Mother Puncher (6 page)

falls
out. Turns out this woman is on her fifth kid.”
    “Okie dokie. On the way.” He pushed the END button and stood up. “Duty calls,” he told Tea and walked away.
    He was unsurprised when she followed him. He was beginning to feel like a rambunctious little shit of a puppy had claimed him as her person.
    “Baby on the way?” she asked.
    “What else?”
    “How should I know? Maybe a sick kid got out of line and they’re calling you to come beat him up.”
    Ed let the comment slide. He was quickly learning to ignore this wise-ass.
    “You’re kind of a dick, you know,” she said. “It’s no wonder they hired you as a Mother Puncher.”
    “Yeah. No wonder.”
    She trailed him into the elevator, her too-big shoes clopping noisily. He wondered what she looked like under that ridiculous Hardy suit, if she had a good body…if she was pregnant. Then he gave himself a mental punch in the head for even wondering about her figure. What was wrong with him? She was half his age.
    Sandy was waiting for him outside the birthing room. She gave Tea a double-take, then returned her attention to Ed. “Might have been a false alarm. Her contractions have apparently stopped.”
    Ed nodded, sipped his coffee and hoped Sandy didn’t notice the stain at his crotch, but of course, she probably did. Unlike Tea, Ed assumed she was too polite to mention it.
    “I’ll be in the waiting area,” he told Sandy and started off with the new puppy at his side.
     He’d barely gone ten steps when the woman in the birthing room screamed. Ed spun on his heels but Sandy was already inside, working whatever magic she worked with these women.
    “Guess maybe I’ll wait here instead,” he said, more to himself than to Tea.
    There was a loud thud and another scream. Sandy’s scream.
    Ed never even knew he’d dropped his coffee. He ran to the room, shoved open the door, saw Sandy on the floor and started to rush towards her. Before he could even fully register what was happening, his head and his feet switched positions and then he was on his back, staring at the ceiling, a large knot already forming on the back of his skull.
    “What the…Sandy!” He struggled to sit up, slipped back to the floor again. The intense pain in his head made him nauseous and his confusion grew, his heart leaping in his ribcage.
    Instead of sitting up, he decided just to turn his head and see what he could see. But his hair felt weird and he had a momentary instant of panic, thinking he’d cracked his head open and was oozing brains all over the linoleum. But then he realized his hands felt gooey too.
    The first thing that came into his head was eggs. Someone had dropped an egg on the floor. He held his hand up in front of his face and saw that it was covered in a thick blue slime. Frowning, he sniffed it.
    It smelled like dish soap.
    To his left, Sandy groaned, sitting up slowly, staring down at the blue goo all over her peach-colored scrubs.
    Up in the bed, the pregnant woman began to laugh.

