More Bitter Than Death (39 page)

“Shit!” she yells.

We skid straight into an enormous spruce tree. The crash is deafening. There is the sound of breaking glass and crumpling metal, and then silence. The only sound to be heard is the swishing of the one windshield wiper that’s still going, like the leg of a dying insect, twitching spastically in front of me.

Snow swirls into the car. I brush some glass off my knee and turn to look at Kattis, whose forehead is leaning against the steering wheel.

“Are you okay?” I say, touching her shoulder, but she doesn’t respond, just whimpers a little. I grab her shoulder, shake her harder. “Say something.”

“My leg,” she hisses.

“Continue straight ahead,” the robotic voice says, as if nothing has happened.

I lean toward Kattis and shut off the engine. I see where her leg disappears under the dashboard, but something looks wrong. It’s like her whole seat has slid forward so that her legs don’t really have room anymore, or as if the front of the car has been folded in like an accordion, pinning her legs.

“Hang on, I’ll help you,” I say. I button up my coat and wrap my scarf around my head and neck, open the car door, and sink into the fresh snow, which is unexpectedly deep. Once again my boots are filled with the downy snow.

My naked fingers fumble along the body of the car as I stumble toward the hood, only to find that we’re stuck halfway down a deep ditch. I carefully climb down into the ditch, and hear a sound like glass shattering as my foot breaks through some thin ice. I feel my boot fill with ice-cold water. I turn around, blinded by the one headlight that’s still on.

The tree trunk seems unscathed, but the whole front left side of the car is wrapped around the tree. I climb out of the ditch, squinting into the headlight with the snow flying around me. There’s no way we’ll be able to drive anywhere. All I can do is try to get Kattis out so we can walk the last little bit by foot.

I go around to Kattis’s side and see that even the door is crushed. She screams when I try the handle. What if she’s really hurt, seriously hurt?

Then I wrap my scarf around my hand and punch away the remaining bits of glass that are left in the driver’s side window so that I can see what’s going on. I carefully pull her torso up and prop her against the seat back so I can take a look at her legs. She whimpers.

It’s not easy to see anything in the faint light that seeps in, but once my eyes adjust to the darkness, I see that her leg is trapped under the metal. Blood is trickling out just above her knee and a dark stain is spreading on her jeans.

“Can you move your leg?”

“No,” she answers immediately, loudly. Suddenly she seems completely present. “No, and don’t touch it, okay?”

I hear the panic in her voice and nod, place my hand on her shoulder.

I call 911 and am surprised to be put on hold. The situation seems absurd. I drum my fingers on the phone impatiently and scan the dark woods. How can anyone live here, in the middle of nowhere?

Suddenly I hear a voice on the line and I surprise myself by starting to cry. I struggle to get out my words and have to keep repeating myself but finally
manage to say that we were in a car accident and that my friend is injured. The woman on the other end asks about Kattis’s breathing and the extent of her bleeding. She asks if Kattis is responsive and if she seems like she’s in shock. I give the woman the GPS coordinates so they can find us and the woman explains that the storm has caused a lot of accidents. She says an ambulance is coming but that it might take awhile. She explains that I need to make sure to keep Kattis warm and keep an eye on how she’s acting. After I hang up I turn to Kattis and say, “They want me to stay here with you.”

She licks her pale lips and looks at me. “Siri, my legs are stuck, I didn’t have a heart attack. It’s okay. I feel okay.”

I take off my coat, lean in through the broken window, and spread it over her like a blanket.

“Go look for her,” Kattis says. “I’ll be sitting right here. According to the GPS, the house is just right down there.”

I’m wary, but Kattis looks calm.

“Hey, I have a cell phone,” she says. “I’ll just call you if I need to. It’s cool.”

*   *   *

I trudge through the silent woods. All I hear is the wind, which has picked up speed, the creaking of the snow under my thin soles, and my own breathing. The tall, dense evergreen trees all around me stretch toward the night sky. My feet aren’t even cold anymore, they’re numb, and I can’t feel the ground.

The house is surrounded by thick vegetation. I can’t see what’s growing under all the snow, but I can tell that the yard hasn’t been taken care of in years.

