters to kill. I eventually found a medically retired Hunter, lost her right leg to a luska, named Melanie Simmons who had picked up her law degree after retirement. She had a Federal Bar certificate and already worked for a lobbying firm in DC. I hired her to set up a lobbying firm for Hunter activities to handle the background and explain that, no, Mr. Gardenier isn’t available because he, you know, is out there saving people.

My mother was always available. Because she wasn’t. That point also scored.

So did the fact that Hunters had money. Monster rights advocates had to have a hard time raising money. Where did they advertise? The back of Harlequin?

I later found out that most of their money came from grants from, you guessed it, the Federal Government, to “study” monsters and even to advocate for monster rights. And where did
that
money come from? The subcommittee I was testifying in front of.

What the fuck? Never mind. Democracy isn’t the best system of government, just the best we’ve ever found.

In those private meetings I stressed a few points over and over again. They weren’t even about “hunters are better than cops for this” or “we need more money.”

The point was that those subcommittees were the most important job in Congress.

That point sort of caught most of the legislators and even staff off balance. “I don’t think so” was the undercurrent. What about Ways and Means? Defense? State?

“Think about the worst possible situation you can in the mundane world. Nuclear war? Nuclear war might blast us into a very bad decade. Would it wipe out civilization? No. There aren’t enough bombs in both inventories. Most of the world would sit it out. And the US would have a very hard ten year, maybe longer. We’d be a third world country for the next century. We might break up.

“If the Great Old Ones break through, if the Fey take over, human civilization will
end
. A few free humans might survive for a couple of generations, max. The Fallen would use us for sport until they get bored and then humanity will
end
. All the trees, all the bison, all the flowers, will be smashed, burned, destroyed. The environment? Old Ones will destroy it. They would wipe out every bit of life on earth until the last rabbit is flayed alive and dies screaming.

“
None
of you will be spared. You won’t be able to hide in the deepest bunkers or the furthest wastes.
Nothing
can protect you. Your
families
will not be spared.
Everyone
you love will die
screaming
. Eaten by vampires, turned into zombies, possessed by demons, devoured for a thousand years in the stomach of shoggoths, their very souls stolen and denied heaven and tortured for all eternity by the Old Ones. The skies will be black as night and the rivers will literally run with blood as the whole world screams for
decades
until there is no-one
left
to scream.

“That is what these subcommittees consider every time they meet. How to save the God-damned
world
(senior staffer, Congressman, Senator.)
You
are the most important people in the world because it is,
every damned day
, in
your
hands.

“The Elder Things, the Old Ones, the Outer Powers, they only have to get it right
once
. You have to get it right
every single day
. And if you don’t, every human, every animal, every plant on earth will perish in pain and fire.

“But no pressure,” I’d add with a grin.

The argument even sunk home with some of the monster rights side of the table. Unfortunately, they preferred appeasement. “I’m sure we can negotiate with the Old Ones.” Gah.

By the way, if you were a Monster Hunter or even a former Monster Hunter, do not bother to apply for any of those grants to study monsters. You are a vicious mercenary even if you do have two masters from Oxford University. And later two PhDs.

Just to try to get my mom to stroke out, when I found out the address of her “secret” newsletter and “academic publishing house,” I submitted my papers. They had, after all, been accepted by Oxford University Press.

I never even got a rejection letter.

Several times when I was in DC I touched base with ADD Wilson. We even ended up going out for a drink to discuss the Dark Masters case. The depredations had continued. They’d gotten word from Org Crime as well about a shadowy group looking for “virgins.” Nobody could pin them down. They seemed to be working the whole US. And with the exception of the Seattle job, none of the victims had ever turned up. There were probably more. Several of the girls in Seattle had been listed as “runaways.” Most police departments list any teen who is a missing person as “runaway” whether there is any evidence for that or not.

I said I’d shake my trees and see if anything fell out.

It did, but not for a few years. And when it did, it again got personal.

Thornton, you really were a vicious prick but…Jesus. Ten virgins for a wight? Twenty thousand dollars for a virgin?

They really
were
as expensive as the vampire lady said.

“Got any idea how hard it is to find a virgin these days?” were practically my brother’s last words.

CHAPTER 17

Enough about politics and my fucked up family. Back to monster hunting.