16

Tea made her way gingerly into the room and knelt down beside him. “You okay, Ed?” She had to ask the question rather loudly to be heard over the maniacal laughter of the patient.
    “Yeah,” he said. “Sick to my stomach though.”
    “I’m not surprised. I heard your head hit the floor. It sounded gross. I guess you might have a concussion or something. Good thing you work in a hospital, huh?”
    “Yeah, good thing.” He managed to get himself into a sitting position and looked over at Sandy who was grabbing the side of the bed and trying to stand. Her feet kept sliding out from under her and back to the floor she went, landing on her ass.
    “It’s like trying to walk on ice,” Tea said. “Be careful.”
    Ed ignored her and shouted at the pregnant woman. “Shut the fuck up, you stupid bitch! You could have killed us!”
    This statement of fact only caused her to laugh harder. She was holding her bountiful belly, tears streaming down her apple cheeks.
    “You just wait till you drop that brat,” Ed went on. “I’m gonna punch you like you’ll never forget!”
    It took Ed several times of trying before he managed to stand up, even with the help of Tea, who gripped the counter with one hand and tried to help him keep his balance with the other.
    “How come you’re not falling down?” he asked when he was finally up.
    “Grew up in Chicago.
lots
of ice.”
    “Ed?” Sandy said. “Can I get a hand here?”
    Getting Sandy up was another comedy of errors but together Ed and Tea managed to do it on the fifth or sixth try. Once she was standing, Sandy glared at the pregnant woman and gave a look of disgust at the blue dish soap that covered them all. “She must have used a dozen bottles of this stuff.”
    “Yeah,” Ed agreed, trying to flick the goo from his fingers. “You ever have someone do this before?”
    “Nope. New one on me.”
    “I’m gonna knock her block off,” Ed grumbled. “My head feels like someone hit it with a bat.”
    “Do you guys get hazard pay?” Tea asked.
    “You’d think that, wouldn’t you?” Sandy said, rubbing a bruise on her forearm.
    Ed’s cell phone rang. He looked down at his pocket, dismayed, not wanting it to get gooey. “I’ll let voice mail pick it up,” he said.
    Sandy eyed the pregnant woman and said, “I’m gonna have to get her to a new room.”
    “Don’t bother!” the woman cried with delight. She pointed at Ed, still laughing, “Lord, we got you good, you son-of-a-bitch! My water ain’t even broke yet!” To Sandy she said, “Clean that shit up off the floor so I can get out of here without breaking my neck or I’ll sue your sorry asses!”
    The three of them stared at her, expressions of disbelief and dismay on their faces.
    “Can she do that?” Tea asked.
    Almost sounding bored, Sandy said, “I’ll go call an orderly.” Very carefully, holding on to everything she could, she managed to get to the doorway without falling down. “Ed, keep an eye on her, will you?”
    “Sure.”
    After Sandy had left, the woman abruptly stopped laughing and gazed at Ed warily.
    His phone began to ring again. He ignored it.
    “Aren’t you gonna answer that?” Tea asked. “What if it’s something important?”
    “I doubt it. Besides, it’s a new phone. I don’t want it to get sticky.”
    The three of them watched each other in silence for a while, until Tea broke it by announcing, “I can’t stay here. This chick is giving me the creeps.”
    “Welcome to my world,” Ed told her. “We can wait in the hall.”
    Slip sliding away, they made their way out of the room safely.
    “I think I’m getting the hang of walking on that shit,” Ed said proudly.
    “For your sake, I hope no one is ever that imaginative again.”
    “Good point.”
    His cell rang again. He frowned down at his pocket while Tea looked at him expectantly.
    “It must be something important,” she said.
    Ed glanced at her, suspicious. “You have a crystal ball in that ridiculous suit?”
    “No, I just know that whenever someone rings your phone like that, it’s usually for a reason.”
    He scratched his forehead, then his ear. He felt itchy all over and desperately wanted a shower. All he needed at this point was the water—no soap required.
    In his pocket, the phone continued to ring. He was being to suspect it was Drizzle. Only that little dweeb would be so persistent.
    “Where the fuck is that orderly?” he growled.
    “I thought you said you were patient?”
    “I lied.”
    “I figured. They’re probably busy cleaning egg off the side of the building or something.”
    “Hmm.” Ed hadn’t thought of that. He peered back into the birthing room. The pregnant woman hadn’t moved; she was still in the bed, peering at him with sullen eyes. “She’s not going anywhere. I’m gonna go wash my hands.”
    “Good idea. Mine are gross too. Can I come?”
    “To the men’s room?”
    She made a disgusted face. “You wish.”
    “Oh, yeah. I’d probably rape you, right?”
    “Stranger things have happened.”
    He grunted and together they cruised down the hall to the restrooms and briefly parted ways. He was drying his hands on a paper towel when his phone rang again. This time he pulled it from his pocket and checked the display screen. Drizzle. Of course.
    Flipping it open, he said, “Now is not a good time.”
    “Man, it’s not a good time anywhere.”
    “You know there’s a riot going on outside the hospital right now?”
    “Yeah, I heard, but there are riots going on all over the place.”
    “What do you want me to do about it? I’m at fucking work! Don’t tell me you found a bitch giving birth to a litter of pups behind some Dumpster and you want me to come take care of it, because I’m not in the mood. Not to mention, I couldn’t get out of here right now if I wanted to.”
    “Well, you better find a way, man, because the mob is headed straight for your house.”
    Ed paused, his head pounding. “What?”
    “Envision: It’s a lifestyle. Remember?
Your house
?”
    He whirled to face himself in the mirror. “What the fuck are you talking about, Drizzle?”
    “A Dime. I got a call from a Dime, man. I got a call from a chick who got a call from a chick who got a call.”
    Ed waited, listening.
    Drizzle said, “The Dimes are getting dropped on you, man. On
all
the Mother Punchers. They’re coming for you.”
    Rubbing his stubble with his free hand, Ed said, “Well, I’m right here. What are they going to Envision for?”
    “Not sure. But Ash is there, isn’t she?”
    He checked his watch, tried to remember what day it was.
    The men’s room door swung open and Tea peeked in. “Is it safe?”
    Ed ignored her. Into the phone he said, “Yeah, I think she has a late shift at the station tonight. So she’s probably there. But, Drizzle, there’s no way anyone could get to the house. Envision has guards, remember?”
    “Guards didn’t stop me.”
    Tea came into the rest room and leaned against a sink, trying to read Ed’s face.
    Pacing, Ed tried to think. It was hard with the way his head was aching.
    “Champ?” Drizzle said.
    “Yeah, I’m thinking. What?”
    “Word on the street is that Bowie is leading the charge.”
    “What the fuck?” he shouted. “Are you sure?”
    “I’m just telling you what I heard.”
    “That motherfucker.” Then another thought occurred to him. “Are you just fucking with me, Drizzle? Because if you are—”
    “No way, man. What kind of a scum do you think I am?”
    Ed was tempted to say “one of the lowest” but he bit his tongue. Instead, he said, “I told Bowie that I’d do that moonlighting gig with you. That must have been what pissed him off. That and the ass whipping I gave him.”
    “No shit? Really? You didn’t tell me that part”
    “Yeah,” he said reluctantly. “Man, I hate that fucker.”
    “Speaking of the moonlighting gig, I’ve already got a few leads. Did you know there’s something like that…uh…what did they call it? Freedom Train or something? For the slaves back in the day?”
    “The Underground Railroad?”
    “Yeah, that’s it man! An Underground Railroad for the preggies. Bet the guys in the White House would give out medals for uncovering something that big. Supposed to run the whole length of the country.”
    “I’m guessing the guys in the White House already know about it,” Ed said absently. “Can we please stay on one subject at a time, Drizzle?”
    “Oh, yeah. Sorry, man.”
    “Okay. So, you and me, we’re square, right? No hard feelings?”
    “It’s hip to be square, man!” Drizzle laughed at his own joke.
    “Was that a yes?”
    “Yeah. Absolutely. We’re totally square, man. You’re my hero, remember?”
“Uh huh. Okay, then. Where are you now?”
    “Nowhere special. Just driving around looking for some riot action. I figure maybe there’s gonna be looting and shit, like those LA riots I learned about in history class in high school. I have my camcorder right here, in case I find anything juicy.”
    “Go to Envision, Drizzle. I’ll meet you there. Try to get to my house. If the guard doesn’t let you in, make a run for it on foot. If he catches you, don’t worry, I’ll be there soon.”
    “Uh…okay. But, Champ?”
    “What?”
    “What am I supposed to do when I get there?”
    Ed thought about it. He had no idea. “You have any weapons?”
    “No, man. Just the camcorder, like I said.”
    “Well, I guess that might come in handy. Maybe you could swing it if you had to.”
    “Swing it?” Drizzle sounded worried. “Swing it at who?”
    “The fucking mothers. Who else?”

