Mother's Story (27 page)

‘Take your clothes off!' Polly shouted. ‘It's not like I haven't see it all before.' She threw a magazine at her friend, who caught it and placed it on the ground.

‘I'm okay.' Jessica drew her knees up and placed her arms around them. She didn't know how to explain how she felt about her post-pregnancy body. It wasn't that she looked dramatically different; in fact the changes were subtle. Her body was softer, more rounded. Her newly filled-out breasts, hips and tummy carried stretch marks that gave her skin a crêpey texture; silvery-purple jagged lines that seemed to peek from beneath her skin. She hated them. Her nipples were larger and darker than before and the linea nigra, the dark stripe that started below her bikini line and worked its way up over her belly button, showed little sign of fading. She felt marked by the changes and didn't want to expose them, not even to Polly, who had seen her body countless times.

Polly lit a cigarette. She always smoked on holiday. ‘Paz says that the female form in any shape or size is to be worshipped as it's been created to give life, the greatest achievement of all.'

‘Well that's easy for Paz to say, he won't have to go through it!'

‘He's genuine, Jess. He is the kindest person I've ever met.'

‘That's nice.' Jessica smiled, but still refused to remove her pyjamas. ‘Do you mind if I go back to bed, Poll?'

‘Seriously?' Her friend sat up and stared. ‘You want to go back to bed? You've only just got up. It's like holidaying with Rip Van Winkle!'

‘I think if I can sleep some more then maybe we could go out for supper this evening.' Jessica looked out towards the mountains. She hated having to negotiate with her friend and realised she might have been better off coming there alone, free to sleep and sit in her pyjamas without comment or judgement.

‘Whatevs!' Polly turned onto her front and closed her eyes.

True to her word, Jessica drew on all her mental reserves and got out of bed, showered, and even managed to drag a brush through her long hair. She dug deep, trying to find enthusiasm for the evening ahead.

The fish restaurant was on the water, at the foot of the mountain, a stone's throw from the shingle beach. The taxi driver that had dropped them there was a friend of the Deanes and more than happy to converse, wanting to know all about Lilly and when she would be making her debut trip to the island. Jessica had been polite but evasive.

Their table had a wonderful view of the sea and the jagged rocks either side.

‘Do you know, Jess, I have never known you be so quiet. You've hardly said a word since we arrived. And poor old taxi-man had to practically interrogate you to get an answer.' Polly gulped at her sangria.

‘I'm sorry.' She paused. ‘Matt says all I do is apologise. Maybe he's right.'

Polly sighed. ‘I want you to know that if I met you now, I would definitely not choose you to be my best friend. In fact you wouldn't even make the top three. You're a bit boring.'

Jessica smiled into her lap. ‘Well, luckily for me, you chose me before I got boring and now you are stuck with me, so that's that.'

‘Are you going to have a drink?' Polly poured her second glass of sangria and knocked it back like it was squash.

‘Maybe a glass of wine.' Jessica nodded. This would be her first drink in a year; she had got out of the habit.

‘Atta girl!' Polly clapped as though her friend had given the correct answer. ‘I miss getting pissed with my girl; it was a big part of our lives. Do you remember the first time we got drunk? In your mum and dad's back garden, swigging from a bottle of Blackthorn. I remember your dad coming out to see what we were laughing at and you'd just been sick in his conifer.'

Jessica smiled at the memory and toyed with the napkin on the table. ‘I didn't want to drink when I was pregnant and I just haven't taken it up again.'

‘Yet!' Polly laughed. ‘You haven't taken it up again yet, but tonight could be the night!'

‘Just one then.' She smiled.

‘In celebration of my marriage!' Polly squealed. She banged her feet under the table, beyond excited.

‘Yes. It's great news, Poll.'

Polly sighed, concerned and upset by her friend's muted reaction. ‘Is Matt treating you right?' The question came out of the blue.

‘What?'

‘You heard. Is Matt being mean or hurting you in any way?' Polly's jaw was set.

‘No!' Jessica laughed her answer. ‘You asked me this before and the answer is still no, he's great. More than great.'

‘Good, because even though you are too boring to be my best friend, if he is maltreating you, I'll go berserk. Really.' Polly drained her glass.

