Read Much Ado About Jessie Kaplan Online
Authors: Paula Marantz Cohen
Much Ado About Jessie Kaplan (21 page)
“No,” he said carefully, “
scary
isn't the word I'd use.”
scary
isn't the word I'd use.”
“What word would you use?”
“
Formidable
, maybe.”
Formidable
, maybe.”
“So you're saying that you want me, formidable woman that I am, to give you and my mother my blessing for this trip?”
“Yes,” said Hal, “your blessing would be nice.”
“Well, then,” said Margot, taking a breath, and then speaking with uncharacteristic recklessness: “I'll do one better. I'll go along.”
Hal stared at her.
“She'll need me there for support and to keep an eye on things,” she continued hurriedly, “and I have a week coming to me at the firm, so I'll have no problem taking off.” She paused and seemed to get better hold of herself, her voice assuming its more familiar sarcastic tone. “I was looking for a vacation spot, anyway,” she added. “I always wanted to see Venice, and it will be nice to have a native show me around.”
T
hey had
GONE: JESSIE, HAL, AND MARGOT FROM PHILADELPHIA Airport that afternoon, Anish Patel and his colleague out of JFK.
hey had
GONE: JESSIE, HAL, AND MARGOT FROM PHILADELPHIA Airport that afternoon, Anish Patel and his colleague out of JFK.
Although Carla was initially disappointed that Margot had failed in her mission to talk Hal Pearson out of the trip, she was somewhat mollified by Margot's decision to go along. She had great confidence in her sister. Margot Kaplan might not be lucky in love, but she was successful in everything else. She was a woman of eminent rationality and willâsomeone you could count on to act effectively in a crisis, and whom one crossed at one's peril.
Now at seven P.M., Carla imagined that her mother and sister were somewhere over the Atlantic, winging their way to the Gritti Palace, one of the foremost luxury hotels in Venice. The hotel had been chosen by Anish, who said that his grant permitted him to travel in style and that, having lived in squalor for so many years during his childhood, he was not about to stint now, especially when the luxury was paid for by someone else.
Margot had promised to call as soon as they arrived, which would probably be in a few hours. Meanwhile, there was nothing Carla could do, which placed her in a state of welcome calm. She
could concentrate for the time being on the last lap of the bat mitzvah, which was rounding the corner at breakneck speed.
could concentrate for the time being on the last lap of the bat mitzvah, which was rounding the corner at breakneck speed.
Many things had been done. She and Mr. O'Hare had prepared a checklist and reviewed it together to their mutual satisfaction.
1.
The catererâall wrapped up. Even if there were a world shortfall in soy products, Moishe assured them he had his black-market sources. Not to worry.
The catererâall wrapped up. Even if there were a world shortfall in soy products, Moishe assured them he had his black-market sources. Not to worry.
2.
The bandâconfirmed for an evening of authentic klezmer tunes. This was the band that Mark had heard coming home from work on Philadelphia's public radio station. The members were ethnomusicology students at the University of Pennsylvania and turned out not to be Jewishâa fact that pleased Mark, since it assured that the ethnic temperature of the event would be maintained on a refined, academic level.
The bandâconfirmed for an evening of authentic klezmer tunes. This was the band that Mark had heard coming home from work on Philadelphia's public radio station. The members were ethnomusicology students at the University of Pennsylvania and turned out not to be Jewishâa fact that pleased Mark, since it assured that the ethnic temperature of the event would be maintained on a refined, academic level.
3.
Griffin (aka the entertainment motivator)âon track, now that a small snag had been ironed out. It seemed that Uncle Sid, who had made a miraculous recovery, had wanted a song by Artie Shaw that no one ever heard of to accompany his candle-lighting. Griffin had pronounced that if he didn't know the song, it didn't
't
exist, a pronouncement that incensed Sid and made him want it all the more. Fortunately, Stephanie's friend Zack, at twelve already an accomplished computer hacker, managed to locate the song on Kazaa on the Internet and duly burned a copy. This was passed on to Griffin, who conveniently forgot that the song didn't
't
exist and agreed to play it when Sid came up to light his candle. Ergo, problem solved, short of a lawsuit from the Artie Shaw estate for unlicensed performance. But Mr. O'Hare said not to worry on this score: He once knew a girl who dated Artie Shaw (though in a rare deviation from the norm, didn't marry him), and was sure that he could parlay that connection to their benefit if absolutely necessary.
