Ms. Todd Is Odd!

1
 The Free Stuff Room

2
 Something Going Around

3
 If You Don't Have Something Nice to Say, Say Something Mean

4
 My Head Almost Exploded

5
 Indoor Recess Is No Fun at All

6
 Good News?

7
 Circle of Friends

8
 Getting the Goods on Ms. Todd

9
 The Truth About Ms. Todd

10
 Our Best Behavior

11
 Playing Dumb

About the Author and the Illustrator

Credits

Copyright

About the Publisher

My name is A.J. and I hate school.

There's only one room in Ella Mentry School that I really like. It's the lost and found room!

The lost and found room is right near the office. It is the coolest room in the history of the world because there is
lots of free stuff in there. Me and my friends Michael and Ryan call it “the free stuff room.” You can get just about anything you want, and you don't even have to pay for it. So if I feel like getting a new baseball cap or a pair of sunglasses, I don't have to go to a store. I just go to the free stuff room at school. It's awesome!

So this one morning the bus got to school a little early, and I went to kill some time in the free stuff room. I saw a really cool black T-shirt with a lightning bolt across the back. It was way cooler than the shirt I was wearing, so I took my shirt off and put the cool one on. It
fit perfectly. I stuffed my old, boring shirt in my backpack.

It was almost time to pledge the allegiance, so I went to class. The kids were putting their backpacks and lunch boxes in their cubbies. Our teacher, Miss Daisy, wasn't there yet. That was weird. She usually gets to school before any of us.

“Where's Miss Daisy?” asked Neil, who everybody calls “the nude kid.” He actually wears clothes, but we call him “the nude kid” anyway. It's a long story.

“Maybe she got lost,” Michael said.

Suddenly the door opened. We all looked up. But it wasn't Miss Daisy.

It was Andrea Young, this really
annoying little Miss Perfect girl with curly brown hair who I hate. She's such a nerd. She even keeps a dictionary on her desk in case she ever has to look up a word.

“Where
were
you, Andrea?” asked her equally annoying crybaby friend, Emily. “I was worried that you were sick. There's something going around, you know.”

“I wasn't sick,” Andrea said. “I had to go to Mr. Klutz's office.”

“Oooooh!” we all went.

Mr. Klutz is the principal of the school. He also has no hair. Kids get sent to his office when they do something bad.

“Did you do something bad?” asked
Emily, all concerned.

“Of course not!” Andrea said. “Mr. Klutz called me in to say I'm going to be in the gifted and talented program!”

Oh man! That figured. The gifted and talented program is for dorks, dweebs, nerds, and know-it-alls like Andrea who are perfect in every way. We all took some dumb test a few weeks ago, and Andrea probably got the best score in the whole school.

“Isn't that fabulous?” Andrea said. “I'm gifted and talented!”

“What's your talent?” I asked her. “Being annoying?”

Some of the kids laughed. Andrea gave
me one of her mean looks.

“I like your shirt, Arlo,” she said. “Where did you get it?”

“None of your beeswax,” I told her. I hate when Andrea calls me by my real name.

“Oh yeah?” she said. “Well, I think it
is
my beeswax, because that's
my
shirt!”

What?!

“That shirt fell out of my backpack last week,” Andrea said. “I was wondering where it was.”

Everybody started giggling. I thought I was gonna die. I was wearing a girl's shirt! Not only was I wearing a girl's shirt, but it was
Andrea
's shirt! Her girl
cooties were crawling all over me! It was disgusting. I thought I was gonna throw up.

“Oooooh!” Ryan said. “A.J. is wearing
Andrea's shirt. They must be in
love
!”

“When are you gonna get married?” asked Michael.

If those guys weren't my best friends, I would hate them.

I ripped the T-shirt off like it was on fire and threw it at Andrea.

“Ewwww, it's disgusting!” she said. “I'll never wear this shirt again! It has A.J.'s boy cooties all over it. I'll have to burn—”

Andrea never got the chance to finish her sentence, because at that very second
Mr. Klutz came in with his bald head. He was wearing a black T-shirt that said TEAM on it.

“What's going on in here?” Mr. Klutz asked.

I grabbed my old shirt out of my backpack and quickly put it on.

“A.J. thinks the classroom is a dressing room,” Andrea said.

What is her problem? Why can't a giant box full of T-shirts fall on her head?

“I just got a call from Miss Daisy,” Mr. Klutz told us. “She's not feeling well today. So you'll have Ms. Todd as your substitute teacher. She'll be here any minute.”

Mr. Klutz said he would go to the office to greet Ms. Todd. He told us to be on our best behavior while he was gone. So as soon as Mr. Klutz left the room, me and Michael and Ryan got up and shook our butts at the class. Most of the kids laughed.

“I hope Ms. Todd is nice,” said Andrea. Girls always want everybody to be nice.

“I hope Miss Daisy is going to be all right,” said Emily. She looked all worried, like she was going to cry. That girl will cry about any old thing. She's weird.