We’d just taken down an ogre magi and his “court” of three ogres and a satyr.

It was the sixth “large scale” monster we’d taken down since the lich. Most of them, according to the gnolls who mostly gave me the tips, had moved in recently. We seemed to be in the midst of a monster migration. Good for business, bad for health. Doc Lucius was out for a significant period of time
before
the ogre magi courtesy of a necromancer with a big flesh golem and I had gotten seriously banged up by members of the ogre’s court. Jesse was in traction. We were getting short on shooters at this rate.

Something was going on and it wasn’t good. The problem being, we had no idea what. So I decided to shake a tree and went to Saury.

I ordered my usual then when the server came with the meal I asked to see Naoki-sama.

Since I was a favored customer, and favored of the yakuza, the owner made his way over quickly.

“Assei-sama,” Naoki said, bowing. “Is all well? The food is good?”

The food was always good. Because Saury was very traditional. I’d tried a couple of other bento places just to check and I couldn’t believe what I’d seen. There was this new thing called a “California Roll.” And some of the horrible geck that they put in them! Avocado! Can you believe they put
avocado
in a sushi roll? It was like using Mo No Ken to cut grass! Sacrilege!

“Excellent as always, Naoki-sama,” I said, bowing back. “I would ask a favor. I have need to speak to a man of distinction. There are troubling winds and I would have his wisdom. I am aware that this may cause you issues. It is entirely your choice.”

“It shall be as you desire, Assei-sama,” Naoki said, bowing again. He had the perfect Japanese mien but I could tell he wasn’t looking forward to calling the yakuza boss and telling him the gaijin wanted to chat.

“This is not a matter of haste or hostility,” I clarified. “I truly need his wisdom.”

About a week later I’m in Saury again and using chopsticks left-handed courtesy of a particularly powerful kelpie. The damned thing had a kick like a mule. Just another in a long list of monsters that had been turning up. And Oshiro sits down next to me.

“You never call, you never write,” Oshiro said. “This must be business.”

“Do too. I sent you a birthday card.”

“I thought the gray dust in it was a nice touch. What was it?”

“Vampire dust,” I said. “But I knew it would look like fugu.”

“Nice shiner,” he said, handing over his order to the sweating server.

“Which is the business I would, yes, like to discuss,” I said, juggling my roll. “I’m still not quite ambidextrous with chopsticks and my team is down to three hale people because we seem to be in the middle of a monster migration. Any clue why on your end?”

“The supernatural is your area.”

“Had to ask,” I said. “What am I going to owe for the honor of your presence?”

“Nothing,” Oshiro said. “I’m not nearly that traditional. And this has been a very good business arrangement. But you seriously don’t understand what is going on?”

“I wouldn’t be taking up your time if I did. Do you?”

“I’ve got an educated guess. It seems simple to me. When you killed that lich you created a power vacuum. Powerful entities have territories. Like Monster Hunters or government or my own humble self. You took out the big cheese in Seattle. Others, those without territories, are now trying to move in. And will continue to do so until a new entity takes this as its territory. And even after one has taken the territory, it will continue to have to defend it until others decide it is not worth the effort.”

“So you think…every city or whatever has supernatural entities that control that territory?” I said, boggling.

“I think so,” Oshiro said. “It seems like some large ones have several who respect each other’s territories. Most are ones which are wise enough to stay off the radar. The recent immigrants would not have been so wise.”

“Is there an answer?” I asked.

“Wait for one to move in that you can hold your nose for?” Oshiro said, shrugging.

“So far that hasn’t been happening.” The kelpie had seduced and drowned multiple women before we tracked it down. I think they were blaming it on “The Green River Killer.” And it wasn’t alone. It, too, had a group of hench-things.

“Find one that wants a territory and ally with it?” Oshiro said, gesturing at the bar. “It is not as if you don’t occasionally make deals with the devil.”

“Suggestions?”

“The supernatural is your area,” Oshiro said, standing up. “I have other areas to manage. Good luck. Hope you survive. You’ve been helpful to my bottom line. The Fathers are pleased.”

When Naoki-sama presented the check he did so with trepidation. There was a “consulting charge” of ten thousand dollars on it.

I sighed and put it on the Gold Card. Not going to cost anything my ass. TANSTAAFL.