Griffin (aka the entertainment motivator)âon track, now that a small snag had been ironed out. It seemed that Uncle Sid, who had made a miraculous recovery, had wanted a song by Artie Shaw that no one ever heard of to accompany his candle-lighting. Griffin had pronounced that if he didn't know the song, it didn't
't
exist, a pronouncement that incensed Sid and made him want it all the more. Fortunately, Stephanie's friend Zack, at twelve already an accomplished computer hacker, managed to locate the song on Kazaa on the Internet and duly burned a copy. This was passed on to Griffin, who conveniently forgot that the song didn't
't
exist and agreed to play it when Sid came up to light his candle. Ergo, problem solved, short of a lawsuit from the Artie Shaw estate for unlicensed performance. But Mr. O'Hare said not to worry on this score: He once knew a girl who dated Artie Shaw (though in a rare deviation from the norm, didn't marry him), and was sure that he could parlay that connection to their benefit if absolutely necessary.
4.
The photographer and videographerâgetting along well. While planning his
Godfather
-with-
Fiddler
-overtones production, Cass Sunshine had decided that the photographs should resemble Hollywood stills (a new concept that he thought had great marketing potential). The Bennington photographer would certainly have balked at this directive, but the middle-aged photographer saw no problem with it, so long as he got paid on time.
The photographer and videographerâgetting along well. While planning his
Godfather
-with-
Fiddler
-overtones production, Cass Sunshine had decided that the photographs should resemble Hollywood stills (a new concept that he thought had great marketing potential). The Bennington photographer would certainly have balked at this directive, but the middle-aged photographer saw no problem with it, so long as he got paid on time.
5.
The flowersâdone. Bennet had gone back to the drawing board and created a just-picked-look centerpiece that was acceptable to Mark and Carla. Of course, as had been predicted, the price of said unpretentious arrangement had knocked the breath out of them.
The flowersâdone. Bennet had gone back to the drawing board and created a just-picked-look centerpiece that was acceptable to Mark and Carla. Of course, as had been predicted, the price of said unpretentious arrangement had knocked the breath out of them.
6.
The guest listâfinalized! The cancerous growth of invitations had finally been staunched at 200 and now, with RSVPs in, had settled at a reasonable 150. The unexpected shortfall had come from two factors. Number one: A Florida friend of Carla's
's
mother-in-law had suddenly gotten it into her head that the almanac augured a snowstorm for the bat mitzvah weekend, and had scared some of the others, who were terrified by the word “accumulation” (i.e., that they might be stranded up north for an indefinite period to battle the cold and their children). Number two: A popular nurse at Mark's hospital happened to have her baby shower fall on the day of the bat mitzvah. This obliged many of the nurses to choose between a cozy, familiar event and a possibly uncomfortable, unfamiliar one, with more opting for the former than the latter.
The guest listâfinalized! The cancerous growth of invitations had finally been staunched at 200 and now, with RSVPs in, had settled at a reasonable 150. The unexpected shortfall had come from two factors. Number one: A Florida friend of Carla's
's
mother-in-law had suddenly gotten it into her head that the almanac augured a snowstorm for the bat mitzvah weekend, and had scared some of the others, who were terrified by the word “accumulation” (i.e., that they might be stranded up north for an indefinite period to battle the cold and their children). Number two: A popular nurse at Mark's hospital happened to have her baby shower fall on the day of the bat mitzvah. This obliged many of the nurses to choose between a cozy, familiar event and a possibly uncomfortable, unfamiliar one, with more opting for the former than the latter.
The checklist reassured Carla that the celebratory component of the event was under control.
Less so, the religious aspectâor at least one crucial part of it. Stephanie was fine with her Torah and haftorah portions, the scriptural readings that made up the bulk of her ceremonial performance.
The cantor had reported with gratitude that Stephanie actually had a lovely singing voice and an admirable sense of phrasing. The mumble and screech of many bar mitzvah children as they rushed headlong through their portions was the real strain of the cantor's job.
The cantor had reported with gratitude that Stephanie actually had a lovely singing voice and an admirable sense of phrasing. The mumble and screech of many bar mitzvah children as they rushed headlong through their portions was the real strain of the cantor's job.
