Ms. Hannah Is Bananas! (4 page)

“You two,” Miss Daisy said. “Go to Mr. Klutz's office. Now.”

“Oooooooooooooh!”

I thought Andrea was going to kill me on the way to the principal's office. She was really mad. Andrea had never been to Mr. Klutz's office before. That's because she never does anything wrong.

“I can't believe I'm in trouble,” Andrea said. “It's all your fault, A.J.”

“Relax,” I said. “I've been to the principal's office plenty of times. Mr. Klutz is a good guy.”

Mr. Klutz was sitting at his desk talking on the phone when we arrived. He is not only the principal of the school, but he
also has no hair at all.

Once he let everybody in our class touch his head. It was cool.

“Are we going to be punished?” Andrea asked when Mr. Klutz hung up the phone. She was all nervous and talked in a quiet voice.

“I don't believe in punishing children,” Mr. Klutz said. “I believe in rewarding children for doing good things. Now tell me, why can't you two get along?”

“He says mean things to me,” Andrea said.

“She thinks she knows everything,” I said.

“He hates everything.”

“Not everything. Just you.”

Mr. Klutz leaned forward in his chair and rubbed his forehead. Grown-ups always rub their foreheads when they are thinking. I guess it must help their brains work better. When you get old, your brain doesn't work as good anymore so you have to rub your forehead to get it going again.

“What can we do to solve this problem?” Mr. Klutz asked.

“Kick A.J. out of school.”

“Kick Andrea out of school.”

“I'm not kicking
anyone
out of school,” Mr. Klutz said. “The two of you are going to have to live with each other.”

“In the same house?” I asked. “I thought you said you don't punish kids.”

Mr. Klutz laughed even though I didn't say anything funny. Then he took a key and opened one of his desk drawers. The drawer was filled all the way up to the top with candy. Chocolates. Lollipops.
Caramels. He had like a whole candy shop in his drawer. I decided right there that I want to be a principal when I grow up.

“Would you like some of this?” Mr. Klutz asked us.

Andrea and I nodded our heads and licked our lips.

“Here's the deal. If you two can go a full day without fighting, I will give you each a candy bar tomorrow.”

“How about two candy bars?” I suggested.

“One candy bar each,” Mr. Klutz said. “That's my final offer. Take it or leave it.”

I don't like Andrea. She doesn't like me either. But we both like candy bars.

I would have to go one day without fighting with Andrea. One day wasn't so long. I could handle one day.

“Okay,” Andrea and I said.

Then we all shook on it. Shook hands, I mean. We didn't just start shaking.

That would have been dumb.

The next morning I was on my best behavior. I was trying very hard to not say anything mean to Andrea.

But it wasn't easy, because she is so annoying. When Andrea gave an apple to Miss Daisy as a present, I wanted to say something mean. But I didn't.

When Andrea showed everybody the A+ she got on the math quiz, I wanted to say something mean. But I didn't.

When Andrea told Miss Daisy how pretty her hair looked, I wanted to say something mean. But I didn't.

Andrea wasn't saying anything mean to me either. We both wanted that candy bar.

Miss Daisy was happy that Andrea and I were being so nice to each other.

When it came time for lunch, she sat us at the same table with Ryan and Michael and Emily. I traded Emily my banana, and she traded me her potato chips.

“Did you all bring in your stuff for the
art contest?” asked Emily. “Ms. Hannah is going to judge the winner this afternoon.”

I had forgotten all about the stupid art contest. Michael said he made a statue out of toothpicks. Ryan said he made a papier-mâché head. Emily made a collage. Andrea made a mobile with hanging butterflies (of course!).

I was the only one who didn't bring in anything. I hate art. Art is stupid.

“Did you see the art room?” Andrea asked. “When I brought my mobile in, the place was just a big mess.”

“Of course it's a big mess,” Ryan said. “Have you ever seen Ms. Hannah throw anything away?”

“She can't throw anything away,” Michael said. “She doesn't have a garbage can.”

“That's exactly what I mean,” Andrea said. “Ms. Hannah just gets more and more stuff, and never throws anything away. My mother is a psychologist. She helps people with their problems. And my mother says that people who can't throw anything away have a problem.”

I was going to tell Andrea that
she
was the one who had a problem. But I didn't. I wanted that candy bar.

