More Than Two: A Practical Guide to Ethical Polyamory (42 page)

Few things are more controversial among poly people than how polyamorous families with children should behave. Parental shaming is rampant in the wider culture. We are immersed in so many messages about what "good parenting" looks like that by the time we get around to having kids, it can be tough to shake off the guilt
no matter what we do.
Mom working outside the home? How can you be so selfish? Not working? You'll never afford a safe town with good schools! Don't want to (or can't) breastfeed? You're ruining your child's chance at a future!
Oh, my God,
is that
non-organic
baby food? Didn't play her music in the womb? Didn't read to her for an hour a day from birth? There are a million ways for parents to "fail," and parents are measuring themselves and others against every one of them. If we don't get it right, our kids will grow up to be drug addicts, incapable of intimacy, unemployed and homeless, or maybe they'll just miss their chance at that Nobel Prize—and it's
all our fault.

Well, polyamorous parents get shamed from all sides, mono and poly. Parent-shaming is the next cultural narrative you have to confront after slut-shaming. Under these circumstances, creating healthy, ethical, egalitarian relationships when you have children can be especially tricky.

Our monogamous friends tell us that when we have kids, we'll settle down—grow out of this whole "poly" thing. Our poly friends tell us that egalitarian poly relationships are impossible with children, because without a hierarchical structure, no one would look after the children's needs. Everyone tells us that good parents always put their kids first. But what that means is very culturally specific. Everyone thinks they know what's best for kids, and damn near everyone is ready with judgment and blame when the parents they know (truthfully: usually the mothers) fail to meet their expectations. Add the fact that poly people are in a PR war in which we're putting our happiest, most stable and photogenic poly families out in front, and that gives poly parents just one more thing to measure up against.

In her 2013 book
Lean In,
Facebook CEO Sheryl Sandberg discusses
parental shaming
, unrealistic expectations of mothers, and research concerning child care responsibilities and child well-being. The research she cites shows that stay-at-home parenting is not the only healthy way, or even the best way, to raise children. Some data even suggest that kids do better
without
parents who are dedicated to filling their every need 24/7. Very young children, of course, may need 24/7
caregivers,
but these do not have to be parents. In fact, children benefit from being able to attach to adults other than their parents (often grandparents, aunts, uncles or a close friend of the family), and they often benefit from group settings such as day care. As Sandberg says, "
Guilt management
can be just as important as time management for mothers."

Are you okay with the idea of raising your kids in a family that doesn't meet the societal script of a romantic dyad? Do you believe you can still do right by your kids if you end up raising them in a home with one or three or more parents—something that looks different from what you expected? Or will you feel you have "failed" your children? If you are going to live in fear every time your partner is away with another partner because you believe that if you can't maintain a "primary" romantic dyad you'll somehow be harming your children, then you might want to reconsider whether this is the best time for you to make the leap into polyamory.

Children certainly do complicate time management. Young children especially require huge time commitments from parents. It's essential to be realistic about how much time you have available to invest in romantic relationships, including with your co-parent, and whether that time is enough to allow you to treat another partner well—especially if a relationship becomes serious. (And making a rule that a relationship can't become serious will likely lead to problems, as we discuss in chapters 10 and 11, on rules and hierarchies.) If you or your co-parent are extremely fearful of the loss of time for your children that another relationship might represent, again it is worth considering whether polyamory is a good choice for you at this stage in life.

One final thing to consider is the situation of new parents. Many thoughtful people try to space out new relationships, allowing time for each to become secure and established and aiming to understand the impact it will have on their lives, before being open to another one. A new baby is also a new relationship. And given the emotional upheaval, life changes and sleep deprivation that come with having a new baby, this is an especially good time to be cautious when deciding whether you are available for new connections. In fact, many established relationships, both mono and poly, end due to the stress brought on by the birth of a child. Remember: Whatever your reasons, if the circumstances of your life do not allow you to treat multiple partners ethically, then it is not ethical to seek them. Many people say that a new baby makes it hard or impossible for them to treat new partners with compassion. If that's the case for you, it's not a good time to start new relationships.

WHAT ABOUT MARRIAGE?

Poly relationships may be live-in or separate, local or long-distance, sexual or nonsexual, entwined for life or autonomous, open or closed, shared or networked or entirely independent. Given that, some people ask, "Why would a polyamorous person even bother to get married?" But many people are polyamorous and married, for all sorts of reasons.

Eve and Peter have been married for four years, together for more than fourteen. On their wedding day, they had been living polyamorously for two years. His two other partners—and their partners—attended the wedding. On the whole, it's not Eve's monogamous friends who are puzzled by her marriage; it's her poly friends. "Why get married if you're not going to spend your life with one person? Isn't marriage a remnant of couple privilege or an archaic approach to relationships? Isn't it about ownership?"