The problem lay with the
D'var Torah
, which is to say, Stephanie's speech. This was the section of the service when the bar mitzvah child was expected to demonstrate something more than pure rote learning. The
D'var Torah
was a commentary on the Torah portion, a kind of minisermon, and the one moment in the service when the formalized trappings of the event could be put aside for a glimpse of the child as an individual.
D'var Torah
, which is to say, Stephanie's speech. This was the section of the service when the bar mitzvah child was expected to demonstrate something more than pure rote learning. The
D'var Torah
was a commentary on the Torah portion, a kind of minisermon, and the one moment in the service when the formalized trappings of the event could be put aside for a glimpse of the child as an individual.
The
D'var Torah
requirement made sense on a theoretical level. On a practical one, however, it did not. To expect a newly minted thirteen-year-old to write a formal speech of any kind, no less one on a passage from the Bible difficult to fathom even by scholars rigorously trained in theological discourse, and then to expect said thirteen-year-old to perform it for a disparate group of relatives and friends who were itching to get their hands on the hot hors d'oeuvres whose odors were wafting in from the other room, was asking a lot.
D'var Torah
requirement made sense on a theoretical level. On a practical one, however, it did not. To expect a newly minted thirteen-year-old to write a formal speech of any kind, no less one on a passage from the Bible difficult to fathom even by scholars rigorously trained in theological discourse, and then to expect said thirteen-year-old to perform it for a disparate group of relatives and friends who were itching to get their hands on the hot hors d'oeuvres whose odors were wafting in from the other room, was asking a lot.
The Education Committee at the synagogue, having weathered the process themselves with their own children, had done what they could to facilitate matters. They offered the following guidelines to aid the bar and bat mitzvah child in the preparation of the
D'var Torah
:
D'var Torah
:
1.
Summarize your biblical portion in one or two paragraphs. Keep this simple: No need to enumerate, for example, the number of goats in the entourage or to recite the genealogy accompanying a given character.
Summarize your biblical portion in one or two paragraphs. Keep this simple: No need to enumerate, for example, the number of goats in the entourage or to recite the genealogy accompanying a given character.
2.
Relate some point in the passage to some aspect of your own life. For example: “Abraham's worship of idols reminds me of the
time when I wanted to play Nintendo and didn't want to do my homework. Just as Abraham eventually realized there was one God, I eventually learned that doing my homework was more important than Nintendo” (Alan Goldberg's
D'var Torah
, September 1999). Please notice the parallel structure. Idols are to Nintendo as homework is to one God. Ask your parents to help you outline your portion so that you can see the logical structure more clearly and better organize the lesson you want to discuss.
Relate some point in the passage to some aspect of your own life. For example: “Abraham's worship of idols reminds me of the
time when I wanted to play Nintendo and didn't want to do my homework. Just as Abraham eventually realized there was one God, I eventually learned that doing my homework was more important than Nintendo” (Alan Goldberg's
D'var Torah
, September 1999). Please notice the parallel structure. Idols are to Nintendo as homework is to one God. Ask your parents to help you outline your portion so that you can see the logical structure more clearly and better organize the lesson you want to discuss.
3.
Thank those involved in the making of this sacred and joyous event. Keep this to the basic groups: Mom and Dad, Grandpa and Grandma, siblings, rabbi, and cantor. An influential teacher or relative can also be added, but if you start naming your friends, you'll never get to your party.
Thank those involved in the making of this sacred and joyous event. Keep this to the basic groups: Mom and Dad, Grandpa and Grandma, siblings, rabbi, and cantor. An influential teacher or relative can also be added, but if you start naming your friends, you'll never get to your party.
4.
Explain your intentions for charity
(tzadakah)
: i.e., where you will donate a portion of your bar or bat mitzvah gift money. Please note that a charity is a nonprofit organization for the public good. It does not include such organizations as the National Football League, the fines accumulated for your overdue video rentals, or Abercrombie and Fitch.
Explain your intentions for charity
(tzadakah)
: i.e., where you will donate a portion of your bar or bat mitzvah gift money. Please note that a charity is a nonprofit organization for the public good. It does not include such organizations as the National Football League, the fines accumulated for your overdue video rentals, or Abercrombie and Fitch.
Uncomplicated as this template might seem, it did not, unfortunately, solve the problem. Fits of rage and frustration ensued as children were asked to summarize the densely irrational biblical passage, to extract a lesson that was not utterly unrelated to it, to thank an abhorred sibling, and to negotiate how much money from their bar mitzvah stash would go to the Jewish Federation or the American Cancer Society (groups that to the child seemed to have been designed to cheat them out of the little money that would be left them once Mom and Dad had put the rest away into the alleged college fund).
