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Authors: Dan Gutman

Mr. Louie Is Screwy!

BOOK: Mr. Louie Is Screwy!
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My Weird School #20

Mr. Louie Is Screwy!
Dan Gutman
Pictures by Jim Paillot

To Emma


The H Word and the L Word

I Hate Love

Have Your Cake and Eat It, Too

The Power of Love

The Love Machine


Kissing Is Gross

Teachers in Love

Mrs. Dacky and Mr. Maisy


My Genius Ideas

Happily Ever After

The H Word and the L Word

My name is A.J. and I hate school.

“I hate school,” I told my friend Ryan, who will eat anything, even stuff that isn't food.

“Me too,” he said. We were walking to Ella Mentry School with our friend Michael, who never ties his shoes.

“Me three,” said Michael. “I hate school too.”

“Well, I hate school more than you guys do,” I said.

“Nobody hates school more than me,” said Ryan.

“I hated school before you guys hated school,” said Michael.

“Oh, yeah?” I told him. “I hated school before you were even born.”

Any time you want to win an argument, just tell the other person you did something before they were born. It works every time. That's the first rule of being a kid.

“Groovy!” somebody said as we were about to cross Walnut Street. “I can dig where you dudes are coming from.”

It was Mr. Louie, our crossing guard! He was standing at the corner of Walnut Street in front of the school. Mr. Louie always wears sandals and a tie-dyed shirt. He held up his guitar, which he uses as a stop sign.

“But it's a drag to use the H word,” Mr. Louie told us. “Hate is a downer, man. You should say ‘love.'”

Ugh! Mr. Louie said the L word!

“Ewwww!” we all yelled.

“There's too much hate in the world,” Mr. Louie explained, “and not enough love.”

Mr. Louie used to be a judge, but he quit because he said there were too many bad vibes (whatever they are). That's when he became a crossing guard.

“The L word is for girls,” I said.

“Love is for everyone,” Mr. Louie told us. “Do you know why I
love so much? Every morning I take a love potion. You dudes should take some, too.”

“No thanks!” we all said.

I never heard of a love potion. Maybe Mr. Louie was yanking our chain.

“School is cool,” he said. “You dudes should say you love school.”

“I'm not saying the L word out loud,” I announced.

“A.J.,” Mr. Louie told me, “if you don't say ‘I love school,' I'm gonna tell everybody you love…Andrea!”


Andrea Young is this really annoying girl in my class with curly brown hair. I don't love Andrea. I don't even like Andrea. I hate Andrea! So I sure didn't want Mr. Louie telling everybody I love her.

“Okay, okay,” I said quietly, so nobody else would hear. “I love school.”

“Outta sight!” said Mr. Louie. “Gimme some skin, A.J. Feel the love!”

“Oooooh!” Ryan said. “A.J. is in love with school!”

“When are you gonna get married to the school, A.J.?” asked Michael.

If those guys weren't my best friends, I would hate them.

I Hate Love

When we got to class, our teacher, Miss Daisy, was talking with Mr. Macky, the reading specialist. Reading is boring. But Mr. Macky loves reading so much, he walks around reading soup cans. He's weird.

“Do we have reading today?” I asked him.

“No,” Mr. Macky told me, “we have an assembly.”

An assembly is when everybody assembles in the all-purpose room. So it has the perfect name.

After the morning announcements, we had to walk a million hundred miles to the all-purpose room. It looked weird. There were peace signs, flowers, and lava lamps all over the stage.

“Crisscross applesauce,” Miss Daisy told us as we sat down.

The teachers used to tell us to sit Indian style. But they stopped because they thought Indians might get mad. Then they told us to sit like pretzels. I guess some pretzels got mad, because now the
teachers just say, “Crisscross applesauce.” I hope applesauce doesn't get mad.

Once everybody was seated, the strangest thing in the history of the world happened. Our principal, Mr. Klutz, got up onstage.

Well, that wasn't the strange part. Mr. Klutz gets up onstage all the time. The strange part was that he had hair all the way down to his shoulders!

We knew Mr. Klutz was wearing a wig, because just yesterday he was completely bald. Nobody can grow hair that fast. Mr. Klutz held up his hand and made a peace sign, which means shut up.

“Valentine's Day is next week,” Mr. Klutz told us, “so I invited a special guest. Put your hands together for…”

You'll never believe in a million hundred years who came out onstage.

It was Mr. Louie! Everybody clapped, because Mr. Louie is cool. I never saw him inside school before.

“Groovy!” said Mr. Louie. “I mean…like…you know?”

“Mr. Louie knows all about peace and love,” Mr. Klutz told us, “so I asked him to help us celebrate Valentine's Day next week.”

Mr. Louie played a song on his stop sign that was really easy to learn because
it went like this:

Love love love

Love love love

Love love love

That song had nothing but the L word
over and over again! It was dumb, but everybody clapped anyway, because we were glad it was over.

“Back in the Sixties,” Mr. Louie told us, “everybody loved each other. Can you dig it? Don't you think the world would be a better place if everybody loved each other today?”

“Yes!” shouted all the girls.

“No!” shouted all the boys.

Mr. Louie said we were going to send cards, decorate the school with hearts and flowers, and have a big concert on Valentine's Day to celebrate peace and love.

“Let's show how much we love each other and make the world a hipper
place,” he told us. “It's gonna be a gas. Love makes the world go round.”

Ugh! I think Mr. Louie took too much of his love potion. All the boys were pretending to throw up.

Then Mr. Louie sang his favorite song, “If I Had a Hammer.” It's about some weird guy who wants a hammer. If you ask me, instead of wasting time singing about wanting a hammer, he should just go to a hardware store and buy one.

After that Mr. Louie sang about some other weird guy who makes friends with ants.

Finally the assembly was over. Miss
Daisy made me the line leader. Andrea and her crybaby friend, Emily, were in line right behind me.

“Mr. Louie is right,” Andrea told Emily. “Don't you
love? I
love. I

She is so annoying. Anything Andrea says, I always say the opposite.

love,” I said. “I

“Someday you're going to fall in love,
Arlo,” said Andrea, who calls me by my real name because she knows I don't like it.

“Will not,” I told her.

“Oh, yes you will, Arlo!” Andrea said. “You'll fall in love with some girl, and you'll comb your hair to look handsome for her.”

“I don't think so,” I said. “I never comb my hair.”

“You'll get all goo-goo eyes over her, Arlo.”

“No way.”

“You'll hold hands with her, Arlo.”

“Don't bet on it.”

“You'll buy her valentines, Arlo.”

“Fat chance.”

“You'll kiss her, Arlo.”

Ewww! Kissing? Disgusting! What is her problem? Why can't a truck full of valentines fall on Andrea's head?

BOOK: Mr. Louie Is Screwy!
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