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“How? Sad. Shocked. Like the rest of us.” He took a deep breath. “It was a long time ago.”

“Nothing odd then? Just the usual grief stuff?” I winced internally at my choice of words. Sometimes, I had no tact. At some point my curiosity was going to come off as rude and offensive. I wished Matthew were there to help me. He'd know how to go about this. But that would mean I'd have to tell them what I was up to. Which would also mean explaining a lot of things I wasn't ready for. I quickly added, “I don't want to offend my dad in some way.”

“It was a hard time for all of us.” He paused. Was he thinking back, or had I gone too far? “But... there was that thing at Mrs. Conner's house. It was weird and not like John at all.”

I leaned forward and propped an elbow on my desk. “What happened?”

“It was at the wake. Danny's mom and John were in the kitchen alone when I heard John yell at her. She'd just lost her only kid, and he was screaming at her. Odd, you know. He was usually so diplomatic. Phil and I went to see what was going on. John was carrying on about a journal that Danny kept. He wanted it, but Danny's mom said she was keeping it. He screamed at her again, saying that Danny would want him to have it. Then he saw us, and that shut him up. He stood there for another minute, breathing heavy, more pissed than I'd ever seen him. Then he stormed out the back door. Phil followed him out with a pack of smokes in hand. Phil always knew how to handle the emotional shit better than I did so I left them alone.”

“Did you ask Phil what happened? Why my father argued over the journal?”

“Nah. Never came up again. John was subdued after that. Quiet. Shocked. Like we all were. That night we got pretty wasted, but it was a quiet night. Toasts for Danny and all that. A few laughs about old times. Maria talked most, telling stories of the better days. It was the last time we were all together like that. Until John's wedding.”

“And the wedding was the last time you all saw one another?”

“Yeah. As far as I know. Maybe Phil and John were in contact, but I doubt it. Why all the questions? This really about a DVD?”

“Yeah. Plus, I'm curious. My dad never talked about Danny.”

“I haven't either. I kinda feel like a shit for that. He was a good kid, and I never give him much thought. It was just... easier. But he deserved better than that. His mother's probably the only person that remembers him, thinks about him.”

He was right. Danny Conner deserved better than the ending he got.

Vance sighed. “Hell, I don't even know if she's still alive. Probably not, huh?”

“Maybe she is. One more question.”

“Sure.”

“Maria says you knew about Danny's coke problem.”

“I wouldn't call it a problem. Jesus. Maria always did worry too damn much. But... yeah, I knew. Listen, I didn't know it had gone that far or I would have said something. I would have tried to stop him. He was just depressed sometimes. He was shy as hell and he had a hard time getting girls to notice him. He was a cute kid, so I never got the why of that. The coke helped him relax. When we got to partying, sometimes he'd do a line or two. He never tried to push it on the rest of us and he seemed to be able to put it down without much trouble.”

“Did my father know about Danny using?”

“He had to. We didn't talk about it, but we all knew. Danny had that old watch with him all the time. The case had a flip thingy on the back where he kept the coke.” His voice was quiet when he spoke again. “I've been thinking about him a lot since your visit. Wasn't sure I'd like to, but it's been... nice, remembering back on the good times. I think adding his photo's a good idea.”

“Yeah. I guess I'll do that.”

“You got pictures of Danny, then?”

“Maria has some. She's going to send them to me as soon as she tracks them down.”

“Oh. Could you, maybe, send me a copy?”

“Sure.”

“Thanks. Someone should remember him, huh?”

I opened the front door just after midnight and heard Matthew's purrs and hums and Richard's encouraging words.

“Yes, Matthew, yes. Kid!”

I smirked as I stamped the snow off my shoes and shrugged my coat off. I was just about to head into the living room when a large brown envelope on the hall table caught my eye. It was addressed to me. From Maria Lammon. I wanted to open it, but the moans and grunts were calling to me. I slipped the envelope into my laptop bag and headed in.

They were on the couch with Matthew riding Richard's lap, their bodies crashing together, but both men still dressed and following the rules.

“I spent the night slaving away, and you two get started without me?”

Richard's voice was tight. “Luke, need you. Get over here.”

