Mr. Monk Helps Himself
Read Mr. Monk Helps Himself Online
Authors: Hy Conrad
The Monk Series
Mr. Monk Helps Himself
Mr. Monk Gets Even
Mr. Monk Is a Mess
Mr. Monk on Patrol
Mr. Monk on the Couch
Mr. Monk on the Road
Mr. Monk Is Cleaned Out
Mr. Monk in Trouble
Mr. Monk and the Dirty Cop
Mr. Monk Is Miserable
Mr. Monk Goes to Germany
Mr. Monk in Outer Space
Mr. Monk and the Two Assistants
Mr. Monk and the Blue Flu
Mr. Monk Goes to Hawaii
Mr. Monk Goes to the Firehouse
MR. MONK HELPS HIMSELF
A NOVEL BY
HY CONRAD
Based on the USA Network
television series created by
ANDY BRECKMAN
OBSIDIAN
Published by the Penguin Group
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Copyright © 2013
Monk
© Universal Network Television LLC. Licensed by NBCUniversal Television Consumer Products Group 2013.
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LIBRARY OF CONGRESS CATALOGING-IN-PUBLICATION DATA:
Conrad, Hy.
Mr. Monk helps himself/Hy Conrad.
p. cm.
ISBN 978-1-101-62920-8
1. Monk, Adrian (Fictitious character)—Fiction. 2. Private investigators—Fiction. 3. Eccentrics and eccentricities—-Fiction. 4. Obsessive-compulsive disorder—Fiction. 5. Murder—Investigation—Fiction. 6. San Francisco (Calif.)—Fiction. 7. Mystery fiction. 8. Radio and television novels. I. Breckman, Andy. II. Monk (Television program) III. Title.
PS3553.O5166M7 2013
813'.54—dc23 2013001049
PUBLISHER’S NOTE
This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents either are the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously, and any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, business establishments, events, or locales is entirely coincidental.
The publisher does not have any control over and does not assume any responsibility for author or third-party Web sites or their content.
Contents
Author’s Note and Acknowledgments
CHAPTER ONE: Mr. Monk Takes the Temperature
CHAPTER TWO: Mr. Monk and the Cult
CHAPTER THREE: Mr. Monk’s Kryptonite
CHAPTER FOUR: Mr. Monk Goes Unanswered
CHAPTER FIVE: Mr. Monk and Number 99
CHAPTER SIX: Mr. Monk’s Virtual Tour
CHAPTER SEVEN: Mr. Monk Cleans a Cup Holder
CHAPTER EIGHT: Mr. Monk Stays Out
CHAPTER NINE: Mr. Monk Counts His Peas
CHAPTER TEN: Mr. Monk Gets Threatened
CHAPTER ELEVEN: Mr. Monk and Adrian
CHAPTER TWELVE: Mr. Monk Is On Board
CHAPTER THIRTEEN: Mr. Monk Gets Mail
CHAPTER FOURTEEN: Mr. Monk and the Headache
CHAPTER FIFTEEN: Mr. Monk Shakes on It
CHAPTER SIXTEEN: Mr. Monk Stays at Home
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN: Mr. Monk and the Massage
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN: Mr. Monk Goes Flush
CHAPTER NINETEEN: Mr. Monk Gets Mail 2.0
CHAPTER TWENTY: Mr. Monk Skips Lunch
CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE: Mr. Monk and the Test
CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO: Mr. Monk and the Breakup
CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE: Mr. Monk Loses It
CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR: Mr. Monk Phones It In
CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE: Mr. Monk Is Defriended
CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX: Mr. Monk Faces the Lair
CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN: Mr. Monk and the Cliff-hanger
CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT: Mr. Monk and the Bullies
CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE: Mr. Monk and His Germ Sister
CHAPTER THIRTY: Mr. Monk and What Happened
CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE: Mr. Monk and What Happened Next
CHAPTER THIRTY-TWO: Mr. Monk’s Last Package
CHAPTER THIRTY-THREE: Mr. Monk Sends in the Clowns
CHAPTER THIRTY-FOUR: Mr. Monk’s Vanishing Act
CHAPTER THIRTY-FIVE: Mr. Monk Is Nowhere
CHAPTER THIRTY-SIX: Mr. Monk and the Balloons
CHAPTER THIRTY-SEVEN: Mr. Monk and the New Deal
To Jeff, as always
AUTHOR’S NOTE AND ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
When it was announced I was taking over these novels,
Monk
fans started contacting me in droves, all asking the same question. Was I going to reboot the series, like a Batman or Spider-Man franchise, or just pick up where Lee Goldberg left off?
To be honest, I never thought of rebooting. To me, the
Monk
characters are real. On the TV show, the other writers and I took Monk and Natalie to a certain place in their lives. Meanwhile, in a parallel universe, Lee continued to expand them, smoothing out little bumps and creating new ones. I didn’t want to mess with that reality.
In the new books, some things will naturally be different, because Lee and I are naturally different. For example, his Natalie knows a lot about architecture. Mine, not so much. His Monk is more obsessed with numbers and symmetry. Mine is a little more phobic.
In many ways, Lee strengthened the
Monk
franchise. For one thing, he knows San Francisco and the wonderful character of the town. We wrote the show in Summit, New Jersey, and, while we did have a San Francisco map, it was pinned on the far wall and no one wandered over there very often. I’ll try to improve on our atmospheric quality; I promise.
The same goes for forensic accuracy. Lee had called on a cadre of experts to make sure his details were right. Despite our own police consultant, the
Monk
writers tried not to burden ourselves with too many facts. At one point, the production team called to tell us our formula for bomb making was ridiculous. We replied, “Do you really want us broadcasting how to make a bomb?” That shut them up.
The good news is that we were sticklers for logic. We may not have known bomb making, but we insisted that the logic of every story always worked.
The other good news is that I was with the show from beginning to end, for all eight years. I was the mystery guy, while everyone else had come from the world of comedy. Along the way, I think I had some influence on the way Monk talked and interacted. In other words, he wound up a little bit like me, which makes writing for him a pleasure.
When I first told Andy Breckman I was doing this, his response was “Great. You can use some of the Monk stories we never got to do.”
Mr. Monk Helps Himself
is one of those stories. I brought it into the writers’ room during season six. We played around with the idea until it morphed into something totally different—
“
Mr. Monk Joins a Cult,” guest starring Howie Mandel. That’s how it happens in a roomful of writers. There are dozens of great plots, half thought through, buzzing around in our collective memory.
As for acknowledgments, first and foremost, there’s Andy Breckman, the founder of the feast, the heart and soul of Monk.
I also want to thank Lee Goldberg for creating this parallel universe and for taking such great care in preserving the characters and sending them off in new, unexpected directions.
I know Monk doesn’t like change. But I hope you can put up with a little. It’s part of life, as Natalie keeps telling him.
If you would like to say hello, I would love to hear from you, either on my Facebook fan page or at my Web site at hyconrad.com.