Most children had the whole thing flogged out of them
through threat and bribe, though not without scenes, biblical in size and intensity.
through threat and bribe, though not without scenes, biblical in size and intensity.
Stephanie was no exception.
Her portion involved Joseph's interpretation of Pharaoh's dream. Mark had thought this a great windfall. “I can't tell you how lucky you are!” he exclaimed. “My portion had to do with hygiene. There was a whole section about menstrual fluidânot the kind of thing a thirteen-year-old boy finds inspiring, at least not in front of his elderly relatives. Your passage is great. The seven fat kine and the seven lean kineâkine are cattle, by the way.”
“Duh,” said Stephanie.
“Joseph and the pharaohâman, are you lucky!” Mark waxed on. Joseph's story had always held a place in his affections. As a boy, he had fantasized about being like Joseph and interpreting the dream of a pharaoh, who in his imagination looked a lot like Mr. Rooney, his junior-high-school principal.
“The story is dumb,” said Stephanie sulkily. “Joseph has all these bad things happen to him, then he interprets the pharaoh's dream and everything is fine. What's that supposed to mean?”
“Maybe it means that life can surprise you,” noted Mark. “You can be down in the dumps one minute and things can suddenly change and put you on top of the world.”
“I think that's a dumb moral,” said Stephanie. “Everyone knows sometimes good things happen and sometimes bad things happen. Who cares? I'm not going to write that.”
“You don't have to,” said Carla reassuringly. “Daddy's only trying to give you some ideas.”
“Think about something else in the story, then,” suggested Mark. “Maybe you want to talk about pharaoh's dream. It's a puzzle, isn't it? Lean and fat kine, fertility and famine. Joseph was a problem solver. You always liked to solve problems. Think of how good you are at Scrabble.”
“Scrabble isn't a problem, it's a game,” said Stephanie.
“You know what I meanâfiguring things out, putting things together, that sort of thing.”
“No,” pronounced Stephanie. “Joseph wasn't problem solving. He was just lucky. Everyone knows that dreams can't tell the future.”
“But this is the Bible,” Carla pointed out. “All sorts of magical things happen.”
“Well, if it's magical, there's no lesson to take out of it. God just made it happen. He wanted Joseph to be right. Can't I say that?”
“No,” said Carla, who had begun to realize that her daughter actually had the argumentative abilities of a Talmudic scholar with regard to not doing what was expected. “You have to find a lesson.”
The problem was duly brought before the rabbi a few days later in the preâbat mitzvah interview. Rabbi Barry Newman was a very young man who had lately been catapulted into the position of senior rabbi when that personage, in the throes of a midlife crisis, had suddenly resigned to lead a congregation in Australia.
Newman, who had actually been hired a month earlier as assistant rabbi and had expected to spend years doing relatively nothing, had at first not known what to make of his sudden elevation to eminence and responsibility. During his first few Sabbath services, he had gazed out at the prosperous doctors and lawyers in the congregation, wondering what in the world he could say that they would want to hear. Fortunately, the cogs of the synagogue wheel had ground forward, carrying him along. He had met with the board for a pep talk, consulted some sermon crib sheets on the Internet, and been generally buoyed by a reflexive attitude of respect from congregants who had never noticed him before. He was working on counteracting his callow appearance with the growth of a small beard and the cultivation of a furrowed brow, and the general consensus was that he was “coming along nicely.”
“Okay, what have we here?” said the rabbi to Stephanie now, lowering his voice and trying to sound rabbinical.
“Joseph interprets the pharaoh's dream,” said Stephanie glumly.
“And what do you think of Joseph's interpretation of the pharaoh's dream?” asked the rabbi. He had discovered that by asking questions that piggybacked on his respondent's previous statement he eventually arrived somewhere.
“Not much,” said Stephanie.
“Okay,” said the rabbi, holding, if falteringly, to his method, “why not much?”
“Because dreams can't tell the future,” Stephanie reiterated. “My dreams are always about things that don't happen. Like being in Disney World with my friends or getting a real Kate Spade bag for my birthday.”
“Hmm,” said the young rabbi, taking this in. “Dreams can't tell the future in your experience, but in Joseph's they do. What do you make of that?”
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