“We should make Miss Daisy a get-well card,” said one of the other girls.

Miss Daisy better get well soon, because I hate substitute teachers. They always make us learn stuff. Miss Daisy never makes us learn anything, because she doesn't
know
anything. She is the only grown-up who can't read, write, or do arithmetic. In fact, sometimes we
have to teach
her
stuff! She is the dumbest teacher in the history of the world.

Miss Daisy asked us once not to tell Mr. Klutz how dumb she is. She's afraid she'll get fired. I hoped Ms. Todd would be as dumb as Miss Daisy.

“You know,” Ryan said, “Miss Daisy didn't look sick yesterday.”

“Maybe she's not sick at all,” said Michael.

“Yeah,” I said, “maybe she's faking it so she can stay home and lie on her couch eating bonbons.”

Bonbons are these chocolate treats Miss Daisy loves. She told us that whenever she is stressed out, she lies on her couch and
eats bonbons until she feels better.

“Do you think Mr. Klutz found out that Miss Daisy can't read or write or do arithmetic?” asked Neil the nude kid. “So he fired—”

Neil the nude kid never got the chance to finish his sentence, because the door opened again and Mr. Klutz came in. He was with some lady.

“Boys and girls,” said Mr. Klutz, “this is Ms. Todd. She'll be the substitute for Miss Daisy.”

We all looked at Ms. Todd. Ms. Todd looked at us. I looked at Andrea. Ryan and Michael looked at me. Everybody was looking at everybody else without
saying anything because it was the most amazing thing in the history of the world.

Ms. Todd looked like Andrea!

It's true! She was tall just like Andrea. She was skinny just like Andrea. She even had curly hair just like Andrea. It was like there were
two
of them! It was like a horror movie!

“She's pretty,” whispered Andrea.

“Pretty ugly,” I whispered.

Ms. Todd was wearing a TEAM T-shirt just like Mr. Klutz.

“Why are you both wearing T-shirts that say TEAM?” asked Ryan.

“TEAM is our new motto at Ella Mentry School,” said Mr. Klutz. “It stands for ‘Together Everyone Achieves More.'” Mr. Klutz loves initials.

“What's a motto?” asked Michael.

“Nothing,” said Mr. Klutz. “What's a motto with you?”

Mr. Klutz laughed even though he didn't say anything funny. He's nuts.

Ms. Todd waved and smiled a big smiley face just like Andrea. She looked really young. Mr. Klutz said that Ms. Todd was a brand-new teacher and told us to be extra nice to her. Then he left.

“Hello!” said Ms. Todd, all cheery.

Well, at least she talked like a regular person. Our bus driver, Mrs. Kormel, speaks in a secret language. Instead of
saying “hello” like everybody else, she says, “Bingle boo.” Mrs. Kormel is not normal.

“Hi, Ms. Todd,” said little Miss Gifted and Talented. “My name is Andrea. I love the shoes you're wearing.”

Andrea wasn't wasting any time before starting in with her brownnosing. I hate her.

“Why, thank you!” exclaimed Ms. Todd. “That's very sweet of you to say. I like your shoes too, Andrea.”

Andrea totally didn't know how you're supposed to treat subs. You're supposed to torture them! That's the first rule of being a kid. My friend Billy who lives
around the corner told me that whenever a sub turns her back, his whole class starts coughing
*
for no reason. He said it drives the sub crazy.

Ms. Todd went to write her name on the board. As soon as she turned around and wrote
MS
., I started coughing for no reason.

Ms. Todd turned around and looked at the class. But I stopped coughing before she saw me.

Ms. Todd faced the board again and wrote the letter
T
. I started coughing again. Ryan started coughing too.

Ms. Todd turned around and looked at the class. Me and Ryan stopped coughing before she saw us.

Ms. Todd faced the board again and wrote the letter
O
. Me and Ryan started coughing again.

Ms. Todd turned around real fast and looked at the class. Me and Ryan stopped coughing just in time.

Ms. Todd faced the board again and wrote the letter
D
. Me and Ryan started coughing again.

Ms. Todd started writing another letter
D
, but in the middle of it, she turned around really fast and looked at us. Me and Ryan were still coughing.

Uh-oh. Me and Ryan were in trouble.

“What's your name?” Ms. Todd asked me.

Everybody looked at me. I didn't know
what to say. I didn't know what to do. I had to think fast.

That's when I got the greatest idea in the history of the world. If I didn't tell Ms. Todd my real name, I wouldn't get in trouble!

“My name is Ryan,” I said.

“And how about you?” Ms. Todd asked Ryan. “What's your name?”

“My name is A.J.,” said Ryan.

Ms. Todd took a piece of paper from Miss Daisy's desk and wrote something on it.

“Well,” she said, “Ryan and A.J. are going to be in trouble.”

I guess my idea wasn't so great after all.