More Than Lies (24 page)

“It wasn’t so bad.” I roll my head toward Trent. We just left our parents’ house from having Christmas dinner with them. Now he’s driving us to Kylie’s parents’ house a few blocks over to pick up his girlfriend and best friend. Shane’s parents’ house is directly across the street, so it’s convenient.

A guy that my brother was friends with in high school still lives in Tupelo and invited him to a party. So that’s where we’ll be heading shortly.

“Not for you! You’re the adored one.” Dinner was hell. Any amount of time spent in my mother’s presence is torture.

Taralynn, don’t slouch. Taralynn, you really shouldn’t be eating bread. Taralynn, I’m talking to your father, do not interrupt. Taralynn, have you returned Preston’s calls? Taralynn, stop slouching. For heaven’s sake, stop making me repeat myself.

Oh, for the lord, I wish she knew what it felt like to carry around the weight of my boobs. She’d slouch too. It’s not that I don’t appreciate what God gave me. I do, and normally I like my large breasts, but sometimes they are a pain in the butt causing lots of pain in my back and shoulders.

“Adored? Really, sis?” He chuckles and I know he’s hoping that I’d drop the sentiment. He and I both know our mother dotes on him and always have. I also know that it’s something Trent hates. Not because he doesn’t love our mother, he does, but he doesn’t like that she treats us both differently. Deep down, I think Trent fears it’ll eventually cause a rift between the two of us. It won’t, of course. I love my brother, look up to him in fact. He’s the one person in my family I don’t think I could live without. I certainly wouldn’t want to.

“Yeah, really.” It’s Christmas. I don’t want to put him in a foul mood. “I’m sorry.” I draw out. “I shouldn’t have said it like that. I just don’t get her. What did I ever do to piss her off so bad that she hates me?”

“She doesn’t hate you.” I roll my eyes not believing him for a second. I doubt he even believes that statement. “Look, let’s forget about Mom and Dad for the night, okay?”

“Yeah, okay.”

“So have you thought anymore about moving down to Jackson?” Trent takes his eyes off the road for a moment to show me is award winning, you’re going to agree to what I want and you know it, smile.

“Not really.” I deadpan. This is not a topic I want to discuss. I have thought about it. I should want to move and get away from home, from Oxford, my parents, but I don’t, not really. My parents, yes, absolutely, but…

Even I don’t want to admit it inside my own head.

“And why not? You graduate in six months.” He sound exasperated.

“Don’t start with that crap, Trent. I heard it from Mother last week.” Now I’m the one that’s annoyed.

“I’m not Mom and I’m not giving you an ultimatum. I’m not asking you to give up your dreams. You can write anywhere.” Trent was more than pissed when I told him about my brunch with our mother. He wanted to call her, but I begged him not to. I knew and so did he, confronting her would only make things worse between us so he agreed to let it go. “You can’t live there forever, Taralynn.”

Great. He’s going to bring up Shawn.

“I realize that. Can’t we just forget about this conversation and enjoy tonight?” Jeez, what with him? He’s not usually all up in my crap.

“Look, I know how you feel about him, but,” Trent pauses as if searching for the right words so he won’t tick me off. Probably smart on his part. “Maybe leaving for a while would be good for the two of you. Show him what’s he’s missing.”

“HA!”I laugh out loud. I can’t help myself. “The only thing Shawn Braden will miss when I leave is my cooking. You and I both know that. I’m not stupid, Trent. I know he doesn’t like me the same way I like him.” God, I’m so over this conversation.

He’s driving at a snail’s pace. We should have arrived already. Kylie’s parents’ house is less than a mile from our parents’ house.

“I don’t know if I believe that.” He chimes. “I don’t think I’ve ever believed that. When he thinks no one is watching, he stares at you. Shawn always has. I think you confuse him. I also think that he thinks he’s supposed to want a certain type of girl and won’t allow himself to be with anyone different. Shawn doesn’t take chances if you haven’t noticed.”

