Moonstone (37 page)

“I think we need to start this conversation over.”

“Start over from where?” Kelsey slapped the steering wheel and cussed again. She pulled off at the next exit and made a U-turn under the highway overpass. She pulled back on the highway heading north.

“Where are we going?”

Kelsey didn’t answer.

“Look, I haven’t made any decisions. I couldn’t without talking to you about everything.” Joy checked her volume. She didn’t want to yell. She’d already learned that only made Kelsey shut down. “I didn’t want to bring it up because I don’t know if we’re ready to talk about long-term.” Joy wanted Kelsey to say something. After a long pause she said, “Would you even consider moving somewhere with me?”

“I moved in with you, Joy.”

“I know, but would you leave Raceda?”

Kelsey’s gaze was focused on the highway. She didn’t answer.

“We haven’t even talked about what we’re doing together. I love living with you. I love having you in my bed. I love hearing you introduce me as your girlfriend. But I don’t know what you want down the line. You don’t ever want to talk about the future. I think you’re into me but for how long?”

Joy continued, “So, yeah, I might sell the clinic. I might move away. But I wouldn’t make any decision without talking to you first. Because I’d want you to come with me.”

Kelsey still didn’t answer. There were tears in her eyes, but she wiped them off before they could fall. They passed the highway sign for Trinidad and Kelsey turned off at the exit for Moonstone Beach. The parking lot was full. She pulled off the road and parked half in a ditch, then climbed out without even a glance at Joy.

Joy took her time getting out. In the past four months that they’d lived together, she’d never once seen Kelsey angry. Kelsey was making her way down the trail to the beach and didn’t say anything when Joy reached for her hand. She didn’t pull away, so Joy clasped it tightly, fighting back her own tears. Kelsey didn’t have to tell her what she already knew. She couldn’t leave Raceda.

The waves were up and a handful of surfers were trying their luck. A small crowd had gathered to watch. It was rare to see any surfers at Moonstone, so they got special attention. Kelsey walked past the first throng of beachgoers and headed straight for the boulder. Joy let go of her hand when a wave came up. Kelsey tromped through ankle-deep water and then started to climb up the back side of the rock. She found the easy footholds and was halfway up before she slowed down. She’d gotten to the tricky spot and Joy watched as Kelsey searched the rock with her hand for a crevice to grab. When Kelsey finally settled in at the top, Joy started her climb, timing the waves so she wasn’t wading through the water to reach the boulder.

Kelsey didn’t look down as Joy climbed up but as soon as she sat down next to her, she reached for her hand. “I’ve had this weight on me…This thing that I know I need to tell you but can’t seem to.” She kissed Joy’s fingers. “I keep trying to convince myself that it was my past, not my future, and so we didn’t need to talk about it.” Kelsey took a deep breath. “But that was only my excuse.” She pointed over her shoulder at the rock cliffs facing the ocean. “Do you see that little alcove there? Down at the base of the cliff?”

Joy nodded.

“I spent the night there.” Kelsey cleared her throat. “I haven’t come back to this beach since then—except to get the rental car that I left because I was too out of it to drive.” She hesitated for only a moment and then continued, “You know how I said that I fell? I did. Off this rock. But I lied about everything else.” Kelsey stopped. She looked over at Joy. “I’d gone to see Hannah that night. I don’t even know why I went there. I was lonely, I guess, and I knew she’d be home. She wanted me to come inside. I almost did. But then I left. I wanted to tell you everything that night. That I’d had this problem.”

Kelsey closed her eyes. “That night I was going to tell you that it wasn’t only Hannah who had the drug problem. But you weren’t home so I came here. And I still had Hannah’s pills. I came up with this idea. If I could throw away Hannah’s pills, then I wouldn’t need to tell you that I’d been addicted. Because if I could throw away those pills, that meant that I didn’t have a problem with drugs anymore. That it was all in my past. When I got here, though, I realized why I’d held on to them for so long. I could have tossed them in the trash so many times. But I didn’t.”

“You took her medication?” The idea was ludicrous, but as soon as Joy said the words she knew it was true.

“I tossed the Percocet into the water.” Kelsey continued, “But I wanted the valium. I don’t even remember how many I took. That night’s a blur.”

Joy stared out at the water. Waves curled along the shore and left a foamy wake. She couldn’t look at Kelsey. “What were you addicted to before? Was it valium?”