17

    
Ed ended the call and told Tea what was going on. When he finished, he said, “I gotta get home.”
    “Can I come?”
    But Ed was already pushing his way through the bathroom door, mentally kicking himself for even wasting the time it took to explain everything to the girl.
    Together, he and Tea hurried to the exit that led out to the parking lot. Wisely, he stopped and peered out the little square window before opening the door.
    There were people in the parking lot vandalizing the vehicles.
    “Motherfucker!” he growled. “My truck!”
    Tea pushed him aside, stretched her neck and looked out. “Is that the employee’s lot?”
    “Yep.”
    “They’re being so quiet.”
    “What do you mean?”
    “I mean, listen. When have you ever heard of a quiet riot?”
    “Uh…”
    “Exactly. They’re doing things like spraying painting the cars, popping the hoods, ripping out wires, slashing the tires. Shit like that. They’re not smashing windows and bashing the bodies with sledgehammers.”
    “So the fuck what?” Ed demanded. “Damage is damage. Who cares if they’re being quiet about it? They probably just didn’t want us to hear them from inside the building.”
    “Exactly,” Tea said.
    Ed gave her a blank stare.
    “If they don’t want anyone inside to hear, then it must mean that they want everyone who leaves the building to be caught by surprise.”
    “That’s stupid. All we have to do is look out the window, like we just did. Bang. There goes the surprise.”
    Tea frowned. “Doesn’t it seem weird to you, though?”
    “I don’t know. I only know I have to get to my truck and get home.”
    “Well, going out there right now seems like a really bad idea to me.”
    He glanced out the window again, trying to count how many people there were and found that he couldn’t. His line of sight only showed him a small sliver of the parking lot and in that sliver he could see about eight people, both men and women, though mostly women. He couldn’t see his own truck at all, but he knew it was nearby and had probably sustained quite a bit of damage, especially since the assholes had seen him drive up in it in the first place. Hell, for all he knew, they’d gained entry into the employee’s parking lot for the sole purpose of trashing
his
truck. Maybe all the other cars were just collateral damage, something for the rioters to do until they got their hands on some actual meat. Most likely,
his
meat.
    “Fuck,” he hissed through clenched teeth.
    “I have a car,” Tea said.
    He looked at her. “Where is it?”
    “Visitor’s parking.”
    “Let’s go.”