“You’re wrong, Trent. He just bought a business; one that will be challenging for him to run. That place needs a lot of work. If that isn’t taking a huge chance, a risk, then I don’t know what it.”

“I’m not talking about taking a chance with his brain, I’m talking about his heart, Taralynn.” I start to refute his statement, but he doesn’t give me the opportunity. “I just want my little sister to be happy. If he can one day make you happy, then that’s what I want for you. I want you to experience what I have with Kylie. I can’t describe it. There are no words. She completes me and I know deep down that the moment she becomes my wife, I’ll never want for anything again. You deserve that, too.”

Wow. I can’t lie. I do want that. I want that and more, but I also know Shawn isn’t going to be the man to give it to me. I would love nothing more than for him to, but I can’t realistically believe it’ll ever happen.

“Trent, I love you and I love that you love me so much that you want that for me too. I do want it. You know me and you know I do, but it won’t be with Shawn Braden. As much as it sucks, as much as I pretend it doesn’t hurt, he’s made it perfectly clear on more than one occasion that he doesn’t want me. Not now and not ever. Just forget about it, okay? I’m tired of dreaming unrealistic dreams.”

“I think you’re wrong, little sis.”

I need to change the subject.

“So when is this wedding going to take place because you’ve been engaged for three years?”

“It’ll happen. Once we finish our residency and get settled somewhere, Florida I hope, it’ll happen.”

“And then?” I can’t contain the excitement in my voice.

“Then what?” He takes his eyes off the road for a brief second to glance over in my direction. “You be coming to live with us is about as far as my future plans go right now.”

“Kylie wants a baby. I know she does. She loves kids.” She still reminisces that Mason made the most perfect baby doll ever when she was a little kid. I can see that having a real life baby to play with versus a plastic one would have been way cooler.

“Then she’ll get a kid. She can have as many ankle biters as she wants, when we get married.”

“But do you want a baby?”

“Sure why not.”

“You don’t sound very convincing there, daddy-o.”

“I’m not opposed to having a kid. I don’t have a desire to have one. For Kylie, she’s looking at motherhood as another step in completing herself; to fulfill something inside of her. I guess…I guess I already feel as though I got that fulfillment with you.”

“I’m sorry.” Dang, was I that much of a burden for him?

“No, Taralynn, don’t say that. I’m not sorry. You’re taking that wrong.” He removes one of his hands from the steering wheel to grasp onto mine and squeeze. “When they brought you home, you were the coolest thing I ever saw. Any opportunity I got, I’d feed you and it was fun because you never threw up on me like you did with everyone else. And I could talk to you for hours. Did you know, my name was the first real word out of your mouth? You have no idea how neat that was.” He releases my hand to grab onto the wheel as he pulls into the Morgan’s driveway. “I don’t know, I don’t have a desire for a kid like she does, but if it’s what she wants then it’ll be what she gets.”

Kylie is one lucky woman.

If I find someone that treats me half as good as my brother treats her, then I’d consider that a score, but Trent is a rare find.

The four of us arrive at Weston’s house half an hour later. Kylie wasn’t quite finished getting ready so we had to wait on her for ten minutes.

When we get inside, Trent quickly introduces me to his old buddy from high school. I vaguely remember the guy. Pretty sure he was on the soccer team with Trent, but he isn’t looking so fit and trim now. Tonight he’s sporting a beer belly underneath his polo shirt.

Trent hands me a bottle of Corona that I gladly take from him. The cap has already been removed and a lime wedge has been shoved inside making it perfect. I take a sip.

“I’m going to head out back with Ky, come with and hang out with us.”

“Mason’s over there.” I point toward the television where Mason’s and few other guys are standing around talking and probably watching some sporting event. The TV is blocked from my view so I don’t know what’s on. “I’m going to walk over there and talk for a few, but I’ll come out in a bit, okay?”

“You sure about that, sis?”