As I approach, I see that there are a lot of things besides just plants in the yard. There are a couple of old junk cars over to the right, buried under the snow, like cadavers someone dragged home. There’s a pile of car tires next to that. To my left I can make out the outlines of an overturned shopping cart. Just the little wheels are sticking up out of the snow. In front of the steps there’s a snowy mound, which I quickly realize is actually a tarp covering something else, maybe firewood or more junk. The stairs are littered with broken washing machines, microwaves, and bicycle wheels. An old, broken ladder is leaning against the front of the house.

The house itself is made of brick and looks like it was built sometime in the fifties. Warm light shines out of the downstairs windows, painting golden shapes on the snow in front of me.

Everything is silent.

The snow falls down around me, burying the yard’s sad collection of dead appliances and retired cars. With trembling fingers I clear the snow away from something that looks like an old mangle, and sit down on it to catch my breath. It’s awfully cold. I wish someone were with me: Aina, Markus, Vijay, Hillevi.

For some reason, I fixate on Hillevi. Her calm self-confidence would have been a big help out here in the woods.

Then I hear something in the darkness behind me. It sounds like an empty metal bucket plopping onto the ground. A hollow sound. I turn around, squinting into the darkness, but all I see are the snowflakes dancing around in the night. Is it possible that I’m not alone here? Could it be Tobias? But there aren’t any footprints in the snow around the house. And Tobias is in Göteborg, far from here.

After a moment’s hesitation, I decide to walk the last little bit up to the house, sneaking along the walls. I peek into the lighted windows. I think about how easy it is to look in from out here, whereas I can’t be seen from inside.

I’m looking into the kitchen. The counters are covered with pots, pans, and bowls. There are dirty dishes strewn everywhere. Old pizza boxes left on the yellow-and-white checkered linoleum floor. There’s no sign of life. The house seems deserted. I walk toward the front door, sneak up the steps, and grab the handle. The door swings open easily.

The front hall is dark and filled with boxes of magazines. I recognize the smell of cigarette smoke and something else: food, oil, coffee, and that unwashed, old-person smell, a smell that turns my stomach and evokes long, drawn-out dinners at the home of my father’s old, unmarried aunt. The smell of pot roast with anchovies and gravy, cucumber salad, almond biscotti, and then that musty smell of my great-aunt’s unwashed-old-lady body and the fetid grime all around her house.

There’s a cheese grater on the floor just inside the door and a pair of women’s rubber boots. I bend over to take a closer look at them, but before I manage to grab the boot, a shape rushes toward me. It takes a second before I realize it’s a dog, a fat, old golden retriever. The dog seems happy to see me, bouncing around my legs and licking my hands as if we were old friends.

My legs are trembling as I cautiously make my way through the front hall. The doorway to the right opens into the dining room. All the surfaces are covered with food wrappers and newspapers, but for some reason everything is stacked very neatly in piles as if the person living here actually tried to create some sense of order amid the chaos.

Suddenly there’s a shrill sound, like a child blowing on a recorder. My heart pounds harder and my numb legs go weak.

Little tiny figures jump out of an old-fashioned cuckoo clock hanging on the wall over the dining table, announcing that it is six o’clock. I exhale, feel the nausea permeating my body, turn around, and exit the dining room.

The other side of the entry hall opens onto a living room. The doorway is almost completely blocked with stuff—old skis, fishing rods, a welding mask, crates of empty soda bottles with names I recognize from my childhood: Trocadero, Sockerdricka, Pommac. I slowly make my way into the room, trip over some kind of shrink-wrapped packages that are lying in piles on the floor. I grab hold of a curtain to keep from falling. The fabric releases a cloud of dust, filling the air around me, making it gritty and hard to breathe. I cough, feeling my windpipe contract.

The room is filled with dark, heavy, ornate furniture. Chairs are stacked on top of tables. Hanging on the walls are reproductions of landscapes, crying children, and sailboats. Mustard-yellow velvet curtains cover all the windows, making it impossible for me to see out.

I hear the dog trailing behind me, its claws clicking against the worn wooden floorboards. There are no signs of a child anywhere. I feel stupid and begin to question why I’m here. This is all so pointless; Tilda isn’t even here.