EVE'S STORY
When we decided to get married, Peter and I had been together for about nine years. My relationship with Ray had forced a major re-evaluation of my life with Peter, and in the course of that, we came to the realization that the future we were building together was lifelong, and we wanted it to stay that way. And watching Peter's father take care of my mother-in-law, severely disabled from a recent stroke, drove home the importance of having people in your life who are deeply committed to you, people you know you can always rely on no matter what.

We were married a year later. These were the vows we spoke:

In the presence of the Light and in the love of family and friends I take thee to be my beloved, promising to be a loving and faithful partner. I ask you to be none other than yourself. I promise to cherish and delight in your spirit and individuality, to face life's challenges with patience and humor, to celebrate our differences, and to nurture our growth. I make this commitment in love, keep it in faith, live it in hope, and make it eternally new.

So if we aren't monogamous, and we aren't sexual, what does it mean for me to be married to Peter? It means I've tied my life to his. It's not just financial, though that's a big part of it: we are creating one financial future together, built on pooled resources that we share equally. We also know that we'll always be there for each other, and that our lives are tied in parallel if not identical trajectories. Whatever happens to one of us, the other is in it with them. Each of us will take care of the other if they can't take care of themselves. In making our choices, we have to take the other person into account—even if we don't always put their needs first. And each of us has a responsibility to the other to help them reach their full potential, realize their dreams, through support and even a little pushing when needed. We don't share one life, but the path of my life proceeds in cycles that are tied to the cycles of Peter's, and his to mine. And whatever we might have to face in our lives, we have someone to face it with.

Plenty of polyamorous people choose to marry, though their marriages lack the pledge of sexual exclusivity that is a hallmark of traditional marriages. They do so for the same reasons monogamous people get married: for someone to build a life with, to build wealth with, to raise children with, to grow old with. Polyamory does offer a great deal more flexibility in how you structure a marriage, what elements you make a part of it. For example, it need not include sex or children, shared finances, or even living together. A marriage is a commitment between two—or in the case of poly sometimes more than two—people. What that commitment includes is up to them.

FRANKLIN'S STORY
A few years after I moved to Portland, Vera and I had a commitment ceremony attended by fifty or sixty of our friends and family. Vera is already legally married to her husband, Charles, who attended the ceremony. During our ceremony, I exchanged rings with Vera, to symbolize the shared life we were building together.

I exchanged rings with Amber when she moved away to attend grad school. The rings were symbols of the fact that we have committed to being one another's family, however far apart we may be and whatever our relationship may look like. So I now wear two wedding rings.

Vera and I wanted a formal commitment ceremony because we had been living together for some time and wanted to recognize the life we were building together. We called our ceremony a "complicity," because it was a pledge from each of us to be complicit in one another's lives—to adventure together, plan together, jointly aid one another and encourage each other in our endeavors. (The name "complicity" was chosen as a playful suggestion that we work together to achieve dubious deeds.)

The recognition of our community is an important part of why we chose to have a commitment ceremony. Just as in traditional relationships, we in poly relationships value recognition of our partnerships, and for many of the same reasons.

When I had been married previously, Celeste identified as monogamous; for eighteen years we were in a mono/poly relationship—a relationship between a polyamorous person and a monogamous person. An important distinction between my relationships with Amber and Vera and my marriage with Celeste is that the solemnizing of my relationships with Amber and Vera in no way serves to place these relationships ahead of any other. Celeste had wanted a partnership in which her needs always superseded those of others, something that ultimately contributed to its end. I am open to commitment ceremonies, possibly including legal marriage, with other partners, without having these commitments impose obstacles or limits on any other relationships I have or may start.

A marriage is also, often, a public celebration of the commitment. People who have been in a relationship for a long time and are making a serious commitment to each other often want to share their joy in that commitment and declare it to the world, which is another great reason why many poly people do choose to marry.

QUESTIONS TO ASK YOURSELF

Building poly relationships means carefully assessing how we define our commitments and expectations, how we think about partnership, and how we think about the paths our relationships should take. These kinds of relationships also require us to build our commitments with an eye toward making space available for future partners. Here are some questions that can help:

• What are my existing commitments? How much time do they leave for new partners?
  
• When am I open to taking new partners?
  
• What assumptions do I make about commitments in my relationships?
  
• What do I need from my relationships? How often do I re-evaluate my needs?
  
• How do I define "commitment"? Do my definitions leave room for nontraditional commitments and nontraditional relationship trajectories?
  
• How do I leave space for new people to come into my life?