“You know, everything
isn't
art,” Andrea said. “Some things are garbage. Maybe Ms. Hannah became an art teacher because she couldn't throw anything away. She might be a sick, sick woman who needs help.”

“I never thought of it that way,” Ryan said.

“We've got to help her!” said Emily.

“What can we do?” asked Michael.

“I've got an idea!” said Emily. “Why don't we sneak into the art room during recess and clean it up? When Ms. Hannah
sees how neat and clean everything is, she will realize she has a problem.”

“That's a great idea!” Andrea said.

It didn't sound like such a great idea to me. Cleaning things up was no fun at all. I don't like cleaning my room at home. I sure didn't want to clean up the art room. But I didn't want to get into an argument with Andrea either. If we had a fight, I wouldn't get my candy bar.

After we finished lunch, the five of us snuck down the hall to the art room.

Andrea was right. The place was a big mess. That's when I came up with the greatest idea in the history of the world.

“You know what?” I said. “Instead of
cleaning this place, we should mess it up even worse.”

“Why would you want to do that?” Emily asked.

“If we really mess it up bad, Ms. Hannah will be so shocked that she will realize she has a problem.”

It sounded like a genius idea to me. Cleaning isn't fun at all, but messing things up is lots of fun.

“I'm not sure that's such a good idea, A.J.,” Andrea said.

“Sure it's a good idea,” I said.

“Trust me, A.J. It's not a good idea.”

Andrea thinks she knows everything. Well, she doesn't know everything.

“I'm not cleaning this place up,” I said. “I'd rather go outside for recess.”

“You promised you would help,” Andrea said.

“I did not.”

“Did too.”

“I hate you, A.J.!”

That's when Andrea did the dumbest thing in the history of the world. She pushed me.

If I knew she was going to do something dumb like that, I could have gotten ready for it. But how was I to know she was going to do something dumb like push me?

My foot must have slipped or
something, because I fell backward.

Right behind me was Ms. Hannah's newspaper ball. When I fell backward, I landed on top of the ball.

The ball rolled. I rolled on top of it.

“Watch out!” Emily screamed.

My foot hit Andrea's butterfly mobile that was hanging from the ceiling. The butterfly mobile landed on my head.

On the floor behind the ball were a bunch of cans of paint. I tried to get out of the way,
but I couldn't. When I hit the ground, I hit the paint first.

“You stupid dumbhead!” Andrea shouted. “You crushed my butterflies!”

“You pushed me into them!”

“I did not! You fell on them on purpose!”

I got up off the floor. Paint and butterflies were all over me. Red. Yellow. Blue. Green. It was cool.

“Hey, look!” I said. “Art is everywhere.” Ryan and Michael laughed.

“How can you make jokes at a time like this?” Andrea said. “You ruined my mobile! Now I won't win the contest!”

“You're going to be in big trouble, A.J.,” Emily said.

“Somebody's coming,” Ryan said.

“Everybody shut up!”

That's when the door opened. Ms. Hannah and Mr. Klutz came in. I was standing there with paint and Andrea's stupid butterflies hanging all over me.

“What's the meaning of this?” Mr. Klutz asked. I didn't know what to do. I didn't know what to say. I had to think fast.

“It's…performance art,” I said.

Everybody looked at me for like a million hundred seconds.

“Yeah,” Andrea finally said. “It's
friendship
performance art. A.J. and I made it together.”

Ms. Hannah walked around me and looked me over. One of the butterflies slid down my head and stopped at the
end of my nose.

“It's Connecticut friendship performance art,” I said.

“I think it's fabulous!” Ms. Hannah said. “It is so very creative. I believe the winners of the art contest are Andrea and A.J.!”

Everybody cheered and clapped. Mr. Klutz reached into his jacket pocket and pulled out two candy bars.

“I'm so pleased to see the two of you are getting along so well together,” he said. “I promised you each a little something if you could go a day without fighting. Here is your prize. Congratulations!”

The candy bar tasted great. Maybe art isn't so stupid after all.

After it was all over, I still hated Andrea. Andrea still hated me. Ms. Hannah still had a big problem with collecting garbage. I said I would try to be nice to Andrea. She said she would try to be nice to me. And we both said we would try to help Ms. Hannah with her problem.

But it won't be easy!