“No. That night was the first time I’d taken valium.” Kelsey shifted on the rock. “Nate gave me some stuff over the years. If there’s a chance something can make you high, he’ll try it. But I’ve never liked any of it. Pot made me feel stupid. Mushrooms made me feel crazy.” She shook her head. “But then after the shoulder…my stomach was sick from all the Motrin and Tylenol didn’t touch the pain. So Hannah gave me something for the pain. I wasn’t trying to get high. I only wanted the pain to go away. And it worked…But after a while, I realized it was all that I was thinking about. When could I take the next pill, could I skip work that day and take the pill…I knew that I needed to stop. I wasn’t an addict like Hannah.”

“‘Not like Hannah.’ That’s not entirely comforting.”

“That’s what I told myself anyway.” Kelsey crossed her arms. She stared out at the water, silent for several minutes. Finally she said, “The thing is, I really thought I was done. I wanted to tell you that I’d had that problem but that I was past it. But then that night happened. And I lost control.” She stopped and shook her head. “I didn’t want to feel any pain. But I’ve never felt so horrible.”

Joy remembered the sight of the welt on Kelsey’s forehead. She’d clearly had a concussion. “You were covered in bruises. And the fever…”

Kelsey nodded. “I don’t remember what happened, but I woke up against the rocks over there. I know I tried climbing this rock, but it was dark and everything was wet.” She paused. “When I woke up, everything hurt. One minute I was sweating and the next I was freezing cold. I think the fever was from the valium. The headache was impossible. I could hardly open my eyes. The light hurt too much.”

Kelsey had stopped talking and eyed the surfers. Joy followed her gaze. A big wave had two kids up on their feet. There were whistles and calls from the shore as one of the surfers walked up and down his board showing off. When the tip of the board nosedived suddenly, the surfer dropped out of sight. The wave seemed to swallow him whole. Joy scanned the water’s surface. The crowd was quiet. After what seemed like an impossibly long time, his head bobbed up several yards from where he’d gone under. The other surfer had hopped off the wave only seconds before it crashed against the rocks.

“Crazy surfers,” Kelsey said.

“What gets me is that I asked you. That night, I asked you what you were on. You couldn’t even look at me. Fine. I get it. That night was hard and maybe you couldn’t talk about it then…But I asked you again and then you lied. You looked right at me and said that it was only a fall. And it takes you four months to tell me what happened and then only because you think I might be leaving? What the hell?” Joy shook her head. She continued, lowering her voice, “And I get that you didn’t want to tell me you were addicted before. But you should have. Because now I’m sitting here wondering how many other things you might have lied about. I don’t even care about what you were on…if it really was in the past.”

A wave slapped against the base of the boulder and a fine mist sprayed up. Joy waited for the wave to recede and then stood up. “But maybe it doesn’t even matter. Because maybe all along this
was
your rebound. I was the one you needed to get you back on your feet, but you can’t give me long term. I don’t want to leave Raceda without you but you don’t want to leave Raceda at all. And you don’t have to say the words. I get it. I should have known.”

Joy waited for Kelsey to say something, but the seconds ticked by with only the sound of the waves crashing on the rocks. Finally she started the climb down, landing on the wet sand just as a wave receded. She walked back toward the parking lot without looking back at Kelsey. She didn’t look over at the surfers either, and she didn’t smile at the people she passed.
One foot in front of the other
, she thought silently. Wasn’t that what she always did?
Move from one goal to the next and don’t carry anything, or anyone, with you along the way.
She made her way back to the parking lot seeing nothing but sand. Sand and rocks. She weaved between the cars and then headed up the road to where the Jeep was parked. She tried the door. Of course Kelsey had locked it. She leaned against the door and closed her eyes. She had no idea what to do next.

Kelsey was only a few minutes behind her. She unlocked the doors and then tried to open Joy’s door for her. Joy grabbed the handle and hopped in, more annoyed than she knew she should be. The drive home was quiet. Kelsey kept the radio off and the only sound was from the passing cars.

