More Weird Things Customers Say in Bookshops (10 page)

CUSTOMER:
I’ve got a list of books for my son’s GCSE English class. Can you check if you have them?

BOOKSELLER:
Sure, what are they?

CUSTOMER
(reading from the list)
: The first one is
Jane Eyre Laid Bare
.

BOOKSELLER:
Erm, I’m pretty sure that he just needs
Jane Eyre
by Charlotte Brontë.

CUSTOMER:
No. That’s not the title written down here. This one’s written by Charlotte Brontë and someone else. I suppose it must be some sort of literary criticism?

BOOKSELLER:
... Erm, well,
Jane Eyre Laid Bare
is erotica – a retelling of the novel.

CUSTOMER:
Oh. That can’t be right. Wait a minute, and I’ll call him.

(Customer phones her son)

CUSTOMER:
Hi David ... yes ... I’m just getting your course books and this woman here is telling me that
Jane Eyre Laid Bare
is some sort of erotic novel. That’s not right, is it? Do you know what she’s talking about?

(Pause)

CUSTOMER
(hissing angrily down the phone)
: What do you mean you thought you’d just read that one instead?

CUSTOMER:
What’s so great about
The Great Gatsby
, anyway? Was he a superhero or something?

MOTHER:
Henry! Stop chewing that book. You don’t know where it’s been.

CHILD:
No!

MOTHER
(rolling her eyes at the bookseller)
: Kids, ey?
(She wanders off and her son continues to chew the book.)

CUSTOMER
(seriously)
: Your window display’s not very friendly. It’s got stuff on ghosts, and haunted houses and poltergeists and everything. Are you trying to scare your customers away?

BOOKSELLER:
... No, sir. It’s Hallowe’en.

(A man runs through the door, out of breath)

MAN:
Hi. My friends and I were playing cricket in the park, and it’s started raining.

(Man looks at bookseller expectantly)

BOOKSELLER:
... ?

MAN
(impatiently)
: Well, I was wondering if we could finish our game in your bookshop?

BOOKSELLER:
... You want to play cricket ... in the bookshop?

MAN:
Yeah!

BOOKSELLER
(glancing around at the tiny shop, crammed full of books)
: Erm, there’s really no room ... at all.

MAN:
Well, we only need one aisle between the shelves, really. And we could always move the bookcases.

BOOKSELLER:
... I’m going to have to say no. It would be dangerous, and I don’t think the other customers would like it.

MAN:
Oh, come on. They could cheerlead or something.

BOOKSELLER:
... No.

MAN:
And you could be the umpire!

BOOKSELLER:
... No.

MAN:
I promise we wouldn’t break too many things.

BOOKSELLER:
... No.

CHILD
(outside bookshop)
: Mummy, can we go inside the bookshop?

MOTHER:
Not now. You’re too young. You can go in when you’re older.

CUSTOMER:
You never read about Middle Earth any more, do you? It’s like no one cares about The Shire these days. Stuff must still happen there but it’s never reported in the news.

CUSTOMER’S FRIEND:
They’re making new movies, aren’t they?

CUSTOMER:
Are they?

CUSTOMER’S FRIEND:
Yeah, but I think it’s like a history. It’s not what’s happening there now. That’s what I heard.

CUSTOMER:
So what’s happening there now?

CUSTOMER’S FRIEND:
I don’t know. Let’s look it up on Wikipedia when we get home.

CUSTOMER:
Good idea.

CUSTOMER:
Do you have any hollowed out books?

BOOKSELLER:
You mean fake books? The kind people use as a safe place?

CUSTOMER:
Yeah. But with stuff already in them.

BOOKSELLER:
No, we don’t.

CUSTOMER:
’Cause people use them to hide all sorts of stuff, don’t they? Drugs ... guns. Do you have a fake book with a gun in it?

BOOKSELLER:
... No.

CUSTOMER:
Oh. Do you know where I could get a gun without the fake book?

BOOKSELLER:
... No, I don’t.