Jessica closed her eyes and accepted the glass of wine that Polly poured her. She sipped it, enjoying the chilled sparkle of Codorníu as it slipped down her throat.

‘I just need to know how you are feeling and what's going on. I am so worried about you.'

‘I know I'm boring now, Poll, but I've changed, things are different.' She concentrated on the little bubbles that rose to the top of her glass.

‘You haven't changed, Jess. You've only had a baby. Millions of people do it and it doesn't change them, not really.'

‘Well, it's changed me.' She nodded and glugged her wine, reaching for the bottle. ‘I am permanently exhausted.'

‘Have you told your doctor or health visitor?'

She shrugged. ‘Not really.'

‘Maybe you're anaemic?'

‘Yes, that'll be it. Thank you, Nurse Polly.' Jessica smirked as she finished her second glass and sat back, waiting for the booze to lower its veil for her to hide behind. She refilled her glass and ordered a second bottle.

‘Wow! So much for your one glass!' Polly laughed.

Jessica raised her palms in submission and looked at the menu.

By the end of the evening, the girls were drunk and happy, giggling and picking at their spicy paella as they chatted.

‘I can't tell you how happy I am to have found Paz!' Polly raised her glass. ‘Here's to me, who is actually going to become Mrs Veggie Bonkers Hippy Bloke!'

‘I'll drink to that!' Jessica slurred. ‘And you need to give me credit for coming to that horrible smelly class with you. And I only did it because of Conor Barrington and his cheese-and-onion breath and octopus hands!'

The two girls roared and banged the table. An older couple on the table next to them looked over to see what the sudden noise was.

‘A promise is a promise!' Polly giggled. ‘And you promised to help me find my man and you did.' She closed her eyes and was tempted to keep them closed as her head lolled onto her chest.

‘I promise to always be there for you, Polly. You are my girl. After Matt, you are my number one!' Jessica raised her glass in salute.

‘No, no. Lilly is your number one! You are a mummy now, with your own little girl. So, so cute.'

And just like that, the veil was lifted and Jessica was reminded of the sadness and fear she dragged around inside her like a rock. ‘Sometimes, Polly, you're such a dickhead. Why do you have to spoil things? I'm going for a walk,' Jessica shouted as she wove her way across the restaurant terrace and down onto the shingle beach.

‘Okay, Mrs Moody!' Polly mumbled, lifting her glass to her absent companion. Her mouth and mind were having difficulty coordinating. The other diners were not oblivious to the drama, the pair having drawn so much attention throughout the evening. Their whispers echoed around the tables.

Jessica welcomed the solitude as she stood on the pebbles, staring out into the blackness. The water was a dark pool of tar. The waves crashed and foamed in their relentless battle against the pull of the moon. The pretty beach that tomorrow would see lovers laughing as they ran into the water and families unpacking picnics, tonight felt like a place of foreboding. Jessica longed for the morning and the return of the light.

The red glow from a moored yacht swayed on the horizon, a tiny speck that could be swallowed up in one gulp by the vast, endless ocean. The chill breeze made her shiver; it took her breath away, causing her chin to dip involuntarily towards her chest as she tried to muster some warmth. She remembered lying back in the ocean, safe in Matthew's arms, partially submerged and feeling as if she was flying.
‘Fly high, golden girl. I've got you.'
That's what he'd said.

The wind was loud in her ears as fine strands of her hair meshed with her long eyelashes. A squall suddenly skittered across the calm, expectant sea. The incoming clouds were beautiful, a rich palette of mauves as the storm brewed behind them. Where they split in the distance, flesh-pink sky was revealed; it would be warm tomorrow. The tempest was almost upon her, yet still no rain had fallen. A plastic chair crashed along the patio. It was coming.

Jessica glanced over her shoulder at the curtains that billowed from the upstairs windows of the fish restaurant; no longer simply sheets of fabric, they now assumed sinister shapes and forms. Darkness closed in quite suddenly, as though a heavenly shopkeeper had decided it was time to draw a blind on the day.

Jessica wasn't particularly angry with Polly. She was angry with herself, angry and disappointed. How had her life gone from being so perfect to such a bloody mess? ‘What is wrong with me?' She shouted into the darkness, knowing there would be no response.
Please, someone help me! Show me what to do, please!