There Ain’t No Such Thing As A Free Lunch.

* * *

I explained the conversation with the Doctors Nelson.

“I’ve never heard that theory before but it makes sense, I suppose,” Doc Lucius said. “It doesn’t surprise me that a criminal who thinks in terms of controlling turf would have a unique perspective on monster behavior.”

“Theoretically, we could find something that could come to the Seattle area that we could work with,” Doctor Joan said, biting her lip. “That is a very short list. Both in terms of what we’re willing to work with and what the MCB will allow. If we accept, say, a major vampire, I’m fairly sure they would consider that ‘conspiracy with outer powers’ and
our
heads would be on the chopping block.”

“So it would have to be anything that is either not on the PUFF table or for some reason PUFF exempt,” I said. “But powerful enough and capable of using that power to bring order to the monsters in town. That has got to be a very short list.”

“Assuming such an entity would come to Seattle,” Doctor Lucius said.

“There has to be one looking for a territory,” I said. “We need more information. I don’t think the gnolls will be much use. They don’t think much beyond ‘Smells like teen urine.’”

“Talk to the elves?” Doctor Lucius asked.

“Oh, please, not those,” Doctor Joan said.

By then I’d learned that elves were not the wise and noble creatures depicted in the
Lord of the Rings
. But I’d never dealt with them.

“I’ll go,” I said. “I’ve been sort of wanting to meet them, anyway.”

“They won’t talk to a human they don’t know,” Doctor Lucius said. “I’ll go.”

“Don’t fall for their wiles, Chad,” Doctor Joan said. “They can be dangerously seductive.”

“I’m not worried,” I said, grinning. “Me, too.”

“That’s what I’m worried about,” Doctor Joan said, sighing.

* * *

“Hey, there,” she said. “I’m Cheyenne. Hot car!”

The elf girl was about five foot nothing wearing purple hot pants, a red tube top and pink Candies. Red hair and deep blue eyes that were almost purple. She leaned in the window of Honeybear, arms crossed in such a way as to maximize the already noticeable cleavage of the tube top.

“Thanks.” I gave her whole body a full peruse. Nice legs, great ass. Damn! I was going to
like
dealing with the elves. “I did all the work myself. I’ve got…great hands,” I added, holding the left one up and wiggling the fingers suggestively.

Doctor Nelson wouldn’t approve, but he was talking to the leader of the elf colony in the Spokane area. He’d suggested I wait in the car after lugging three cases of beer and five cartons of Marlboro Reds onto the porch of the beaten down trailer.

“And a nice sword,” Cheyenne said. “Can I see it?”

I had Mo No Ken on the front seat.

“See it, yes,” I said, picking up the sword. “I only let really close, personal, friends touch my sword.”

I drew Mo No Ken partially out of the scabbard and shifted it so she could peruse the steel.

“I just love big,
sharp
, swords,” Cheyenne said, batting her eyes.

“Are you a sword swallower?” I asked, putting Mo No Ken away.

“Depends on the sword,” Cheyenne said, batting her eyes again. “I’d probably be willing to swallow yours.
All
the way down.”

“Aggh,” I said as Doctor Nelson came walking around the corner. “My boss is back. Maybe we can talk later? I could show you some sword tricks.”

“I’d like that,” Cheyenne said, leaning back. “Come any time. I’m always looking for somebody cute to come. Bye.”

“Whoa, she was
hot
,” I said as we left the trailer park.

“Check her age for God’s sake, Chad,” Doctor Nelson said. “Some of those elf park girls might look eighty or ninety but they’re only forty or fifty. And that can kind of piss off their families. You don’t want to do that.”

“Anything?” I asked.

“No,” Lucius said with a sigh. “The countess agreed with Oshiro’s assessment. But she wasn’t much help in terms of a solution. And another thing about trailer park elf girls, Chad.”

“I gotcha. Wear a raincoat.”

“More like bunker gear.”

* * ** * *

Back at my apartment I thought about the problem while working out my right arm. It was getting better but still wasn’t a hundred percent. And if I was going to take on an elf maiden, hah, I knew I was going to have to be in shape.

Not to mention whatever monster appeared next.

Finally, I picked up the phone and dialed a number in DC.

“Congressman Terry’s office.”