“Yeah, Trent, of course, I’ll be out there soon. You know I want to soak up as much time with you before you head home.” He raises an eyebrow. What? I’m not lying. I do want to spend time with him. I don’t see my brother near enough.

“Not what I mean. Your mouth might have said Mason, but your eyes were on Shawn.” I turn away. He’s right, but I didn’t think I was being obvious about it. “Look, until he’s ready to man up, there is no sense in touring yourself by watching him hit on some random slut.”

“How do you know she’s a slut? Aren’t you being judgmental?”

“Is the Pope Catholic?” I say nothing. “Okay, then. Look, go hang with Mase then come join me outback. I just want you to have fun and maybe be selfish at the same time where you’re having fun with me.” He makes me smile. I roll my eyes, but I’m not annoyed and he knows it.

“I’ll be out there in a little while. Go hang with your friends.”

He walks off and I swallow down more of my beer. I must be glutton for punishment by standing here and watching Shawn Braden lay the moves on another woman. He’s leaning against a wall in the living room. The teeny tiny female standing in front of him, well she looks like a little girl in his presence. Is she even over five feet tall? Surely he would crush her. Not that she seems to be weighing that as a con. She clearly wants him. Her front his pressed against his and her arms are wrapped around his waist. The strain in her neck has to be killing her by the way her head is leaned as far back on her shoulders as they will possibly go just so she can see his face.

I am not jealous.

I proceed to drain the liquid from my bottle in one long swallow without breaking my eyes from the other side of the room.

As if feeling someone’s eyes on him, Shawn looks up from little miss hoochie. His eyes lock with mine and I know I’ve been caught. I don’t look away though. I’m done pretending, acting as though I don’t have strong feelings for him when he and everyone else know I do. I’m done lying to myself that this doesn’t hurt.

I think my brother is right, not about Shawn having feelings for me that he won’t admit, but about me needing to move after graduation. I wonder if distance and time is what I need to forget about him. Can I forget how I feel? If it’s a possibility, shouldn’t I do whatever it takes to try?

Shawn’s eyes turn hard moments before I feel a hand snake around my waist and another beer comes into view in front of me.

“I think that one is finished. I brought you a fresh one.” I smile, wrapping my hand around the bottle and taking it out of Jared’s hand. He takes the empty one from me. Turning, I wrap my free hand and the one holding the beer around his neck for a hug.

“How have I gone over a month without seeing you?” I’ve missed Jared. He can be a good friend when he isn’t trying to bring the subject of “us” up. Don’t get me wrong, Jared is great in bed and I wish I wanted a relationship with him. It would make life easier and cause less pain on my heart, but I can’t force myself to feel something that isn’t there just as I can’t force myself to stop feeling something that is there with Shawn.

Love sucks.

Why is it marketed in all hearts and roses and pretty colors? Lies. All lies. B freakin’ S is what love is.

“Life, baby.” He turns his seductive smile on me and I know he wants something?

“What? Just spill it, Jared Dawson.”

“Can we talk?”

“Sure. What do you want to talk about?”

“Not right here. Let’s go upstairs where it’s quiet.” I raise my eyebrow. I’d say he can’t be serious, but this is Jared. “Not for the reason’s you’re assuming, but I’m not opposed. You know that.” He brings my body flush with his own. “I’ll never be opposed to that, Taralynn.”

I push him backwards, but I already know I’m going with him if he wants to talk away from everyone else. Jared knows that too because he grabs my wrist gently, wrapping his palm around it and pulling me toward the stairs.

I ascend the stairs; following behind him gives me a nice view of his jean-clad rear. It’s a very nice view and you should see it naked. His butt is taut, tan and sculpted to perfection. There have been numerous times I’ve wanted to smack his the way he enjoys hitting mine. I’ve never tried though. Jared brings a wild side out of me, but I’ve never had the guts to really let go.

I long to be with someone that provides me with total comfort that I can just be me. Do the things I think about, write about, and watch on my phone when I’m alone in my bed.

I have this fear, real fear that I’ll never experience that, that I’ll never find that person.