Mother's Story (19 page)

‘You okay in there, Mummy?' Matthew tapped gently on the bathroom door. She could hear Lilly hiccupping with relief and joy at being in her daddy's arms. ‘We are going downstairs to make lunch and we'll see you down there!'

Jessica wasn't sure which she disliked most, his jovial tone or the way he called her Mummy and spoke on behalf of him and Lilly. She longed to have a conversation with just her husband. The way they used to.

Standing, Jessica stared at her reflection as she flushed the loo, reinforcing the charade. She ran her hand over her breasts, feeling nothing but relief that she had not been able to breastfeed her daughter. The midwife had clucked her tongue in sympathy and patted her arm as though offering an apology. ‘Sometimes these things just happen,' she'd said. It didn't bother Jessica. With no milk production, there was no choice but to let Lilly continue on formula, the added advantage being that Matthew could take responsibility for the majority of her feeds, which he did very willingly, of course.

Come on, you can do this, Jess! Get your shit together and think positive.
She tried to rally her reflection.
It's all going to be fine. It's all going to be just fine. So you're not like your own mum, with that instant love thing, that's okay. Everybody's different. For you, things might just take a little bit longer.
After taking one more deep breath, she crept down the stairs and made her way into the kitchen.

‘We were just wondering whether you'd got stuck in that loo! Weren't we, Lilly? We were going to call the fire brigade.' Matthew addressed Lilly, who was lying in her Moses basket on its stand in the corner of the room, under the dresser.

‘What's for lunch?' Jessica smiled, ignoring his comments.

‘Oh, I thought the usual sixty-five mils of formula! Followed by a jolly good burp.' He waggled the bottle in her direction.

‘I meant for us, idiot.' She sighed.

‘Tell you what, you feed Lilly and I'll rustle up some cheese on toast. Sound good?'

Jessica nodded. ‘Sounds great.' She hadn't had much of an appetite since having Lilly, but a quick bite of cheese on toast would be just the trick.

As Matthew handed her the bottle, Jessica felt the familiar squeeze on her intestines and an increase in heart rate as something close to panic spread from her core. The bottle sat awkwardly in her palm, slipping against her skin in a way that it didn't seem to for anyone else. Even her dad had looked like a pro as he jostled Lilly in one arm and with her feed in his other hand wandered around the kitchen, chatting to her idly as though he had been doing this forever. Jessica was only comfortable feeding her daughter in a certain position in a particular chair and preferably with no one around to watch. She crept over to the Moses basket and smiled down at her daughter, who kicked her legs up and grabbed at thin air, going cross-eyed with the effort of staring at nothing,

‘Hello, Lilly. It's me, it's your mum.' She nodded.

‘Of course she knows it's you! She loves you.' Matthew laughed as he reached for the block of Cheddar sitting alone in the depths of the fridge.

Jessica stared at him nervously. She knew he was trying his best, but even though his comment was meant to reassure her, it had the opposite effect, making her feel like she was saying the wrong thing. Why was this so hard? How could she begin to describe the embarrassment she felt at having to converse with a baby, her baby!

Reaching into the basket with one arm, she tried to scoop Lilly up with one hand under her little shoulders; realising she needed more leverage, she let her roll back down onto the soft mattress. Lilly, clearly unsettled by this lack of deftness, started to cry. Jessica saw Matthew's fingers twitch, desperate to take over, wanting to pick up his daughter with ease and juggle her mid air from one arm to the other as if to prove how easy it was.

Placing the bottle on the floor, Jessica tried for the second time. Using both hands this time, she lifted her little girl and placed her clumsily in the crook of her right arm. She then bent down awkwardly to pick up the bottle that sat by her feet. This wasn't so easy with the sting of her surgery flaring at any unusual movement. As she crouched, Matthew almost shouted, ‘You have to support her head, Jess!' Unnerved and wide-eyed, she straightened and stared at the bottle, trying to figure the best way of picking it up without dipping too low or letting Lilly's head fall forward.

‘C… can, can you bring her bottle through?' she almost whispered as she carefully made her way into the sitting room, walking as though trying to avoid broken glass, conscious of every step.

Matthew nodded silently and shoved the cheese back onto the counter top. Lunch could wait.