“Hi, it’s Chad Gardenier Is Bert around?”

Time to get some pay back for all that PUFF money I’d sent the Congressman’s way.

* * *

“There is only so much information I can give you, Chad,” Bert said, grimacing over his caesar salad.

Bertram Gregory was Congressman Terry’s senior aide. Heavy-set he was perpetually on a diet that never seemed to work. He’d been the Congressman’s campaign manager and was now the back-room dealer for the Congressman. The man you handed the “campaign finance” checks to while the Congressman shook hands.

Like the Congressman, he shuttled between Washington state and DC. He had a house in Davenport, which was the “big town” of the Congressman’s fairly sparse district, but spent most of his time in either Spokane or Seattle.

“I just need a list of the type of powerful entities that aren’t going to piss off MCB if we ignore them,” I said. “There has to be such a list.”

“The PUFF Exempt list,” Bert said, nodding. “Thing is, it lists them by name. And that list is closed. It’s like WitSec. I don’t even have access to it. But there are types that are off the PUFF list unless they put themselves on it, like elves.”

“Not powerful enough,” I said. “It’s like saying ‘what about a gnome momma?’ I need something strong enough to hold down a
city
. That won’t be sacrificing virgins to make wights, eating people or drowning women to suck out their souls.”

“That pretty much boils down to some kinds of Fey,” Bert said, grimacing. “I wish like hell you’d never gotten Gary into this. Like I don’t have
enough
things to do? And all this PUFF stuff does exactly nothing for the district that anyone can see. It’s like that stupid Afghanistan thing that Good-times Charlie is into!”

“Afghanistan?” I asked.

“Don’t ask,” Bert said. “Nothing to do with PUFF. But the only thing I can think of is Fey.”

“I don’t exactly think a Baba Yaga is going to be an improvement over an ogre mage,” I said.

“If I recall correctly, and I could be wrong, Baba Yaga is
one
type of Fey,” Bert said. “Some are super powerful, but ambivalent about mankind. We don’t put them on the PUFF list, they don’t mess with us, we don’t mess with them. But not a Fey Queen or a Hunt King. And you don’t want a Hunt King. They tend to be…Bad.”

“Like The Horned One?” I asked.

“Yeah,” Bert said, shuddering. “They’re around but they generally keep a low profile. Know that story ‘The Most Dangerous Game’?”

“Read it. Christ, is there anything out there that is fiction that
isn’t
based on a real story?”

“
Old Man and the Sea?”
Bert said.

“Hemingway’s boat captain told him the story.”

“Then I guess not,” Bert said. “But you could talk to a Faerie Queen if you dare. I don’t suggest it. Most people who do deals with them don’t end up well. And we’ve really appreciated the support.”

I loved how similar that was to what Oshiro said to me. But I wasn’t going to compare Congress to the Yakuza. Not to his face.

“Yeah, but I need one who doesn’t have a territory and preferably needs something. Something I can provide. Thoughts?”

“None that come to mind,” Bert said. “Look, I’m back in DC next week. I’ll talk to some contacts. See what I can come up with.”

* * *

About a week and a half later Bert called. We’d cleared a nest of trolls and something that called himself a “Troll King.” I didn’t know trolls had kings. Tough son-of-a-bitch but fortunately it was in an area we could use flame-throwers. He wasn’t so tough running around in circles on fire. We’d added some powdered aluminum just in case.

“Guy’s going to be visiting,” Bert said. “He’s from an agency that doesn’t officially exist. You’ll know who it is. Has a suggestion. He’s the most dangerous man you’ll ever meet. And I am
out
of this discussion.”

* * *

“Assei-sama,” the man said, sitting down next to me at Saury.

He was enormously tall, handsome, had thick dark hair, tan skin, and odd rose colored, wire-rimmed glasses. I figured this was my government contact.

He was speaking Japanese so I played along.

“A mutual friend said you may be of assistance.”

“Bert’s a cog in a machine. He didn’t find me. I found him. But yeah, I can assist. First, my terms. No one, your employers included, can ever know we spoke. The Shacklefords don’t approve of my agency, and they’d never approve this plan. They’re short sighted like that. The Nelsons want peace in Seattle enough they’ll go along and not tattle, but when they ask how you got your information, make something up. This meeting never happened. Do you agree?”