When the blow comes, I am completely unprepared. The pain is acute and sharp, and I see stars. I feel strong arms lifting me from behind and a big hand covers my mouth. I smell aftershave mixed with sweat. I try to turn my head and I catch a glimpse of dark hair and pimply skin.

Tobias.

“So you came after all, you goddamn whore,” he hisses in my ear.

“Tilda,” I mumble.

“The kid? You want to see the kid?” he says.

I try to nod.

“Lucky for you she’s still here. Sure, you can see the kid. Of course.”

He starts dragging me back out into the entry hall, past the piles of newspapers and the stacked-up furniture. I try to put my feet down, try to walk on my own, but he hits me again, and I quit struggling against him. A sudden shove makes me lose my balance and I fall headfirst onto the floor. I feel a kick in my side, a very light, almost slightly lazy kick, but still hard enough to make me jump. I think of Susanne, remember her mangled face.

Behind me I hear the creaking sound of rusty hinges and suddenly I’m
jerked up again. Tobias pulls me up off the floor and shoves me through a doorway.

“She’s up there. In the closet.”

I hesitate for a moment, but I decide that he’s telling the truth. I believe that Tilda is up there.

“Well, go in, for God’s sake,” he orders, shoving me again toward a set of rickety wooden stairs. I stumble forward in the darkness as I hear the door behind me being shut, followed by a clink.

*   *   *

Darkness.

I feel my way up the stairs to the attic. I hold my hands out in front of me and feel some kind of cord that runs, snakelike, farther into the space. I take a few hesitant steps across the wooden floor, and it creaks under my weight. Outside the wind races around the corners of the house. I’m forced to step over soft piles of something. Clothes, maybe? Or old newspapers?

Then I feel something else. The cord ends at a little round object, a light-bulb. That means that there must be a switch somewhere. Slowly I back out the way I came, following the cord, stepping carefully over the piles on the floor. I smell mildew and dust.

Then I find the switch.

It makes a snapping sound as I flip it on and suddenly the attic is bathed in light.

And that’s when I see her.

Propped up against the wall like a rag doll, between two old suitcases, a woman in her sixties is slumped over. Her face is swollen and covered with bruises. Her fingers are curled up like claws, frozen in an unnatural position. Her coat is stained and dusty, as if someone has dragged her across the floor. She isn’t wearing any shoes, just a gray knitted sock on one foot.

Instinctively, I scream and take a step back, bump into something, and fall backward into a soft pile of newspapers and old clothes.

Dust flies around me, making me cough.

Still, I can’t stop looking at her. There’s something hypnotic about her; I realize that she’s dead.

I force myself to stop looking at her so I can scope out the room.

The space is smaller than I’d thought and I’m guessing I must be right
under the ridge of the roof. There are old parkas, jeans, and stacks of newspapers all over the floor. I squat by a stack of newspapers from 1989. Next to that there are other newspapers, all from 1989, yellowed bundles that testify to what happened that year. I look at the one on top: March 14, “Kerstin Ekman and Lars Gyllensten Leave Swedish Academy in Protest.” I pick up the newspaper. The paper is hard, the pages all stuck together as if it’s been lying in water. Beneath it there’s another paper: March 25, 1989, “No More Clues in Disappearance of Helén Nilsson, Age 10” and “Oil Catastrophe in Alaska.”

With difficulty, I get up and look around. At one end of the long narrow room there’s a dusty little window, and at the other end, a door.

The closet.

I carefully make my way over to the door, trudging through all the junk. I walk in a wide circle around the dead woman; I don’t want to risk knocking her over, don’t want to accidentally end up being touched by those clawlike hands, that cold skin.

“Tilda, are you in there?”

I knock so hard on the rough wooden door that I end up with splinters in my hands.

No one answers. No little girl’s voice calls back to me.

The door has a lock but no handle. I feel my way around the edges of it until I find a crack big enough to slip my fingers in. Then I pull as hard as I can, brace myself against the wall with my foot and the door flies wide open with a sigh.

And there she sits.

She looks skinnier than in the papers. Her arm is hanging awkwardly from a rope over her head. Her face is dirty, but I can clearly see those big, dark eyes, which blink up at me with total confusion in the sudden light. The faint odor of urine fills the tiny space. There’s a dirty blanket and some empty waxed-paper baking cups.