Jessica turned around and backed into the comfy chair upholstered in taupe linen that sat in the bay window of their Victorian home. With her left hand she pulled the cushion from behind her back and placed it in the gap below the arm of the chair; on this feather-filled pillow she rested Lilly's head. She exhaled, realising that she had been holding her breath.

‘Here you go, love.' Matthew handed her the bottle, which she placed in Lilly's seeking mouth.

‘She's a good little eater, isn't she?' he cooed. He placed his finger on the underside of the bottle. ‘Just raise the end up a bit to make sure she doesn't swallow any air, then she'll settle better after.'

‘Right.' Jessica nodded and lifted the bottle as if being instructed and wanting to take it all in.

Matthew sat at her feet and kissed her knee. ‘It's all going to be okay, you know, Jess. Things will get easier when you are in more of a routine.'

She nodded, desperately hoping this was true.

‘I think it's a good thing I'm going back to work tomorrow, it'll give you and Lilly a chance to get to know each other a bit better. And your mum's coming over for a couple of days, which will be fun.' He smiled. ‘I know things haven't been that easy for you. I think it's because you had such a difficult birth and it was all a bit of a shock. Cathy the health visitor agreed.'

‘I know,' she whispered.

‘Do you want me to put Jake off?' Matthew asked.

‘Hmmmmnn?'

‘He's coming over for a cuppa this afternoon, would you like me to ask him not to?'

‘Don't mind.' She shrugged.
Not Jake, please. Not today. I don't want to see anyone. Anyone.

‘He's desperate to see this little one.' Matthew stroked Lilly's little toes with his fingers. ‘And I can't blame him, she is so beautiful!' There it was, the baby voice again… ‘Must admit, I've missed the idiot. Be nice to catch up and I'm sure he won't stay long.'

Jessica nodded and kept her eyes on her baby. An hour later, Jake's booming voice shattered the fragile peace. ‘Hey, amigos!' he shouted as he stepped inside the hallway.

Jessica felt the sleeping Lilly jump in her arms. She closed her eyes and tried to dig deep to find a smile and the warm welcome he would be expecting. She listened as he and Matthew chortled and bantered in the hallway, just like old times. She stared at the baby in her arms, hoping she wasn't going to wake up, not yet. Making mistakes with Lilly was bad enough, but doing so in front of an audience was worse.

‘Well, well, well, Jessica Deane. Get you, you look like a mum!' Jake screeched as he came into the sitting room. ‘Plonked there, looking knackered with your wee girl. How are you?' He bent to kiss Jessica, holding his jacket flat against his chest so as not to disturb Lilly.

‘I'm good.' She smiled.

‘You look like a natural,' he said. Her smile broadened. ‘She's a bit small, I was expecting a larger model.' He raised his generous eyebrows and scrutinised the baby in her arms.

‘She's a baby, Jake. They're meant to be small.' Matthew tutted.

‘Suppose so.' Jake nodded. ‘Does she look like anyone?' he asked.

‘She looks like herself,' Jessica answered.

‘Blimey, that's a relief. If she had a massive conk like her dad's, it would stand out a mile.'

‘She happens to have the most exquisite nose ever created,' Matthew stated matter-of-factly.

‘Oh, someone's got it bad!' Jake nudged his friend in the ribs.

‘Mate, I am absolutely crazy about her. I knew I wanted to be a dad, but I had no idea how it would knock me for six. If anyone had told me I could feel like this about another human being, I wouldn't have believed them.'

Like you used to feel about me…

Matthew sighed. ‘The moment I held her, it was like a punch to the gut. Like meeting Jess all over again, but more intense. She needs me, needs us. Having something so totally helpless rely on you is a huge responsibility but also the biggest privilege.'

There was a moment of silence while everyone considered Matthew's speech.

‘Fucking hell, mate, you sound like Spiderman,' Jake said.

All three laughed and as Jessica dissolved into giggles, she felt a flicker of her old self reach up through the stifling veneer of motherhood and extend a waving hand through the crack.

‘Polly been round with veggie bonkers hippy bloke yet?' Jake asked as he flopped down onto the sofa.

‘Don't call him that. He's actually really nice.' Jessica felt the need to defend both her friend and Topaz, whose warmth and sincerity she had come to love.

‘I didn't say he wasn't!'