I stripped and made my way to them. Richard worked to get himself and Matthew undressed. I knelt by the couch, and Richard kissed me over Matthew's shoulder, his tongue getting me as ready as they were.

“The party was good, huh?” I whispered in Matthew's ear.

“Yeah, Luke. You should've seen him. All business. Strong. Confident. Sexy as hell.”

“He is pretty damn hot.”

“Me?” Richard scoffed.

“Yeah,” Matthew said in a low purr. “Your body is unbelievable.”

“You're good for my ego.”

“He's good for both of us,” I said.

Matthew faced me. The surprised look turned grateful as he planted a kiss on my lips. I brought my body close to his and savored the joining of skin on skin and the buildup of arousal.

I reached for a condom, rolled it on Richard, and spread lube over him. I didn't want to let him go, but Matthew was ready. He'd come any moment if I so much as touched his dick.

I moved my hand out of the way, and he sank onto Richard. I slicked my shaft and shoved it into the tight grip of my own hand. I couldn't have stopped myself if I'd wanted to. Not with the way Matthew moved. I timed my movements with the slap of his body onto Richard, my eyes glued to them.

I almost came when Matthew spoke, his voice lower than I'd ever heard. Not his usual cries of pleasure. It was as if he had something to say and he wasn't going to let a moment of sexual release get in the way.

“Richard. Luke. So good to me. So good. Never felt like this. Not about anyone. Ever.”

Richard groaned. His body jerked and bucked off the couch as he slammed inside Matthew one last time. The movements sent Matthew and me over with him.

I slumped onto the floor, my forehead pressing into the couch, my chest heaving. When I could move, I crawled onto the couch next to them.

Matthew had his head buried in the big man's neck. Richard stroked his back with a slow, soothing hand. “You okay, Matthew?”

“Yeah.”

“What you said... that was... it meant a lot to me. You have no idea what it meant.”

“Yeah?”

“Oh, yeah. I've been in a few relationships in my life, but I don't think I've ever felt this much, this fast. Not for anyone. Not as I have for you. Both of you.”

I didn't think. I kissed Richard and landed a soft peck on Matthew's shoulder. “Me too.”

Matthew sighed.

We sat in silence for a few minutes. I was grateful. I couldn't wrap my head around anything we'd said. I didn't want to have to explain more to either of them.

Not until I could explain it to myself.

“Damn, is that all you do is work?” Matthew asked.

I saved the opened file and closed my laptop lid. “Actually, I haven't been working as much as I used to.”

“Really?” He flopped onto the couch beside me. “I've never been that focused about anything. Not anything I should've been focused on. Probably why I had such problems in college.”

“You seem focused when you're cooking. You seem to like it.”

“I have been enjoying it. I never knew it'd be something I'd like to do. Never had a reason to before. My mom always cooked, and when she wasn't home, it seemed like a lot of work for just me.”

“I usually made a frozen pizza or brought home takeout.” I set the laptop on the coffee table and faced him. “Did you have a nice time at your mom's?”

“I did. She liked the necklace I got her. I wish you had come with me. You shouldn't work on Christmas.”

“I had lunch with Walter earlier. I thought you hadn't told your mom about us yet— that there's three of us.”

“I haven't. I don't mean to keep things from her. It's different. Not sure what she'll think.”

“But she knows you're living with Richard?”

“Yeah. She wants to meet him and see where I'm staying. I told her he's a friend helping me out, that his place is closer to work. I don't think she bought it.”

“They say moms know the truth even when their kids try to hide it.” My own mother had been clueless about so many things. Maybe she had never been a mother at all.

“It's weird staying here without him. It's not... ” Matthew took a deep breath. “I miss him.” His eyes scanned the room. They settled on the lighthouse painting over the fireplace. He bit his lower lip. “I'm glad he got to go see his folks, but I can't believe he spent all that money to fly to New York for one day.”

“There aren't many people I'd do that for.” I couldn't think of one, except maybe—"Can I ask you a personal question?”

“Sure.”

“What happened in college?”

“Oh... hey, it's cold in here.” He jumped off the couch and fiddled with the thermostat in the hall. He crossed the room without looking at me and sat again.