Kelsey thought of Barb’s advice. No secrets. It was terrible advice. Everyone kept secrets. She sat in the Jeep with the engine still running. They’d gone to dinner with two friends from the pool. Everything had seemed normal. Joy had laughed and talked with Nadine and Bree as if nothing was amiss. But Kelsey felt as if she’d held her breath all evening. When Joy mentioned something about a friend in San Francisco, her stomach had tightened and she hadn’t been able to finish her meal. Maybe it was already over.

It’d been two weeks since Kelsey had told Joy. No questions had followed. No fight about the lie she’d told and no more conversation about the drugs she’d taken—either that night or before. Nothing. The silence was suffocating. Joy managed to keep up with the usual day-to-day conversations, but she went quiet if Kelsey asked her how she was feeling. Each night Kelsey waited for Joy to come to bed with her, hoping. But Joy had started sleeping in the other bedroom. And maybe Joy had already made her decision to leave.

Denise said the newest offer to buy Moonstone had been withdrawn. Joy had missed the deadline. Again. But Kelsey doubted that was the last offer she’d get. She needed to ask when Joy was going to leave, but the words stuck in her throat every time she considered it.

Kelsey turned on the radio. At first the music kept her from thinking, but after a few minutes it was impossible not to circle back to the same question. Would Joy stay if she asked?

The DJ’s voice interrupted the music and she hit the off button. Then she banged her fist against the dashboard. Somehow she had to plan what she’d do next. After Joy broke up with her. She could rent an apartment by the marina, but she couldn’t crawl back to her mom’s house again. The thought of Joy leaving, the planning of what to do if Joy left, when Joy left, made her sick to her stomach. She got out of the Jeep.

The front door opened before she could reach for the handle and Joy stared at her.

“I was coming to get you.”

“I don’t want be fighting anymore,” Kelsey said.

“We aren’t fighting. We just aren’t talking.”

“We’re fighting,” Kelsey argued. She felt tears press at the corner of her eyes. She thought of all the things she’d planned to say to Joy, all the reasons for why what had happened wasn’t a big deal and why Joy was overreacting, for why they needed to forget about that one night, forget about the lie because it wouldn’t happen again and forget about the fact that she’d had a drug problem because she didn’t have it anymore. But she only stared back at Joy, hoping that the next words off her lips weren’t goodbye.

“Do you want to come inside?”

“Don’t leave,” Kelsey said. All the other words were gone. She waited for Joy to argue that she wasn’t planning her move, but Joy was silent. Kelsey wiped at her eyes. Somehow she had to continue.

“I’m sorry. I know I shouldn’t have kept all that from you. I know I should have told you I had a problem sooner. But I really thought I was over it all.” She didn’t want to go on, but she knew that she had to. “The thing is, I never really faced up to any of it. Only Hannah knew how much I was taking. And I couldn’t admit it out loud even to myself. Drugs were always part of the Hannah problem. My mom guessed, but we never really talked about it. You’re the only person I’ve ever told.”

Kelsey squeezed her hands into fists to stop them from shaking. She shook her head. “I should have been upfront about it, but when do you tell someone that stuff? And the truth is, I didn’t want you to know that about me. I didn’t want to be that person.” She paused. Joy was staring at her, but her expression was hard to read. Kelsey rubbed her eyes to keep from crying. “And then I lied and made everything worse. And it was dumb, I know, and I get it that you hate what I did. I hate it too.

“But don’t leave because of that. Leave because you can’t stay in Raceda. Leave because you don’t think we could work through this.” Kelsey stopped. She stared at Joy. “And because you don’t think that this is worth it. But I need to tell you that if you’d asked me to leave Raceda—to come with you—I would have said yes. In a heartbeat. I still would.”

Joy reached for her and Kelsey folded into Joy’s arms. They hadn’t touched in weeks and the feel of Joy’s body against hers now was too much. She didn’t try to stop the tears. Joy led her inside and closed the door.

“I’m sorry,” Kelsey said again. The tears had stopped and she could only hold onto Joy, hoping that the apology was enough. “That’s all I’ve got.”

“I’m sorry too.” Joy held her for a long time before she let go. “Let’s go to bed. It’s late.”

Kelsey followed Joy upstairs. They passed through the doorway and Joy caught her hand. She pulled her into another embrace and then a kiss followed. Kelsey let Joy kiss her again. At first she could hardly respond, standing still as Joy pulled off her shirt and kissed her lips again. But then Joy’s touch was insistent and suddenly she needed to be touched as much as Joy wanted her.