Mosaic (6 page)

I grabbed a pillow and held it over my mouth to muffle my crying. The Jack I left back at Fat Harry’s could just as well have been his brother Will. The closed cruelty and lack of compassion. He’d been gone less than two years. Less than two years, and already he was an exact replica of Will.

I remembered everything he’d said to me the day we parted. He’d needed to come here, needed to learn the business. Lucy was the first one to suggest that wasn’t happening. Brad was the second. But what did any of it mean? And how dare he try to pretend it was somehow my fault or that I had been the one to end things. My mind reeled at the very suggestion.

My face was wet with tears, and I pulled myself up to go and shower. Standing under the warm spray would help me relax, I hoped…

Now I’m here, typing up the whole thing and looking at it on the screen. I was right. It does help seeing it all in black and white, because most of all, I remember how I felt right away—over him.

The second thing I remember is Jack has a family, a sister. I’m not his lifeboat, and I’m certainly not getting on that merry-go-round again. Brad’s here now, and Will is somewhere close. He is not my problem.

I’m not worrying about Jack Kyser anymore.

Anna’s Private Blog: London Calling

Journalism is rapidly taking the place of English in my list of favorite classes. I still love reading stories and breaking them down—even when they’re disgusting roach fantasias like
The Metamorphosis
—but finding real-world applications in books like
Responsible Journalism
is far more fascinating to me now.

Maybe it’s because I’ve seen first-hand the effects of writing and reporting events with my feature on Julian’s art. I’ve also seen the impact of
not
reporting events with his parents and their story. Maybe it’s the fact that writing at the paper has opened doors for me and given me more confidence. It got me here. Whatever the case, all I know is I love it!

My ethics professor Dr. Arati has quickly become my favorite instructor. She’s about my height, 30s, petite and dark with clipped British tones flavoring her Indian accent, and she is always encouraging me.

Today she asked me to wait after class so we could discuss something. I watched as my older classmates gathered their things and made their way to the door.

“Anna, I want you to consider applying for Junior Year Abroad next year.” Dr. Arati’s usually formal voice was tinged with excitement. “I have friends at the BBC World News, and I think an internship there could be a powerful experience for you.”

My jaw literally hit the floor. I was so surprised, I almost couldn’t speak. “Oh, Dr. Arati.” I couldn’t help a laugh. “That would be amazing! The BBC?”

Visions of me in a power suit, straight, professional hair, reading a report on terrorist attacks or international espionage flooded my brain. My old dream of being Christianna Amanpour blinked through my mind. I couldn’t believe it. I couldn’t breathe.

“It’s only radio, but—”

“But how?” As fast as those visions appeared, the price tag cut through them like an evil buzz-kill. “I don’t know if I can afford it.”

“It is an expensive trip, and radio isn’t as lucrative as something like television.” I watched her digging through her file cabinet, lifting out a hanging folder that had glossy pamphlets in it.

She handed one to me that was covered with smiling co-eds holding books and looking very international in front of those lion statues in Trafalgar Square. One of them was a dark-haired male, and another problem flashed in my brain as she continued speaking.

“It’s very competitive, but I’ll write a recommendation for you. You’re a strong writer, and with your background in print journalism, you could easily be accepted.” She was so encouraging, but the more I looked at the dark-haired model, the further my stomach sank. “We have great relationships with their administration, and our students have always been an asset to the program.”

Blinking up at her, I tried to imagine being separated from Julian by a year and an ocean. “I think…” My voice was quiet. “I think I’m as abroad as I want to be right now.”

Her dark eyes creased with her warm smile. “Your resume is very good for someone your age. I think you should capitalize on the momentum you have now. See how far it can take you.”

“It’s just that going abroad means leaving.” I felt like an idiot. Of course it meant leaving.

“And there is someone holding you here?” A little smile touched the corner of her mouth.

I didn’t want to answer that. “It’s just… I couldn’t have come here without a scholarship, and I don’t know if my parents or I have the money.”

It was almost the whole truth. Money might not have been as painful a consideration as leaving Julian, but it was definitely a consideration.

She nodded, her glossy dark hair bobbing in her face. “Of course. You must talk it over with your parents, whoever else, and let me know.” She squeezed my forearm. “Like I said, it might not lead to an offer or even to a very lucrative position, but it would be an amazing experience for you. And who knows what doors might open. Just think about it.”

Now I nodded rapidly. “I’m sure you’re right. Thank you so much, Dr. Arati!”

Her straight, white teeth shone in her smile. I smiled back, but my stomach was a cluster of painful knots as I collected my notebook and bag.

Junior Year Abroad would be the most unbelievable experience, but how in the world could I ever be away from Julian like that? I was already miserable with him just a few hours away. Heaviness weighed on my shoulders as I pulled open the wooden door. Money was a major factor, but it was the least of my concerns.

I was lost in a cloud of wanting to be a strong College Woman, wanting to seize this opportunity that had just been presented to me, and failing, when I glanced up and nearly dropped all my stuff.

“Anna, hey.” Jack caught my computer before it slipped out of my arm. “Whoops—don’t drop your notebook.”

He smiled, and dammit. I hated that stupid gorgeous smile that always knocked me a little off-balance. He didn’t look at all like last night. He looked amazing. His light blonde hair was perfectly messy as always, and he wore a gray tee that stretched across his shoulders. His faded jeans hung loose around his hips.

Finding my voice, I asked the obvious question. “What are you doing here?”

“Waiting for you.” My brow creased, and he continued. “I wanted to find you. And apologize for last night.”

The painful memory of last night only made the ache in my stomach even stronger. I glanced down the empty hall.