I shouldn't have asked. I had no experience broaching personal subjects. Apparently, I sucked at it. “You don't have to talk about it. I didn't mean to push.”

“No, I want to. I don't have anything to hide from you. Or Richard.” Matthew lifted his legs. He settled his feet on the couch, his knees to his chest. He folded his arms around his legs and rested his chin on his kneecaps. “I was never the greatest student in high school. I didn't pay attention to my grades. It was tough being the out gay kid.”

“I get that. Figuring out I was gay consumed a lot of my focus in high school.”

Matthew nodded. “But when I got to college, I studied. I was doing well. Then I met someone. He wanted me to spend a lot of my time at his place. I skipped class. I never studied. I even stopped eating. He didn't notice or care. He wanted me to be there for what he needed. It was messed up.”

He let out a heavy sigh. “It sounds bad when I say it out loud, but it wasn't the worst part. I flunked out of school. I had to move out of the dorm, take a semester off before I could start classes again. I didn't want to go home to my mom's. I wanted to stay with Jake. He said I could move in with him, so I did. My mom was furious. She'd never met him and she knew something was wrong. I was thin, and I didn't smile or laugh anymore.”

Matthew without a smile or his laugh churned my stomach. I was glad I hadn't seen him like that. Yet, a part of me wished I'd been there for him. Not as a lover, but as a friend.

He turned his head in my direction and rested his cheek on his knee. “I stopped going to see her. I didn't want to hear anyone tell me he wasn't healthy for me. Then Jake started going out a lot without me. He was still in school, and I worked at a grocery store, trying to make enough money to live on. He had new friends and was losing interest in me. One night when he asked me to go with him to a party, I pulled out all the stops, trying to get him to stay with me, to want me. It was desperate and pathetic, but at the time, I wasn't thinking clearly. Then the college party became a drug-induced orgy. Jake put a line of coke in front of me and asked me to join him in bed with three other guys.”

Matthew stared at the opposite wall, an empty look in his eyes. “I did it. All of it. Before then, the worst drug I'd ever tried was a joint, and I only did that once. The cocaine hit me hard, and with all the shots they were pouring down my throat, I was a mess. They did a lot of shit to me. Most of it I don't remember. I just know what Jake told me later. I don't have an issue hooking up with men I don't know.” Matthew gave me a smile. Nothing near the grin he usually flashed me. “But going along with the drugs and alcohol, losing control like that, just wasn't me.” He shook his head. “I put myself at risk to please him. I had no idea if they used condoms or not. Jake said they did, but I got tested at the free clinic like once a month for the next two years. I was kinda freaked.”

“Shit, Matthew. I'm sorry.” I wanted to kill this motherfucker named Jake.

He shrugged. “I'm okay. I mean it's been four years. It isn't a big deal. I know people who've gotten into more trouble. It just wasn't my finest hour. Losing myself. Falling so hard, I didn't even know how to be me anymore. I moved out the next day and went home to my mom's. She kept hugging me and stuffing food in my mouth.” He laughed.

It was almost a giggle. Almost.

“Two months later, I joined the club. I felt safe at the Haven. The men there are serious about playing safe and not doing stuff their partners don't want done. And there's never any drugs on site. I haven't had sex with anyone but club members since.”

“It sounds like you made smart choices once you got out.”

He met my stare and grinned. “Thanks. One of the first things I liked about Richard was when he asked us what we wanted in bed.”

“God, I love that. It drives me crazy every single time.”

“Uh-huh.” Matthew let go of his legs and turned. He dropped his feet to the floor. “It's like he wants to please us so much he doesn't bother with assumptions. He wants to know what will make us come harder than anything else. He can be controlling— which I also love— but he always wants to give us what we need.”

I hooked an arm over the back of the couch. “When we're fucking, he takes me to places where I feel relaxed. Alive.”

“Yeah.” Matthew laid a palm on the cushion between us. “He always works to make it so damn good, but it's combined with care.”

“Right from the beginning, I've loved watching you two. He touches you with a gentleness I don't have a clue how to show.” I'd lost the ability to keep my thoughts from spilling out. Matthew did that to me.

“You do, Luke. The two of you can fuck me senseless, but at the same time, I've never felt more secure, more cared for than when I'm with him. Or you.”