‘Calling him veggie bonkers hippy bloke is not a compliment, Jake!' Jessica felt the twitch of laughter on her face once again. It had taken the arrival of Jake in their home to remind her what normal felt like.

‘Fair enough. Fair enough.' Jake nodded and raised his palm. ‘I shall only refer to him by his real name of Topaz.'

And once again the three fell about laughing.

‘Topaz? I mean, come on, Jess, what the fuck?' Jake roared.

Lilly slept on, oblivious. As Jessica laughed and chatted to their good friend with her baby girl in her arms, for the first time since giving birth she felt like a natural.
Maybe I can do this. I can.

‘Anyway, I don't want to be rude, but what does a man need to do to get a beer around here? If this is what parenthood means, you can shove it! I've been here for ten minutes and not so much as a cup of tea or a cold brewski. Your standards are slipping and I think it's all her fault!' Jake pointed at Lilly, who sighed and knitted her hands across her tummy as if on cue.

The doorbell rang. Matthew sprang up and Jessica heard her best friend's loud squawking. Her stomach flipped at the prospect of more guests.

She looked at Jake. ‘Polly is really keen on this guy and you have to be nice and make him feel welcome.'

He threw his head back and laughed.

‘I mean it!' she whispered. ‘They are only popping in, so be nice.' She pointed her finger in his direction as if this somehow enhanced her threat.

‘All right, Jess! Blimey, what's that tone for, are you practising your angry mummy voice?'

‘I get plenty of practice with you around, Jake. I still haven't forgiven you for announcing to the whole wide world that I was pregnant!'

‘Oh, thank God for that. I thought you were still mad at me for telling your parents about you and Matt shagging on your first date!' Jake raised his beer bottle in a self-congratulatory manner. ‘I will of course be polite, but I bet he's a four-stone weakling with bad skin and a darting eye.' He shuddered. ‘Vegetarians are always so worthy, desperate to tell you why meat is murder. I find I have very little in common with lentil munchers.'

Polly walked into the sitting room and curled her lip at Jake before smiling at her friend. ‘Oh, Jess! Look at her! She is so beautiful, you clever girl. You look fantastic!' She graced her friend's cheek with a kiss. ‘Can I hold her?' She rubbed her hands in anticipation as she sat down at Jessica's feet and took the sleeping Lilly in her arms.

‘This is Topaz,' Matthew announced as they walked into the sitting room.

Jake looked from Polly's chisel-jawed beau to his mate. In their eyes, he ticked at least three boxes that usually invited derision: funny name, long hair and a collection of bangles and leather bracelets. Both recalled the time Scotty, their roommate at uni, had appeared after the summer break, sporting a leather thong around his neck and what looked suspiciously like highlights. He had been known ever since as Point Break.

‘Congratulations, Jess. And you, Matt. You must be over the moon. Isn't it incredible?' He spoke as one who had plenty of experience of newborns.

‘So, Topaz…' Jake paused as though expecting a ripple of laughter. ‘That's an unusual name. Does it run in the family?' He shot Matthew a quick look before taking a sip of his beer. Ignoring Jessica's request for politeness, this line of questioning was entirely for his friend's benefit.

Topaz sat forward. ‘Please, call me Paz. And actually no, it doesn't. I'm the first.'

‘Really? You surprise me.' Jake feigned surprise.

Topaz joined his fingers and rested his elbows on his knees. ‘I was actually christened Roland Raymond Jacques de Bouieller – it's the “Raymond Jacques de Bouieller” bit that gets passed on, so my elder brother is Simon Raymond Jacques de Bouieller. But my godfather took one look at my very blue eyes and called me Topaz. I was about two; we were at my parents' house in St Barts. It just kind of stuck.'

Polly smirked in Jake's direction. He hesitated, taken aback by the man's connections and apparent wealth. He stuttered briefly. ‘So… so, Paz, you're a
yoga
teacher.' He smiled.

‘Yes, yoga, meditation, spiritual health, that kind of thing.'

Jake looked at Matthew. ‘And all that meditation gets you fit, does it?' He snickered.

Topaz stood and with two fingers gently lifted the hem of his white linen shirt to reveal a perfectly sculpted, tanned six-pack. ‘Partly, but my mixed martial arts training and running help as well. I find that the combination and discipline of all three help maintain not only my fitness but my stamina too.' He let his shirt fall and ran his palms over his taut thighs.