“How did you know I had class here?” An impossible idea flickered across my brain.
Had he been following me? Did he know my class schedule?

“After you left, Rachel was looking for you…”

Dr. Arati stepped out of her classroom then. She paused when she saw Jack and me talking, then she gave me a knowing smile before turning back to lock the door.

I wanted to correct what I feared she was thinking, tell her she couldn’t be more wrong. Jack was not the reason I’d hesitated at her offer. Jack would’ve been the one thing that would have sent me running to London—just to get away from him, to stay there until he no longer had the power to trip me up.

He caught my arm and escorted me down the hall, away from class. I resisted inhaling the citrusy scent of his cologne that tried to fill my brain with memories of every time he’d pulled me into his arms. Last night included.

As we walked, he continued. “She told me which classes you had today.”

Of course, Rachel had told him. From what I kept hearing, Jack barely knew his own class schedule, much less mine.

Shaking away the crazy, I stepped to the side, out of his grasp.

“So you went to all of my classes today?”

“Just this last one.” We were outside in the humid air, and we stopped, facing each other. He smiled again. “Want to grab some lunch with me?”

“No.”

I answered so fast, he actually laughed. “I don’t blame you. I was a jerk last night. I’m sorry.”

His hand rose as if he were going to touch me again, and I took another half-step away. He put it instead in his back pocket, stretching his shirt in a way that told me everything underneath it was just as perfect as always. I did not care.

“When I first saw you last night, I thought we could be friends.” Somehow my voice didn’t give away how blindsided my insides felt. “Now I don’t think that’s a great idea.”

His mouth pressed into a line. “Because of Julian?”

“Because of you. You’re different now.” I thought about it and added. “Or maybe it’s like you said last night, you were never the person I thought you were.”

His head dropped and for a moment, neither of us spoke. His eyes traveled from the space between us to my hands then up to mine again. That damn Kyser blue, the same intense color that was so full of love when it met me from Julian’s face. It was full of suspicion or annoyance when it came from their father. Now meeting me from Jack’s perfect features, they were only lost and a little sad.

“I’m not going to apologize for telling you that.” His voice was low now, and I heard a touch of weariness. “I honestly don’t remember everything I said, and my delivery was… bad. Again, I apologize.”

“Save it. There’s no reason why we ever have to see each other here.” I started to go, but he caught my arm. His strong grip kept me from leaving him.

“I don’t want it to be like that. I do want us to be friends like you said.”

I didn’t answer, and he dropped his arm. “That’s all I came here to say.”

All I gave him was a nod, and he inhaled deeply before turning to go. “See you around,” were his last words before he walked away.

I watched him crossing the space crowded with students. His casual way of walking turned a few heads and took me all the way back to that very first day at the beach. I’d hidden behind my dark sunglasses, fantasizing as he walked down to the crystal blue Gulf. He was as perfect then as he was now.

On that day, I’d dreamed of standing beside him, holding his hand. Now, having been in that coveted spot—and tossed out of it, and pulled back in, and tossed out again—I had no intention of swimming back into that wave pool. Even if I wasn’t completely in love with Julian.

Julian
. The pamphlet I now clutched with all my other books and computer was like a huge pill stuck in my chest, and I couldn’t swallow it away. With Jack gone and most of the students clearing out for their next classes, I collapsed onto the concrete bench and pulled out my green phone. He was probably in class himself, but I called his number anyway.

“Would you believe I was just thinking about you?” His happy voice filled my ear in less than two rings.

Tears filled my throat, stealing my voice. Somehow hearing him broke the dam and all my emotions came swirling out in a violent stream. “Oh, Julian…” Was all I could manage in a pathetic little wail.

He was instantly concerned. “Whoa! What happened? Are you okay?”

Nodding, I realized he couldn’t see me, so I sniffed and coughed and tried to get it together. “Hang on,” I whispered and walked quickly to one of the ancient water fountains in the breezeway between the buildings. The water was hot and tasted like metal, but it helped me to get my voice back.

“You’re scaring me a little, Anna.”

“I’m sorry.” I cleared my throat. “I’m okay. I’m actually good, it’s just…”

“You’re crying. That usually means you’re not good.”

“I just needed to hear your voice.” Every breath sent a pulse of pain radiating through my chest.

“It’s okay, Sunshine.” His voice was quiet now. “I miss you bad sometimes, too. But I was just there—”

“It’s not that—or not only that. I was just in class, and well… one of my teachers… my favorite teacher said… she told me I should…” I wasn’t sure if I wanted to repeat what Dr. Arati had said yet.

“You’re really good at building suspense.” I could hear his grin, and it made my eyes fill again. I loved him so much. “You should consider writing mysteries.”

“She wants me to apply for Junior Year Abroad.” That silenced him. “She has a friend at the BBC. In radio.”

“BBC,” he repeated.

Now we were both hanging on the line, listening to each other’s breathing. I knew he was seeing what I had seen in the classroom. Nine months of us being apart. Not separated by state lines, but by passports and oceans and airlines with expensive fares.

After what felt like a mini-eternity, he spoke again. His voice was serious. “It sounds like she’s giving you a really great opportunity.”

“Oh, Julian.” My voice was barely a whisper.

“You’ve got to do it.”

“What?”

“I’m serious, Anna. I’m not going to stop you from doing something that could change your life for the better.”

“Even if it meant we’d be apart? I don’t want any changes at that price.”

He exhaled into the phone and I could hear him walking. “We’re apart now.”

“But you can actually come and see me.” I felt desperate and angry, which didn’t make any sense. I knew what he was saying was right. “After last weekend, are you actually saying you want to give that up?”