Her thoughts were interrupted.

‘Jess!' Polly shouted through the wind as she tottered up the beach, pulling her pashmina around her shoulders. ‘I'm sorry I upset you.' When she finally reached her friend, she was slightly out of breath; she hung on to Jessica's arm, with her head hung low, eager to make amends. ‘I never thought I would say this, but I just don't know what to say to you any more. It's not like you, Jess.' Polly's legs swayed beneath her, the alcohol seemed to have gone straight to her knees. ‘Paz and Matt said they thought you might be depressed and I told them that you didn't do depression, that you weren't that kind of girl—'

Jessica turned to face her friend, shrugging her arm free of Polly's grip. ‘Not that kind of girl? What kind of girl am I then, Polly? You don't know! You don't know anything about me!' she shouted.

‘I do. I do know you! You're my best friend and you always will be.' Polly's bottom lip trembled.

‘No!' Jessica shook her head. ‘No you don't. You don't know me any more! I'm not funny old Jess who you knock for on the way to school, or good old Jess that lets you come into her house and nick her food! Game for a laugh Jess, the first to get pissed, the last to leave. Let me tell you about me, would you like that?' she yelled.

Polly's tears fell in silent response.

‘Listen to this, Polly.' Jessica turned to face her; her words were loud and slow, delivered with consideration. ‘I hate being a mother. I hate it! I can't do it and I can't understand it. I am so crap at it; I can't even hold her bloody head properly. I wish I'd known how I was going to feel because I honestly would have tried harder not to get pregnant. I hate every second of my life now, and I want my old life back!'

Polly sobbed. ‘Jess… Jess, no…' She reached for her friend's arm, but Jessica backed away.

‘Yes, Polly, yes! I don't love Lilly. I don't love her. I don't even
like
her!' She was now screaming. ‘I hate her fucking name and I hate her room in my house. I hate seeing her things in my kitchen and I don't want to spend any time with her, none at all! And I hate myself for saying such a terrible thing, even for thinking it, but it's the truth.'

‘You don't mean it, Jess! You've had too much to drink…'

‘Oh, I mean it! I mean every word of it! The sound of her waking is like torture to me. I wish we'd never had her.' Jessica balled her hands into fists. ‘I don't know who she is or why she is in my life! Who the fuck is she? I wish I could wind back the clock to when it was just Matt and me in our lovely house. When I was happy! I was so happy!' Jessica thumped her thighs as her tears broke the surface. ‘I can't do it. I can't. And I can't tell Matt because he loves her and that kills me too. I don't want him to love her, I want him to just love me.' Jessica collapsed onto the beach as the rain came. She cared little that the stones bit into her knees or that the fat raindrops plastered her hair to her face. ‘And I don't know what to do…'

Polly sank down beside her friend and wrapped her arms around her. ‘It's okay, Jess. It will all be okay.' She held her shivering form tight in the rain.

‘How? How, Polly? I feel like giving up. I am so, so sad and I can't go on like this. I just can't. Everyone is telling me how lucky I am and how much support I have, but it makes no difference, none at all. I'm going mad.'

‘Shhhh….' Polly soothed. ‘You are not going mad. We'll find a way, Jess. We will find a way to make it all better. I promise.'

The two lay side by side on the pebbles and let the storm wash over them. Polly held her friend tight as she sobbed into the rain. They cried and talked until morning broke and the sun crept over the horizon and the sea became calm again.

Birds circled overhead, eager to scoop up any spoils that the storm had brought to the surface. The two friends sat on the beach with their elbows resting on their raised knees, each replaying and analysing the previous night's events. Jessica's revelations sat between them like an unwanted third person that demanded their attention.

‘Do you fancy a coffee?' Polly asked quietly. ‘I'll nip up to the bistro and grab us a couple, if you like?'

Jessica nodded.

‘Will you be okay? I shan't be a sec.'

Jessica nodded again.

Polly jumped up and wiped the sandy residue from her bottom. She returned a quarter of an hour later with welcome china mugs of hot, dark coffee and resumed her place next to her best friend on the beach. They sat in silence for a while longer, until eventually Polly felt able to phrase the words that were tumbling around inside her head.